{ f i v e  }

Aren't they sound perfect together?

What happened next went almost fully blur in my mind.

It was like my brain, the very organ that held the most responsibility for what all of me did, refused to recognize everything that took place before my eyes and my heart agreed along with it. The talks, what those people around me voiced, discussed, laughing at, even what I ate, or the fact that the place was far more crowded by now—all of those felt like skipped parts of a movie I never wanted to watch, but no matter what I tried to do, an absolute force coerced me to sit and stay. To watch, to witness, to just go pass through them.

My insides, if they hadn’t died or weren’t in a decomposition process yet, were all foggy and twisted into various excruciating peculiar windings. Perhaps because of Seungcheol’s mincing words that kept on ringing in my head like a broken transcription or most likely because I was stupid, always making ass decisions that would dumbly hurt me the most in the end.

Falling for a certain someone, for example.

Either way, I felt like I couldn’t care less about him, and Jisoo, and them in one, anymore. Or at least, that was what I suspected my numb heart sensed at the moment. The poor thing already had enough scars on its body. I was surprised it didn’t gave up on me yet and decided to utterly stop beating for the stupid person that I was. Instead, it settled with just disassociating itself from the whole ordeal, completely.

The cup of my favorite caffeine supplier was maybe another one of the reasons why I decided against choking myself to death. Its taste that filled my mouth after every sip made me forget everything for a moment. Sure it didn’t last long, but that was enough to keep me sane. Not suicidal.

How about the other reasons?

I didn’t know and never want to know why, but Mingyu held a greater part than what I could handle of him. His presence beside me; the simple fact that he was there, was what constantly reminded me that apparently, contrary to what I always believed; Seungcheol wasn’t the only one that could make me feel alright.

Mingyu—he was driving me insane and keeping what’s left from my sanity in place all at the same time. He made me confused, but all the while, he also made me don’t care about the said confusion and that was far more relaxing. He was doing the impossible. Resurrecting one’s feeling from its death; not everyone has the prosperity to do that.    

But if that; if having someone who could heal me was what I needed to get my ty feelings for Seungcheol vanish into thin air, I wouldn’t suffer this crazily much. I wanted that jerk not only because he made me experience true bliss, but more because he was the very core of me altogether. That was why, I felt like dying now that I knew he didn’t want others to acknowledge me as a part of his life.

So, what I guessed was right. He was sick and probably wanted me to tell him to leave, so he would have a reason to truly leave me.

But, no. In contrary, I hoped he come to my place tonight or if he didn’t, I’d come to his house. There, I would trap him inside, so whether he wanted it or not, he would spill the cause of his dreadful revelation. This had been going for years, I wanted the two of us only if he were to tell me his reasons. It didn’t have to be in the eyes of those people around us. What he might say later could be even more mincing, but at least, he always considered me as his best friend before. And in private. He should have had a good reason as to why he did all of that.

That was the spell that had me going through this past years; ‘He has good reasons for all of his actions.’

Even so, I knew I should have opened my mouth before. I should have denied his words, said something—anything, but I was too stunned, too shocked. My tongue didn’t cooperate and even if it did, I couldn’t even think of a word beside; ‘Why are you doing this to me?’

Step aside the fact that my body didn’t listen to me so I couldn’t retort, I actually also didn’t want him to be the bad guy.

Why a bad guy, you said?’

Well, who abandoned their childhood friend in public for years? A bad guy. A jerk. An , even.

I always said he was that—a jerk, but that didn’t mean I want others to call him like that too.

‘Why so, Jeonghan? He deserves that name, right?’

Simple. Because I loved him and love is that weird already.

After he told me his reason or reasons later, whether it’d be bring me happiness or sorrow, I knew, there’d only be two options left for me; leave him without telling him my real feelings or tell him my real feelings and wait for his response.

I smiled inwardly at the thought. Why did I feel like either way, I’d still end up leaving him? But I guess that was better than him leaving me first.

Like everything else in the world, our little party had to come to its end. Faster or slower, now or later.

Empty plates, no more drink, and less chatter. We were about to step away from the building while the day had turned more chilly. Chillier than ever. But apparently, Seungkwan had another idea in mind to prolong my mistreatment. His action clearly just like what Satan’s right hand would do to an unfortunate soul like mine. Up to now, his ideas were nothing but tortures for me. They were definitely something the ruler of hell would order.

Seungkwan—phone in hand, smiling and all—had just came back from the toilet when he suddenly beamed gleefully to Jisoo who finished his drink last. He put his glorious on the chair before saying, “Hyung, before we go our separate ways, sing us a song!”

Everyone stopped moving. Even Mingyu’s last spoon of grapefruit cheese mousse went hanging mid-air for a moment.

The brunet in question blinked twice, puzzled. Soon, I involuntary mimicked what he did at the next second while Seungkwan looked almost pleased by the reaction he got. Almost. Or maybe I saw that wrong. Whatever was that increased that guy’s suspicious-action level by hundred points.

“Uh, okay?” Jisoo said, more to a question than an answer, confusion all over his face. “Why so suddenly though?”

Seungkwan pointed the instruments that I went up to before with his straw. His face smiling again. “I’m just wondering about that and suddenly remembered yesterday you said you’ve finished a new arrangement. I wanna hear it!”

“Oh,” the older nodded knowingly, eyes on the direction where Seungkwan pointed. “That’s for saturday nights only or if there are special events, though,” he explained then put his cup of café au lait down. “Even so, I can play you that arrangement if you’d like.” He ended his offer with another bright smile. That smile was too bright—brutally bright, that it forced me to look away.

Seungkwan was practically bouncing on his chair. It’s almost tempting to give the thing he sat on a push. Thank goodness I like that guy.

“Great!” He half-shouted. “Do that as a duet with Seungcheol-hyung, then!”

I took my words back. I wished I pushed him so he could break his neck and die.

From experience again, I knew Jisoo the Angel wouldn’t reject his request, so I didn’t bother praying for him to do the otherwise to whatever mighty force in heaven who sent me to this hell.

The question that hanged in the air now was directed to Seungcheol. Would he agree?

Well, that was a stupid question to ask. Good thing I didn’t voice it because Jisoo didn’t even need to use his charming aura to the max for Seungcheol to stand on his feet. I guess it wasn’t something new for them, knowing they both major in music.

I recalled going to one of our campus festivals that were arranged by the music department. