Kyungsoo knows how to keep up appearances well, that’s a common knowledge. He has a reputation of remaining stoic in even the most nerve wrecking situations. His friends always joke that it’s in his face which resembles a stone, and that only his expressive eyes can give him away if he’s not careful. But Kyungsoo is not slow – if anything, he is analytical. He prefers to observe and listen to others, rather than reveal too much of himself. Part of the reason is that he is uncomfortable with sharing his feelings with others .

Mostly, he just thinks that he is not interesting enough to be inquired about in so much detail.

And anyway, it’s only strangers that take him for a grumpy person. People who truly matter know better. Jongin always reads him like a book, and that is because as his friend of 17 years and a half, he always knows what it is that he is looking for in Kyungsoo’s face. He knows Kyungsoo so well that his eyes are merely looking for confirmation of his already formed suspicions.

Which is why Jongin has never once noticed the most obvious and intense emotions painted all over his best friend’s expression – the adoration that Kyungsoo wears on his sleeve every time his eyes turn to the taller. That’s right - Jongin has never noticed it because it is way beyond his imagination to be suspecting such a thing, especially from Kyungsoo’s part.

Kyungsoo lets out an almost inaudible sigh as he turns a page in his textbook. Everyone knows that  with his brain, Kyungsoo is meant for bigger and better things – a career in science, perhaps, or his own business enterprise, or a Nobel prize. If only reaching all his goals weren’t such a daunting task sometimes, he sighs again, this time louder. He really enjoys studying most of the time, but even he gets lazy sometimes.

It seems that today is one of those days. The sun is beginning to set and he is still stuck in the library, though. Baekhyun was supposed to be there half an hour ago – after all, he has set up this study date himself – but is still nowhere to be found. Kyungsoo swears that he is going to kill him if he finds out one more time that the boy has lost both the track of time and probably his shirt also, pressed against his giant boyfriend’s locker in the locker room after the latter’s basketball practice.

What is theory of chemistry, when you can engage in much more direct production of endorphins.

Kyungsoo takes out his phone and dials Baekhyun’s number but as expected, the call eventually goes to voice mail.

Unless you have a valid excuse for your tardiness, our chemistry tutoring sessions are officially over.

He presses send and packs up his school bag. He’s tired.

But as it turns out, it’s only the beginning of the real headache that is coming his way. He enters the house only to see his mother, his older sister and Jongin, chatting away and from the looks of it, preparing dinner.

‘You’re finally back.’ Jongin smiles. ‘How was studying?’

‘I wouldn’t know. Baekhyun never showed up and I spend the whole hour staring out of the window.’ Kyungsoo doesn’t mean to sound bitter, but he really is exhausted. Out of a sudden, life feels very tiring.

‘You shouldn’t work so hard, honey.’ His mother chips in. ‘You’re so smart already. Don’t overwork yourself right before the finals.’

‘Your mum’s right, you know. You’ll be the first in our school, anyway. You will easily get into any university that you want to go to.’ Jongin gives him one of his brilliant smiles and Kyungsoo’s head goes light. He becomes all hopeful again, which he doesn’t want to do, and it’s all because Jongin’s support plays the most important part in his motivation, even more important than his parents’ words. At least that’s what it feels like to Kyungsoo, but one can’t really blame him, can they?

I’m not hurting, he says to himself. I’m ok.

It’s the proverbial thin ice that he has been balancing on for quite some time. He always takes to reassuring himself in situations like this one – the more he wants to just walk up to Jongin and sincerely hug him, the more he realises exactly why he can’t.

‘What are you doing at home?’ He clears his throat and changes topic to his sister’s unexpected presence in their house. Even though she studies at a local university, freshers are still obliged to spend at least one semester in the university’s dormitory so for the time being, Joohyun resides over there.

His older sister scoffs at his remark.

‘I can’t stand my roommate. I thought I’d spend some time at home for once, since I was finally allowed to leave for the weekend. Seriously, is it an educational institution or a detention centre?’

‘To my knowledge, those are one and the same.’ Jongin jokes and Joohyun bursts into a laughing fit next to him. They joyously high five each other. Kyungsoo shakes his head in amusement and finally puts down his bag on a chair nearby. He washes his hands and takes an extra knife to help the rest with peeling the vegetables laid out in front of them.

When his father finally comes back from work, he doesn’t question Jongin’s presence. The latter has blended into their family so well that he is like a second son to them. I don’t need his affection as long as we just remain like this, Kyungsoo thinks to himself. I’m ok.

‘Have you seen Kyung?’ Jongin puts down his tray on the table and takes the seat opposite Chanyeol. The taller shrugs.

‘Didn’t you just have class with him?’

‘I did, but then he suddenly disappeared and is not replying to any of my messages.’ Then Jongin looks around to see that somebody else is also missing. ‘Where’s Baekhyun?’

‘Their mathlete club president is going crazy over some strategies for the semi finals this weekend. She kicked me out of the room and locked them all up until they figure everything up, again. I’m trying to be understanding, because I know that for most of them, winning this championship basically means a free ride into their bright future, but even generous scholarships cannot change the fact that science is now my greatest enemy. I haven’t properly seen Baek in days.’ Chanyeol’s expression sours more with each uttered word.

Jongin leans in to pat his back mockingly.

‘You only feel that way, because you’ve already earned your own, Mr. Basketball Champion.’ Chanyeol reddens a little at the remark, because he knows that he is being hypocritical.

‘Hey, here comes Kyungsoo.’ He points out to the door after a few moments of silence and chewing in between them. Jongin immediately looks up. Kyungsoo is not alone.

He walks up to them, with two other boys. One is Junmyeon, whom Jongin recognises as their student body president from last year – he has since graduated and started attending the university along with Kyungsoo’s older sister. The second boy, however, he does not know the face of.

