a/n: this font is wonwoo and this font is mingyu hehe enjoy! :)

When we first separated, it was really difficult. It was a lot more difficult than I imagined. It was a lot more difficult than I’ll ever admit. Our separation was quite bitter and perhaps a little cold but we were one of the sweetest while we lasted, and maybe that’s why I still hold on to the broken pieces.

I told myself so many times that I didn’t need you. I told myself I was better off without you. I told myself that I would erase you but running into you for the first time in years, my heart beats a little too fast. Your face is still too familiar to me. To tell you the truth, I hated you so much at first. I cried a lot too but after keeping this up for the next few weeks, I wondered, what the hell was I doing?

How well did you take our separation? I suffered a lot to be honest. Did you suffer as much as I did? Did it hurt just enough for you to endure? Or did it hurt to the point you could barely breathe? Who knows. You were probably more prepared for our break up as you were the one who initiated it, but tell me, did that made it less painful?

I thought leaving would set me free. I thought I would feel better. I thought I was doing what was best for us. But if I could turn back time, I would have stayed. I would have stayed by your side and tried to work out whatever that went wrong between us. You try to hide how you feel, but I can read you. How can I not? After being together for so long, how can I not know how to read you? You’re sad, you’re scared, and you’re nostalgic. I can see it in your eyes, or even worse, I can literally feel it.

They said time will heal all scars. They said time will help me forget. They said time will pass and all of this wouldn’t matter someday, and foolishly, I believed them. I thought I have healed since you don’t cross my mind anymore. Since everything doesn’t remind me of you anymore. But as I stand before you, the sight of you makes my heart ache and it feels as if all my scars are torn open again. But then again, maybe they never healed in the first place. Maybe I just got used to the pain. Time will heal me they said, but it’s been years and I’m still hurting.

Would it be cruel if I said I still love you? Because for the past few years, that’s all I’ve ever wanted to say to you. I wanted to tell you I made the biggest mistake of my life, which was letting you go. I wanted to tell you I miss you. I wanted to tell you that I don’t hate you anymore.

You said it’s been a long time since the last time we met and you could hardly recognize me as I’ve changed drastically. I simply smiled, pretending to agree. I wanted to tell you I saw you yesterday. I saw you laughing heartily and you seem to have completely moved on. You seemed to have found someone new too as you smiled widely at your phone. Whoever that person is, did they give you their all like I did? I gave you my all, but it was probably not enough for you to stay. You grinned as if you found happiness, and it stings, but that’s alright, because that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you but I don’t say any of that. Instead, I tell you the same thing, I could hardly recognize you too.

I found and went through our photo album yesterday, the one I stashed away when we first broke up. The one we made together, the one that contained every detail of our relationship. I laughed, I cried, I cringed, I smiled. I found it strange how all our memories could make my heart swell with happiness but still hurt at the same time. Call me selfish, but after all those years, I still wish you were mine but I pray for your happiness. I hope you find someone who loves you genuinely and treats you the way you deserve to be treated. And so, I got rid of everything that reminded me of you. I threw out every matching item we had, including the sweater and stuffed doll.

In movies, the main characters would somehow find their way to each other. No matter how far they wander off each other, at the end of the day they would still find their way back to each other. You told me on our second anniversary that I was the star to your night sky. But somewhere along the way, I got lost and I couldn’t find my way to you. I tried convincing myself a few times that someday, you’ll give me the map that leads to you but to my dismay, you abandoned me on my own. However, it didn’t take long for me to realize that although I may have been the star to your sky, I wasn’t the moon. I was just one of the hundred stars in the sky. Compared to the moon, I didn’t mean much.

I was stupid for walking away but even if I feel sorry for myself, I have to forget you someday. I have to bury my feelings for you forever and accept that we’re finished for good. You don’t love me anymore and I can only blame myself for how things turned out between us. It’s all my fault.

If only I held your hand back then. If only I held onto you when you turned away back then. If only I opened my mouth and allowed the words slip out of my mouth, you would still be by my side instead of someone else’s but I didn’t. I lost you and perhaps this will always be my biggest regret.

I keep finding myself by the streets we used to walk down together. Where we had most of our memories together; our first kiss, our first anniversary, our first birthday celebration together. Sometimes the memories start playing like a slideshow, I’m reminded of all our laughter and tears. Road trips and sleepovers.

You smiled at me and asked how I have been for the past few years. I told you I’ve been doing fine but to be honest, I haven’t been anywhere near that. On good days, I feel less empty and alone but most of the time, I feel drained out, almost as if I’ve lost my soul. All of a sudden, your smile dropped and I knew what you were going to say. You told me you’re sorry we didn’t work out and slowly, you walk away from me and again, I let you.

No matter how bad I long for you, I will not be selfish. As much as it hurts, I’ll let you go and allow you to fade into a memory.

Your apology lingers in my mind as you fade away from my sight. You said you were sorry but I didn’t want you to be. The more you apologize, the more pitiful I become.

It’s sad and heartbreaking at the same time, how all our promises have been broken. How all of our wishes become unfulfilled. How you and I will only be a memory to each other.

I know there’s no use in regretting now because you and I were over so many years ago but I loved you and treasured you more than you could ever imagine. And truthfully I still do. I’m sorry I couldn’t say those words to you when I had the chance.

Even though we’ve already broken up, I hope it doesn’t hurt anymore when you think of us, our broken relationship. I hope the thought and sight of me, doesn’t hurt you any longer.