Wonwoo

As soon as I heard the heavy voice of the director echoing in my ears when he screamed "Cut!", stopping all the music and declaring everyone their lunch breaks, I scurried off of the set and into my dressing room where I met face with a few cordi-noona's, trying to sneak by without interrupting their conversations induced with gossip.

I quickly took a seat in the chair with my name printed on the back, looking directly into the mirror with the bright circle headlights before me with a sigh. I had noticed the few sweat droplets forming on my head.

Something left with me that night. That night that brought up questions of the truth that I was too busy trying to run away from. I felt as if there was some snake wrapping itself around my torso, choking the dear life out of me. Trying to squeeze my true feelings out of my body like squeezing lemons to make lemonade. It was mentally tormenting and even began to affect my physical performances. Fans had noticed on social media that I wasn't smiling as much during concerts, giggling as much during vlogs, talking as much during interviews. I mean, how could I when I questioned the work I was doing every second? Questioned whether I really had a passion for it or not? Quetioned if it was really for me? Maybe I was just letting the opinions of others get to my conciousness. Maybe it got to me because it was true. Just maybe.

But for some reason, it had made me more aware of how much of myself I was actaully allowed to be. I could never truly peel off the suffocating mask pasted onto my face every second of the day. I could never get the comfort of doing so and it began to irk me like a splinter in my finger. I wanted it. I deserved it. Convincing myself just that had only made me realize more that it was what I was lacking. Yeah, I was partially myself with the boys but I could never really share my true thoughts with them. Not how I really felt. They only knew the fierce, tough, with a dash of cuteness rapper with the small eyes and powerful voice. They knew Wonwoo. Not Jeon Wonwoo. The only person I could possibly think of that I had revealed the most to was-

"Yah! Just because you're a pretty boy doesn't give you the right to gawk at yourself in the mirror. It's lunch time. I was thinking Kimchi Stew, my treat? Let's go," her voice entered the room as an aura, the sound of it resembling the calm and gentleness of a spring breeze.

Soonra.

My eyes darted towards her reflection. She was waving to me, peering through the doorway while smiling a big smile, making her eyes appear to be little wrinkles. I couldn't help but smile back, she was so friendly. Her light creme skin gave her a refreshing look, along with her ash black silky hair that fell down her back like curtains on a window. Her small pink heart lips were plump, and her eyes weren't similar to how all the ulzzangs preferred them. She had monolids, smoothly shaped like almonds, they reminded me of warriors. The icy blue contacts she wore made her look more modish and her eyelashes fluttered like butterflies. 

We became good friends in the third grade of middle school, and have been close ever since. We easily related, and wanted the same things in life. She was one of the best trainees of our time. She would be debuting with a new R&B girl group off of Pledis Entertainment called "Sisterhood", and I couldn't be more proud. I knew she worked in ways a trainee of two years has to work in the span of only nine months. She deserved it. Yeah, I had crushed on her from time to time in the past, but I eventually began to accept her more as a sister figure. She was a man's fantasy, so who wouldn't? Everyone thought we had been dating secretly at one point, but that all changed after the boys and I debuted. 

"Hey Soonra," I said humbly, smiling faintly so that my mood didn't show through my once troubled expressions. "Kimchi Stew sounds good.. Let me uh, freshen up real quick, then we can be out," I said, gestering to the bathroom door behind the coordi-noona's that sort of blocked it with the gathering of their little possy. Seriously, is this what woman in their mid-30's do all day? 

"Okay, hurry up. Don't keep me waiting," She tucked her lips in a cute way, holding her hands behind her back before she disappeared from the doorway. 

I sighed, looking at the cloudiness of my eyes in the mirror reflection one more time.    

We ended up at some resturant down the block from the set. For not being as packed as you would assume, the place was lively. We took a booth by a window, and waited for our orders patiently. 

"Here you are. Two bowls of Kimchi Stew," the smiling waitress appeared with a metal tray, carefully placing each of our boiling hot bowls of stew in front of us, then placing our drinks at their sides. 

"Thank you!" We said in unision, eyeballing the bowl with steam escaping from it's opening. 

She bowed before continuing on to another table. "Enjoy!" 

The aroma of the meal was so thick and heavy, it only made the idea of dipping my face into it more tantaliziing. 

"Mmm," I moaned after taking a spoonful. The potatoes, kimchi, and other various vegtables smothered in the thick broath tasted like heaven. It made me feel like I hadn't eaten in days. 

"How is it?" Soonra raised her eyebrows holding her first spoonfull, looking over at me for approval. 

I looked up at the ceiling as if in hesitation. "Spicy," I smiled, taking another spoonfull, "just how I like it." 

She nodded before eating, making similar reactions. 

After watching her vigilantly eat the hot stew, my mind wondered elsewhere. Back to the place I was earlier. 