‘Hey, guys, long time no see.’ Junmyeon greets amicably and both seated students smile back – Chanyeol’s always a welcoming smile, but Jongin’s cautious, because he keeps glancing at the stranger. ‘This is my friend Minho – mind if we join you for lunch?’

‘Have you already forgotten what the food here is like?’ Chanyeol jokes but makes some room for the other three to sit down as well. Jongin moves a chair to make some space for Kyungsoo, but his friend ends up between Junmyeon and Minho, instead. Jongin frowns a little at that, but returns to chewing his lunch.

‘I’ll get you something. You guys can talk in the meantime.’ Junmyeon offers, standing up again. Kyungsoo nods, smiling.

Jongin’s frown deepens, because it usually takes much more than a simple sandwich for his best friend to smile – it takes a lot to coax a shy grin from him, and Jongin actually likes it that way. He is one of the very few that can do it and it makes him feel somewhat accomplished.

He turns to Chanyeol and clears his throat. Chanyeol rolls his eyes but proceeds to the task silently entrusted to him. Jongin himself is above any forms of jealousy and interrogation.

‘So… are you friends with Junmyeon?’ Chanyeol asks Minho and the latter nods. ‘I badly need help in my statistics class and Junmyeon recommended Kyungsoo. I was sceptical at first, I mean, since he is still in high school and all, so shouldn’t I be at least a little bit smarter than him? Turns out that I was very wrong.’

‘Kyung is insanely smart.’ Jongin chips in, trying not to sound annoyed at some kid indirectly offending his best friend. Minho turns to him – if he’s noticed his tone, he doesn’t show it.

‘He really is. You really are. And a kind person, too. Thank you for agreeing to help me on such a short notice.’ Minho turns back to Kyungsoo and Jongin realises that the boy has become flustered by the attention given to him. Anyone else would have missed this, because Kyungsoo’s expression hasn’t changed, and he never blushes. But he blinks a little faster and Jongin can just see it in his eyes.

That Kyungsoo is flattered and happy at the words.

‘I’m looking forward to spending time with you.’ Kyungsoo just nods, looking down.

Jongin has been through this before. Many times, in fact, more than he could count. Kyungsoo is not a very popular person, but he is a busy one. And every now and then, an individual in need of his help or attention comes along and Kyungsoo tries his best to appease them. It never sits well with Jongin, because, well, best friends are best friends and he cannot help but feel the loss of every single minute that they could have spent together instead.

Jongin is no stranger to this strange pull in his gut and he tries really hard to reason with himself, because it’s not normal to be this attached, no matter how close they are. But deep inside, he’s still a big kid and simply hates when others take his toys without permission. While Kyungsoo is not exactly a toy, he definitely falls under the category of objects, living and otherwise, that Jongin would just love to keep in his pocket and never let anyone see. Kyungsoo is his safety blanket, the person whom he can always turn to for support and sober advice.

He doesn’t take it well when he is suddenly left alone for too long. That’s how it is now, though, because Kyungsoo is yet again somewhere in the city centre, tutoring his new best friend Choi Minho. For the third time this week alone.

Jongin sighs, looking out of the library window. He promised Kyungsoo that he would stay and study with Baekhyun and Chanyeol, but Baekhyun’s explanations are nowhere near as clear or engaging as his best friend’s.

That’s how both his friends find him when they finally enter the hall after their last class. Baekhyun grabs Chanyeol’s wrist to stop him, before they come into view. Chanyeol turns to his boyfriend, question in his eyes.

‘Should we… you know…’

‘Oh, Baekhyun.’ The realisation of what the shorter is about to suggest downs on him quickly. ‘We’ve tried already, remember? Many, many times. Kyungsoo has forbidden us from meddling and you know that Jongin is just simply not in love with him. They have something special but it’s not… that kind of thing.’ Chanyeol adds sadly.

Baekhyun sighs, frustrated.

‘We should try, one more time. I mean, look at him. He’s been moping about Kyungsoo and Minho for days now. It’s the perfect opportunity, really. We should try just one more time. We owe it to Kyungsoo. He owes it to himself, even if he doesn’t fully realise it.’

‘Jongin is not in love with Soo, I think we’ve long established that much. He’s had another boyfriend since your brief relationship, in case  you’ve forgotten.’

‘He’s single now.’ Baekhyun dismisses the idea. ‘I think we’ve been approaching this problem from an entirely wrong angle. So what if Jongin is not in love with Kyungsoo? He can still fall in love with him, you know. The only thing that truly prevents him from doing so is the simple fact that it has never occurred to him that he can feel this way towards Kyungsoo.’

‘But-‘ Chanyeol is unconvinced but Baekhyun interrupts him, anyway.

‘Let me tell you, you dumb giant, there is nothing better than falling in love with your best friend. If there is a chance in hell that those two could finally get together, then they should seize it.’ The shorter boy unceremoniously pulls his boyfriend down by the neck and plants a quick kiss on his lips. Confuse and attack is Baekhyun’s usual strategy and it always works on Chanyeol. His defences are already weakened anyway. ‘Follow me.’ Baek intertwines their fingers and pulls the other along to approach Jongin.

‘Alone again?’ Baekhyun smiles at Jongin kindly, setting his bag on the table opposite the taller. The smile might seem innocent, but Chanyeol knows that there is a fire in those eyes, so the taller zips his mouth and waits for further instructions.

When Kyungsoo arrives at his house, Jongin is already there, waiting for him in his room. He’s got the DVD popped in the player and a fresh bowl of popcorn at his side, half eaten. It makes Kyungsoo a bit guilty, because he’s rarely had time for his best friend this week. And Friday night movie has always sort of been their thing to do.

