Day 464

Key was in the middle of a very loud party. It was a year-end award show and everyone was in the spirit. So many artists who worked hard that year had taken home the awards they craved. It was like a perfect ending to the year, and they would all celebrate a successful year together at midnight.

 

But Kibum just couldn’t get into the spirit. His mind was only half there. As if it did any good, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked it one more time. No new messages, as usual. At least, no messages that he was hoping for. He was beginning to give up. After days of sending texts and leaving messages with no reply, he was coming to terms with the fact that the ship had sailed and it was just going to be one of those sad stories that never got its happy ending.

 

“Things will work out for the best.” He remembered Woohyun had comforted him with that phrase.

 

“Yeah right, Hyun. Bull. ,” Key spat bitterly as he watched the party below from his perch on the balcony. He was mentally tallying all the unfortunate situations that led to him feeling so down in the dumps in the midst of such a colorful celebration.

 

Some of it came from worrying about Hyerin’s well-being. Would she really be able to make a success out of dating that one guy? Jaehyun or whatever his name was. Everyday he thought about her, wondering if she would turn out all right. Wondering if she was still mad at him. 

 

Most of his gloominess, though, could be attributed to self-loathing. He just wished he weren’t himself lately. So stupid, so selfish, so unlucky.

 

It was in the morning hours of January 2 earlier that year that he had smashed pots with Hyerin and they resolved to have a Happy New Year. But unfortunately the year was going to end crappily for both of them.

 

“I’m surrounded by good things, but I can’t appreciate any of them,” he mouthed to himself as he watched all his peers in the industry having a good time. He just perched on a balcony above the dance floor and people-watched, trying to be optimistic about the moment he was in. There were only a few hours left in 2015 and he should try to find the good in them.

 

He had to get over it. He had to appreciate that he had survived another year in the music industry even though his life had been rocked by tragedy a little over a year ago. He had a successful promotion beside his best friend with Toheart. His family was piecing itself back together, beginning to resemble the warm bunch they used to be. Several of his friends who had slaved away all year to put on a good comeback had received a prestigious award to validate all their blood, sweat, and tears. They were dancing on the floor below, all smiles and arms in the air, elated and fulfilled.

 

It was time to go join them. It was time to let the past year go and look forward to the future. Kibum stuffed his phone back in his pocket and moved toward the stairs when something caught his eye. A bright red dress, classy and sophisticated, cutting quickly across the dance floor. What were the odds?

 

Kibum’s feet carried him after her before he could even think about what he was doing, hoping to catch up before she disappeared into the crowd. He slid down the banister, practically launching himself onto the dance floor in an attempt to catch up to her. Landing squarely on his feet, he searched the room urgently, eyes darting around every direction. They caught a glimpse of red disappearing through a door. And he was hurrying through all the bodies in the room to keep up. 

 

He finally found her on the rooftop by herself. He recognized that familiar form in a red dress, and that unmistakable long chestnut hair catching the light breeze. She was getting some fresh air as she observed the city lights, just contemplating to herself quietly. As Key approached, she whirled around at the sound of his footsteps. Naturally she gasped when she saw who it was. But thankfully she didn’t have an adverse reaction like the last time he saw her, way back at the elevator incident.

 

“I didn’t see SHINee on the list of attendees for this show,” she said nonchalantly, keeping her composure this time. She looked much better now. With more color in her face and less dark circles, it seemed like she had healed some. And she looked more beautiful than ever, all dolled up and in a gown. Red really suited her. It had always been his favorite color on her.

“I guess you stopped reading before you got to Toheart, then,” Key chuckled lightheartedly, disheartened at her opening comment but hoping to ease the atmosphere between them. “I didn’t know you were still on the invite list to idol parties at your new company?”

 

“I’m Hyunjae’s plus one. He is manning the satellite equipment for the telecast,” she explained.

 

Oh yeah, Hyunjae. That was his name. Key was surprised that he bristled so much at the mention of it. Nonetheless, his nosiness and his hasty mouth asked about that before he could even decide against it: “So your relationship — I hope it’s going well?”

 

Hyerin’s eyes focused elsewhere, her lips pursed together as if deliberating on how she should word her response. Key was genuinely intrigued and surprised at the amount of suspense he experienced in that moment.

 

“It’s nonexistent, as of tonight,” she answered solemnly, still gazing out toward the horizon. 

 

Kibum just quirked his head to the side in curiosity, actually holding back his mouth this time. Thankfully she offered an explanation. 

 

“Not exactly a kind move to invite your girlfriend to a huge party and then end the relationship before starting your shift at the satellite control room,” she muttered bitterly. But her expression wasn’t sour. She was almost laughing at the irony. “He knew everything from the start. I was totally up front with him when we started dating. And even in our good times he could always tell that my heart wasn’t there. Even though I thought you wouldn’t be at this party, my eyes were still looking around for you. He saw. He knew.”