I was so emotional lately and I didn't know why. Was this what becoming an idol was supposed to feel like? Or was I just not breaking in yet? Possibilities of me overreacting began to fill my mind, and it only frustrated me more. I felt like I was always being watched, judged, and ordered around like some dummy. I was far from one. I had to think about everything that I did, what people thought of as a good life skill felt more like a burden. 

"Is everything alright? You look like you're looking at a ghost," Soonra asked worriedly, looking around herself. I laughed half-hearted at her sillyness.

"I don't even know how I feel. I've got a lot on my mind. What if all of this isn't cut out for me? " I doleully mumbled, slowly twirling my spoon in the stew while resting my cheek on my hand. 

She her lips before sighing, holding the hand that twirled the spoon around in the stew. I looked up at her slowly. 

"I don't know exactly what you're feeling since I'm still a trainee. But hey, please cheer up?" She ducked her head as I turned my attention back towards the stew, trying to make out my expression. 

"Yah.. You're just overthinking everything. You aren't used to the lifestyle yet. But you will be soon. You were made for this. You've talked about it since grade school!" She exhilarated, trying her best to get my eyes. 

What I talked about didn't necessarily include becoming an idol. 

I sighed, too bummed out to look anywhere but into the bowl as if it contained an answer of some sort. 

"-i.." She whined. It reminded me of our high school years, when she would beg me to go out to parties with her. I missed those times. 

"You will get what you have been longing for out of this. That's a fact. You want this, trust me." 

How could she be so sure? Maybe I gave her too much credit sometimes. A small wave of disappointment came upon me. 

'"Thanks Soonra, you always know how to raise my spirit. You're the best." I faked a smile as best as I could, looking into her eyes to ensure that I was "ok". 

Her once worried expression brightened, and she smiled that big smile, the one that made her eyes appear as wrinkles. 

The rest of the lunch date was accompained by silence, consisting of her scrolling threw her phone, and me looking out of the glass window at the pedestrians that passed by, trying to figure out things. Being this uncomfortable and gloomy, carrying a weight of frustration on my back was so foreign to me. I couldn't stand it, it wasn't  like I wanted to be that way.

My eyes turned towards a stray soju bottle rolling in the street, probably hit by a passing car. It instantly brought my mind to the other night, where I had gotten caught up with that foreign fan in the park. I could smell the mixture of her warm soju breath and the light perfume she wore on her skin like it had just happened yesterday. It was very light perfume, one I've never smelled before. It wasn't bothersome, and wasn't one you'd choke on after smelling so much of it. I wanted to smell it again. 

I couldn't remeber the exact words she had said to me that night, but they had put my tears to a hault and made a smile I didn't know I had appear. My mother had always told me that those  people were the ones I needed to put and keep in my life forever.

I had asked God to guide me that day. And if he couldn't, than to atleast give me a sign. A sign that everything would be okay soon. And that's when she had appeared, like a little angel from the sky. Coming to comfort me and tell me that everything was alright. 

But trying to make her a friend would be a complete taboo. She's not an idol, nor is she Korean.. What if it had gotten into the media? My career would be over.

The career that I wasn't even sure I had been in love with from the start. 

Elowen

"I can't believe you freaked out like that! You've ruined any chance that you've got with him, way to go Elow," Becky said displeased, turning her head from me and crossing her arms like a disappointed mother as we walked side by side.

A part of me felt the same way. Yeah, I totally made myself look like a total anti-social, introverted little girl in front of the bias of my dreams but.. I knew I could make up for it somehow, if I ever got to see him again. In other words, I had hope. I had hope in the fact that he didn't entirely think I was crazy.. For now. 

On the other hand, it was our first day of school, and Beck and I weren't as ecstatic and nervous as we had sworn we'd be. I guess that was good in some ways. We sped walked through the campus, being sure to not ram into any other students hastily trying to rush to their first classes. 

The sky was filled up with gray clouds, hovering over everything below like a dark blanket. It made everything around us appear gray, but wasn't associated with gloominess. Just dullness. 

The campus was like a maze, paved pathways going in all directions, fields of grass and trees filling in anything between them. The campus contained other specific buildings of importance along with the school itself. The dorms, school mall, and greenhouse surrounded the campus like little sibllings. 

I gasped in disbelif towards Beck's actions. She always overexagerated in a way.

"Oh please, like you would be able to handle the situation any better! The bias of my ing dreams took me out to eat at a ramen shop, and then drove me home. What the hell was I supposed to do? Stuff like that just doesn't happen, okay? I didn't know what to do," I said, looking at her with furrowed eyebrows. Mentally swearing at myself, I began to picure what he was saying about me after I got out of the car. 

She sighed, wrapping her arm around me my shoulder. 

"You're right," she admitted, tightening her lips, "I probably would've my pants, cry like a little , and do a whole bunch of other things that would've ruined my life forever." 

I nodded quickly in agreement before she sent daggers into my eyes. 

