I feel that you don't know me anymore. I feel that touching me now doesn't matter to you.

The fears are increasing every time. The uncertainty is growing like an ivy. And it hurts me to see that you're trying to rescue. 

What one day unified us in our souls is no longer there, even though you are here. It's time to accept the reality.

You care for me but I love you. And that's the truth.

Your presence here is killing me; To feel only half of you.

I got tired of trying and not succeeding; To make you fall in love once again.

I know you don't want to hurt me but I have to let you go. Today, I'm setting you free.

[Captain's Point Of View]

“Sometimes it hurts more to hold on than to let go.”, After everything that happened, I finally realize how true these words were.

Letting go of White was possibly the hardest decision I’ve taken but at the same time, the best decision I could’ve made. Holding onto false hope was only going to hurt me and I had to let go so I could be released from all the suffering that awaited me. Not only for my own good but for White’s sake as well. I was becoming a burden in his life and I needed to step back for him to get his peace back. We had hurt enough and it was time for both of us to learn to be away from each other. Even though it had been painful at first, I could finally breathe better now. And although he still lingered in my mind, the thought of him no longer affected me as it used to. Now that I had finally accepted that we weren’t meant to be, I could walk forward with my head held high.

To remember the words he said and all the indifference he showed me, still hurts me up to this day. But in spite of everything he said or did, I promised myself that I was not going to hold a grudge against him. Everything had been my fault, after all. I was the one that started all of this and the one that got weird thoughts first. It was my fault that he hated me and so I couldn’t hold resentment towards him. That's why I promised myself that I was going to remember White as part of a wonderful chapter of my love life. Even if he had been a one sided love affair, he was still my first love and I wanted to remember him as such. He had been the person that taught me what love was and I didn’t want to regret my feelings for him nor mourn about what didn't happen anymore. I was going to be a man and face the consequences of my actions. I was going to give myself another chance and face the world again. And most importantly, I was going to move on from him and start anew.

Suddenly, the chirping of the birds mix with the buzzing sound of the busy street, making me return to reality. I look out the window of the car and watch the passing scenery. People around me are living their lives, trying to be happy, and so I am also going to do that. I am going to look for my happiness and stop hurting in vain. Today is a new day and one of the best days in so long. For the first time in a long time, I felt relaxed, relieved and contented with myself. There was also a new feeling of proudness inside of me for the decision I had made. Everything that happened had helped me mature and taught me a lesson. The frustration, the sadness, the guiltiness, the rejection and the acceptance had added spices to the experiences I had gained. There’s a saying that says “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Well, I could finally say that it was true. With everything that I had learned, I felt ready to face my next failure and accept whatever the future would bring me. 

As I look out of the window, my heart feels so relax and calm. I can finally appreciate the day without thoughts tormenting my mind. It’s quite a warm feeling that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I don’t want this feeling to stop. I want to continue feeling this way. I want to be at peace from now and on. Slowly, I close my eyes and let my entire body become one with the surrounding outside. I continue to let my mind drift making my body becoming more and more relax. I’m about to fall asleep when buzzing sound of my phone breaks through my half-conscious state. I am feeling a little too relax right now that I don’t really want to answer any call at this moment. I’m on my way home after a tiring day of shopping and I don’t want to do anything at all. All I want to do is relax, can’t they see? But of course, the phone keeps on irritating me with its ringtone song. 

“Aren’t you planning to answer that?”, My mother turns to look at me, with an annoyed look. Nodding my head slowly, I reluctantly bring my cellphone out of my pocket to look at the screen. Oh my god! It’s white’s mother, Mama Ying. Is there something wrong with White?! Captain, if there was something wrong with him, why would it matter?! You're done with him, remember?! Done! DONE! Now my heart is pounding quickly inside my chest as I contemplate on whether answering is a good idea. Should I answer or should I ignore it? Argh?! What if it’s something important though? WHAT IF HE DIED?! OH MY ING GOD NO! CALM DOWN, CAPTAIN! I tell myself as I feel the blood in veins freeze and stop circulating.

