It started five days ago, when I was I was just coming back from a location shoot.  I knew Daesung was supposed to leave that night, so I had been trying to get out so that we could spend a few hours together.  As luck would have it, the last shots got cancelled because of a faulty camera, so I was happy that I could let Daesung know I’d be back early.  Everything was great, until we got stuck in a traffic jam, and somehow the place was a pocket of no reception, so I wasn’t able to let Daesung know.  By the time, I got out, I saw a few missed calls and texts, but I knew he was already on the flight.  When I got home, I saw a note on the counter from him along with a home-cooked meal that he said I should warm up to help my body recover from all the hard work.  He said he figured something had gone wrong and that he was sorry to have missed seeing me, but that he would call me when he landed.

I was disappointed in myself, but we were able to speak briefly that night before he had to meet with his producers.  We ended the call saying we loved and missed each other.

The next couple of days we played a series of phone and text tag – neither of our schedules able to coordinate despite our best efforts.  He sent me pictures every so often, just snapshots of his activities, and I saw one face stand out amongst the others.  When we finally connected on the phone yesterday morning, I asked him about him, Daesung said it was a new member of his band that he had really hit it off with.  He said they found out they had a lot in common, like drums and working out, so he was really looking forward to making a new friend since it could be lonely in Japan.  He had to get off the phone abruptly but he said he’d try to call me at night.

He didn’t call that night.

He didn’t even text.

He didn’t answer my call the next morning.

Later that morning, I got a text from him saying he was sorry, that he’d been out late and was going straight into rehearsals.  Out late?  That was different, I thought.

I called him a few times throughout the day, hoping I’d catch him, but it always went to voicemail.  My annoyance only grew with each call, until finally, late that night, he picked up, clearly yawning as he said hello. 

“Where have you been?!?”

“Ummm, at rehearsals earlier today, then we went to the gym, then to the venue for blocking, and I got home about an hour ago.  I was going to call you when I finished dinner – I was starving – but I think I fell asleep in the middle.  The plate’s still in my lap, hyung,” he said, chuckling tiredly to himself.

“Who’d you go out with last night?”

“We had so much fun, hyung!  Went out with the band… might have had a little too much… and I woke up, passed out on the floor at T’s place.”

“T?”

“You know, my new friend, I told you about him.  It’s so nice, hyung.  He speaks more Hanguk-mal than anyone else here, so I feel like I already know more about him than the other band members.  I hope you get to meet him.  I think you’d like him.  When we were at the gym today, he kind of reminded me of Youngbae hyung.”

“You went to the gym together too?”

“I ran into him there, and then we spotted each other for a bit.  Why are you asking me all these questions?”

“Well, if you’re not going to tell me things or call me, then I have to ask don’t I?  How else am I going to know if my boyfriend is cheating on me?”

“Cheating?!?  What are you talking about?  T!  Hyung, stop, it’s not even like that, and you know it.”

“Do I, Daesung?”

“Seunghyun, yes you do.  I know this is hard, but we’re trying to work through it, remember?  We talked about it last time, we have to try.”

“I’m trying.  I keep calling and texting, but you’re too busy to answer.  We said we’d make an effort to stay in touch, but I guess that only applies to me.  You’re too busy with your new friend, T.”

“I’m busy with work, hyung.  Don’t do this.  I was in rehearsal all day, and the time I finished, all I could think about was showering, eating and then I wanted to call you, but I fell asleep.  Like I told you.”

“You had time to go to the gym.  But you didn’t have time to just text me one time.  Must have been easy, since you were with T.”

“Hyung..”

“I can’t do this Daesung, it’s too hard.  It’s clear I miss you more than you miss me.”

“Hyung”

“You’ve got your friends there, and you have time for them.  It’s me that doesn’t fit into the equation.  Maybe we should stop fighting so hard, Daesungah.”

“Hyung! Let’s talk…”

“Sorry, I don’t think I can talk anymore.  This is a real goodbye, I love you.”

And I hung up the phone and took out the battery.

Almost immediately, I regretted what I said, but then I’d remember T, and all my insecurities and jealousies would claw at my sanity all over again.  When Daesung said he was like Youngbae, something reasonable in me snapped, and I feared I would really lose him this time.  I knew Daesung wasn’t cheating on me, but maybe, down the road, he’d see the differences and decide he’d had enough of me and my stupidity.

I put the battery back in earlier today and saw the dozens of missed calls and texts, but had been too ashamed to call back just yet.  I was trying to figure out how to say sorry when Youngbae knocked on the door.