Elowen

My fantasy life in Korea started to subside. It was a terrible feeling. I was naive for thinking that there was nothing for me back home, but it was sincerely how I felt. Going to SK had been a serious desire for so long, and the thought of losing it made me feel out of control.

Eveyday was a good day there. Everything that I had wished for took place and the good memories were endless. When I went back home, I'd be left with the torment of my own thoughts, hanging on to those memories for dear life, and reminding me that they were no more.

The best way to describe it was an escape from everything else. My confusion as a person, the strange emptiness, the feeling of not knowing who I was or what I wanted to do: Korea took me away from all of that. And to be cleansed from worries and anything else that had stressed me was unexplainable. Just pure bliss. To the foreign smell of the city and the way it lit up at night, to the sting of soju down my throat and not being able to understand everything all the time. If I wanted to do something, all I had to do was get up and do it, and I fell in love with that freedom. 

Freedom. That's what it was. I was guranteed a freedom that I didn't want to let go.

With that occupying my mind, a mound of stress began to build within me; slipping in my math class, my sudden emotional swings, and Wonwoo being contributing factors. 

My cruise ship of ecstacy was sank slowly. My bad math habits from high school payed a visit, and soon I was missing assignments, and finding it harder and harder to stay focused in class. My mom became vexed with me and called me often, ranting on about the past. Her stern voice over the phone didn't make me feel any better. 

I missed Wonwoo like I had never missed anyone ever in my life. I felt like an abondoned puppy left out in the rain. Every time I called it went straight to voicemail. I hated myself for being sad because I had already seen it coming. I missed his features. Every time I closed my eyes I would try to draw his face with my thoughts. But as each day passed, my detail with it weakened. 

Johnny was a complete different story. That night at his apartment left me stirred. We became such close friends, closer than I expected, and I treasured it. Our relationship was different from Beck and I's. I liked it. But the side he revealed to me left me questioning his actions. I didn't want anything like a few misconceptions to ruin what we had. I wanted to just forget it and move forward, but every time I looked at him, that night was all I saw. I distanced myself to clear my head and he sensed it. It was frustrating him and I didn't know how to react to it. 

I didn't see Becky much. The only time she came back to the dorm was to clean her clothes and fix her makeup. Her boyfriend had a big enough bed for the both of them I guess.

I called my sister often. I felt bad for talking to her just because Beck wasn't around but her absence made me realize how much I missed my sibling. We talked for a few hours each day. We we're extremely close too, us only being a year apart was probably why. 

"You could alway just leave everything and come back home with us, me and Mom," She said. I missed her voice. It reminded me of a ten year old boy. 

I laughed.

"Don't worry.. I knew it wasn't going to happen," She responded laughing as well. 

The laughter died down, sighs now being exchanged. 

"You'll work everything out Elow, you always do. Don't hold your head so low."

I smiled at her words. 

"I guess," I said tiredly. 

"Well it's six something and I've got class at eight. I'll call you later. Love you, Elow." 

"Love you too, Ina. Thanks for everything." 

Becky came walking in as soon as I hung up.

"Hey," She said walking towards the vanity, in search for something. 

"Hey," I muttered, looking down at my phone. 

"There you are! I knew it was here," She mumbled to herself, pulling something from one of the vanity drawers. 

She turned to me and smiled. "I needed my ID. Me and Hyukie were just about to head out to a club downtown." She said, throwing little things in her purse while talking. 

"Ah," I nodded, not looking up from my phone, looking over Wonwoo's number hesitantly. 

"Do you wanna.." She trailed, reaching for the nob of the door. 

"Oh no I'm straight, go have fun." I looked up from my phone and gave her a fake affirmative smile. 

"Alrighty, I'll be back in the AM. Love you," She said before the door shut behind her.

I dithered for several seconds before springing off of my bed and taking a cigarette out of the pack in the second drawer on the vanity. I grabbed my phone and a lighter from my jewlery box, then exited the room.

To avoid smelling up the place, I went to the roof top. I took a strong first inhale, resulting in me coughing so hard, I was expecting a lung to make it's way out. 

I took in the scenery before me. The city lights appeared like little dots in the sky before me. The sky a sea of deep blue that made everything around it appear illuminated. 

I felt so empty, the breeze blew right through me it seemed. I inhaled again, this time more smoothly. I could feel my chest fill up,  and then I released, the smoke escaping my lips looked like a dancing cloud. After patting it out before me, I lay flat on the concrete, my arms out in both directions. My chest rose and lowered as I sighed. My eyes began to sting along with my throat, a reflection of everything that was going on triggered my emotions. Is this what being an adult feels like? I sighed some more, trying to stop myself from shedding tears. 

I was leaving in July. About two months from then. What was I going to do? Go back home and do what? I knew that I'd be so depressed I wouldn't leave the bed. Being emotional was something I wasn't used to, so as I grew emotional, I grew angry. I couldn't understand why I was so sentimental those days. Did I not understand, or was I too busy doubting the way I felt and claiming it to be strange instead accepting that it was human?

