February 2007,

I remember vaguely that I was in the white room again but this time, my consciousness was slipping, my heartbeat failing me- I was about to die. The doctors were pressing commands to each other to keep me alive because for whatever reason they have, it was still possible and they had hoped I could still live on. Why bother?

At that moment, on my almost death bed, I was sort of at peace at last. If it was two of three years ago when I was in one of these rooms and the situation had occurred before, I was scared; trashing around and screaming for my parents. This time was different. I was ready to have my last breath, my last thought and my last heartbeat. I welcomed death like a friend. I was only twelve and I thought that it wasn’t terrible age to die.

Another cold and tingling sensation surged my body from the electrocution to keep my heart from stopping. I tried opening my eyes and capturing the last light of my life; even my hearing wasn’t that good but I heard my name being called to keep me conscious by the doctors. Then, I heard my mom. I was surprised. I never thought she would be by my side. Usually, she would be busy with her newspapers deadlines. As for dad? Right- he wouldn’t be here because I remembered him attending a meeting outstation. I wondered if he knew how critical I was at the moment. Lastly…

“JIYEON AH! Don’t die!” I heard a new voice. I knew whom it belonged to. He never failed to be there for me.

My lips tried to move to utter his name because he had a beautiful name. I felt it; his warm hand clasping my own. It was warmer than usual when he used to hold it and I felt a strange feeling infused into my own. Before I could register anything, my vision blurred and my mind went into a temporary shutdown. I thought I had died. Something surged inside of me like a whirlpool of emotions and a new energy flowed through every cell of my being, giving me a new life. After that, they called me a miracle.

Three years later…

Tomorrow was going to be the start of a new life for me and I was feeling hopeful. For as long as I can remember, I have only one wished and maybe finally, I get to see that wish come true. Mom was feeling just as ecstatic as I was that it was embarrassing. I was going to start a new school term and that was such a big deal to us since I haven’t been to school since I was ten. I was sixteen now.

I was trying out new school uniform which consisted of a dark navy blazer, a white collared underneath tucked into my knee-length skirt. My mom was there to inspect me but that wasn’t the only thing she did. She was playing around with my hair, tying and playing around with it; deciding how I should wear it for tomorrow. As much as I appreciated her effort, the pulling and tugging on my hair was hurting my head. If I didn’t say anything, I might turn bald before I even started school. This was worrisome.

“Umma,” I said, capturing my mom’s attention. “I’ll just let my hair down. It’ll make me look natural that way, won’t it?”

“Omo- but Jiyeon ah, wasn’t the small braid I did earlier suited you earlier?” she replied.

I sighed in defeat. It’s not that I didn’t like the effort she putting into it but it was a bit too excessive to a point that I didn’t want to trouble the both of us for too long. “It did but I’ve made up my mind.”

Before my mom could come up with a reply to my statement, we both heard a knock on the door and we both turned to see it was my brother, saving me from this ‘torture.’ He was my hero! I ushered my mom to go downstairs to get dinner ready while he takes over helping instead. We exchanged glances and we both knew it wasn’t the whole truth. My mom believed him and headed to the kitchen downstairs leaving me with my brother. I was taking off my blazer when I noticed my brother stepping inside my room through the mirror.

“You looked great by the way,” he complimented.

He took me by surprised. I didn’t expect him to really come inside and critic on my appearance causing me to blush slightly but I managed to smile at him for it. “Thanks, oppa. I-… um…” for some weird reason, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I was too nervous.

“Nervous?” he stepped towards me and placed his warm hand onto my head, rubbing it affectionately. It was during times like these that I fell into a stupor for admiring how much he knew what I was feeling at the time. “Don’t be. Just be yourself and people will like you.”

“B-but, what if they don’t? I will never be able to make any friends.”

He approached me and placed both of his hands on my shoulders reassuringly. It was enough to make me look up to meet his eyes. “Too bad for them. You’d make a good friend,” he smiled coolly.

Kim Myungsoo. He saved me from my almost death and now he saves me from trivial things like these. I felt like a child with him because he always had taken care of me. He was a better guardian than our own parents due to their work. Before, I was too sick to do anything or even go outside, nowadays had been much better to be a bit more adventurous but school- scared me. It gave me a reason to drop dead again. The feeling was dismissed when we both heard our mother calling us for dinner. I pushed Myungsoo out of my room with a bit of difficulty so I can change into my casual wear but he wouldn’t budge. I could hit him for his slowness until I called him a ert, he immediately understood and left.

“Aigoo… my Jiyeonnie is all grown up,” he remarked teasingly at the doorframe.

“Stop, Myung oppa. You sound like mom,” I said, finally closing the door of my bedroom.

