​Time, I noted, was merciless. I don’t quite know why everyone expects it to slow for them, lingering behind to match their slow, limping pace. It moved on without you, whether you wanted it or not. I could feel the dead seconds ticking as I gaped up at the dark silhouette in front of me. 

The tranquility of it all felt wrong. Slumber-some houses outside kept at their latent state, sleepy windowsills fluttered shut. Snow still fell to the ground, landing with but a whisper. All this whilst my heart raced on without me. My lungs felt as if they would combust any second, leaving nothing but ashes in an empty set of hallow ribs.

“Jongdae…” His name slipped past my lips before I could stop it. My voice sounded foreign to me as it echoed throughout the dead winter air. Quaking everything and nothing at all.

He was here.

Jongdae. My Jongdae.

Though, different.

Jongdae took a deep breath before he spoke. “Kaden, I-” His eyes met mine in a way that sent chills down my spine.

No, this Jongdae was definitely different from my Jongdae. My Jongdae was always overflowing with life. Pure, beautiful life. His cat-like lips always curled at the edges, forming only the most genuine smile. Warms eyes that always made my knees weak and my heart flutter. Always.

This Jongdae appeared plagued with a fatigue that drooped his shoulders and hallowed his cheeks. Bits of snow were entangled within his dark locks. Purples and blues blossomed underneath bloodshot eyes. His face was ashen, devoid of color except a crimson-tainted nose.

Where was my Jongdae?

Another shaky breath. “There is so many things I need to explain to you. So many things I need to say sorry for.” His eyes trailed to my lips, his hand now caressing the side of my face. The skin underneath his fingertips felt icy suddenly.

And then he kissed me. My senses were overwhelmed. His lips moved against mine just as they always did but something felt deathly wrong. My stomach churned with it. I kept expecting the same rush of warmth I got every time I kissed him but it just wasn’t there. I pushed deeper into the kiss, desperate to find it.

I’m not sure who pulled away first, but suddenly I was gasping for breath, my forehead pressed against Jongdae’s, our frosted breaths mingling.

Though his face was mostly shrouded by shadows, I could see the blush creep up his cheeks. He didn’t look at me as he said, “I’m s-sorry. I-I shouldn’t have d-done that.”

He was all trembling lips and chattering teeth as he spoke. The culprit being winter’s bite, seeping into his bones, or at least I wanted to believe that. I took notice of his snow-flecked jacket, of his faded blue pick-up truck in the driveway, it too adorning a layer of snow. My curiosity peaked.

“How long have you been waiting out here?” I tried to sound nonchalant, confident even, but my voice quivered. I tucked my trembling hands behind my back.

Jongdae seemed thrown off by the question. “W-what?”

“Your jacket. Snow doesn’t collect that fast. Plus, your nose always gets red when you are outside for too long.” I practically whispered the last. The fact seemed almost too intimate to say.

He glanced down at his jacket, as if barely noticing the white snow stark against the black fabric of his sweatshirt. “Ah…that.” He scratched the back of his neck.

I waved a hand. “It’s fine. Just…” I glanced behind me, contemplating if I should really be doing this. “Just come inside. I’m going to boil you some tea.”

I didn’t bother looking up at him again, nor did I bother waiting for a response as I my heel, already taking long strides towards the living room. Lingering in the hallway only long enough to see if he was going to follow. Jongdae kept a respectful distance between us, which filled me with relief as I didn’t know how long I could last having him so close to me.

I tried my best to disregard how cold the kitchen was, aggravating similar to the freezing hallway. My flimsy blue socks did nothing against the cool tile beneath me. It certainly didn’t help that I was standing in only my checkered red boxer briefs and a faded batman shirt. Actually, I’m pretty sure this is his faded batman shirt. A blush creeped up on my cheeks at the thought.

I reached for the top shelf, where all the pots and pans were kept. My fingertips brushed against the cool metal handle, just out of my grasp. I cursed under my breath. I tried to tip-toe, desperately padding around as much as I could to at least get some type of grip on the damned pot. Yet, of course, my attempts failed.

“Need help?” Jongdae’s voice was suddenly at my ear. His warm body was now pressed against my back as his outstretched hand reached past me and easily clamped down on the pot’s handle. I couldn’t see his face but I knew he had to be smirking. I didn’t dare move. I didn’t dare breath.

“Always too short, no?” His loud laughter erupted the heavy silence that had been following us since the moment I opened that door. Hearing his familiar laugh so close brought a type of unwanted comfort, a laugh that put me both at ease and on the edge.