‘Sorry, I lost track of time. But you should see what there are doing at university – Minho showed me his textbooks. I haven’t been this excited about graduating from high school in a long while.’ Kyungsoo jokes lightly, turning around and changing out of his sweater into a more comfortable t-shirt.

Jongin doesn’t comment – instead, for the first time, he consciously stares at his best friend’s back as the other is looking for an suitable shirt in his dresser. Jongin has seen that back hundreds, if not thousands of times. It’s always been there, right in front of Jongin, when they learnt how to swim together at the tender age of 8, when they changed into their sportswear for PE every single week since elementary school; finally, when last year, when they both decided that some stamina couldn’t hurt so they signed up for gym together. He’s seen that skinny back changing into its slightly toned present shape, Kyungsoo’s narrow shoulders expanding to their current frame.

Jongin’s throat goes dry.

He immediately shakes his head to will the strange thoughts away. Damn Baek and the weird ideas that he’s planted in Jongin’s head.

‘He’s out tutoring Minho.’ He doesn’t mean it, but he emphasises the older boy’s name in a not so nicely sounding manner.

‘Ah.’ Baekhyun nods his head, knowingly. He takes out his math textbook. ‘Looks like we might have another couple among us soon.’

Jongin finally looks away from the window and frowns at the pair of friends in front of him.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean just that. Kyungsoo and Minho? If you start spending a lot of time together, there is a high chance that you will become naturally attracted to each other.’

‘What? That is not true at all.’

 ‘And tutoring? Perfect set up.’ Baekhyun continues, not discouraged by Jongin’s opposition. ‘I clearly remember how you and I started dating. I was in the middle of explaining functions and you just grabbed my hand and confessed. Sorry, Yeol.’ He adds when he hears his boyfriend clear his throat next to him.

‘That was because… I had a crush on you back then.’ Jongin hisses. ‘I didn’t really need your help.’

‘How is that different? We’ve studied more than four weeks together before you gave up the charade. It happens. You spend a lot of time together and you start noticing things that you have never acknowledged before. What?’ He asks, innocently, when he sees Jongin scoff. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never thought of dating Kyungsoo?’

‘Dating Kyungsoo? Are you crazy? He’s my best friend.’ Chanyeol and Baekhyun exchange a consternated glance before giving Jongin the really-Jongin-really look. Jongin lets out a breathless laugh.

‘Ok, I get your point, but it’s different with us. You guys had been married before either of you even realised that you had feelings for each other. Kyungsoo and I are different. We fit well together as best friends. We’re not as crazy as you two.’

‘Well then, good for you. Hopefully Kyung fits with Minho in all the other ways then, because that guy is smoking hot.’

‘Kyungsoo is not like that.’ Jongin responds stronger than he intended, frowning even deeper. He’s becoming angry despite his better judgement.

‘Like what? On the contrary to popular belief, Kyungsoo is not made of stone. He is an affectionate person, you should know that better than anyone else. That’s fine if you’ve decided that he’s not for you, but don’t tell me that you don’t see just how amazing he is as a potential boyfriend. To somebody. Maybe to Minho.’

‘Jongin.’

‘He’s smart, kind and getting kind of y these days, if I say so myself. Anyone who falls in love with him will be lucky to have him.’

‘Jongin.’ Jongin nearly jumps up when a warm hand lands on his shoulder. Kyungsoo’s face is too close for comfort, seemingly staring right into his soul. ‘Jongin, you spaced out on me a little. Are you tired? You should go home.’

‘No… no. I was just thinking. Sorry.’ He finishes lamely. Kyungsoo looks at him strangely but doesn’t comment on it anymore and sits down instead, pulling the blanket on his legs for warmth. ‘What are we watching tonight?’

Kyungsoo seems to be into the film, but Jongin barely registers the events on screen. After a longer pause, and when there is nothing left in their bowl to munch on, he clears his throat.

‘Say, Kyung… Do you think that it’s possible to date your best friend?’ Kyungsoo’s wide eyes turn to him so sharply that the taller boy almost squeaks at the intensity.

‘…did Baekhyun say anything to you?’

‘What? No, of course not!’ Kyungsoo doesn’t look convinced, but eventually sighs.

‘Of course it is. Look at Chanyeol and Baekhyun. Look at Wendy and Yixing. Even my stupid sister has  apparently recently discovered that her friend of many years is an ideal candidate for her to date. And yes, I mean Junmyeon.’

‘Junmyeon and Joohyun noona? Damn, that’s an unexpected development.’ Jongin is momentarily distracted and they share a knowing smile. Junmyeon’s crush has always been very obvious.

‘Yeah… I personally think it’s inevitable. If you spend so much time with one another, one of you will eventually become more attached and develop feelings towards the other. It’s only a matter of time.’ Kyungsoo isn’t looking at him anymore, more like looking ahead without really seeing what’s in front of him. He’s deep in thought, Jongin can tell, but for the first time Jongin notices something that was never there before, at least not from Jongin’s point of view: Kyungsoo is sad.

‘Is that so.’ The taller offers a lame response.

‘Of course, all of them are very lucky. Just because somebody is your best friend, doesn’t mean they can automatically become your lover. There is a reason why best friends are just that – best friends. We look for a person with common interests, a person who completes us and brings the best in us. A person that is fun to hang out with – who can make us laugh and who would cry with us. But that’s when the best friend’s role ends.’ Kyungsoo starts wringing his fingers on his lap. ‘A lover needs to be all that and so much more. A lover needs to be physically attractive to us, of course, but first and foremost, he needs to care. Not like a best friend, not like family. Or maybe a bit of both. A lover will care for you in a way that you will never even know but you will always feel. He will never tell you that he could sacrifice his life for you, but you will always know that he would. That he would stand by your side until the end and never want anything in return. ’

‘That’s… beautiful.’ Jongin admits quietly after a moment of silence from Kyungsoo. His friend lets out a short, shaken laugh. But he doesn’t look amused, just melancholic. He turns to the taller.

‘You know that you really love somebody when you are happy because they are happy, even if their happiness does not involve you at all. Like Chanyeol. He stupidly hid his feelings for so long, but he was ready to bury them if it meant that Baekhyun was happy with you. He was really hurt.’

‘I think he was a whining piece of , that’s what he was at that time.’ This time a smile actually blossoms on Kyungsoo’s lips.

‘Don’t underestimate affection just become it comes from a young person like you and me. If you ever fall in love with somebody out of your reach, you will understand why all love songs describe love as pain. That’s what it feels like, falling in love with your best friend – every moment spend with them burns your very core like hot iron, but you keep on smiling for their sake. I really hope that you never experience it, Jongin.’ Kyungsoo gets up, looking for the remote. The film has finished. Jongin catches barely glimpse of intense anguish in his friend’s eyes before the latter turns around to rearrange the table. ‘You should probably go, I need to get up early tomorrow.’

‘You sound like you speak from experience.’ Jongin disregards the last comments, pressing the matter at hand instead. But when Kyungsoo turns around, he looks completely normal, maybe just a little more tired than usual. Jongin doesn’t know anymore if the earlier impression wasn’t just a figment of his own imagination and the effect that his friend’s words had on him.

‘Chanyeol’s experience.’ Kyungsoo agrees easily. ‘I spent countless hours listen to him rumble.’

Jongin cannot fall asleep that night.

He’s never considered Kyungsoo from this perspective before. The shorter has never dated, never once mentioned being interested in anybody and Jongin’s always assumed that his best friend either has high standards – which is understandable, considering his own outstanding persona – or has been focusing on his studies and his priorities simply lie somewhere else at the moment. Not only has Jongin never imagined himself with Kyungsoo, but anyone else was also out of the question. Kyungsoo… simply doesn’t date.

But then again, Chanyeol’s stupid also never dated until he did. And his best friend, at that.

Jongin himself doesn’t have an outstanding relationship record, but he’s had three boyfriends in his life. When he was 16, he asked out Luhan who seemed all over him - until Minseok transferred to their school, that is. They dated for roughly 3 months before Luhan asked to break up. In perspective, Jongin understands that he and Luhan didn’t even have that much in common and he is much better off without him, but it hurt.

Then he went out with Baekhyun for about 5 weeks the following year. The biggest disaster of his life, if you ask him, since he was the only person deluding himself into believing that he actually had a chance with the shorter boy. That, and Chanyeol was constantly breathing down his neck. A total headache.

His most recent dating experience has been with Sehun. Jongin ended it after 7 months. It was Sehun who asked him out, and Jongin liked him enough to agree, perhaps even fell slightly in love while they were together – but the deeper they were into it, the more he realised that while he was definitely physically attracted to the boy, there was simply something missing between them. They were never… in sync, so to speak. It almost felt like both of them led completely separate lives that collided only when they were actually on a date.

Sehun wasn’t interested in anything that Jongin did and vice versa. Jongin became tired.

Jongin turns around yet again, restlessly, and sighs into his pillow.

He’s never once thought of dating Kyungsoo and it’s God’s honest truth. Kyungsoo is… unreachable. Too precious to even try in fear of breaking what they have. Jongin has survived all his breakups all right, but he doesn’t think that he would get over losing Kyungsoo’s friendship so easily.

However, if he were to be in love with Kyungsoo… Just hypothetically, of course. If they were to fall in love, they could not only watch films every Friday but also cuddle while doing so. Jongin could shamelessly bury his nose in the shorter’s neck and sniff that mix of fresh soap and cinnamon that was so uniquely Kyungsoo, instead of secretly doing it from afar. He could hug the daylights out of him, every time Kyungsoo  won yet another physics competition, like Jongin sometimes rally wanted to, instead of resorting to shallow pats on the shoulder.

He could probably hear Kyungsoo call him Nini-yah more often, which he rarely does nowadays because they are not children anymore, but it nevertheless slips out sometimes, when Kyungsoo is unnaturally excited about something. And Jongin would probably want to kiss… kiss those words off his boyfriend’s lips immediately.

Jongin groans into the pillow that he has placed flat on his face. He’s so stupid for letting Baekhyun’s words get to him so easily. Crazy.

Kyungsoo really needs to revise this chapter, but he literally feels Jongin’s eyes drilling holes in his head from the side and he cannot concentrate on the task at hand. Jongin’s been weird lately – behaving strangely and saying the most random of things. Kyungsoo’s already had a word with Baekhyun, whom he blames completely for breaking Jongin’s mind yet again, but Baekhyun swears that this time, he had nothing to do with whatever it is that Jongin is thinking.

Kyungsoo doesn’t know whether to believe it or not.

‘Kyung…’ He hears Jongin say. Kyungsoo tilts his head in his friend’s direction slightly, just enough to demonstrate that he is listening. ‘Why do you never call me Nini these days?’

This time Kyungsoo does frown and looks at Jongin in bewilderment.

‘…Because we are not five anymore?’

‘You sometimes do, you know. When you don’t think about it. I like it. You are the only one that ever calls me that.’

‘I called you Nini because your name was way too long to pronounce for a toddler. You used to call me Soo, remember? And you don’t anymore.’ Jongin smiles sheepishly.

‘I like calling you Kyung now, instead. It doesn’t sound as childish as Soo, but still feels intimate.’

Intimate? Kyungsoo sighs, impatiently.

‘Jongin, what is going on? I can’t fix you if you don’t tell me who broke you, or at least what it is that at present is making so much damage in your brain.’

Jongin merely grins, amused.

‘Call me Nini. Just once.’

