Without You

            Despite Kyuhyun’s plea for me to stay, I still planned on leaving.  Eunhyuk and Donghae helped me move most of my personal belongings back to my parents’ house.  I kept a few things at the dorms, in case I needed to spend the occasional night there.  And my furniture stayed, since I still had furniture in my bedroom at my parents’ house.  Kyuhyun was busy when I moved everything.  I’d planned it that way ahead of time, to be honest.  I knew he would refuse to help because he didn’t want me to go, but I even worried that he might actually hinder me from leaving.

            The first few nights at my parents’ house were horrible.  Of course, I loved spending time with them again.  Mom and I are particularly close.  But I tossed and turned in bed.  I told myself that the reason was simply because of the new place to sleep.  I wasn’t used to it, but that wasn’t the truth and I knew it.  So did my mother.

            “You aren’t getting enough sleep this way,” she pointed out one afternoon as we were eating breakfast.  “On the days that you have practice for your play and then deejay at night, you won’t get enough rest if you’re running all the way here just to get a few hours of sleep.  And you’ll be too busy to spend any time with me, so what’s the point?”

            “But I promised you.  It won’t bother me, even when practice starts.  I’ll make up on sleep on the weekends.”

            “You should just stay at the dorm during the week and visit on the weekends.  I’m sure that Kyuhyun isn’t sleeping well since you’ve left as well.”

            “He’s not alone right now.  Hyuk’s still there for a few weeks yet,” I informed her.

            “That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it.”

            I nearly dropped the coffee mug I was drinking out of.  I managed to swallow the mouthful of coffee I’d sipped, but I started coughing the moment it was down.  My mother rounded the table and began to pat my back. 

            “Did you think I didn’t know?” she asked.  “I could tell for years now that you were more than friends.  A mother can see things like that…even subtle changes in her child.”

            I covered my face with my hands, feeling my emotions overwhelming me again.

            “You’ve been a wreck since you’ve moved back and I know it’s because you can’t stand to be so far away from him.  Why don’t you go home tomorrow?  At least for a night or two,” she suggested.

            “This is home,” I told her.

            “This is not where you want to be and we both know it.”

            I held out a little longer.  I’m stubborn, but finally the wear of travelling so much was starting to get to me.  And then there was Kyuhyun.  He text or called every day, sounding miserable, telling me how much he missed me.  He begged to go out for drinks after work.  Anything to see me. 

            The night before Super Camp, I decided to go back to the dorm for the night.  It would be easier than travelling early in the morning after recording late at night.  It would allow me to get more sleep.  But I didn’t warn Kyuhyun or Eunhyuk ahead of time.  I just showed up.  When I walked into the dorm, Hyuk ran to the door to meet me, surprised to hear someone coming in so late.  He’d been watching television and smiled wide at seeing me. 

            “Are you staying here tonight?” he asked.

            I nodded and he gave me a suffocating hug.  “Ah, I missed you so much already!”

            “I missed you too.  Is Kyuhyun home?”

            Just then, I heard a bellowing coughing coming from Kyuhyun’s bedroom and my heart sank.  He’d never let on to me that he wasn’t feeling well. 

            “He’s already in bed, but I doubt he’ll get much sleep,” Eunhyuk said, glancing down the hall to Kyuhyun’s room.  “He’s been sick for a couple days now and he sounds like he’s getting worse.  I think his immune system is down.  He hadn’t been sleeping well for days before that.

            Guilt swept over me.  Even if Eunhyuk didn’t know who to blame for making Kyuhyun feel restless and stressed, I did.

            “I think I’ll go check on him.  Then I’ll make us a big breakfast in the morning so that he eats healthy before the event,” I told Eunhyuk.

            Eunhyuk gave me a crooked smile.  “Ah, I’ve missed your cooking too.  Even the healthy kind!”

            I pat his back and headed for Kyuhyun’s room.  Honestly, I only planned to check on him.  I quietly opened the door and practically tiptoed over to the bed.  Kyuhyun was lying on his back, his forehead covered with sweat from a fever.  Had he even taken anything for this?  He coughed loud, his voice sounding hoarse.  He would barely be able to talk tomorrow if I left him like this.  I quickly exited the room and went back to the kitchen to make tea.  Then I went to track down all our medicines in the dorm.  We have some really good herbal supplements and cold remedies, but Kyuhyun never seems to know what to take whenever he’s sick. 

            When the tea was ready, I returned to his room with a cup and handful of pills for him to take.  I set them down on his nightstand and then sat down on the edge of the mattress.  Then I took a wet washcloth and began to wipe away the sweat from his face.  His eyes immediately opened.

            “Ryeonggu.”

            “You should have told me you were sick.”

            “Would you have come faster?” he asked, sitting up.

            “Probably,” I admitted.  Seeing him sick always put me into action.

            “I don’t want you to come back because you feel sorry for me.  I want you to come back because you miss me,” he told me, a hint of anger in his voice.

            “I didn’t know you were sick until I arrived and heard you coughing,” I said, reaching over to grasp his hand.  “My mother told me that I ought to come back to the dorms, since she knows I sleep better here.  She’s always known more than she’s let on, apparently.”

            “She knows about us?” he asked, his eyes widening.

            I nodded.

            “And you didn’t deny it?”

            “Should I have?  I don’t think she would have believed me.”

            “No,” he said, suddenly grabbing onto me and hugging tight.  “I just never thought you’d tell your mother about us.  I’m just surprised.”

            I kissed Kyuhyun’s cheek, my affection for him overriding every precaution that warned me against encouraging him.  “I brought you some pills and tea.  You need to take them so you don’t lose your voice for tomorrow.”

            “I will if you promise not to leave me, even when I’m asleep.”

            “I can’t stay in here with you.  Eunhyuk’s home.  He’ll wonder about it.”

            “You must be joking,” Kyuhyun said, kissing me several times on the cheek in return.  “He’s always known.  I mean…he knew before I even did.”

            I pulled away from Kyuhyun and looked into his eyes.  “Hyuk knows about us?”

            Kyuhyun nodded. 

            “That explains so much, doesn’t it?” I said, thinking back to our vacation together in Greece and the billion times he’s inadvertently saved our asses from being caught.  Now that I think back to them all, it’s clear that he had to have known or he would have figured it out along the way. 

            Kyuhyun took his pills and drank down some of his tea.  Then he grabbed me and pulled me into bed with him and I didn’t object.  I stripped off my clothes and cuddled next to him in bed.  We didn’t do anything except hold one another and talk for a little while until Kyuhyun was too sleepy to think straight anymore.