There's this guy I've always admired since I was a child. 

I was only ten-year old and he was fifteen when we first met. 

Kris is his name. 

Kris Wu. 

He was different among the others. 

He always stood out in the crowd. 

To me, he was like the only one star twinkling above the night sky. So I wanted to reach him with my small arms. He was the one and only with the most unique shade of golden hair. I wanted to be his friend. I wanted him so badly...

I used to watch him from a distance. Most of the time, I'd find him sitting at the edge of the bridge as if he wasn't scared of falling. It frightened me all the time, because I was afraid he'd fall and I won't be able to catch him. I would always end up waiting for him across the street, behind the lampost where I'd pretend to be resting whenever he turned his head. And everytime he did, I'd feel the heat rising up across my cheeks, then I would sit down on the ground in panic, with my hand clutching my painful heart. Of course, I was just a child, so I thought I was sick when I noticed my heart's unusual rapid pace becoming constant.

I didn't know it meant something beautiful... 

Something like...

Love. 

The feeling of first love.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Ten years later...

 

"Commander! Commander!"

That's me. Calling our dear commander, the hot one, to be specific.

The Kris Wu.

Ten years ago, he was just a normal kid who became popular in school because of his unique hair. Everyone had dark hair except him, he was the only one with the rare one, the golden hair. Back then, I thought he had golden hair because he lived in Canada. I thought maybe Canada had a different kind of snow. Maybe the snow there had the power to dye hair. Of course, it was just a childish guess. His hair color was natural. He told me that when he first talked to me ten years ago, apparently he found out I was stalking him.

I remember the little version of me just looking up at him, to his sparkling eyes then at his golden locks. I was gaping and admiring his hair like a stupid little kid I was. I still remember the first thing he said to me: "Do not judge me by my hair color. I've had this since I was born and I'm proud of it." 

And I still remember my answer to his statement: "Me too. I'm proud of your hair. It's beautiful."

And I swear, he tried not to laugh at my stupid straightforwardness.

I still loved him anyway. I loved him even more when we became friends. I loved him to the moon and back when he saved me from drowning one day. I continued loving him even though he dyed his hair black. I loved him every single day. I longed for him everyday. I waited for him to love me too. 

Ten years...

He became successful.

Our commander.

Hence he became busier. 

He stopped visiting my house. He was all just work, work and work. 

I still loved him though.

"Commander!" I called out to him who was leaving the building with one of his friends at work. "Commander, wait a minute!" When he spun around, he was frowning as if I just disturbed his moment with his friend, which kind of annoyed me. I stopped running then, catching my breath as I took off my hat in front of him.

"What is it, Luhan? I have an important meeting to go to, please make it fast." He said coldly. His voice would pierce into my heart everytime he talked to me like that. It was just so unfair because he was so nice to his other friend and not to me.

"Hey!" I nudged at him playfully. "Don't be so mean! I really need your help, Kris." I said. "I- I mean, commander," I added quickly. "Commander, it's just that... your father added me to the whalers crew that will sail to the North. I don't wanna go there." I complained. I never really liked the idea of sailing, oceans or anything that has something to do with those things. Kris knew that. I was afraid of the sea.

The doctor said it was called thalassophobia or fear of the sea. It was triggered when I fell into the ocean once, the deep and wide, fearful and angry sea. I still remember drowning, the ocean's rage was unforgiving and impatient as it simultaneously weighed me down to its heart. I thought I was a goner but a hand squeezed mine, his gentle touch pulled me up from the crystal clear ocean. Kris was the one who saved me, and for that reason I really hoped that he'd be able to save me again. 

"So what?" Kris asked as he shot me a glare like he didn't care about me anymore. "Don't tell me you're scared? Luhan, it's not like there will be a swimming competition," he said sarcastically.

"It's not because I can't swim. I just don't wanna go there, Kris. Please help me convince your father to remove me from the crew," I insisted.

"I will if you give me an acceptable reason," he said, raising an eyebrow as his lips slightly twitched upward.