‘No.’ Kyungsoo rejects the idea immediately. His heart is pounding way too fast to be able to win at this game. Of course, he also knows what Nini sounds like. It sounds like an endearment and therefore something that Kyungsoo really needs to stay away from if he wants to survive this.

‘Please. I really want to hear it once. I’m kind of sad these days, you know.’

Kyungsoo’s heart is weak, though. Despite himself, he immediately turns around to check up on his friend.

‘Sad? Why are you sad?’

‘Maybe sad is not the right word. I’m melancholic. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and I.’ Kyungsoo’s hearts stops altogether. ‘You’re graduating soon and I’m so proud of you, because I just know that you will get into any university that you want to go to.’ Kyungsoo lets out the breath that he didn’t know he was holding. ‘I, however, still have no idea what I want to do. I’m not particularly good at anything… it’s a bit worrying, to be honest. Should I just follow you?’ Jongin grins and Kyungsoo scoffs, half-heartedly.

‘That’s impossible. You would never get into a medical department with your grades, not even if your life depended on it.’

‘Don’t you want me there? If you tutored me more, I’m sure that we could work it out.’

‘I’d have to live twice to have enough time to teach you all the things that you need to know for the entrance exams.’ Jongin laughs even louder this time, and the librarian hisses at him in warning.

‘So it’s SNU for you?’

‘Most probably.’ Kyungsoo nods. He still hasn’t told Jongin about the acceptance letter that he received from a university in Australia that he applied to on a whim when he was feeling particularly down.

‘Well… then I’ll just apply for the university that is the closest to SNU and then we can share a two room in the city.’

‘You’ll still need to live in the dorm for the first semester, though. Remember?’ Kyungsoo adds, sounding unusually sceptical.

‘Hey, don’t shoot down my ideas like that. It’s almost as if you don’t want me there.’ Jongin jokes and  with one last grin picks up his English book again.

Maybe I don’t, is what Kyungsoo thinks sadly. Maybe the only reason why a part of him even wants to attend the university abroad is to get away from Jongin. He’s been good with keeping it all inside but even for him, bearing this unrequited love is getting too much to handle. Sometimes it hurts so bad that Kyungsoo cannot breath.

The time when Jongin was dating Sehun was probably the most horrible period in Kyungsoo’s life. When Jongin got together with Luhan, Kyungsoo was barely aware of what it really was that he felt for his best friend, and with Baekhyun, it would never work out, he knew that all along. Sehun was different, though. When Jongin was with Sehun, he looked happy and in love. Sometimes, Kyungsoo would look at the two of them bickering at the table and realise that there was simply no room for anyone else between them.

And Kyungsoo’s heart would leave him little by little, his mind fogging in despair. He has tried so hard for Jongin’s sake to be supportive because he does believe in what he told him that night in his room – the only reason why Kyungsoo himself hasn’t yet gone crazy is because he sees Jongin happy and that is his strength to go on. But he knows that eventually, Jongin will fall for somebody else and Kyungsoo is not sure if he can bear witnessing it again.

He’s rather distance himself from Jongin. In a long run, it might actually hurt less.

‘Nini-yah.’ Kyungsoo whispers, somberly, but Jongin hears him nevertheless and raises his head to meet Kyungsoo’s eyes. ‘You know that you will always be my best friend no matter what. You know that, right?’

Jongin sends him one of his most brilliant smiles.

Jongin sees them one day when he is on his way to the music store he’s found a part time job at. Kyungsoo and Minho are sitting inside a cosy café, right next to the window. Kyungsoo’s eyes are on the book in front of them, Minho’s arm is on the back of Kyungsoo’s chair.

Without realising what he’s doing, Jongin’s legs lead him inside and he only really wakes up when he’s standing right in front of them.

‘Fancy seeing you here.’

‘Jongin, aren’t you at work?’ Kyungsoo looks positively confused. Jongin’s confused himself, to be honest, and that judging look that he seems to be getting from Minho doesn’t help, either.

‘I just… stopped by to… buy myself a coffee.’ He points out blinding toward what he hopes is the cash register.

‘You don’t drink coffee.’ Kyungsoo frowns even deeper and Jongin lets out a strangled laugh. That is correct, he does not like caffeine.

‘Did I say coffee? I mean hot chocolate.’

‘Oh… ok.’

‘Can I talk to you for a moment? …Over there.’ Jongin half expects Kyungsoo to say no for some reason, but the latter just shrugs.

‘Yeah, ok.’ He excuses himself from the table and they approach the counter.

‘Hot chocolate.’ Jongin throws at the barista carelessly, before she has a chance to ask for his order.

Jongin and Kyungsoo stand there for a few moments in complete silence, before the shorter breaks it.

‘So... has something happened?’ Jongin puffs up his cheeks. He has no idea what to say.

‘I just wanted to confirm whether you are coming over to my place tomorrow. You know, to celebrate Baekhyun’s team’s victory.’ He ends up saying lamely. He thinks he notices corners of Kyungsoo’s lips rise slightly.

‘Yes, and you could have just texted me.’ Jongin rubs the back of his neck in embarrassment. ‘Are you ok, Jongin, like, really? I’m kind of worried about you. You haven’t been yourself lately.’ And whose fault is that? ‘Let me know if you need me.’ Kyungsoo hands Jongin the cup that the barista has placed in front of them. ‘Now off you go. You’re going to be late for work and I am still tutoring.’

Chanyeol has been coming into the shop more often lately, mostly because he knows that he can try out all the guitars while Jongin’s on duty.

‘How do you know that you’re in love?’ He finally asks his taller friend, interrupting the chirpy tune that latter has been playing.

‘Don’t you know? You’ve been in love before.’ Chanyeol reassumes the melody.

‘These days I feel that I might have had the wrong idea about love. I always fall for looks before I give their personality a chance. Did you fall in love with Baekhyun because of his looks first?’

