Day 415

“You really are an idiot,” Woohyun snickered before taking another sip of coffee and chuckling to himself.

 

“You’re no help at all. Really, why did you even meet me in the first place if this was all you could offer?” Key was getting frustrated at his friend. He had told his best friend the entire story from the coffee in the elevator to the hug that ruined everything, but this was definitely not constructive feedback.

 

“I hardly know about women either, but even I saw that coming,” Woohyun’s chuckle was evolving into a laugh. Sadistic bastard.

 

“Stop laughing. I’m serious. She won’t answer my phone calls,” he retorted, exasperatedly leaning his head into his hands.

 

“Well of course she’s tuning you out. She has a boyfriend now. It would be inappropriate to talk to you, the only human she has ever loved. And besides, why would she pick up the phone for you? Just so she can hear you say, ‘I’m sorry for being insensitive, noona. And by the way, I don’t feel the same way about you.’”

 

Key’s glare was searing. Woohyun only chuckled more as he sipped his coffee. “Even if you are totally right: You. are. an .”

 

“I only laugh because of the absurdity. This is a great story, you know? I should write a song about it.”

 

“Seriously, what is wrong with you?” Key narrowed his eyes at his friend.

 

“Okay okay, all jokes aside — You’ve told her you’re sorry, right?”

 

“Through at least 20 long texts, yeah,” Key sulked.

 

“Then that’s that. She has an apology. And now she can move on with her life.”

 

“That’s it? That’s all the friendly advice you’ve got?” Key was incredulous.

 

“Well what else are you going to do? Barge in on her next date with her amazing boyfriend who happens to have his together and actually likes her?”

 

“Like I said before: .”

 

“It’s not your job to make her feel better. You are, like, physically incapable of making her feel better since you are not interested in her. So stop trying to hurt her more just to ease your guilty conscience.” Woohyun was just way too honest sometimes. Key usually liked that about him. But still…

 

“I hate you for being right.”

 

 

Day 459

Key had a group comeback to worry about. And just like Woohyun had said, he could only tell Hyerin that he was sorry and then stop making things harder for her. So he conceded and gave her the silence she required.

 

SHINee made themselves busy with their preparations for a January comeback. He just knew it would be a hit. Key was back to his previous level of professionalism now. No lingering grief over his grandmother that caused him to space out on stage. No constant distraction that snowballed into personal crises like forgetting to meet his mother. In fact, it was like a Christmas miracle. Key actually got to go home to Daegu and spend two whole days with his family. But even more remarkable: the warmth was back.

 

The awkward silence and somber aura that shrouded all his family members had dissipated. In its place was lively conversation, the sound of laughter, happy reminiscing. Kibum felt better than he had in a long time. This was the kind of interaction he missed and for a while he wasn’t sure when or if he would ever get it back. He just sat around on the couch, tired from end-of-the-year activities, short on the energy to participate but still not wanting to miss a thing.

 

His tired head rested on his mother’s shoulder. She just smiled and petted his head affectionately. She worried about her son all the time, but at least he was stable now.

 

When the family activities had died down and Key woke from a very short catnap, he ended up getting into a very introspective conversation with his mother. She didn’t usually have the super-wise sage advice that his grandmother would regularly offer. That might be the thing Key missed the most about his dear grandmother. But mom was smart too. Perhaps he could receive wisdom from her.

 

He asked for her advice on his nagging feelings about hurting Hyerin. He explained how he had been hanging out with a girl who loved him for months, but he never recognized her feelings because she always kept a cool head and wouldn’t confess to him. Then he talked about how he worried about her now because she was probably in an unhappy relationship. And even though it was for the best that they not see each other again, he was upset that she wouldn’t even reply to his apology, wouldn’t tell him how she was doing.

 

“Kibummie, you really are an idiot,” his mother smiled warmly and pet his head again. He just glowered at that remark.

 

“I’m hearing that a lot lately,” he sulked. “But don’t you have any constructive advice? I mean, I want her to end up happy and if she doesn’t, I feel like it’s my fault.”

 

His mother seemed to be analyzing the situation in her head. “Hmm… Does she like beer?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Does she dress well?”

 

“Pretty nicely. What does that have to do with anything?”

 

“Does she work hard at her job?”

 

“Too much. But where are you going with this, Mother?” Key was becoming impatient with her strange reasoning.

 

“She seems like a nice girl that would suit you. I don’t know why you don’t like her,” his mother replied nonchalantly and shrugged like she disapproved

 

Key’s eyebrows crinkled up in all sorts of confusion. “Is this your criteria for approving my girlfriends, Umma? Likes beer, dresses well, workaholic? I can see you are so concerned about my future relationships, whenever I decide to try one,” he grumbled sarcastically.

 

“Well, when do you want to try a relationship?” his mother inquired.

 

“I don’t know, Mom. I haven’t even entertained the idea of having a girlfriend for… at least a year. There’s just too much going on in my head.” 

 

He had neither the time nor the emotional availability for dating. He just wanted to focus on getting through the various stages of grief and keep up a high level of work performance without self-destructing.

 

“I wouldn’t even recognize it if my ideal type were standing right in front of me offering to share a cup of coffee,” he added, his weariness evident.

 

“And what is your ideal type, anyway?” she asked.

 

He pondered his mother’s question. He had to throw out all that garbage about an ideal type that he always had to spew in interviews. Life had changed since then. The ideal fit for him had changed since then.

 

“I think I need someone who knows me well, even better than myself, so she can compensate for my shortcomings sometimes. Someone who is really loyal even in the difficult times. And someone who can just sit back, have a meal with me, and we can simply enjoy each other’s company without all sorts of expectations…” He cut himself off suddenly after thinking about it some more. His mother was hanging there in suspense, a smug grin creeping onto her face. It was because she knew her son, understood how his knotted little brain worked. And she knew how to compensate for that. By the stunned look on his face right then, she got the feeling she had done just that.

 

“Oh. So I am an idiot in two senses.” He sounded like he had an epiphany. An epiphany followed by sudden exasperation over all that it entailed. He leaned forward and buried his face in his mother’s shoulder. “Ugh, I hate my life right now.”