"But Kris," I whined as I bit my lower lip in deep thought. "I- you know that! I almost died when I-"

"Luhan," he said in a low voice, scowling at me defiantly. "That was a long time ago. You are all grown up now. It's time to get over your fears, try doing something about it. Learn how to swim, or whatever."

"B-But..."

"Luhan, I can't help you with this. If my father chose you to get on that ship and work, I have no right to change that. It's his job. It's the rules," he said as he penetrated through my tear-filled eyes. "You have to go out there and face your fear, you understand that, Lu?"

I understood it.

I just wanted to see if he still cared.

If he would still risk his life to save me. 

I guess I just wanted him to stop me from leaving.

I thought he would.

Because I didn't want to leave his side, I thought he wanted the same.

I didn't want to be in a place without him. 

I wanted to feel his presence everyday, hear his voice only, brush his soft hair with my fingers and love him eternally. Just like that, I was so, so crazy about Commander Kris.

I just wanted him to find me a reason to stay. 

Unfortunately, we both knew that I might not be able to come back home once I sail with the others.

I knew I might not be able to see him again. 

Scared of the sea? 

Scared of drowning again?

It wasn't just that.

I was just scared of completely losing him, though he had always been beyond my reach.

 

Anyway, that was the first time I felt so rejected by him. I couldn't stop thinking about what he said. Did he really mean it? I asked myself as I stood on the shore and looked towards the beautiful horizon. How could he, the only friend I trusted, send me away like this? I thought sadly, totally weighed down inside. 

Was it because he was busy with his job that he didn't have the time to hang out with me anymore?

Was he tired of the horror stories I used to tell him every Fridays we stayed up on the hill? Was he bored of me counting the stars until we both just fell asleep soundly?

Or was I too clingy? Too childish? Was I bothering him too much? Maybe he thought I depended on him too much when he's clearly not my brother nor anyone related to me. I decided that I was indeed a burden to him and I had to do something about it. So I took a step forward, letting the breeze of the day blow me further from the shore.

"It's time to get over your fears and do something about it." 

I remembered it clearly.

"You have to go out there and face your fear, you understand that, Lu?"

Well, when was he ever wrong? When did I ever disagree to him? When did I ever say no? Never. He was that great to me, too great that he was out of my league. 

"He's right," I mumbled to myself as I walked towards the ocean and a white dove flew right in front of me and swooshed all the way to the horizon. My heart was pounding hard against my chest as I gazed at the ocean water surging and retreating. Soon I felt the water on my knees, and then I let out a deep breath to relax myself as I went carefully, yet daringly, into the bottomless sea. 

'Face your fear, Luhan. For Kris. Be fearless like him.' I thought, my eyes remained shut with fear. 'Swim, Luhan. Swim.'

If I couldn't even do a single thing to make him proud I was his friend, then maybe I should just give up on us becoming more than friends.

Kris and I were far too different from each other. He was brave and I wasn't. He was talented in many ways and all I could do was observe him and admire him even more. I knew I wasn't worthy of him. I knew very well that I still had a long way to go before I could reach his heart.

"Learn how to swim or whatever."

Even though I was a little offended at his words, I just decided to take it in an optimistic way. I thought maybe if I learned how to swim, he would notice me. If I let go of my fear just as he told me so then maybe, just maybe, he would make me stay. 

But what if I can't do this after all?

I thought hesitantly.

What if I drown again?

Will someone save me?

Will he find me before it's too late? 

Would he still hold my hand firmly, just like when we were kids?

Or let me die...?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the end, I couldn't do it.

 

 

Simply knowing that I was under the sea, horrified me.

 

 

There was no hope for someone like me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's what I thought. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thought I wound be dead by then. I don't know how he found me but I knew it was him when I felt a pair of strong arms wrapped around my waist as it lifted me up from the salty water. I didn't see his face but I was certain it was him, because being so crazy in love with him made me recognize surprisingly the quickest of his fingers against my skin and the scent of his natural golden hair hidden behind his dark locks even with my eyes closed. The next thing I re