 

“I’m sorry that it didn’t work out,” he consoled in a soft voice, even though he wasn’t that sad to hear about it.

 

Her eyes were still fixed on something else, nothing in particular. She was just sorting out her thoughts internally. “You know, I should be regretful, but instead I’m relieved. It was just so much energy for the both of us, trying to force the relationship to work.”

 

“It’s bad news, but I feel relieved too,” Key replied. “You have no idea how much I worried that you might stay in an unhappy relationship.”

 

Her eyes finally flicked over to him, a little surprised at that comment. But remained a straight line. “Well, thank you for your concern, Kibum,” she replied neutrally.

 

“To be honest, I worried a lot. I even went to the pottery store three times and the shelves were empty,” he elaborated.

 

Surprise showed on Hyerin’s face again, along with a little sheepishness. “Yeah that was me. I was pretty upset for several days after the last time we talked…”

 

Key’s heart ached at that comment. “I can’t even express how much regret I feel-”

 

“Stop,” she interrupted. It was clear that he was crossing into some very emotional territory and she was putting her defenses up. “I don’t blame you, Kibum. It has been my own foolishness the whole time. It’s my burden to bear, not yours.”

 

Somehow his heart only ached more. He just had to be honest. “Every day I just wish for your happiness. You deserve to be happy. I hate myself a lot just thinking about all those times I was too self-absorbed, and I missed all those opportunities to make you smile.”

 

Her face was hard to read. She seemed like she was eager to hear his words but also wanted him to stop talking at the same time. She averted her eyes for a moment to concentrate on how to respond. “It’s in the past. I don’t resent you, Kibum. And I’ll be alright without you.” Her lips were starting to tremble. Her stony composure was beginning to falter. She moved to go back inside but Kibum caught her arm.

 

“I don’t want you to be alright without me.”

 

She froze there, one step away from him, her arm gently held in his grip. She could have escaped if she tried, but she just stopped in her tracks. Her whole body got the chills at his words.

 

Key realized he might have been too bold, but the cat was out of the bag. It needed to be. “You going off somewhere, not letting me know how you’re doing, not even replying to my messages — I hate it. I hate it because… because you’re too precious for me to let go of. You just… you just fit with me too well. So well it was comfortable and I didn’t even notice. Not until you were gone and you shut me out, and I spent every moment worrying if you were somewhere sad without someone to comfort you. I worried you’d marry that guy out of obligation and live unhappily. I worried that I’d never know but I was dying to know. I just…” Key took a deep breath and tried to compose himself when he realized he was overflowing with confessions. “I just think it’s wrong for us to be apart.”

 

Hyerin lingered there a bit longer until she gently stepped out of his grip. She finally turned to look over her shoulder and peer at Key, who looked more broken than she had ever seen before. He was definitely sincere. But letting her guard down was so difficult. She had taken enough needles to the heart already.

 

“Kibum,” she began slowly as she faced him, swallowing heavily. “Are you drunk?”

 

“No,” he replied simply.

 

“Kim Kibum, I swear to God, don’t you toy with me,” she warned, tears welling up in her eyes, lips quivering.

 

“That is the last thing I want to do,” he replied, mirroring her seriousness.

 

“Okay. Then tell me exactly what you are trying to say,” she demanded, running out of endurance to hold her feelings back.

 

“Hyerin, you’re a gem. You’re a girl who actually enjoys beer and who works ambitiously. You’re sensible, you’re gorgeous in red… you’re gorgeous all the time… You’re compassionate and thoughtful, selfless, honest… all the things that make up for such a moron like me. I know I’m an idiot and I don’t deserve you, but I want you by my side. As close to me as you can be. As more than just a friend this time.”

 

Her jaw was slack, like she just couldn’t get over her disbelief. She couldn’t move, didn’t know what to do next.

 

Kibum decided to make the first move. He stepped forward and carefully wrapped his arms around her, reattempting the hug that went so badly the first time. And to his surprise, he felt two arms link behind his back, and she carefully nestled into his shoulder, body trembling ever so slightly from light sobs.

 

Her speech was still punctuated by sobs when she finally spoke, but she sounded like she was happy, laughing. “Kibum, I just can’t get over how much of an idiot you are.”

 

He was too enamored by the warmth of her body and the sweet scent of her hair to take offense. He just smiled and lightheartedly replied. “Can I be your idiot?”