My fists clenched at my side. Get it together, Kaden. But God, was he close. I could smell his cologne and the way his body pressed against mine just a few moments ago…

Damn him. Damn him and his stupid cologne and stupid smile.

I jammed an elbow into his stomach, desperate to get out of this almost spooning position. “You aren’t that tall either, Kimmy.”

I snatched the pot from where he had set it down and began to turn on the stove when I took note of the sudden silence. “What no snarky response? I’m surpri-“

My voice faltered in my throat as I turned to face him. He appeared to be…at the brick of tears. His eyes were wide, luminous with a child-like wonder. There was so much rare emotion in just one single stare that I once again lost my ability to breathe properly.

Noticing my startled expression he tried to give me a wobbling half smile. He dragged his sleeve across his eyes. “Ah it is nothing. I just-” Pause, “I just never thought I would be able to hear you call me that again. Kimmy, that is. I was a bit...shocked. I guess.” A nervous laughter bubbled on his lips.

Heat burned through my cheeks. I hadn’t realized I called him that. I was so used to it, it just came out.

I coughed, suddenly desperate to get as far away from him as possible. “Go sit near the fireplace. You are going to catch a cold. I will just bring the tea to you.” I kept my eyes on the white kitchen tiles.

I didn’t move till I heard his receding footsteps. Only then did I let myself release the shaky breath I had been holding in. I waiting till my heartbeat slowly returned to normal to start actually preparing the tea.  

It wasn’t long before I was done. I almost felt dread once it was ready. I tried to shove down all my insecure and scared thoughts and ever-so-slowly made my way to the living room.

As promised, Jongdae was sitting crosses legged next to the fire, palms outstretched, fingers splayed. The fire illuminated his facial features, highlighting his already prominent cheekbones. His messy hair fell carelessly across his forehead. His jacket was folded neatly besides him, leaving him in just a thin white shirt, his thin collarbones protruding from his collar. Though Jongdae had certainly seen better days, he still managed to steal my breath and make my heart race. It infuriating how utterly beautiful he looked just sitting there.

I walked over to where he was, placing the steaming mug neatly besides him. He welcomed with warm eyes and a soft smile.

“Thank you.” He grabbed the mug between his palms, blowing at it a couple times before taking the first sip. “You really didn’t have to do this.”

I didn’t speak, I didn’t think I could, so I just offered a simple nod as a response.

Reluctantly, I neared the fireplace, letting its warmth envelope me. I watched silently as it flames the fireplace’s walls. I tried to find reassurance in its once calming song now it was just another melody my ears had learned to dull out.

A numbing silence fell over us. The only sounds were the fire’s coughs and sputters, Jongdae sipping his tea mindfully, my foot anxiously tapping against the ash-dusted wood, my socks no longer blue but rather coated grey.

“Jongdae…why are you here?” It was the question that had been looming above our heads all night.

His eyes turned serious and he set the mug down. “I needed to…explain.”

“Explain what, Jongdae?” The question came out sharper than intended. “Nothing needs explaining.” Everything needed explaining.

“Yes they do. And I think you know that, too.” He was standing now, staring at me intently, stern.

My knees felt weak, but I went on. “Jongdae, you just left me after three years of being together. I might have been fine if you had told me directly but I guess I don’t even deserve that. A stupid note would be enough for me wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t it?” The words blossomed on my lips before I could stop them.

Hurt flashed across Jongdae’s face. His lips parted to say something, but I pressed on.

“You really thought that would work? I was a mess! And you didn’t seem to care at all!” My voice kept rising as I went on. I was shaking now.

“I do care. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t be here!” Jongdae ran his fingers through his hair, frustrated.

“I know I messed up I know. But please just calm down and let me say what I have to say. You can decide what to do with me once I’m done.” His gaze was patient, hopeful.

He reached for my hand, interlacing his fingers with mine. “Okay?” His tone was sweet, loving even.

And that’s went I lost it.

“Don’t touch me.” My voice was harsh, bitter even, as I violently ripped my hand from his, pushing him away from me with one strong shove.

A whimper immediately escaped from Jongdae’s lips as my hands made contact with his chest. His whole face was twisted with pain. I dropped my hands immediately.

“A-are you okay?” Even as I said it, I knew the answer was a blatant no.

Jongdae had dropped to the floor, palms pressed against the floor. He was wheezing, hard.

Just as fast, I dropped to my knees next to him. “Jongdae, what happened?”

He looked up at me, and as much as he tried to hide it, I could tell he was in a lot of pain. “There is something you need to see. My shirt…take it off.” He spoke between shallow breaths.

“I-what?” My voice squeaked up. Heat rushed to my cheeks.

“My shirt. Take it off.” His strong gaze quickly shut me up. I nodded, worried now.

He raised his arms, but not without another whimper of pain. I tugged the shirt over his head, the act feeling too familiar. My blush only deepened at the thought.

Though, that embarrassment soon faded as I got to actually see what was underneath his shirt.

Running from his left hip bone all the way to just above his right collarbone, bruises blossomed across his skin. They were still red around the edges. Fresh. A chill ran down my spine. From fear at first, then white hot anger.

“Who did this to you!?” I extended a shaky hand, gingerly caressing the edge of one right above his heart. I locked eyes with him, fury blazing through me.

“My…father.” He came to a sudden halt as he always did regarding his father.

“When?” I asked softly.

“A few days ago? My memory is a bit…distorted.” So he had been drinking.

“I need to explain from the beginning. It started a few months ago. No, just a few weeks really. He called me. He asked about you. About us.” He tried to give me a shaky smile.

“I don’t think he is quite accepting of us. Not yet, that is. But I thought he was improving. I though…he was trying, at least. It made me hopeful, optimistic even. That is, until he started interrogating me on the more serious questions. Life questions.” He paused at that.

“He asked if I would even be able to provide for you, for any kids you wanted to have. He asked if I would even be a good husband, a good father. He told me that you deserved better than some lousy like me. He told me you wouldn’t want me anymore once you realized how useless and pathetic I was. And…I believed it.”

He tried to inhale deeply, but the breath was broken up into short gasps of air. Talking alone was hurting. Guilt flashed through me.

“I started doubting myself. I started noticing all these little small things I knew I could do better. I start realizing at maybe I really wasn’t the one for you. Maybe I really wasn’t the person you thought I was. I thought you deserved better.”

“Deserve?” My voice seemed to slice through the air, awkward in the melody that was his smooth voice alongside the crackling fire. Too high, too anxious.

“Jongdae, I don’t-”

“Please, Kaden. Let me finish.” He seemed so tired. The burden he carried so lightly on his shoulders seem to weigh down on him more than ever right now.

All he got for a response was a meek dip of my head. I didn’t trust myself to speak by this point. I was too scared my voice would start shaking like before.

“I went to his house first. Don’t know exactly why. I arrived and told him what happened. Told him I thought he was right and that I needed somewhere to stay. He was the happiest I had ever seen him. He thought I left because I had ‘finally realized I was straight’. Got a bit mad when I told him I was for sure not.” A dry laugh escaped him at that.

“I went to see him right after I left. Don’t know exactly why. I missed my family, I guess. Maybe not exactly him, but my family. I mean, actually missed him. I thought maybe he would take me back if I just said sorry. But I was wrong. So utterly wrong. I can’t believe it took me this long to realize he didn’t care at all. I lashed out on him, telling him that he was a father and all that good stuff. He got a bit mad.” A dry laugh.

“My mom is probably the reason I’m not dead. She shoved him off me before he did too much damage. She helped me get into my car and told me go as far as I could. Told me she loved me.” He smiled at that, a real smile.

“I arrived at Kyungsoo’s house about an hour later. He wanted to take me to the hospital but I didn’t let him. Instead I slept for two days straight, waking up only when I had to eat the food Kyungsoo forcefully shoved down my throat. Actually, he is the reason I’m here. After I told him everything that happened he slapped me and told me to stop being a coward and come talk to you.” He rubbed his cheek subconsciously. “I needed it though.”

And I laughed. A real genuine laugh. Something I hadn’t done in days. One that vibrated throughout my whole body and clenched my stomach. I put a hand over my mouth, trying to stifle the sudden outburst.

Jongdae’s eyes went wide for a few seconds before cracking a smile of his own. From that, it ascended into a small gentle laughter, one that lifted his eyes and brought out his cat-like smile. Within moments, Jongdae was laughing as hard and loud as me. Our laughers filled up all the quiet and dark pockets within the room. It consumed us both, enveloping us in a comforting blanket of pure joy. A type of joy no one could ever steal from us. It was in those moment with him, that I truly knew happiness.

“You are a complete idiot. You know?” I teased between giggles.

“I know.” His gaze was loving as he promptly wrapped me in a warm embrace. A simple hug to another passing by, but not for us. This was where we always ended up, no matter what. His chin rested on top of my head. My face buried in his shoulder. His arms wrapped around my middle and mine around his neck. We waddled a little in that position, neither of us wanting to let go quite yet.

