The incessant ringing of a phone cuts through his fog of sleep.

Shut up- shut up- shut up

Somehow, it does, the ringtone ending abruptly. Kris can feel Tao shift next to him and mumble something out, burying his face deeper into the pillow.

Kris can already feel sleep beckoning him back in, and he doesn’t respond, merely pulling the duvet over his head- when the ringing starts again.

It’s Tao’s iPhone, on the bed stand on Tao’s side of the bed. The younger didn’t show any sign of answering the call, snuffling into the pillow and vaguely turning his body in the direction of the tune.

Wrenching himself up off the comforting softness, Kris leant over, reaching for the phone, when Tao’s arm suddenly shoots up, blocking him.

“I’ll get it.”

He looks down, greeted by Tao’s surprisingly alert eyes peeking out from below the duvet.

“…okay,” he concedes, sitting back down on their mattress before checking his own phone.

8:04 a.m.

Definitely much too early to be awake. Who would even be calling at this time?

Tao grabs his phone, checking the caller ID before rolling out of bed and walking out of the room entirely.

Kris can hear soft conversation through the half closed door, accompanied by gentle laughs and hums of agreement.

It goes on for another minute before Tao is striding back in, pulling an oversized T-shirt off and grabbing a towel.

“Going somewhere?”

“Suho called, he wants to go on a coffee date. Said he’s treating me to a vanilla caramel latte,” Tao laughs, “As if that would have convinced me.”

“Well it certainly did, didn’t it.”

Tao smiles, hitting Kris on the shoulder as he passed by. “I do actually enjoy spending time with him.”

Pulling the duvet off, Kris stands and stretches, feeling his spine untwist and pop, a sharp crack from between his shoulder blades.

“Don’t you think you spend a lot of time with him?”

“Not as much time as I spend with you,” Tao retorts, the ghost of a laugh in his tone; the sound of the bathroom door closing ending their banter.

-

The coffee machine hisses and splutters, choking out a few precious drops of java into his waiting mug.

Kris squints angrily at it, slapping it lightly on the side and growling.

In response, it coughs out another few drops before emitting a beep, the hissing and whirring stopping.

Half a mug- not bad, considering its age, and the condition they got it in.

Before he was picked up by an established company, and before Tao’s graduation, they had both been broke college students, moving in together. They had been best friends.

They had toughed out nights with broken heating, swathed in a duvet and several threadbare blankets, relying on each other’s warmth to survive the chilly autumn nights. It was easy to think of it as an extended sleepover, much like the ones they used to have in high school, where they would shut off the heater and pretend they were camping outdoors (while having the luxury of being indoors and having mugs of hot chocolate at their disposal.)

Kris would smile to himself at night, reliving the old memories in his dreams.

He had stayed in his parent’s house for his first three years of college, but when it came time for Tao to apply, they had mutually decided to try being independent and rent out an apartment together.

It was just like having another adventure.

Except- now that they were in college, it was part-time jobs and scrounging up loose change wherever possible.

They had managed to feed themselves, budgeting relentlessly on allowances, cutting down on wants, and focusing on basic necessities. Even hot water had become more of a luxury, available when their landlord was being kind, and pulling through with chilling sprays other days.

They had pushed each other during exams, a reassuring presence during stressful times in college. Depression and peer-pressure was commonly faced amongst their fellow students; some resorting to therapy, others resorting to drugs, but luckily, neither had fallen victim to it.

In the end, it had been all worth it, when Kris graduated, holding up his diploma in victory, a position in an elite company already under his belt.

Within a few months, they had all debts paid; within a year, they were able to move out into a better flat, in a pleasant neighborhood closer to the city.

Most of their old furniture had been left behind, except for the very few chosen to be brought, the memories too much to leave behind. One of which, was their coffee maker. 4 years old and pushing its fifth, it could barely start up some days, rattling its way through in order to squeeze out the caffeine charged liquid.

Kris ran his finger along the seam, taped up with duct tape to avoid it from falling apart. Back then, it was their savior on the night before a test, cram studying and forcing information in.