"Excuse me," the woman's sudden voice had caused me to jerk upward. I held my heart after realizing it was just one of the maids. 

"Uh, yes?" I tried to ask as politely as I could. 

She looked around confused, wondering why I was up there. 

"Someone is at the front door for you." 

I tilted my head, not expecting anyone. I pressed the home button on my phone. 

9:15 PM. 

It wasn't too late. 

I was careful not to bump into the back of anyone's chair as I made my way through the dining room and out the front door. I scanned the guesthouse's majestic setting. Little decorative lights on the water fountains, plants, garden benches, and the building itself lit it up like a fairyland. After being distracted, I spotted a figure standing in the driveway leading to the front gate. I walked slowly towards it dubiously, slowing down when they made any sudden moves. After hearing a yawn, I had an idea of who it was. 

I stood beside them casually as they scrolled through their phone, while I looked forward. 

"She's such a kid, why isn't she out here alre-"  He paused after looking to his side. His voice rang in my ears like a bell. I sighed in deep relief before embracing him swiftly with a thud. His sonorous gasp tickled my ear, I knew he was as taken aback as I was. But for once, I was going by instinct rather than thought. After some seconds his husky chuckle vibrated onto me and he rapped his arms around my back. 

"We've never really hugged like this before, you know. Is this some kind of present?" 

I mumbled in response, tucking my face deeper into his chest. 

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He told me that there was a place nearby he wanted to take me to. I didn't object. Being with him was exhilirating. 

Walking through the streets until we found a bus station consisted of genuine conversation. We happened to look into each other's eyes a lot more as we spoke and it  made me feel warm inside. You know you're close to someone when your body brushes against them at times as you walk side by side. Of course it left me electrified since that's how he made me feel as a whole. But I was glad because it was noticable progress.

We sat side by side on the bus, looking out of the same window to watch the cars go by. It was obvious that I sat so close. I didn't know what had gotten into me, but I felt glued to him. Being apart for so long, I felt like if I let him out of my sight, for even a minute, I'd lose him. 

I didn't understand how his skin still managed to glow even when the fatigue in his eyes was evident. I felt guitly for letting him take me out even though he should have been resting. But I couldn't help but become selfish when it came to him. 

The circle lensed glasses were strangely appealing with his messy hair. His black hoody oversized but fit him well. The rips in his washed out jeans revealed skin on his pale legs. I blushed at the sight.

Looking back at his face I noticed that the sun had kissed him in the right places, the melanin in his face and neck beaming.

"This is our stop," he said in English before turning to me. I stood up and darted my eyes away as the bus came to a hault. I felt itchy all over, hoping he hadn't caught me in my actions.

We talked some more as we continued the walk to our destination. The air was pleasantly warm with a cool breeze. We walked comfortably through the crowded sidewalks. Spotting clubs on every other street we came upon, I realized that we were in Hongdae.

"Why are we in Hongdae," I asked with a little laugh. "Someone is going to recognize you."

He casually shook his head. "No one usually recognizes me when I wear the glasses." 

I nodded, still unconvinced. 

Ten more minutes of walking and we ended up in a more remote part of the area where only a single club was on the street, it's music was so loud it vibrated the concrete beneath us. 

A few guys hung around the door with drinks in their hands, chattering and laughing. By the way they were dressed, I could tell it was strictly a hip-hop club. 

"A  club? We're going clubbing?" I leaned closer to whisper. 

All he did was chuckle quietly. 

The men grew silent as we approached the entrance, watching attentively. 

"A black girl huh? He's on a mission," one whispered playfully. 

"I thought they thought we had.. you know.." 

"Watch your mouth, he might hear us," the other hissed. 

"He looks way too pretty to be from around here," another finally spoke out suspiciously. "Is it an idol?" 

"He can't be. Idols aren't that stupid." 

"I thought they were all thick,"The other spoke, dissapointed. 

I gulped as we entered, relieved that we were no longer near them.

"Don't let them scare you. We're gonna be fine." He leaned close as I did him. His warm breath almost made me shutter. 

The degree change from outside to inside the club was drastic. They were no joke with their AC. 

Packed with countless bodies, the colorful lights crazily danced over them whilst they danced to the music. There were several podiums scattered around in which girls with short skirts or other revealing clothing danced ally with drinks in hand. 

I could feel the bass from the speakers vibrate my chest. A bar was placed on each side, people swarming to and away from them. 

I turned to look up at him. He appeared to be nothing but amused as his head turned right to left. I couldn't help but smile a little, looking at how bright his expression became. 

"What are you staring at?" He asked, not turning to me as we moved farther into the scene. 

I nervously laughed it off and turned away. 

"Why do you look so happy?" 

We took a seat at a table close to the bar on the left. 

"This place has improved so much since I've last been here." He spoke in a breathy tone. 

So he knows this place. 

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