"Who is it?", My mother notices my nervousness and asks me worriedly, making me turn to look at her with a terrified expression. "No one important!", I laugh awkwardly to hide the fact that I'm having a heart attack but I can see how pale I've become through the review mirror. "Then, why aren't you answering?! Answer!", She orders me with annoyance evident in her voice, making me look down at my phone once again. You're pathetic! Why are you becoming like this?! Answer the call, damn it! My mind screams at me, pushing me to click the green button to answer the call.

“Good morning, Mama Ying! Sorry I was not able to answer the call quickly. I was in the middle of a nap. How are you?”, I excuse myself for making her wait and see my mother roll her eyes through the review mirror at my reply. I seriously hope that my mother won't ask any questions once I finish this call but knowing her, she will have a full list of questions for me to answer.

“I am fine, Captain. How are you getting along? Is it tough to struggle between work and your studies?", She replies to me but I am sensing something is not right. “I am great. It is a little tough but I can manage it. It has been a while since we last talk. How’s everyone at home?”, I don’t want to push her but at the same time I wanted to know the real reason she is calling me at this hour. 

“Good to hear you are doing great. And you are right. We haven’t able to talk that often. Everyone is doing fine except….”, She sounded a little down and unable to utter the last sentence. The agony of waiting for an adult to complete their sentences is killing me. I don’t want to sound rude but waiting is not something I am good at. Plus, the fact that this involves White makes it harder.

“Are you fighting with White, Captain?”, She suddenly asks me the very question that I want to escape. How should I answer her? Should I tell her the truth? I can’t afford to be hated by another person anymore. White already felt disgusted by me; I didn't want his whole family to disregard me. “No mama Ying. I don’t think we are fighting. Not that I know of. Why do you think that way? Did White say anything about us fighting? ” I ask her calmly as I ignore the curious glances that my mother is throwing me every once and then.

“No, No, It is just my opinion. White didn’t say anything too. It's just that lately, he has changed so much. He doesn't eat much and doesn't talk much. He is always locked up inside his room. I don't see him smile that often and he always looks distracted. He said that nothing is wrong and yet, he continues to lock himself in his room day and night. I am very concerned about him, Captain. You are one of his best friends. You are like a brother to him. Can you talk to him and ask him what’s the matter? I don't want him to fall sick.", Mama Ying explains to me, making me feel guilty. I have the feeling that this might be related to me. Was he affected by what happened? He didn't show interest towards me and my feelings. I don't think he has any feeling towards me at all. So what is happening to him? Did Tina did something to him? I know that Tina wouldn’t mind doing whatever she felt necessary just to make sure she wins. Well, I know now what a she can become. I just hope she won’t cause trouble to White and make White’s life miserable. 

“Don’t worry mom. I will go and see him. I think you don’t have to worry. Everything is going to be alright. I promise you.”, Even if I am not sure whether I can keep that promise but I need to reassure Mama Ying that I will do whatever its take to make White smile and happy again. “Alright. I’ll see you there. Goodbye.”, I bid farewell and hang up on the phone, getting my mother to look at me with a raised eyebrow. 

“And so? What did she say?”, My mother finally asks me as she realizes that I'm not planning to take the initiative. "White isn't feeling very well and his mother requested me to go and cheer him up.", I explain to her and internally pray for her to agree without digging deeper into the issue. "Oh, really? Why you though? Doesn't White have closer friends? What about his girlfriend?", But of course, my mother isn't the one that let go of things very easily. "I don't know. But, can you take me right now?", I ask her and await for her to agree.

 After a few seconds, she finally lets out a sigh and turns the car around into a different direction. “Alright, but only for a few hours.”, She tells me as she begins driving towards White’s direction. I don’t really know whether this is a good idea, but if it’s for White’s happiness, I can do anything. Even if it’s just like a friend, I want to be there for him and show him support.