Tao would stay up early into the morning with Kris, brewing coffee and watching the elder bury his head in thick textbooks.

They couldn’t afford much, but they could always afford a fresh bag of coffee beans.

Well- actually it was sponsored by Kris’ parents, because as much as they liked to pretend they were independent, the pay from part-time jobs was equivalent to peanuts, and coffee was certainly not a necessity.

“Studying late into the night alone can do things to your mental state,” Tao would preach, the coffee in his mug sloshing around. “I’ll stay awake and accompany you.”

Their long nights were spent poring over notes together and laughing about the test, predicting questions and Kris being denied coffee when he got the answers horribly wrong.

At some point, Kris had stopped seeing Tao as just a friend.

Maybe it had been on one of their caffeine charged nights, throttling through notes and references, while talking animatedly about the future. Maybe it had been the day after the test, when Kris came running back into the flat, an A+ on the paper, Tao giving him an overexcited hug. Maybe it had been the day Tao came home and loudly announced he had a date on Saturday, with someone who wasn’t Kris. 

Kris wasn’t someone who didn’t like sharing, quite the opposite actually. He was the man who gave you a pencil, when you forgot one during the test. He was the man who gave you half his sandwich when you forgot your lunch during recess. He was the man who handed you a napkin when you accidentally spilled crumbs on yourself.

But in that moment, Kris had felt so incredibly protective of Tao (or was the more suitable word, possessive?). So much, that even he was confusing himself with the unnecessarily strong surge of emotions over the simple notion that Tao was going on a date.

He managed to convince himself that he was merely exacting his best friend role, making sure Tao didn’t end up with the wrong guy. He also convinced himself that he was rather possessive of his best friend. You never know who could come along and whip them away from under your nose.

-

“Tao.”

“Yes, Kris?”

Kris frowns, reclining into their lumpy sofa, stretching his long limbs. “Are you sure you want to go on this date?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Tao holds up his fingers, counting,” I haven’t gone on one in two years. Pretty sure my love life needs a push y’know. Can’t stay single forever eh?”

“No, you can’t,” Kris agrees, although his expression darkens a little.

Always alert, Tao picks up easily on Kris’ cues, approaching him and settling on the sofa as well, placing a reassuring hand on the elders arm.

“Hey, just because I’m going on a date doesn’t mean we won’t spend time together anymore. Best friends forever, Kris,” he smiles. “I always put my friends first, and don’t you forget that.”

 

Friends.

Is that all he’s destined to be with Tao?

 

Kris gives Tao a forced smile, nodding in agreement. “Best friends forever.”

-

The days pass by quickly, and soon Saturday is looming over him, a constant nag in the back of his mind, and for the life of him, Kris can’t figure out why it’s still bugging him relentlessly.

Being around Tao had distracted him initially; the jokes and usual banter taking his mind off, but soon, being around Tao had aggravated it.

Late in the night, lying on their shared mattress with Tao by his side, he finds himself thinking about Tao’s date. Would he be tall? Handsome? Funny? Would he be rich and able to provide Tao a luxurious life, compared to their current living conditions? Would Tao enjoy his company more than Kris’?

Frowning, Kris pinches the bridge of his nose, forcing the thoughts out of his head. His ‘concerned best friend mood’ was coming on strong today. Actually, now that he considered it, it had been, the previous days as well.

 In fact, when had he not been in his ‘concerned best friend mood’ last?

It was frustrating, not being able to sort out his feelings. Every time his brain would bring it up, he himself would procrastinate on thinking about it, telling himself, I’ll think about it before bed tonight, figure it out, but he never does. Was he really just being an overprotective friend? Or was there something else?

-

12:00a.m., Saturday.

Kris tears his gaze off the clock, instead settling it on Tao’s sleeping form, watching as the moonlight plays with the shadows and creates patterns on his skin.

Does he really have the guts to admit it to Tao, and most importantly, to admit it to himself.