“I’m sorry. I never should have left. It was stupid and I didn’t think it through. I was insecure and selfish. I want you back, Kaden.” I could feel Jongdae’s heart pounding against his chest through his thin shirt pressed so tightly against mine.

“I can’t live without you. And I realized that. Every time I see you I realize it more and more. You make me a complete mess and I love that. I love you.”

“You make me a mess, too.” My eyes stung from the tears threatening to spill. My hand reached to caress the side of his face. He leaned into my touch, his hand cupping mine. 

“I need you, Kaden.”

Within moments, our lips were locked together. The kiss nearly overwhelmed me, brewing with passion and hunger and need. He led me to the couch, where we messily tumbled onto. His hands pinned my hips deep into the couch. His fingers tugged at the hem of my shirt, asking me to take it off. I obeyed and it was off only moments later.

His sultry gaze trailed down my chest, causing my cheeks to redden. I curled my fingers around the nape of his neck, bringing him closer to me. His breath was hot as he began trailing his lips down my neck, biting down at the tender skin just above my collarbone. A moan escaped my mouth and my legs wrapped around his waist tighter.

This is where I belonged. This is where we belonged. Together, bodies intertwined. Lips tumbling over one another’s. Souls dancing together to a dance only we knew.

In between kisses, I felt Jongdae suddenly go stiff.

“Is something wrong?” My voice was soft next to his ear, arms still looped around his neck.

“I-.” His voice trembled and his eyes shown in the firelight. Jongdae adjusted himself so his body was no longer hovering above me but rather sat up right between my legs.

I pulled myself up by my elbows, gazing at him with curiosity.

I let my eyes trail down his torso, examining his bruises, they seemed so much darker and alarming up close. Something churned in my stomach. I averted my eyes. I rested my eyes on Jongdae’s loving face instead.

“I don’t deserve this.” There was suddenly a tremor in his shoulders and he refused to look me in the eyes

“Jongdae? Are you crying again?” I lifted his chin with a finger. As I had predicted, tears streaked his cheeks. My heart accelerated. God, how I hated seeing him cry.

“I’m missed you.” He choked out, his tears only seemed to stream down harder. He buried his head in my chest, mumbling incoherent words against my skin.

 “It’s okay. You’re okay. We’re okay.” I kissed the top of his head, my arms tightening around him.

His trembling ceased and he finally looked up at me again. “I love you, Kaden.”

“I love you, too, you dork.”

A playful smile tugged at his lips, causing me to smile broadly back. I had missed his smile.

I slowly got up from off the couch and extended a hand for Jongdae. “Come on. Let’s go to bed.”

Jongdae rubbed at his eyes before giving me a simple nod. “Okay.” He added softly as he reached for my hand.

Sleeping there in bed with him felt so right. There was simply no other way to describe it. Our bodies molded perfectly together. I rested my forehead against his chest, feeling his heartbeat against my cheek. I tucked my knees close to my chest, so now my whole body was curled up next to him. On almost instinct, his arm draped itself across me, bringing me even closer into his safe embrace. He kissed the top of my head before resting his chin on it. His fingertips were hot as they ran up and down my back. A habit he developed to help me fall asleep.

“Jongdae?”

“Yes?” He murmured into my hair.

“It’s Sunday tomorrow.” I pulled away from his embrace just enough to look at him.

At that, a twinkle appeared in his eyes. “Sunday pancakes?”

“Sunday pancakes.” A brilliant smile crackled across my face.

“Chef Jongdae will make the best pancakes ever tomorrow. I promise.”

“Sure.”

“I will!”

I shut him up with a quick peck on the lips. Yet, Jongdae being Jongdae would have absolutely none of it and returned to my lips for a more passionate and deeper second. The kiss, as did each one he gave, left me flustered.

“Go to sleep already.” I whined.

And slowly, but surely, he did. I watched as his breathing steadied to a slow harmonious beat. A loose lock of hair curled around his temple. His features relaxed and his lips set into a soft sleepy smile. His fingers curled around the bedsheets, crinkling them underneath his palms. A sleeping habit of his I so fondly adored.

Right when I had thought he was sound asleep, he spoke one last thing before the sleep took him. Four words that had me glowing in the dim moonlight. Four words that would always keep me grounded no matter what type of calamity I might face. A simple phrase, but it held more meaning than any other.

“I love you, Kaden.”