‘Christ, no.’ Chanyeol rejects immediately with a grin. ‘When I realised for the first time that I might be in love with him, he was still wearing those hideous blue braces.’

‘That long ago? He totally looked like he hadn’t brushed his teeth in ages.’ Jongin laughs along. ‘Seriously, though, can you fall in love with somebody that you have known your entire life?’

‘Are we talking in anyone in particular right now?’

‘Nope. Just hypothetically.’ Jongin is thankful that Chanyeol doesn’t pick up on his tone of voice.

‘Well, in any case, the answer is totally yes. It’s funny but actually, the way I see it is that the closer you are to somebody, the harder it is for you to really see them. Say, you are in love with Kyungsoo.’ Jongin turns red. ‘Hypothetically.’ Chanyeol adds quickly, barely hiding his smirk. Baekhyun is going to be so proud of him for this. ‘Hypothetically, you are right now wondering about your feelings for Kyungsoo. Hypothetically, you are bothered when you see him with Minho or with other people, but you don’t know why. You’ve always been close, closer than real family even. When you first met him, he was just a grumpy toddler that shared his toys with you, and here you are, eighteen years later, still seeing that Kyungsoo – he’s not a child anymore, but he is still serious, in need of your protection and he is somebody that you always dote on. Well, newsflash, Jongin, but people change and you are the only one that doesn’t see just how much Kyungsoo has changed, precisely because you see him every day in the exact same circumstances.’

‘So... what’s your point, exactly?’ Jongin scratches his head, lost.

‘My point is that you can only see the real Kyungsoo if you bother to look at him as a stranger would. He’s smart, kind hearted and good looking. He’s fun to hang out with, too.’

‘I know all of that.’ Jongin huffs impatiently. ‘You’re not saying anything new.’

‘Do you? Do you really know all of that? I don’t think so. What you think when you see him is: here comes Kyungsoo, my good looking friend. Or perhaps, My smart friend Kyungsoo is seriously good at tutoring. Everything about your attitude screams friend which is romance’s natural enemy. What you need to be doing is look at Kyungsoo and say: Objectively speaking, Kyungsoo has become really y. Is he my type? Or: Kyungsoo is funny. Do I find it attractive? Hypothetically, of course.’ Chanyeol finishes with a wicked smile, and Jongin becomes flustered, realising that he’s involuntarily got too into their conversation.

‘Of course.’

‘Jokes aside, whoever it is that you’re thinking about now, try to look at them from a different perspective. Stop labelling them, this kind of logic simply doesn’t apply here. The friendship label can be really blinding. If you think it’s too much and you don’t want to change anything between you, just leave it. There is a big chance that it will never resurface again. But if you want to find out whether the person you’ve been looking for has, perhaps, been by your side all along, go ahead and try. What’s the worst that can happen? You can discover that they are just not your type and move on quietly from this crazy idea. But if they are, indeed, somebody that you can love, then, my friend, you’ve won the lottery.’

Kyungsoo is washing the dishes when he hears a short knock on the kitchen door and Jongin’s head appears in sight.

‘Busy?’ He inquire as he enters the room. Kyungsoo shakes his head.

‘Noona is in her dorm and my parents went out. Date night.’ He smiles lightly. ‘I just had dinner. There are some leftovers if you’re interested.’

‘No, thanks. I’ve also just eaten.’

‘Sit down, I’ll make you some tea.’ He puts the kettle on and sits down next to his friend.

‘Can’t believe that your parents still go on dates. They’ve been married for so many years.’

‘They are still so childish, though.’ Kyungsoo’s smile indicates that he is not exactly condemning them for being a little crazy. ‘My mum always says that if you’ve found somebody that makes even the most boring day special, you should hold on to them. I know that they are never bored together.’

‘That is an awesome advice.’ Kyungsoo stands up again, this time to pour hot water into their mugs.

‘What brings you here?’

‘Nothing special. I was bored, too. Maybe I should hang out with your parents since they are so interesting,’ Both burst out, laughing.

‘Kyung, are you… dating that guy, Minho?’

Kyungsoo, the normally composted and not easily phased Kyungsoo, chokes on his drink.

‘No.’ He answers when he finally manages to catch his breath. If Jongin hoped for a more detailed answer, he’ll have to weasel it out of his friend because the latter doesn’t say anything else.

‘You spend a lot of time with him.’

‘I’m tutoring him. He pays me money.’

‘Would you tell me if you’ve started dating him?’ Jongin hates that he feels like an insecure teenage girl on her period but he needs to go right about it.

‘…Probably. Yes, I would. But I’m not dating him and I have no intention of dating him. Or anybody else.’

‘Why not?’ Kyungsoo flusters.

‘I just.. don’t want to.’

Jongin doesn’t like what he sees at all. In front of him there is Kyungsoo, innocently lifting the bar, and then there is that fitness instructor, standing in the corner and blatantly checking him out. Jongin doesn’t remember ever seeing him behave like that before.

Just how much has Jongin actually missed by not paying the right kind of attention to his best friend? Jongin’s blood is positively boiling.

The fact that he himself has been staring at Kyungsoo’s biceps has nothing to do with anything.

When the shorter finally puts the bar away and sits up, Jongin immediately hoists him up and puts and arm around him. He feels Kyungsoo’s body stiffen at the intimate touch.

‘That guy in the corner is a creep. He’s been staring at you inappropriately. I think we should change the gym.’ Jongin whispers into his ear and leads the still puzzled Kyungsoo away, towards the locker room. Just before they turn around the corner, Jongin takes one last look at the now frowning instructor and sends him a -eating grin.

It just comes out like this.

Jongin’s been awfully touchy lately, always back hugging him, holding his hand when they are alone and in general, being completely unlike himself. He even sat Kyungsoo on his lap once.