That every time he wakes up in the morning, he finds himself falling a little further in love with his best friend of 9 years, Tao.

-

The next morning isn’t so different from the usual, but he wakes up alone, the sheets tangled around his waist.

The air is cool, and a breeze is blowing through the open window.

Despite having been in this situation before, waking up alone when Tao had classes and he didn’t, it was different today.

Kris can feel a surge of resentment, but he doesn’t know if it’s directed to Tao, Tao’s date, or himself- or maybe even all three.

 

When Tao returns in the evening, bidding someone outside the door goodbye, a smile on his face, Kris stares at the wall stormily, kneading the armrest to release his frustration.

He couldn’t tell Tao not to go out- he had no right; but at the same time, something instinctual was telling him to defend what was his.

Except that, he had never even owned Tao in the first place.

“Hey, Kris,” a gentle touch on his shoulder, “Are you okay? Did something happen? You don’t look too happy.”

Brusquely brushing off Tao’s hand, the angry little feeling in his gut snapping at the contact, Kris stands up, heading to their bedroom, “I’m fine. How was your…date?”

Even with all of his combined efforts, the word still slipped out a little more harshly than usual, the veiled venom lacing it.

Tao lets out a soft laugh, padding after Kris, dropping his bag on the floor. “It was good. Wanna listen?”

Almost immediately, Kris responds, a grimace on his face.

“No thanks. I’m a little tired tonight, gonna crash early,” he lies smoothly. Truth was, if he actually had to listen to Tao’s recount of the night, he might snap, and something he would regret saying would definitely escape his mouth. “History test was difficult, took a lot out of me.”

Pulling his shirt off and lying down, he can feel the mattress shift under an added weight, Tao’s slender fingers kneading his shoulder, and sending jolts to his stomach.

“Kris, come on. I know you’re used to staying up late. I know you’re lying,” a soft giggle, “Hey, are you jealous?”

“I’m not anything, Tao,” he forces out, biting back unrequited harsher words.

“Kriiissss, I know you-”

“-you don’t know anything, Tao. Drop it,” Kris snaps, finalizing the conversation by turning his back to the younger.

He misses the surprised look that graces Tao’s face, laced with concern.

-

The next few days are pure torture, the tension hanging thick between them. Something had been off since the moment they had woken up on Sunday.

Tao acted like he was walking on eggshells around Kris, careful as if he was interacting with an injured animal.

In a way, Kris did feel like he had been injured, a twinge in his heart reminding him otherwise.

When joking around, it was weak and restrained, any arguments would fizzle out quickly, and even simple chats were a rare occurrence. The subject of Tao’s date was danced around, Saturday never brought up in whatever interactions they had.

They keep the façade going for another week, and it’s severely affecting the mood in the house.

 Conversations were short and awkward, any contact was treated as if touching a hot surface. Tao had jerked back when Kris accidentally brushed by his elbow in their cramped kitchen, his expression dancing between concern and annoyance.

 

Since when had it become this way?

 

Oh, that’s right, when Kris had started feeling a little more than friendly toward his best friend.

 He had chastised himself for letting things get out of hand, but it was better this way, wasn’t it? If they drifted apart a little, maybe Kris’ feelings would drift away with it too. It was incredibly selfish of him to think that way, but Kris was convinced it was the only way to keep Tao at least as a friend.

He began to find solace in his old friend, Lay. They had known each other since childhood, but Kris had never been particularly close with Lay, their interests lying in other areas.

However, lately, even Lay’s quiet accompaniment was more ideal than the tensed atmosphere with Tao.

-

Or maybe not

Someone up there must really have a grudge against Kris.

-

“What do you see Tao as?”

Lay once again casually interrupted Kris in his speech.

“What are you talking about? He’s my best friend of course,” Kris sends an incredulous look at Lay, the latter slowly sipping his coffee.

“You really like to talk about him.”

“Well, we have known each other for years, and he’s my closest friend.”

Frowning, Lay assaulted Kris with a barrage of words.

