Day 104

“I’m sorry Woohyun, but I think we should push back the comeback,” Kibum spoke into his phone as he sat down to breakfast — his first proper breakfast in weeks.

 

“But I thought you said you wanted to take on the extra work since you had the free time?”

 

“I know I did. But I think I should take some time to just work sparsely and reflect for a while, you know?”

 

“You said working would be good for you.” Woohyun’s tone was neutral, like he was reporting the evening news. There was no trace of judgment or persuasion at all.

 

“Working is just a distraction. But I’m beginning to realize that my problems won’t go away until I slow down. I can’t keep running and pretending like I’m okay everyday.”

 

“I’m glad you said that. I worried you would never figure it out.” The humorous tone in his voice was beginning to emerge.

 

Key rolled his eyes as he chewed a mouthful of rice. “Oh no, not you too, Hyun. Everybody’s a therapist.”

 

Woohyun just chuckled warmly on the other end. “It’s okay. I can postpone the Toheart comeback. Just don’t make me wait too long.”

 

Key just chuckled back. “I’m sure I can find some space for you in my busy schedule sometime this year…”

 

“Hey don’t get too cocky. This comeback is happening with or without you,” Woohyun threatened playfully.

 

“Hey! There is no Toheart without me.”

 

“I can carry this group on my own if I have to,” he teased.

 

“Whatever, bye, My Hyun,” Key chuckled and hung up so he could finish eating. But in the midst of setting his phone down he knocked over a bowl and dumped some food in his lap. Thank goodness his pants were black so no one would see the spot when he went to work later that day. Hmm. How fortunate.

 

Day 151

Key was trying to multitask while walking through the main lobby of the SM Building. It had been a week since he had last posted to Instagram. He hated to go too long without an update because his fans would start to worry. Coffee and bag in one hand, phone in the other, he stretched out his long arm to try to capture a selfie of his designer dark brown coat and turtle neck before coat season started to melt away.

 

“Here, I’ll take it for you.” Someone who was passing in the opposite direction just snatched the phone out of his hand while he was trying to frame himself in the photo. He was about to have an outburst at their rudeness when he recognized the girl in the red coat. Except this time it was a pink coat. Perfect for the upcoming spring.

 

He smiled and remarked to her, “Hey, long time, no see.”

 

“That smile is perfect, hold it right there.” She held up the phone and captured a snapshot while Key quickly tried to straighten his pose at the last second. After confirming a good shot, she handed the device back to him so he could post it.

 

“My friend called me this morning,” she remarked conversationally while Key sheathed his phone in his pocket. “It seems he found some broken pots behind his business this morning.”

 

Key just looked up from what he was doing, cheeks blushing a little like he got caught. “Uh yeah, about that… I hope it’s okay. Yesterday was kind of especially bad.”

 

She just smiled to reassure him. “No worries. He collects the pot shards for mosaic projects anyway. Go smash any time you want.”

 

“What about you? Have you had any smashing sessions lately?” he asked.

 

“Just once since the beginning of the year. Though today has some real potential,” she said humorously. They both chuckled to themselves a little at the way they were talking so casually about personal issues that actually made them so crazy as to go destroy objects in the middle of the night.

 

Day 200

 

“Are you sure you’re okay with doing the show today?” Woohyun asked as he knotted his tie in the dressing room.

 

“Don’t worry so much,” Key smiled to reassure him. “I’m a lot better than I used to be.”

 

“Just thought I’d ask, considering what day it is,” Woohyun explained.

 

Key’s face immediately changed, suddenly fraught with apprehension. “Wait, what day is it?” He quickly drew his phone from his pocket to check an app on his phone, then followed with a “No! God dammit, not again.”

 

“Forgot?”

 

“I hate myself.”

 

“We don’t have to —”

 

“We’re already here. Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.”

 

The show proceeded as normal and Key was satisfied with the performance, despite the preoccupation in the back of his mind that kept nagging at him all day. Once all his work was complete, he changed into his dark denim jeans and a lightweight black sweater. It was a relief to not have to bundle up anymore since the summer was coming. After stepping out of the building, he immediately dialed his mother.

