Hard to Say Good-bye

            Ever since I first met Kyuhyun, I was drawn to him.  That’s probably putting it too lightly.  If you compared it to a magnetic force—how metal is attracted to a magnet—or to gravity and how you inevitably fall to the ground from any height, my fall for him felt much harder.  After my first conversation with him, my heart beat hard in my chest and I felt almost lightheaded, but it would be months before I would willingly own up to those feelings being love, even to myself.  I was in denial for a long time.  All I know is that I could not fall asleep that first night after he joined our group.  I just stared up at the ceiling with the silliest grin on my face, replaying our conversation in my head. 

            Finally, there was someone in our group that seemed to have a personality that fit mine.  Secretly, I’d always been kind of evil.  I’m a good maknae to my hyungs—I always cooked for them and cleaned up after them—but I’m also a prankster by nature and I was relieved to find that Kyuhyun was as well.  He also had a quirky sense of humor that wasn’t as outlandish as Heechul’s could be, but he knew exactly the right words to whisper in my ear in the middle of a dance practice to make me laugh.  Although us bursting out into laughter generally got us into a good deal of trouble the first few years we were together.  But I’d rather get in trouble with him than be by myself, bored and alone. 

            As the years went by, I couldn’t deny what I felt for my favorite bandmate anymore.  I’d long since considered him my closest friend, but I couldn’t tell him one of the deepest secrets of my heart, and that bothered me.  Remaining his friend and coworker—seeing him every day—was difficult.  I both loved and hated it at the same time because I knew I would simply die if I ever had to part with him, but being around him all the time, being as close as we were, without ever having more was killing me. 

            When we finally proved successful enough of a group that we would be around for a while, the company leased us a second dorm and I begged to be put into the top dorm, away from Kyuhyun.  Most of the members thought we should room together, since we were such good friends, so I had to tell a couple people the truth.  I told Sungmin, who is also a very close friend of mine.  In order to help keep Kyuhyun downstairs, he offered to share a room with him still.  He claimed that they got along too well as roommates to split up.  The other one I told was Heechul.  After all, no one could be more sympathetic to the plights of a secretly gay man than another gay man.  So Heechul pitched a fit about wanting me up there with them so I could cook for them and help keep the apartment clean.  And Leeteuk nearly always gives in to Heechul.  Heechul is wise about when to fight Leeteuk on something and rarely does it, but when he does, Leeteuk knows that it is for an important reason.  It was likely that Leeteuk knew there was more than I was letting onto after Heechul sided with me, even if he had no clue what it was, but he trusted that Heechul wouldn’t take my side without good reason.  Great leadership operates like that.

            So, I moved upstairs, much to Kyuhyun’s disappointment, but it kept me safe from spending too much time with him.  And he was mostly shooed away if he came up late at night.  He wasn’t able to sneak into bed with me anymore.  Thank God!  Few things were as dangerous as that.  But that didn’t eliminate all the dangers.  We still roomed together on the road.

            Eventually, when we were touring with SJM for a stretch and sleeping in the same hotel room together for several days in a row, things took an unexpected turn.  Kyuhyun had fallen asleep in my bed again.  He did that often.  Sometimes we were in the middle of watching something when he nodded off, sometimes we’d just gotten back after drinking with the others and we were too drunk to care where we slept, but I never had the heart to go to the other bed to sleep.  I always stayed with him. 

            That particular night, we both passed out in the same bed together and I remember waking up in the middle of the night and Kyuhyun had his arms wrapped around me tight.  In the darkness, I lay there smiling like a lovesick idiot, my back pressed against his chest.  Finally, I brought my hands up and covered his with mine, squeezing them gently.  Moments like that were so fleeting, after all. 

            “Ryeowook,” he said, his voice a rough whisper in my ear.

            “Kyu…you’re awake!” 

            I was startled and quickly released his hands, but Kyuhyun grabbed onto them again and wrapped his arms around me even tighter than before.  The strange thing is, I was shaking out of nervousness at being caught touching him like that, but the feel of him holding me close also made me feel safe and centered.  I was a complete mess of emotions.

            “Tell me you love me,” he said, resting his chin on my shoulder.

            “But I…I always say that.  You know I do,” I told him.  I couldn’t say those words while we were in bed together, especially when he was holding me like that.  He would hear the emotions behind them and then he’d know everything.  And that was what I feared more than anything else in the entire world at that point.  If Kyuhyun found out that not only I was gay, but also what I felt for him, I feared that our friendship would never recover.

            “No.  That’s not what I mean,” he said, sighing heavily.

            My brows furrowed as I looked over my shoulder at him.  “I don’t understand.”

            Kyuhyun stared into my eyes and it felt as if he was gazing into my bared soul.  He must have seen what he was looking for because after a moment, he reached up to touch my cheek and then leaned forward to kiss me.  After a moment, he pulled away enough to look at me and I remember staring at him with wide eyes, utterly stunned and telling myself that I must still be dreaming.  There was no way it could possibly be real.

            “You can love as many people as you want, but tell me that you’re only in love with me.”

            I turned to face him, laying down on my back.  I felt far too overwhelmed to speak.  My lips were trembling and my eyes were watering with unshed tears.  All I could do was nod and silently mouth yes to him.  That was apparently enough.  He never gave me the chance to say another word for a very long time.  We were far too busy hugging, kissing, crying, and touching each other in ways we’d never allowed ourselves to before. 

            Ever since then, we’ve been secret lovers.  Or not so secret lovers.  A few members have figured it out over time.  Heechul knew the moment we returned.  He could tell just be observing us and he made me fess u