“You call me up out of nowhere, offered to pay for my coffee, citing ‘an argument’ with Tao as the reason you want to get away, yet spend an hour gushing about him. So tell me honestly, Kris.”

Frozen in the middle of a gulp of coffee, a few drops dribble down, making splashes on the table.

“I did not gush-“

“-that wasn’t the point,” Lay stares coolly back at him.

Kris clears his throat nervously, wiping away the coffee with a napkin.

“I…don’t know what you’re trying to say.”

“I’m saying that, you definitely see Tao as more than a friend, whether you realize it or not.”

Was it that painfully obvious?

Kris groans, rubbing his palms over his eyes, his posture giving way to a slouch, weight transferring to his elbows on the table.

-

In the dark, listening to the sound of rain drops pitter-patter on the window, Kris finally gave in.

Tao had been constantly fidgeting next to him, unable to find solace in his sleep.

2:23 a.m., Sunday.

The LED light of the clock glared back at him once again from the shelf set into the wall.

“Kris?”

“…Yeah?”

Tao pauses for a few moments, rubbing his feet together nervously under the blankets, the question nagging in the forefront of his mind.

“You like me…don’t you,” he finally asks, eyes focused on a patch of light on the wall, streaming in from the window.

-

The tension between them had been nearly unbearable for the two weeks since Tao’s unfruitful date attempt. Kris had been acting weirdly since that day, spending much more time immersed in his textbooks over holding casual conversation with Tao.

Refusing to believe they were drifting apart, Tao stubbornly continued conversation, even when it was forced and stilted, like talking to a brick wall.

Even when Kris spent more time with Lay, rather than him- Tao had been hurt, aren’t they best friends? –and came home late at night, ignoring the younger’s concerned questioning and heading straight to bed.

Finally he had given in, and called Lay, despite his own jealousy festering in his heart, making him slightly resent Kris’ newfound friend.  He had grabbed Kris’ phone while the elder was in the shower, scrolling through the contacts and dialing Lay’s number without hesitance.

“Kris?”

“…Is this Lay?”

A pause, before a soft grunt in the affirmative.

“I’m guessing this is Tao,” he laughs softly.

“You’ve been…talking to him a lot,” Tao murmurs softly, biting his lip gently. As much as he knew he shouldn’t be prying into Kris’ business, he was getting ticked off a little more each day.

Weren’t they best friends? Don’t you put your best friends first? Kris had promised.

 

Best friends before girlfriends.

 

“He’s been coming to me a lot. I’m also guessing he doesn’t know you’re talking to me?”

“No, he’s in the shower,” Tao replies bitterly, hating the fact they even have to keep secrets from each other now. It used to be so open and easy, and now they were dancing delicately around something- neither even knew what it was.

“Lay, tell me, please, what’s going on with Kris? He’s been acting so weird, and I’m so worried.”

“I don’t know if I can. He’s sworn me to secrecy.”

“Please. Don’t make me find you, get on my knees and beg. I can’t go much longer, watching him. I know there’s something bothering him.”

Tao hadn’t been joking. He was so desperate to know what was going on in Kris’ head.

“…alright.  I can tell you’re nearing your limit. I would’ve thought Kris told you by now. I won’t tell you explicitly what it is exactly, but I’ll give you a hint.”

Gripping the iPhone tightly, Tao fidgets nervously, playing with a stray thread on the edge of his shirt, knees pulled up to his chest. Would he be able to help Kris through whatever it was that was bothering him? How was Lay able to help where he couldn’t?

Lay barely even knew Kris. Lay didn’t know Kris liked the duvet untucked because it was easier to cocoon in; Lay didn’t know Kris preferred shower gel over bar soap, specifically those menthol ones with a manly scent that Tao himself hated with a passion; and Lay didn’t know Kris liked his shirts hung, not folded.

Lay didn’t know any of that.

“Do you remember that day you went on a date?”

“…yeah, why?”

Well, their conversation had taken a turn. Out of anything Lay could’ve said, Tao really was not expecting that topic to make a reappearance. Kris had insisted, he wasn’t jealous, and Tao himself had reassured him that there would always be enough time to keep their friendship going.

