December, 18th 2015.

Inevitably I wake up and
Check the phone next to my head
I take a deep breath and
For a while try to recall
What happened the night before
Then I take another deep breath

I didn’t count how many days have you left me alone in here. I remembered you’re going home after all your parties. You stopped by the studio, where I usually buried myself when I didn’t know where to go. You slightly nodded your head to me and tried to say something to me. I was about to smile, but your manager called you and said that you had another meetings to do.

It’s supposed to be our holiday.

But these all a torture-day.

I woke up at the apartment alone. Ai was me and then I moved Ai to sleep beside me. It’s the first time I woke up without a bizarre headache. My right hand searched for my phone.

No message.

I inhaled and exhaled. I blinked my eyes, hoping that with every blink there would be a message from you, even it’s only ‘Hyung’. That’s all I needed, Maknae. I scrolled down my Instagram and saw all your updates with Daesung. Was it nice? Was it nice without me, Seunghyun-ah?

We lived under the same sky, but why did it seem that we lived under different world to me?

I walked to the bathroom and took a shower. I thought that I would go to the studio again.

This loneliness suffocated me.

I can only remember saying I miss you
And calling out the name that caused me pain

“I miss him, Bae. I miss him.” That’s what I remembered before I passed out another night. Bae let me draped out my left hand to him. I hit my chest, where my heart was at.

“Bae, I miss him so much.”

“I know Ji, I know.”

“Seunghyun, my little Seunghyun-ah, Bae. Why didn’t he come here and see me? Why did he always go somewhere leaving me alone, Bae?”
Bae didn’t say anything.

I also remembered that I cried out that night while calling your name over and over again. Hoping that at some point, the endless chant of your name would bring you back here to my arms, bring you back into my warm embrace.

An embrace that would give me back my sanity.

But you didn’t come back.

If only I could clean out my heart
Including every dust of memories with you
You’re like a severe addiction

I didn’t think I could live another day without you. Even though I have met up with my friends and laughed at day, I still needed you to fill the gap in my h