 

She laughed against his chest, and he got tingles. “You’re the only idiot I have ever wanted.” She leaned away just enough to meet his eyes, arms still clasped around him. He stared down at her, smiling, catching the faint glint of a happy tear escaping her eye and rolling down her cheek. He reached up to wipe away the tear trail gently. The look of fondness in his eyes was impossible to miss. It was so fulfilling to just hold her.

 

“What a waste of a year,” he lamented, still smiling down at her. “To think of all the times I could have been holding you like this, feeling this happy, making you smile.”

 

She just smiled back warmly. It was finally sinking in that more than three years of longing after him were finally being returned. Her heart was on cloud nine. “I guess I will get my happy new year after all.”

 

She carefully reached up and caught him behind the head, tugging downward gently until their lips met. It was a perfect combination of warmth and softness and months of twisted fate all leading up to this. Her hands slid over his shoulders, just clasping onto him with a gentle desperation. His hands hooked behind her back, happily providing support when it felt like her knees went weak beneath her. He only pulled her closer, not wanting to release her lips which just felt like the answer to every question that had tormented him all year. They didn’t even hear the fireworks and the cheers that happened when the clock struck midnight and the new year began. The fireworks going off inside were enough for the two of them.

 

Day 831

 

“Rinie, you’ll be finished in time right?” Kibum said as he plopped into the chair in front of her desk. Hyerin winced at the nickname. She had no problem with it usually, but in front of her co-workers it was kind of embarrassing. Her blushing cheeks were apparent to everyone in the room, even though she was dashing back and forth across the office, wrapping up several tasks.

 

“I know I said I’d be done at 3:30 but I have just a few small things left to finish. 10 minutes won’t be too much will it?” she called as she zig zagged between the copy room and the file cabinet.

 

Key automatically sent a mock look of disapproval to her other two older coworkers who were typing at their desks, smirking at the interaction. “This isn’t your fault is it? She promised she would be heading out the door with me at 3:30 exactly. So who is holding her up?” he teased.

 

The two ladies just chuckled lightly. It was always like this. She would be putting out fires and working hard all day as the director of domestic marketing at SM, and Key would stop in briefly whenever he was in the building. In those moments, the dragon boss Hyerin would go completely out of character. Even after more than a year of dating Key, she was still too excitable in his presence.

 

One of the ladies joked, “Don’t forget whom you are dating, Kibum.”

 

“Yeah, I never figured I would end up with a bigger workaholic than me,” he smiled. He was just teasing after all. He already knew when he walked in the door that she would still be scrambling to finish her work. He found it adorable.

 

But true to her word, they were out the door in 10 minutes and hopping into her car on the long drive to Daegu. But before she could even shift out of park he was leaning across the shifter to capture her lips and she was caught by surprise. But as always, she was melting at his touch.

 

“Noona, thank you for coming with me,” he said softly, still hovering above her lips.

 

“Of course. I always want to be there for you,” she replied, getting over the fluttering of her heart.

 

“I love you for that, among other things,” he confessed before his lips were drawn to hers again, as if by magnetism.

 

Hyerin just reveled under the sensation of his lips. Even after so much time together, Key had her heart doing somersaults. She was genuinely happy. But reluctantly, she had to push back on his chest.

 

“We have to go. We don’t want to be any later than we already are.”

 

Key resigned and returned to his seat but not before stealing one last quick peck on her lips.

 

Several hours later they were in Daegu, gathered together with his family in his parents’ home. Everyone was dressed in dark colors, clustered together in various groups, reflecting on their lost loved one. There used to be this gaping hole, but now they had healed and the family was even closer.

 

Kibum was on the couch, tired from working and travel, his head resting on his mother’s shoulder again. They were closer now than they had ever been.

 

“Darling, look at her. She fits right in,” his mother remarked, gesturing toward his girlfriend who was on the other side of the room, engaging in conversation with his uncle and aunt. She was gregarious and so naturally friendly that everyone in the family immediately felt comfortable with her.

 

Key opened his eyes just a bit to catch a glimpse and he wasn’t surprised at all by that sight. He adored her for that reason. She was so amazingly self-sufficient, just introducing herself and befriending everyone in the room without the help of someone in between. And it meant so much to him that his family approved of her.

 

“So when are you going to get married and give me some grand babies, huh Kibummie?”

 

Kibum just blushed. But his mom went on.

 

“You two had better bring them up here often. You two workaholics barely find the time to come up here as it is. I’m getting too old to drive to Seoul all the time.”

 

Kibum just smiled to himself and resumed snoozing on her shoulder. He treasured these comfortable moments among the people he loved. He rested his eyes and just took in the sounds surrounding him — his mother playfully nagging at him, the voices of his family conversing about the good times with his dearly departed grandmother, the sweet laughter of his girlfriend getting to know his outlandish uncle. This was the sound of happiness.