Himchan stared lifelessly at his bleeding arm, feeling relieved at the pain. He just couldn't resist the urge to see the crimson red blood against his porcelain white skin. "Himchan ah! You done in there? We have to go to the broadcast station now!" Yongguk's deep voice called out for him. "Yes..." he replied weakly, while keeping his razor hurriedly, washing his fresh wounds and pulling down his sleeves, destroying all evidence of his earlier activity. He rushed out of the bathroom with a weak smile and walked to the van. Yongguk stared at the retreating figure worriedly. Recently, the visual had not been eating well nor had he been sleeping well, dark eye bags clearly seen. Whenever the members asked if the visual was okay, he would reply with a weak smile and nod, unlike his usual diva self. It is true that Himchan had gained weight during the hiatus, but to Yongguk, the visual looked healthier now, compared to last time. Now, Himchan keeps talking about losing weight although he looks perfectly fine. Yongguk had barely dragged Himchan out of his anorexia last time, but now, he isn't sure if he could again. Though Himchan seemed happy and cheerful during broadcasts, he immediately turned quiet and withdrawn after the director yelled "Cut!"
"YONGGUK AH! WHAT'S TAKING YOU SO LONG?" A loud shout by their manager snapped him out of his worries and he quickly scampered to the van.
Himchan had his earphones on during the whole ride, something unusual for the other members to see. Their umma figure would usually get them to talk and liven the atmosphere, but recently he had withdrawn to himself and barely talked other than during broadcasts. The vocal line stared at their used to be diva hyung. During broadcasts, the members were obviously just joking and not really meaning what they say. Did their hyung really take those words to heart?
The maknae line were also troubled, despite looking nonchalant about everything and even starting to chan on broadcasts, they hoped that their hyung didn't take those words to heart because to the whole of B.A.P, Himchan was flawless. Sure, he might be naggy and overbearing at times but he sincerely cared for them like how their mother would. Having Himchan around felt like having their mother around, he was the other motherly figure in their lives, always being able to go to him when in need or troubled.
Even when they had reached the venue, Himchan didn't take off his earphones until the rehearsal, which also worried the fans who were there. Their usually bright and cheerful visual looked haggard and pale, looking very sickly.
Yongguk stared worriedly at his friend's frail figure, watching his every move as if he'll break any moment. Himchan felt the obvious gaze on him and turned, giving Yongguk one of his practiced smiles before turning back again. Yongguk could easily see through the other's fake smile and became more worried.
The recording had finished smoothly with one take, everyone sighed, relieved to be able to get back home and rest. During the ride back to the dorms, again, Himchan was plugged into his earphones, gazing outside emotionlessly. Yongguk was frightened the the sight of his lover's eyes. It was fully devoid of emotion, just plain black orbs staring back at him. His usual twinkle in the eyes gone and usual bright smile replaced with a haggard, tired stoic face.
Finally back at the dorms, Himchan immediately left the van and rushed into the toilet. The rest of the members watched their usually cheerful member with worry etched onto their faces.
Himchan thought out loud to himself as he dragged the razor over his pale skin"I wonder if....anyone would even miss me when i'm gone, or even mourn for me. I guess not right? I'm such a pathetic and useless person to the group. My vocals aren't that good....my visuals have also disappeared when i gained weight....and the members are always calling me naggy and a pain in the ... and" A deep shaky voice interrupted "You're beautiful Channie, don't ever say you aren't. You are the most perfect person i know. What would the group do without you? The group would crumble, and mourn for you, especially me, Himchan ah...why would you ever think that way? You know that the members are just joking when they complain about you....don't let anti fans get into your head either, you're perfect, you hear me? Perfect." Yongguk wrapped his arms tightly over his now shaking lover, letting Himchan sob into his shirt and the latter's back soothingly, while trying not to break down as well. He never thought that Himchan would have those thoughts in his head, haunting him throughout the day. "*hic* i'm sorry gukkie, for doing this and for worrying all the members, i promise not to do this ever again...." the doll like male looked up and said softly. "Stop apologising Himchan ah....this isn't your fault. You just needed someone to talk to. I'm always here for you Channie, don't forget that." Yongguk slowly released his grasp on the frail male and cleaned up his wound softly while muttering loving words at his lover. He gently picked up Himchan bridal style and tucked him into bed, the latter having been too tired from all the crying and had fallen asleep. He caressed his face lightly before heading out of their shared room to tell the members of what happened. The members looked down guiltily after hearing what Yongguk said. They never thought that their words would have such a great impact on the mother figure of the group. "I'm sorry yongguk hyung..." Youngjae said, feeling very apologetic about his words now. The other three members nodded in agreement and muttered their own apologies. "I forgive you all. But the apology isn't supposed to be for me, it's for Himchan." The younger members nodded their heads solemnly, looking sincere about wanting to apologise this instant. "But don't do that now, Himchan is sleeping, you guys go shower and sleep, you can apologise to Himchanie tomorrow okay?" Yongguk said gently. The four nodded and went to their respective rooms, looking very distraught that their seemingly harmless words would affect their hyung like that himself . Yongguk sighed before doing the same and cuddling next to Himchan, whispering softly "Goodnight Channie, i'm so sorry for not noticing earlier as well....i'm so sorry...sweet dreams my love." before drifting into sleep himself.

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I at endings and descriptions sorry

I feel so bad for making himchan suffer :'( but i wanted to get the message across that we shouldn't force our idols to something they don't wish to do nor should we put them down by telling them to lose more weight and such. Sorry for the long rant here. I really hope fans would stop doing such things and appreciate their idols for who they are. :)) hope you enjoyed the story! Comments are greatly welcomed. I won't say subscribers since it's just a oneshot :') but if you wish to do so i'll be totally happy :)) 

 And btw the self insulting thoughts that himchan had here were some that I saw were posted online before, not by me 😞