"The point is, you were supposed to be the cool fan! You are the role model for us fangirls, to prove that we're all not crazy. To prove that we're all human and not fire-breathing demons." She said, dramatically patting her heart with her hand. 

I my teeth, peeling her arm from around me and adjusted the strap of the bag on my shoulder, holding a few of my class books and school supplies. I'd have muscles on one arm by the end of the year.

"It just isn't that easy.." I mumbled, looking away from her solemnly. I was so angry at myself. How could another human being possibly make me act a way that couldn't be explained in words? Was I weak, or was I just simply overreacting? It was an annoying thought and continued to knaw at my insides. 

Noticing my silence, Becky sighed before taking my arm and pulling me to the side to sit at a nearby bench. Turned to my side, she placed her hands on my shoulders. I looked up at her drearily. 

"I'm sorry for coming at you like that," she sighed before biting her lip, a habit of hers, "I just.. I'm not sure if I can even handle this, and it's not even happenning to me!" My eyebrows furrowed the tiniest bit at her actions. 

"This is like an imaginary prophecy that all us fangirls dream of, and it's actually happening to you.." She awed to herself, taking her hands off of my shoulders to run one through her hair. After whispering to herself, her eyes met mine. 

"Remember how I always told you, no matter what, to always be yourself?" She asked me with serious eyes. I nodded slowly. 

"Even in this case, that's what you should do. Why live life without being true to yourself? If someone ever makes you feel like you should do otherwise, you should stay away from them." She said sincerely. My eyes widened at her words as if I was just unlocked from a trance. When did she become so wise? Though her words made my brain tingle, and my heart shift. She had always told me to be myself, and I had always admired her for how much she was herself at any given time. She seemed to have so much power over others just by doing that alone. 

Noticing my change in demeanor, she smiled and patted my shoulder with her hand. I opened my mouth to speak, but before anything could come out, a loud bell sounded from the school, causing a lot of students to gasp and yelp worriedly while scurrying towards it's entrance. 

"Oh snap I've got Graphic Design as my first course and that's all the way on the third floor. I gotta' scram," Beck said quickly while gathering her things, then rushing away towards the school like the rest. 
 

"Beck, wait!" I got off the bench and yelled out to her. 

"I have three courses today and you only have one, maybe you should make some new friends and go out to lunch? Love you girl, see you back at the dorm!" She waved me off, before turning around and picking up her pace. 

I sighed, slowly picking my bag up from the ground and hauling it over my shoulder. I began to amble along the path to the school, thinking about how I would change Wonwoo's thoughts about me, if he ever thought about me in the first place. 

                                                                                            .  .  .

After strolling through the hallways with a tightened stomach since I had a bad feeling about being late with the emptiness of the halls, I looked up from the map of the school in my hands, and smiled slightly when I could see the numbers of my first course beside a door several feet diagnol from me. The only thing that had stopped me from running over to the door and charging in frantically to take a seat was a boy that stood right outside of it.

He seemed to be pretty tall, I could tell by the way he was crouched down, and his chocolate brown hair had a shine to it. Hand over his eyes, he peered through the window of the classroom door, hesitant to walk in. I was surprised no one had noticed him yet. Scared to ask him to move out of the way, I sort of tip-toed over until I was just some inches away from him. 

"Excuse me," I coughed. He gasped, instantly looking up at me with wide eyes. His eyelids then dropped, and he puckered out his lip with a sigh. 

"You have this class right now, huh? Great, now I have to go in." He said. He got up slowly from his crouching position, and leaned to the side of the door where his backpack was placed, on a wall so that he was no longer in sight. My eyebrows puckered with a look of confusion. 

"Why don't you want to go in?" I leaned on the wall adjacent from him so that I too wasn't in front of the door. I took a look at the side of his face as his attention was blankly pasted on a wall in front of him, hands in his pockets before he began to speak. I was guessing he was Korean by his slim face, small lips, slim nose, and perfected hair, though he had big eyes, the monolid was patent. But his voice was certainly American, along with the surprising huskiness to it. He was a pretty boy with an inoffensive aura. It made him easy to approach. 

"It's my first day at this college, and of course, I'm late. Why does this alway's happen to me?" He sunk his head beneath his shoulders, causing his hair to cover his eyes. I giggled silently to myself at his actions. He seemed more like an actor straight out of a drama rather than a college kid, upset about being late. I felt pretty damn chill about being late, now.

"It's cool, I'll go in with you. We're both late," I said nonchalantly. 

He looked up at me with a muddled expression. "W-why are you so calm?" 

I shrugged while laughing. "Because I'm always late too." He smiled slightly at my response.

I wasn't always so chill, and easy-going towards these kinds of things, but high school sort of made me this way. Stressing about what people thought, or about what I was wearing, or how late I was to something eventually drove me to the point where I didn't have the energy to care anymore. It's helped me in a lot