Dreams And Nighmares.                                                                              "Dreams will become nightmares, if you want it to become reality. Past will become a horrifying present, if you want to remember it."                             Words: 3167

I don't know when I met her, but all I remember that it was a snowy night. All the cold had frozen me to the bones. All I could I think was when I will get out from this horror. As you might guess, my mood was not good either. It was New Year's and Jongin had been annoying me to get out of the house or he had to kick me in the . I didn't want to instead I just wanted to sit, with one Americano is one hand and sip it while it warms up my cold cavern. 

Jongin really did kick me in the to dress up and not be an introvert who just makes music and can't socialize. Oh! That hurt me. I had an urge to punch him so hard, but I couldn't. So I just dressed up ready to go outside and meet the horrible weather outside. Winter was not my best friend as you might already see, it was the worst. As I stepped outside, the cold wind that suddenly caressed my open cheeks got me a shiver as I vibrated within. 

Jongin told me to wait beside the cafe while he fetches his friend. It was seriously getting on my nerves how Jongin was acting this evening. A bit of nervousness, a bit of happiness, a bit of everything. So I waited for the boy to arrive. The cold irked me and I never felt so...I don't know out the place. The people, the chit-chatters, the laughter, their partners all of it, made me feel lonely as I looked at them. I felt empty, something I don't always feel.

There from far, I could hear Jongin cheerful laugh. A giggle that accompanied it. I rolled my eyes, as I knew what this boy has been up to. He was lady charmer, as I always say. But then...when I saw them turning around the corner coming towards me, I felt different. I felt something that made my hear skip a beat, my stomach churning, my breathe shortened as I tried to catch it. So I coughed. I coughed hard. Seeing the scenery had me cross my boundaries, it crossed my imaginary, it went beyond my world. It warmed me. The cold, it was not bothering anymore or the people beside me.

I saw a girl. A girl so beautiful, so good-looking. Her eyes crinkled as she laughed over a joke that Jongin just made. I noticed her fingers, so slender, like the ones that would be nice to intertwine my fingers with. Her hair was cut short, up to her shoulders, sort bangs covering her forehead. She wore a navy, blue solid sweater, the collar loosely hanging around her neck. A fair, fresh flesh could be seen behind the loosely adjusted collar.

The whole night, the short treat at the cafe, her way of socializing, her way of showing friendship, I was noticing it closely. Unknowingly, it made a small smile to my lips. That night she introduced herself to me,

"Hey, I'm Hana. I'm Jongin's friend. It's a pleasure to meet you." She offered her hand and I shook it willingly. Her hands that I gripped were so cold, that I wished I could warm. I wished to hold her hand tighter and never let go.

 

But during the meeting, something increased. My curiosity for Hana or whatever you call it.  Those secret looks at her, holding her hands ‘accidentally’ or just doing some skin ship. But something was not right. I felt it. But not with me, with Jongin and Hana.

 

But at the end, during the drive in the car, where Jongin was driving and I was casually listening to the radio, Jongin told me something that I wished I never heard ever. I wished the time would have never come, I wished that I had covered my ears. I wished to forget it that it never happened.

Jongin said with a little shyness, but the happiness was clear in his voice. I never saw Jongin so...blessed.

"Hyung, the girl you just met, Hana?"

"Hmm." I showed that I am listening. 

"Hana and I will get married. The first day of next year. It means day after tomorrow. I know I didn't tell you before about her, and you just met her. It was because we are getting married in secret. Without anyone knowing, about it. You know, whom I mean? I just told you, because I felt like you should know." 

The radio sounds muffled around me. I could not listen anymore. Everything beside me blurred. Was I just surprised? Or was I just hurt? 

 

 

 

I couldn't really pinpoint what I was feeling that night. I tossed and turned in my bed looking for way to sleep, so I could find my answers in my sleep. But no it had no avail. From that night, I really couldn't look at the couple that same way I had before. I was disgusted. I was afraid. I felt lonely. Whenever, Jongin called me to go with him to the dates with Hana, I seriously used to turn him down with a simple "no". And, somehow, Jongin understood. He would just close the door without looking back and convincing me again. I was happy with that. But somewhere down in my heart, I was desperate for Jongin to pull me with him. I wanted to meet her again.

It was days from the last time I saw her. But once, during the night, when I was comfortably making music in my computer, I got a call. The number unknown, as I furrowed my eyebrows still looking at the screen. I was deciding within myself whether or not to answer it. But I did. And I was glad that I did it.

"Hello." I asked hoping for my recent dreams to come true. I wanted that voice to answer me. And next came, a voice, so silent yet so loud. It was a voice that it had been dipped in honey and the sweetness that I could hear so clearly.

I talked so much. It was the highest time that ever I talked with someone. Hana was so nice to talk to; it felt like I was talking to myself all along. I talked with her overnight, discussing about the New Year’s, about her family, about mine. It felt like I knew her from before. I never felt so...blessed. So much warmth it gave me, her hellos, her questions, her laugh, just her plain voice.

 

That night, same as before I tossed and turned in my bed, looking for a glimpse of sleep. Just a dream, just some answers. So I slept, soundlessly, that night. I got my answers.

But I don't know why I didn't know what this feeling is. 

Was it love? Was it hatred?

Or was it just mere curiosity?

But I don't want to know it.

Because I just wanted to forget.

Forget that Hana had ever met me and I met her.

 

So that night, it was the last time I heard her voice. The last time I ever heard her goodbye. I left early morning for a destination that I never knew it myself. But I know I had to go far, far from these nightmares that appeared as dreams to me. Far from Jongin, far fro