Kyungsoo is beside himself with worry as to Jongin’s motivation.

There is something very anti-climatic in the way Jongin realises that he has fallen in love with his best friend. He should have probably expected it, considering that Kyungsoo has been on his mind nonstop lately. When it finally downs on him, instead of panic, it brings him a certain kind of warmth. Like the calm after the storm.

They have just left the examination room, having taken the seemingly most important test of their lives, and meet Jongin’s mother who is waiting for them at the gate. Kyungsoo’s parents can’t be there for him, so he tags along for a celebratory dinner with the Kims instead. Jongin’s mum alternates between looking as if she’s about to explode with pride because of Kyungsoo’s sure admittance to a good university and lamenting over her own son, whose grades have always been average at best. She steps ahead of them, trying to hail a taxi and Kyungsoo turns to Jongin, his whole face radiant and his eyes crinkling – he looks so content, like never before.

It takes Jongin’s breath away. It makes him feel like he’s finally reached home.

School has been slow – there are still some weeks left before the semester ends but even the teachers have stopped pretending that they care. They’d all been working insanely hard for the entrance exams, and those passed nearly two weeks before.

Jongin and Kyungsoo are slowly walking towards their street. They have just split up with Chanyeol and Baekhyun at the corner, but instead of rushing due to cold, somehow they end up taking their time. They don’t talk but the silence is not unpleasant. They are just content, enjoying each other’s company.

‘Wanna go to the river?’ Jongin finally says when they reach the shorter’s house.

‘It’s too cold for that, don’t you think..?’ Kyungsoo looks at him sceptically, but Jongin just shrugs.

‘Just for a bit. We’ll be back right away. Let’s leave our bags on your porch for now.’ Kyungsoo really wants to oppose again, but something in Jongin’s face tells him not to. They place their things near the front door and walk towards the river, which is mere ten minutes away from their houses.

They sit down very close to the river bank, on one of the makeshift benches, probably constructed by regulars here. It’s really cold, Kyungsoo thinks in passing.

When Jongin takes his hand in his own, Kyungsoo thinks nothing of it. Not anymore. Over the past two months, he’s got used to it. They sit there for a good moment, before Jongin breaks the silence. His breath immediately turns into a white puff.

‘Kyung, would you believe me if I told you something that may sound completely crazy?’

‘I would.’ The other responds without missing a bit. Jongin blinks at him.

‘Why?’

'‘You have never lied to me. I know that you would always only tell me things that you are certain of. Well-‘ Kyungsoo adds after a moment ‘If you're going to tell me a story of an alien abduction, I might have difficulties in believing that, but I will never doubt you. I will believe that it is what you think.’

‘It might not be… that strange, but thanks, I guess.’ Jongin smiles, but becomes serious soon after. ’It’s something that I’ve given much thought. At first I was sure that if I just stopped thinking about it, it would go away, but… it doesn’t seem to be happening. I just really don’t want to lose you, Kyungsoo. If there is one person in my life, apart from my family, that I would not survive losing, it’s you.’

‘Jongin, is something wrong? You’re not making much sense.’ Kyungsoo turns his eyes to his best friend, worried.

‘Would you believe me if I told you that I’ve fallen in love with you?’

The scratching sound that Kyungsoo’s sleeves make against the sides of his down jacket stop at once. In fact, it seems to him that the whole world around him has stopped turning.

‘Would you believe me? These past couple of months have been so… crazy, but they’ve opened my eyes in so many ways. It had never occurred to me to look at you this way, but once I started, I just couldn’t stop. Ever since exams, I’ve been trashing on my bed every night, wondering how stupid I must have been to look at you every day but never really see you.’ Jongin finally looks at him and Kyungsoo’s month opens ajar in wonder. ‘I just… we’re best friends. This must be very awkward for you right now, I know, but I couldn’t not act on it. I just really don’t want to lose you-‘

‘I believe you.’ Kyungsoo finally whispers, even if the time for that answer’s passed a while ago. ‘You would never play with my feelings like that. You would never say these things out of pity either.’

‘Pity? What are you talking about? All I want is to let you know that even if you can’t accept this, I’ll always be your friend no matter what. Always. You don’t have to feel uncomfortable around me.’ Jongin reassures, looking down at Kyungsoo’s palm that he has been squeezing the whole time.

‘I won’t be. If you say it, then it must be true.’ Kyungsoo repeats again somewhat numbly, more to make himself believe the words. His hand eventually slips out of Jongin’s, as the former stands up  and mindlessly approaches the river, deep in thought.

After what feels like forever, Jongin joins him. He starts kicking invisible pebbles, hands deep in his pockets, and Kyungsoo knows that the other is nervous.

‘Kyung, say something. Anything, please. Anything would be good right now.’ Jongin pleads quietly.

‘I’m in love with you, Jongin.’ The taller looks at his friend, mildly taken aback. ‘That’s the only thing that I can reply with. That’s the only thing I’ve wanted to tell you for the past 4 years.’ Kyungsoo finally looks up to him. His voice is even quieter than usual, but his eyes look to Jongin trustfully.

‘Four years?’ Jongin latches onto the last part, numb with too much emotion.

‘I’ve been hoping that someday, I will be able to, so… thank you.’

‘Kyungsoo, you’ve been in love with me for four years?’ Jongin’s hands grab the other’s shoulders – not harshly, but enough to make his whole body turn around in Jongin’s direction. Kyungsoo slowly nods. ‘Why… why wouldn’t you tell me?!’ He asks louder than he’s intended to, feeling angry out of a sudden. At himself, mostly. ‘I couldn’t stand a month without not confessing to you, how did you… how could you carry something so heavy with you all this time?’