 “It’s still bothering him. And it goes a lot deeper than what you would initially think. Make of that what you will.”

 “What do you mean?”

Lay gives a gentle sigh, a soft chuckle. “He’s still jealous about it, Tao.”

Tao can hear the water stop running, and the slide of the shower door, a grunt as it catches on the frame.

 “I-I have to go, Lay. Kris is done showering. Please don’t speak of this call to him. Thank you,” Tao frantically hangs up, replacing the smartphone, as he pulls his own out and pretends to text someone, brain swirling with new information.

Kris was still bothered by it? Weren’t they over that? Why was he still hung up over it? It taunts him, tempting Tao to call back and insist Lay clarify. 

He thinks long and hard, all day long, his homework long abandoned by the desk. It’s a problem he can’t solve, but it’s also a problem he can’t ask Kris for help on.

-

Kris huffs, a fake laugh forced out, as he turns away, “Of course I like you, we’re best friends, aren’t we?”

Tao can’t miss the way Kris enunciated the phrase, the disconnected way he says it, as if it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.  

“You know what I mean.”

Kris remains silent, staring at the shadows play on the walls, forming abstract shapes.

“Kris,” Tao’s voice insists, and he can feel the soft press of a hand against his back.

He whips around, grabbing Tao’s wrist and leaning in close, feeling a little more courageous in the dark.

“What would you do if I told you I was? Hmm? Would you climb out of bed right now, ending our 9 years of friendship just like that; or would you, even in the slightest chance, reciprocate it.”

Kris gives a cold laugh, dropping a stunned Tao’s wrist from his grasp.

“I guess I’ll never know then, since it’s better if I don’t risk it. God, what a mess,” he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, staring blankly at the ceiling.

Tao pushes himself up onto his elbows, watching Kris carefully.

So his guess really had been correct. Those long hours of painfully slaving over the piece of information Lay had given, racking his brain over and over again, trying to see it from Kris’ perspective, trying to read into his emotions, it wasn’t all for naught.

His best friend of 9 years- Kris –was entirely in love with him. And he hadn’t even noticed.

Instead of feeling angry, or frustrated, Tao felt guilty instead.

Guilt and- a little something else- a small stirring somewhere inside, which had started when he first entertained the notion that Kris might like him a little more than as a friend.

But was he really ready to do this? To sacrifice their friendship? He had read more than enough horror stories of friends-to-lovers not working out.

Maybe that’s what haunted Kris at night, plaguing his thoughts, his dreams. The risks were so large, but the payoff was even better.

Yet there’s something inside of Tao, something that insists that Kris will take care of him, won’t let them fall apart, and even if they do, he’ll be there to fix it again. Just like old times.

He wasn’t a gambler, and he usually lost at their impromptu blackjack games, but Tao was never more sure of a decision in his life.

“Kris.”

Kris doesn’t move an inch, but Tao knows he’s watching him, out of the corner of his eye.

Something life likes to do, and something Kris hates with a burning passion, is to throw a bunch of curveballs, a few bumps, and maybe even a drop along the way. Tao knows Kris hates them, hates when things never go to plan, but Tao lives a life of spontaneity, he takes the changes and works them until they bend to his will.

And maybe that’s what leads them past the barricade in their life, when Tao suddenly has his lips on Kris’- when did that happen? –and when Kris doesn’t resist, merely groaning like a parched man in the desert presented with an oasis of water.

When he finally pulls away, panting for air, Tao has a shocked look on his face at his own actions

And Kris has one too.

And now they’re stuck in the limbo of somewhere between friends and lovers, but it’s never felt any better, when he falls asleep somewhere under the duvet in Kris’ embrace.

And maybe tomorrow will be a little different from today, and certainly he’ll look at Kris in a different light, and maybe nothing will be the same anymore, but maybe it’s a good thing.

Kris will still be the same person he always was, and Tao will still be very much in love.