*              *              *

That morning, Myungsoo walked me to school. He said it was out of responsibility as an older brother but through his actions and tone of his speech, he was secretly happy to take me to my first day of school. He was just isn’t good at expressing that. It made me glad nevertheless. Besides, I was a teenager now; it would be a little embarrassing if my mom took me to school. I wasn’t a child and being accompanied by Myungsoo was better. Plus, he understood me.

It was quite chilly for autumn. The clear blue sky was deceiving when a gush of wind blew through my autumn coat, causing my bare legs to shake. I wondered how school girls go to school wearing such a uniform but I’m confident that my skirt was at the prescribed length by the school. It was still unbelievable- I was going to school. I glanced to my brother who was beside me. He too, was feeling the cold when both of his hands were neatly tucked in the pockets of his coat, his teeth silently clattering that I couldn’t ignore.

“How are you feeling?” he asked me as we both walked towards my school.

“Cold,” I replied shortly.

“I mean about going to school.”

I managed to chuckle. Of course he meant school but the cold was too distracting to think. When I managed to breathe out, a visible puff of air could be seen. “I feel good, somehow.”

Myungsoo nodded. I guess no words were needed afterward and we both just walked together side by side just like that until I reached the entrance of my school gate. As I imagined it to be, it was bustling with students walking in groups, all probably have friends they knew from their previous schools, some were seniors and such. Earlier when I said I felt good, I was nervous now. There were just too many people. I hid my cold hands into my pockets, searching for some kind of warmth to calm myself. Then I heard my brother spoke up.

“This is it, Jiyeon. Your school life starts now,” he said. I couldn’t say anything as a reply. “Shall I pick you up?”

And then I realized how I was depending so much on him again. I always had and I still was. With the little courage I had left in me, I said, “Gwenchana. I’ll be okay.”

Gwenchana. I hope.

I had a school orientation for the whole week. Honestly, I had fun and made tons of friends in no time, just as Myungsoo predicted. The teachers were very helpful too and someone said that my homeroom teacher would be a handsome fella. The girls were already swooning and can’t wait to start classes. The boys on the other hand were actually quite reserved but there were still a bunch of rowdy ones; they were a clique.

Most of the girls in my classroom told me that I was kind, beautiful and friendly; that I should be up for class president but I didn’t want that. I wouldn’t suit that kind of position since I haven’t been to school that much to shoulder the responsibilities of one. My new friends told me not to worry so much about them since it was mainly just a title to someone who looked the most reliable. I didn’t consider myself reliable- I was only enthusiastic for school because it’s so new to me and the classes I was taking were of my interest. I was no model student.

 Going home, was also a new feeling; even though it was the same house and same family members, something was different as I came back from home. I was greeted home by my parents and I remembered that that was my role. Sadden a bit at first but suddenly becoming happy that finally, I could hear those words that were meant for me. I put down my bag and changed into my casual wear to help my mother in the kitchen for dinner. During dinner, I talked and talked about my days at school- the people, the teachers and classes. To able to talk about them was already a pleasure and for them to hear me experiencing something knew was thrilling.

Myungsoo came home and he looked tired. He didn’t talk much and went straight to his room. I asked my mom what he had been up to but she only shrugged. My dad gave me a look and told me to not bother him anymore; that he was old enough to do what he liked. The life of a grown man, he said. I still worry. Sure, my brother was old enough and can be independent but I was so used to spending time with him, I would feel lost without him even for a day. I was worried of us talking less and us meeting even lesser. I missed my brother.

 *              *              *

A month had passed. School had been deeply rooted to be a part of my life; a routine. I was still very much elated about it as I get used to the schedule. Unlike my first week of going to school, nothing special was presented on the table for dinner and my parents went back to being the usual busy people they were where I hardly see them at home.

I sighed. I had to get used to this.

I walked up the stairs to my bedroom when I saw my brother’s door closed opening slightly ajar. Curious, I closed in towards his room and somehow, I felt the urge to push the door open without knocking. I felt a slight chill going through my veins when the darkness of his room greeted me inside.

“Oppa..?”  He wasn’t in and that was odd. Our bedroom doors were always open when we were in but not trace was found of him as I walked around his room.

His single bed was neatly done. His walls looked fine blue in contrast of his study desk which was white. I walked towards it and saw a couple of books that he would use to scribble down his thoughts and inspiration. He would read me some of his work which consisted of quotes and lyrics. Sometimes, lyrics he composed himself for his love of music. He wrote those songs in a baby blue binding book I gave him on his birthday a couple of years ago. 

Without much thought, I picked it up and postcard slipped from it.  It showed a grand European building of some sort and a few words were newly written on its back as I flipped it over. It was strangely addressed to me. It read:

“Kim Jiyeon.

I wanted to tell you so many things before I leave but I can’t find the words to tell you and this note will surely be insufficient to explain where I will be and why I am gone. However, I promise you, will meet again and I’m sure you’ll understand.”

-kms