‘Because I knew that your heart was not with me.’ Kyungsoo replies simply. ‘You never once looked at me like I wanted you to, and I treasured your company more than anything. I told you, didn’t I? That I would be all right as long as you have somebody that you really care about. Even if that somebody isn’t me.’

‘That’s… so stupid.’ Jongin huffs, not sure whether he’s more annoyed or ecstatic. ‘You always have to fight for what you want, Kyung.’

‘Fighting for love have no meaning. If you don’t come to me, then I don’t want to be the one to hunt you or try to tie you down through our friendship. If you don’t come to me because you want me, then it has no meaning.’ Kyungsoo repeats.

‘But… but if you had been forward, I would have noticed you a earlier.’ Jongin argues weakly, taking Kyungsoo’s hand in his own. The latter willingly extends it and marvels at their intertwined fingers.

‘Maybe you wouldn’t have. Everything in life has a purpose. Maybe me waiting for you all this time also does. You chose me when you were no longer attached to Baekhyun or Sehun. You fell in love with me, not because I was a rebound or because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings as your best friend. You fell in love with me for me.’

It’s nearing to seven o’clock when the boys finally make it back to their street. It’s dark outside already as they walk to Kyungsoo’s house hand in hand. They only stop at the porch, facing each other.

‘There are so many things that I still want to talk to you about.’ Jongin his lips, suddenly feeling shy. Kyungsoo squeezes his hand.

‘I’ll be here, we have a lot of time.’ They share a small smile. Neither of them is willing to move, before finally, Jongin reluctantly pulls away.

‘You should go inside, it’s really cold. I hope you don’t catch a cold after today.’ He’s already stepped out from the porch after giving Kyungsoo one last smile, before the latter calls out to him.

‘Jongin.’ The said boy turns around. ‘Can I ask you something? Would you kiss me now? Not tomorrow, but right now? I’ve waited for so long, I don’t think I can take another day.’ He whispers and Jongin turns around at the words, approaching him again. They stare at each other for a moment, before Jongin lowers his head and he catches his boyfriend’s lips in his.

It may be Kyungsoo’s first proper kiss, but it’s definitely one of the best kisses he’s been and probably will be, on the receiving end of.  They both run out of breath, but connect their lips as soon as the oxygen has hit their lungs again. The kiss is slow but somewhat urgent. It’s hot, the hottest it can get in this freezing weather.

Kyungsoo feels like they’ve kissed for a long time, before the porch suddenly lights up and Kyungsoo’s mother abruptly opens the door.

‘What have I told you about-‘ Kyungsoo and Jongin barely have time to break their kiss, still in each other’s arms, before they turn around and see the woman looking at them in astonishment. She quickly collects herself, though.

‘I’m sorry.’ She looks very apologetic when she closes the door again. Seeing the horror on Kyungsoo’s face, Jongin chuckles.

‘You should go inside.’ He pecks the shorter one more time and grabs his own forgotten bag from the floor. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’

Kyungsoo finds his mother in the kitchen, busying herself with washing dishes. Kyungsoo knows that she’s never been a busybody and he’s not obliged to tell her anything, but perhaps that’s the exact reason why he wants to explain the situation to her.

‘I thought it was your sister. She always lets a different boy take her home and I just wanted to embarrass her for always sneaking around.’ She says to nobody in particular, making sure that Kyungsoo has his space. He sits down on the nearest chair.

‘It’s not what it looked like.’ He starts. She raises her eyebrows in disbelief and probably for the first time in his life, Do Kyungsoo blushes. ‘I mean, it is… It’s just that Jongin confessed to me today. That was our first kiss.’ He whispers.

When he looks at his mother again, her expression is even more apologetic.

‘I’m terribly sorry, I really didn’t mean to ruin it for you.’ Kyungsoo shrugs timidly.

‘It’s ok. We’d been standing there for quite a while.’

His mother wipes her hands in a towel and sits down next to him.

‘Jongin is such a nice boy, I’m sure he will treat you right. I’m really happy for you.’

‘I’m pretty happy for myself, too.’ Kyungsoo says and lets out the elated laughter he’s been holding in. It’s only at this point that it really downs on him: he loves Jongin. And Jongin loves him back.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun often ask them to go double dating and end up being mushy and loud by themselves, while Kyungsoo and Jongin dutifully trail behind their friends, holding hands. They don’t mind too much, though, because as soon as they link their hands, they are also in their own world. If Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s love is crazy roller coaster rides and sickening amounts of cotton candy, Kyungsoo and Jongin’s is sitting in the park, sipping hot coffee and reading books together.

Naturally, Kyungsoo discards the idea of studying abroad and never mentions it to anyone again. He is accepted into Seoul National University’s medical department with a fourth score on the national scale, while Jongin eventually lands good enough marks to make it to Hongik University’s graphic design department.

Anything to get away from chemistry.

They are not within each other’s close proximity, but Jongin figures that they have enough time to come up with some sort of satisfactory solution once they’ve got out of the obligatory dormitory stay.  Chanyeol and Baekhyun, who end up rooming together at Koryo, bug them about moving in together after the first semester, to which Kyungsoo has only one reply:

‘No chance in hell.’ Not even dating Jongin could soften his straight-forwardness.

Jongin looks ahead, where his friends are still bickering, seeming to never run out of steam to argue just for the sake of it, and then he turns to his boyfriend. He lifts their linked palms and kisses the top of Kyungsoo’s lightly.

‘What was that for?’ The latter inquires, surprised. Jongin shrugs, smiling.

‘For everything… but mostly, for not being like those two over there.’ He points to Baekhyun running away from Chanyeol. Kyungsoo laughs out loud. He’s been doing that a lot more often, ever since they became a couple over 7 months ago.

‘Anytime.’ He replies, and they yet again fall into a comfortable silence as they walk slowly towards the ice cream stand in front of them, where the other two are already waiting.

Today is a good day.