Choosing a Road

            I went back to my parents’ house after spending the weekend with Kyuhyun.  This lasted two days.  Then I was back to spending at least every other night at the dorm.  The following weekend, I made no pretense to leave Kyuhyun and stayed with him.  It was Chuseok weekend and my parents were leaving to visit relatives anyway.  Kyuhyun was going to be working part of the time, but we would still celebrate together when he got back home.  I was going to pick up some songpyeon and he’d already bought rice wine, since he has preferences on every type of wine. 

            When I woke up, I noticed that Kyuhyun had posted a tweet, complaining about working on the holiday weekend.  I sleepily typed in a response about feeling bad because he’d left at dawn.  When I finally shuffled out of the bedroom, I found Eunhyuk watching television.  He shook his head at me.

            “How did you know that Kyuhyun left at dawn?” he questioned, his brows rising.

            “Because I woke up as he was getting up, of course,” I responded moodily, not understanding him at all. 

            “I realize that…and our fans are probably going to realize that as well.  How do you know what time he left the dorm?  You live with your parents.”

            My jaw dropped open.  Then I shrieked.  Oh my God, I’d practically outed us on Twitter!  What the hell was I thinking?  I ran to the bedroom to get my phone, eager to send Kyuhyun a text and ask him what I should do about it, but I looked at his response and realized he was already on top of it.  He asked me to return to the house to clean up the washroom.  In fact, I had left my hair and skin products all over the sink counter the night before and Kyuhyun teased me as he got into bed, admitting that there was one little thing he didn’t miss when I was gone, and it was the mess I always left in the bathroom.  After I’d left, there was little more in the bathroom than one bottle of shampoo that both he and Eunhyuk shared and a couple bars of soap.  That was it. 

            I also noticed there was a text from Kyuhyun and I looked at it. 

            You shouldn’t be allowed to tweet until you’ve had some coffee.

            I rolled my eyes, but it was kind of the truth.  I’m sorry about that.  Thanks for fixing it.

            You should be sorry.  I didn’t want to.  I’d rather everyone knew you’re mine.

            Be good.  I’ll see you later.

            All right.  I love you. 

            I smiled at seeing those words written out and rubbed my finger over the screen.  I love you too.

            Damn, he really did act like a boyfriend sometimes.  It was hard to keep telling myself that he wasn’t really going to be mine.  Not forever, like I wanted.  Although Kyuhyun seemed to expect that we should stay together, which was silly.  And dangerous.  What had happened with me tweeting about seeing him leave at dawn was proof of this.  Eventually, people would find out.  One of us would slip up or someone would walk in on us or just general suspicion about our close relationship would cause the media to question what was really going on behind the scenes.  Then our careers would be over, we’d humiliate our families, and we would have nothing left.  Probably not even each other.  Staying at the dorm was just me fooling myself, letting myself play house with him when in reality, this would never happen and we both knew it. 

            “I love you,” I said, sitting on his bed, looking at his text again.  “But I wish I didn’t.”

            Again, I grew more cautious and after spending the weekend with Kyuhyun, I went back to going home again.  And it lasted a few weeks.  I was determined to make it work.  Eunhyuk left for his enlistment during that time, which made staying away even harder.  Kyuhyun was all alone.  He hated being alone.  On top of that, there was no one watching over him.  What if he wasn’t sleeping well?  What if he wasn’t eating the right foods? 

            I just had to trust that everything was going well.  If I couldn’t to that after moving to my parents, would I ever be able to?  If I couldn’t find a way to make a clean break from him at that point, I knew that I’d probably never be able to do it.  Even if we were away from each other for a couple years during our enlistments, I feared that the time away would only make us more desperate to see each other.  I did not think that it would create a distance that we couldn’t surmount. 

            Not being able to call up Eunhyuk to tell me how Kyuhyun was doing killed me.  Of course, I heard from Kyuhyun.  Daily.  In fact, I kind of dreaded his texts and calls because I knew at some point he would ask me when we could go out together again or if I’d come over.  I always claimed ignorance, but the guilt was weighing heavy on me.  I knew it would not take him long to figure out that I was purposely avoiding him.  He’s far too smart for his own good.  Especially when it comes to me.  He’s like the Ryeowook expert.  He may even be better at reading my moods than my mother after being with me for so long.

            So, the day I received his ultimatum text shouldn’t have surprised me.  I should have seen it coming.  But I didn’t.  I was at the radio station, halfway through my broadcast, when Kyuhyun text me.  When I opened it, I had to fight to hide my shock from my coworkers as I read through it and the subsequent texts that followed.

            I’m tired of you ignoring me.  Time to talk about it.  You have three choices…

            I felt sick to my stomach, but looked over at the radio station staff and smiled at them through the window.  A new song had just begun and I decided to get up and make it look like I was headed to the bathroom, in case this got ugly.  They knew to play another song in case I took too long.  When I was in the hallway, I opened the second text.

            1-You can come over here after work and we can discuss why you’re avoiding me.

            I softly cursed under my breath because I knew, from personal experience in fighting with my lover for the last several years, that this was probably going to be the only decent option in the group.  I walked into the bathroom and locked the door behind me.  Then I opened the third text. 

            2-Or I can come see you at your parents’ house tomorrow in Incheon and we can talk there.

            “Ooooh…not good,” I said to myself, shaking my head.  “What’s option number three?”

            The fourth text came and I winced reading it.  3-Or I can come to the station when you’re working and we can talk after you’re done.  Your pick.

            “You’re such a bastard when you want to be,” I said, dialing his number.  I looked myself over in the mirror, thankful that I took the time to do my hair and makeup that day, since it was clear that I wasn’t heading home after work.  Kyuhyun picked up after two rings. 

            “Ryeonggu!” he cheerfully answered.

            “Why are you doing this?” I asked, exasperated. 

            “Because you’re avoiding me and it’s getting weird.  We need to talk about what’s going on.”

            “Can’t I just call you after work?”

            “No.”

            “Yes, I can,” I insisted.  “It will take less time.  I have practice tomorrow morning and if I’m there late, I won’t get any sleep.”

            “You can just sleep here then,” he offered.

            “Absolutely not.”

            “What’s the real objection?  Sleeping together?”

            I refused to answer that question.  Not on the phone.  Definitely not while I was supposed to be working.  We didn’t need to start that conversation yet.

            “If that’s the case, I promise to sleep in my own room and you can sleep in yours.  Deal?”

            “Fine,” I said, running my hand through my hair in aggravation.  “I’ll stop by when I’m finished, but I’m not spending the night.”

            “Okay.  I’ll see you later.  I love you.”

            I was too angry to respond and just hung up the phone.  He can be so damn stubborn sometimes and it infuriates me.  He knows exactly what to do or say that will manipulate me into doing what he wants.  He was wise enough not to text me again and let me finish the rest of my broadcast in peace, but my anger at being coerced into coming to see him hadn’t dis