Aku melintasi malam sepiku

(I went through my lonely night)

Tanpa dirimu di sisiku kekasih

(Without you here, by my side, my love)

Rasa sesal yg selalu menghantuiku

(The regrets always haunt me)

Di saat ku campakkan dirimu manis

(When I casted you away, sweetheart)

I closed my eyes while listening to the playlist of your favorite songs. This was actually my routine before I went to bed, a habit that has been developed since our bed felt so big and hollow without you beside me. I sighed deeply when a particular song came. A memory of you and I passed through my mind.

“Flower?” I went through the door of our house, looking for you. I put off my shoes while waiting for your reply.

“My flower?” I went directly into our bedroom when I still did not get any reply from you. There you were, curling on our bed beneath the blanket.

“Flower, why didn’t you answer– Hey, why are you crying?” My intention to scold you vanished when I took a good look of your face. Tears were rolling down from your beautiful eyes.

“Oppa…” you opened your arms. I wasted no time to lie down beside you and hugging you tightly. I could still hear your sobs faintly.

“Sssh… It’s okay. I am here now, my flower,” I kissed the top of your head while tightening my hugs on you. Soon enough, your cries disappeared. There were still occasional sniffs, yet you were already calmed enough.

I let the comfortable silence hang around us for a few minutes before I asking you, “Are you okay?”

You snuggled closer to me and nodded your head on my chest.

How cute, I thought.

“Then, why were you crying?” You did not respond. “My flower, are you not going to answer me?” I coaxed you, kissing your hair tenderly. As adorable as you were then, I still wanted to know the reason behind your tears.

“You will think that this is a stupid reason,” your voice sounded muffled in my chest.

“Oh, really?” I was amused. “What is it?”

I felt you pressing your face further into my chest, “Promise me that you won’t laugh.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” you punched my chest playfully. “Okay, fine. I won’t laugh.”

You lifted your head and look at me with an embarrassed expression. “The reason I cried…”

“Yes?” I prompted you further when you look hesitated.

Your face went red. “I cried because of a sad song.”

“Wait, what?” I totally did not expect that.

You puffed your cheeks cutely, “I can’t help it, okay? The lyrics and the melody were so sad. I feel connected to it in a spiritual level and– Hey, why are you laughing?” You slapped my body when I was writhing on our bed. Seriously, I lost it when you told me you were connected in a spiritual level to a freaking song.

Goodness, my wife is such a drama queen, I was still laughing loudly when you hit me with the pillows.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry,” I snickered as I defended myself from the pillow’s hit. Hearing my apology, you stopped and pouted.

“You said you won’t laugh,” you jabbed my chest, still pouting. “Meanie, meanie, meanie–“ I kissed you to stop you chanting ‘meanie’ at me. The innocent kiss slowly turned more sensual.

“I’m sorry, my dear flower,” I whispered on your lip sensually. “I didn’t mean to laugh.”

“But you still did,” you whispered back, biting my lower lip softly. “And now, you have to make it up to me.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” I smirked at you naughtily. “I can worship you all night, if you want.”

Your long kiss is the only answer you gave me, before we started a long night together.

I smiled wistfully at the memory. You did not have any ideas how I missed you. I ran my hand on your side of the bed, deluding myself that you were still here by myself.

But whom was I kidding?

Your side of the bed felt cold. It was so cold, that I started to felt the coldness freezing my heart.

Again, a sigh come out of my mouth.

I miss you… I played with the wedding band on my finger. I miss you so much… More sweet memories about us were swarming on my mind. I closed my eyes again ruefully.

They said, you will not know how good you have it, until you lost it. I realized the saying was true when I lost you.

The bed felt too big. The house felt too empty. And the trace of your warmth started to fade.

What have I done? I clenched my fist around my blanket. Why was I so obstuse?

I had a precious flower made of gems on my hand. Yet, I was too stupid to trade it with a mere plastic flower. I was a fool to choose Choi Hyejin over you, choosing her fake attention over your genuine love and care. I was too dumb to even think that she could love better than you did.

My tears flowed down freely as my heart longed for you. I laid on my side, letting my pillow absorbing the tears as I reached for your favorite pillow.

I’m sorry… I clutched desperately to the pillow. I miss you…

And the night went on, with me crying my heart out over the biggest regret in my life.

ooOoo

Walau kini engkau sudah menjadi milik yang lain

(Although now you are no longer mine)

Aku tetap cinta

(I still love you)

Ku harap engkau kembali

(I hope you comeback to me)

Untuk maafkanku

(To give me your forgiveness)

Ever since I realized how terrible I was to you, not even a second I did not mourn over my wrong decision. Hyejin and I broke up a year after our divorce, after I caught her talking to her friends about how she was just using me to get the job in my company. I was fuming to know that I was just a mere tool to her, even after all the affections and material things I gave her. Particullarly after I chose her over you.

Especially after I lost you.

I was too angry that I fired her immediately and blacklisted her from applying in any of the companies I owned. Considering the fact that Park Co. was the biggest corporation with many affiliations in the South Korea, she was really having a hard time to find a new job. She had begged for my forgiveness many times. She even attempt to find me at home three times, crying and kneeling, asking me to let her work for me again. But I brushed her off, I was too hurt over the fact that she played with my heart. The last time I heard about her, she was moving to China because she basically could not find any job in the South Korea.

I did a lot of self-reflections during that time. I was musing over many things. After all those time, I felt a punch on my guts when I come into a conclusion that letting you go was the biggest mistake in my life.

No one could cheer me up like you did. No one could take care of me as well as you did. And most importantly, no one could love me as much as you did.

Those horrifying realizations dragged me into a depression.

That was the darkest time in my life. For a week, I neglected my needs to eat. I closed any contact with the outside world. I refused to let anyone came into our house. I even dumped the responsibilities as the CEO of my company to my best friends.

That was, until they got fed up with me.