 

“Umma? I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier. I was late in realizing what day it is. How are you doing?” he asked as he climbed into the back of the van. As the ride and the conversation dragged on, his voice became more and more depressed. “I’m sorry I forgot, Umma. I honestly thought it was a few days after this. I would have been there with you…” Then the sighs of exasperation followed as he listened to her response. “I’ll see you this weekend Umma. I’ll have a two-day break then. I need to go now, though… I know. Again, I’m sorry. Love you.”

 

Key exhaled heavily as he ended the call. Balancing idol life and personal life was a never-ending battle. It meant disappointed friends and family at regular intervals. He always felt regretful towards his family for stealing time from them in order to work. But it stung the most when he promised something and then could not deliver because of schedules that had developed. Or just because of plain old absent-mindedness on his part.

 

He pressed his forehead to the cool glass of the van window and watched the lights go by as he silently pitied himself. A familiar neighborhood outside caught his eye and he called to the driver. “Hey, could you stop here for a few minutes? Right outside that plant shop near the corner.”

 

Key was thankful he had the easygoing driver tonight — the one who didn’t mind stopping and never asked questions. That was lucky.

 

As Key hiked down the alley, he was startled by the sound of shattering pottery. He wasn’t too surprised to discover the same girl who had showed him this place kicking shards around in her colorful spring outfit. She was uncharacteristically mad. In fact, she launched a pot at the brick wall before turning to acknowledge the footsteps she heard coming down the alley.

 

“Oh, you’re here. That was definitely unexpected,” she said, her voice remarkably calm but her shoulders were still heaving from the exertion of pitching a fit alone in the alley just seconds ago.

 

“I had a bad day,” he shrugged nonchalantly, purposefully trying to understate the severity of how badly he was feeling. “But it looks like you had a really bad day.” There must have been the remains of at least 12 pots strewn around her.

 

“It was a good day. Filled with good things. But I just couldn’t appreciate them,” she contradicted him.

 

“You have got to be the strangest optimist I have ever met.”

 

“I get that a lot, actually.” She just smiled sideways and offered him a flower pot. 

 

“I accidentally stood up my family today. My mom was really disappointed. She was expecting me to go home tonight so we could all be together,” he explained as he received the pot from her, just smoothing his fingers over the cracks and chips on its sides while he reflected on his conversation with his mother.

 

“Ouch. Filial Key disappoints his mother? No wonder you came out here,” she nodded knowingly.

 

“Yeah. Story of my life lately,” he said, the resentment obvious in his voice. He did the same as her and launched the pot at the wall where it shattered in a violent spectacle. It made him feel a little bit better instantly. “This is remarkably therapeutic,” he commented, voice a little calmer now.

 

“Yeah. It doesn’t solve my problems but it helps me muster the courage to try again tomorrow,” she sympathized.

 

“Hey, what is your name anyway? I can’t believe I never asked.”

 

“Hyerin.”

 

“You mind if I ask what set you off today, Hyerin?”

 

She was quiet for a moment, not expecting him to show so much personal interest all of a sudden. “A blind date,” she then answered plainly as she knelt to pick up a couple more pots.

 

“What was wrong with your date?”

 

“By all normal standards, he should have been a real catch. He’s nice and he has his life together and he really likes me. But I have to tell him that I don’t want to see him again. Ugh. Why can’t this be easier?” She weakly tossed the pot on the ground so it cracked but didn’t shatter.

 

Key crouched to pick it up and handed it back to her so she could throw it again. He didn’t see her composition itself cracking in the darkness. “Why don’t you want to see him again?”

 

“I want something else.”

 

“Fair enough. Why does it bother you so much?”

 

“Because what I like is so rare. And everyone gives me a hard time because I could have been well-married five times over by now, but I just don’t want any of these nice men who ask me out.”

 

“Have you ever actually met someone you wanted to date?”

 

“Yeah, but I feel like my chances are close to zero. Sometimes he’ll say something that gets my hopes up but then he goes back to ignoring me again.”

 

“I hate seeing girls ruin themselves over a boy who doesn’t acknowledge them. Whatever happens, have faith in yourself and don’t hate yourself over him, okay? Promise me?”

 

Hyerin was surprised by the amount of concern he was showing. A small smile crept onto her face as she reached out and pinky promised with him. “Okay. It’s a promise. This was supposed to be a Happy New Year for us, right? We still have half the year to get this right.” She held out her cracked pot and clinked it against his. Then in unison they smashed their pots together on the ground.

 

“Happy New Year!”