[Tina's Point Of View]

When I opened my eyes, I was greeted by the face of my now fiance, tired but handsome nonetheless. I simply watched him in awe, his chest moving up and down as he continued in his deep slumber. I could still see the traces of tears in his eyes, reminding me of what happened just a moment ago. After I accepted my boyfriend's proposal, we had both cried our eyes out albeit for different reasons. I don't know for how long we cried together but doing so had rendered both of us tried and we had fallen asleep, still tangled in each other's embrace. White had his head resting on my chest, cuddled like a child seeking for comfort from his mother. Just looking at him made my heart feel burdened as I knew what had made him like this.

One would say that when a woman gets a proposal from the man of her dreams, she should feel ecstatic beyond words. That her happiness would be soaring beyond cloud nine and that her anticipation would be overwhelming. But right now, my feelings are far from those. And yes, I did feel a tinge of happiness knowing that White wanted to marry me. Knowing that he was finally going to be all mine. But that happiness was quickly doused off when realization hit me. He wasn't marrying me out of love but out of gratitude. And the moment I accepted his proposal was the very moment that I accepted, that even before this battle began, I had already lost. 

White loves me, I know that for sure. But he is no longer in love with me. He hasn’t been in love in this past weeks. I was so blinded by my own love that I refused to see it before. And as I refused to see it, White has been suffering with guilt. And after what I did, I know that Captain is someone who hasn’t been spared from the hurt either. But now, I have chosen to remove the veil that was covering my eyes. My previous actions only added to the pain that we were all hurting from, but now I’ll do anything to somehow sort things out.

Slowly, I lifted White from my body and carefully placed him on his side. He stirred from his sleep, making me hold my breath wishing that he remains asleep as I didn’t want him to see me right now. I was in the midst of a vulnerable moment and I didn’t want to concern him any longer. I knew that if he looks at me with so much gentleness as he usually does, all my resolve would crumble down and it might make me want to be selfish and hold on to him again. 

As soon as I was sure my boyfriend was back to sleep, I slowly moved off of the bed. Tucking him under the blankets, I allowed myself to watch him, taking in the sight of him as much as I can. “I love you.”, I whispered. “I love you so much that I want to hold on to you tightly.”, A tear fell and landed on the floor. “But I love you enough to want your happiness more than anything, even if that means giving up my own.”, I lastly said as I wiped off my tears and turned around.

Exiting his room, I quickly made my way downstairs. I’m glad that White’s mom is in her room, as I don’t want to face her. I don’t think I can handle being questioned about the reason why I had bloodshot eyes in this moment. 

Without looking up, I pulled the gate open only to almost lose my balance as I bumped into someone. “Oh?! P’Tina?!”, I heard that voice that I still didn’t want to face call my name in concern. “Are you alright?”, Raising my head to look at him, I see Captain looking at me with worried eyes. I simply nodded at him and took a few steps forward, leaving him with concern.  

Then I stopped in my track, remembering something.

No, I can’t let this opportunity pass.

I still have something to tell him.

Just as Captain tore his gaze away from me to make a move forward, I called for him, “Captain?!”

“Yes, P?”, He looked at me with concern. Please don’t look at me like that. It’s only making it harder as I don’t deserve it. “Can we talk for a while?”, I ask him as I bring out a hand. He looks hesitant and I understand. The last time I asked him to talk didn’t really end well, after all.  “Okay, P.”, He said after a while as he took the hand that I had held out to him. I will hold on to White’s hand until I’m sure that these hands I’m holding right now are ready to entwine with his again.

Slowly, I guide him to the front yard that’s outside White’s house. After seating on the green grass under a tree, I signal him to seat next to me. Hesitantly, he follows my command and seats down next to me. I still don’t know how to say what I want to tell him as I still haven’t organized my thoughts. He, on the other hand, seems nervous overall and remains silent. He’s probably regretting agreeing to talk to the person who made everything so complicated.

