This love story didn't start with a 'love at first sight' type of thing. Rather, it started with a 'love-after-a-hundred-freaking-sights-of-your-face-until-I-got-bored' type of thing.

We started out fine. It was the typical thing you'd hear about, best friends turned to lovers. We were young, confused, and felt that we were the only people in the world who understood each other. Naturally, we started to depend on each other and tried new things together. Like kissing, for example. We were sixteen then. At that time, it was love. It was something we thought only we could could give each other, something we adolescents, indulged in.

We had to fight for our love.

As months passed by, keeping our relationship a secret was starting to getting hard. By then, we were at the last phase of high school. Keeping our relationship at school wasn't much of a problem because people were already used to seeing us best friends so close with each other.

It was keeping it from the family that was hard.

Guilt started to crystallize, as more time passed it got harder to lie to them. Knowing the conservative mindset our parents held, disapproving of our relationship was no foreign thought. Together, we endured the guilt until itbecame too much to hold.

That day, we decided to tell our parents. I was seventeen by then, Jongdae almost.

That night, both of us cried ourselves to sleep with the scars on our heart burning to distract us from the bruises and wounds on our skin.

Yeah, we had to endure all that .

Despite the disapprovals from all sides, we continued to stay by each other's side. We even agreed to stay in the same dorm and study at the same university. By then, my family had come to accept my uality while Jongdae still received the cold shoulder from his father.

'A disappointment', that's what his father called him.

He was the complete opposite to me, though. Was it love that made me see him as someone brave? Or was it hatred that blinded his father and made him look at Jongdae as something so hurtful? I believe it 's the latter, because Jongdae was far from what his father had called him.

Although it was hard to be belittled by the only man he looked up to, Jongdae took it and still chose to be with me. And that's what made me admire Jongdae the most. He was strong. 

Countless times, my mother had persuaded me to reconsider my life choice. I simply chose who I wanted to love, but to them it was as if I had chosen to end my life. I still don't understand it.

"Minseok-ah, you know I love you but can't you reconsider? I'll find you someone better. Someone who can give you children. Minseok-ah, I've always wanted grandchildren. I've dreamt of that moment for so long. Minseok-ah, I only want you to be happy. You're still young. You're just confused, I know. But this isn't right. Can't you reconsider? Minseok, please." She pleaded to me for weeks with her tears as she begged for me to change my mind.

To be honest, I wavered at her pleas. So did Jongdae, he felt pity. At one point, we wondered if we were doing the right thing. If we were, then why were we hurting everyone because of our love? Even at that moment, we stayed.

But somewhere along the way, we got tangled in our romantic love story and I tripped. Suddenly, I wasn't falling anymore. I fell to the ground and landed on my arms, my heart sown to my sleeve.

"Our company hired a new worker today," Jongdae starts to tell me about his day as he pants heavily after making love to me.

I hummed back to show that I was listening. Well, partially listening.

How could I focus when all I can think about is the mind-blowing we had? After months of dull touches and forced s, I felt replenished. Today, I didn't have to fake anything. Today, I didn't have to e beforehand. But only because I pictured our new hot neighbor on top of me instead of Jongdae. Yes, I feel guilty. I'm disgusted with myself. But I'm sure having those thoughts wasn't anything foreign after a relationship that was way past its 10 year mark.

Our relationship gradually began to evolve around routines. It was boring, and I had the urge to rekindle the passion we once burned.

That's when I screwed up.

I tried changing you to someone I didn't know just to feel like I wasn't in the same boring relationship.

'Why don't you change your hair, baby?'

'You should throw these ugly clothes out, let's get new ones tomorrow.'

'I bought a new toy today, let's try it!'

'There's a nice weather outside. Let's go skinny dipping, what do you say?'

I did anything to spice up our lives, add some passion to it. It's evident that we were past the age to do these things, and that it was too late in the relationship to change him -based on my knowledge from books, trying to change your partner usually happens in earlier stages of relationship- but something had overcome me. I became desperate for change. I was too busy trying to force myself to keep loving Jongdae and changing him that I didn't even realize that I was the one who changed.

'Stop,' he tells me one day when I tell him about how I want to try sky diving.

"Baekhyun and Chanyeol tried it and they told me how invigorating it was! Maybe we can try it this week-"

"Just stop!" He raises his voice this time. "What has gotten into you? I feel like I don't even know you anymore! Sky diving? Minseok, you know how dangerous that is. Especially with your heart condition! How can you harbor such reckless thoughts?"

And for the first time in a few years of our dull relationship, I feel something.

I am stunned.

I know this little outburst isn't just because of my proposal to go sky diving. He's referring to the way I've been acting in this relationship for the past few months.

"Are you tired of our relationship?" he asks me.

"No," I tell him, mainly because I'm afraid of what he'll say or do if I tell him the truth.

"Are you tired of me?" This time, he's looking at my shaking eyes.

'No.' Once again, this is what I want to tell him but the word escaping my mouth stops halfway.

The vision of Jongdae starts to get blurry and it takes me a while to realize that I'm crying. No, this can't be happening.

'No, I'm not tired of you,' is what I try to say but it's too late. My silence and tears have said it all. And then we stay like that for what felt like eternity. With Jongdae staring at me as I bury my head between my knees, too ashamed to face my best friend and lover. And then he takes me into his arms and he kisses my tears away. This causes more tears to flow because my heart doesn't beat faster like it used to. My face don't set ablaze like it used to. I love him, but I don't love him liked I used to.

"Do you regret being with me?" He asks when I've finally calmed down. His eyes are red too, and I silently ask myself who did this to him. It's me. I'm a monster who destroyed you with my selfish needs. I ask myself why, why I allowed myself to do this to such a beautiful human being.Why couldn't I be selfless and keep quiet?

"No, God no," I tell him. "Being with you was the best decision I ever made."

"Then why did you try to change me? Why didn't you tell me? We could've tried marriage counseling. We could've tried meditation. I would've done anything to make you stay with me and make things go back to the way it was."

"I was falling out of love. Our relationship felt hopeless, and amidst the desperation I tried to light up a candle that already had its wick burned to ashes. I tried, Jongdae. I tried so hard to keep loving you. I tried so hard to cherish what we fought so hard for. I tried so hard to make us last forever."

"And look at what we are. We're nothing now," Jongdae lets out a bitter laugh because of the irony. "Nothing lasts forever. At least your attempts weren't futile." 

In the end, we gave up.