“How have you been?”, I wanted to smack myself for asking as it was a little incensible. If White was suffering, I couldn’t imagine how much Captain was. “Uh.. I’m fine, P.”, He stated but to my ears, it sounded more like a question. “That’s good to hear.”, I pretend that I do believe him as I didn’t want to contradict him. Another moment of uncomfortable silence hovered us. And I understand that this is all my fault. Being White's girlfriend didn't give me the right to step over my boundaries and yet, I had done just that. I could have.. I should have handled the truth better than I did. But what’s done was done and I had to face the consequences. Life does not have an undo button that you can press when you make a mistake. What it gives you is a chance to make a mistake and learn from it. If you’re lucky, you also get a chance to redeem yourself.

“You were going to visit him?”, Captain was startled when I broke the silence again with a question. I didn’t need to mention the name for him to know exactly who I’m talking about. Without looking at me, he nod his head softly before finally speaking, “I heard he’s not feeling well, so I thought I should give him a visit. But if it bothers you, I..”

“You still worry about him, huh?”, I interrupt him and give him a faint smile to let him know that I’m alright. Captain, in the short period of time that I have known him, has always been like an open book. He’s someone who is easy to read. Whether he’s happy, tired, sad or upset, it’s not hard to know what he’s feeling. Of course, he sometimes needs to seal his real emotions considering his work as an actor but just like White, his eyes are also very honest. Letting out a sigh, he finally responds, “It’s hard not to.”

“He misses you, you know.”, Pushing those words out of my lips was hard. With what I’m doing, I’m practically pushing Captain and White back together. It pains me to picture them together, but imagining White in pain scares me more.

A forced chuckle was let out by the young man sitting beside me. “I doubt it. He hates me.”, Captain’s voice sounded so defeated, like he had completely given up. “You know that’s not true. I’m sure he might have said some.. things but you should know him better to take his words to heart.”, I try to cheer him up by palming his shoulder.

“P’, That’s exactly what I wanted to believe. I held my heart open to him, for him to know my feelings knowing full well that he wouldn’t accept them. I wasn’t even hoping for him to do so. I knew that he was straight and that it was impossible for him to like me back. All I asked for was for him to try to understand me and to not cast me away.. but.. I disgust him and he, he hates me..”, He tells me with a pained expression and I felt ashamed of myself. Captain shouldn’t be hurting like this. I shouldn’t have hurt him like this.

Reaching out, I hugged Captain. “I’m so sorry, Captain. All of this is my fault. I’m so sorry.”, Apologies can be asked, forgiveness can be given but the remains of the pain caused will always be there, I know that. But at least, I want him to know that I’m sorry for all the harm that I've caused for my selfishness.

“Listen to me.”, I pulled away from the hug. “White loves you greatly.”, I tell him and watch as his eyes widen before he looks at me in disbelief.  “White regrets hurting you. He hates himself for it. He said that it was because of him that you don’t want to be friends anymore. Captain, he loves you more than he dares to admit. So please, give him a chance.”, I continue convincing, hurting myself even more in the process.

“P’, Please stop! You’re only hurting me!”, He pleaded me as he covered his ears with his hands and shook his head.

“I know it’s hard to believe but listen to me, Captain!”, I screamed at him as I grab to his hands and force him to look at me. “White’s not feeling well because he terribly misses you! I know, this was all my doing and I don’t know just how much damage I have caused but if it’s not too late yet, I want to ask you a favor. Please be friends with him again!”, I watch as Captain stares at me without saying a word, seemingly feeling lost as to why the girlfriend of the man he loves, the very same person who forced him to confess is now asking him to get close to her boyfriend again. I’m also still lost as to why I’m doing this but I’m decided. No matter how crazy I might seem to him right now, I will do everything to sort everything out. Evene if that means, I have to get out of the picture.

[Author's Notes]

Hello, everyone! This is Aleyda here! This is another chapter of the story. Again, this whole arc is getting too big ha ha. But chapter 19 will be the start of a new one :) For those who have been asking to get someone to make White jealous, you might be happy in the next arc haha.

PS: On another note, sadly this might be Vannessa's last pov as Tina as she said she no longer can work with us. So lets give a special thanks to her for helping us up to this point with her great writing! It's been a pleasure to be working with you! Thank you so much and I hope one day you can come back to writing with us!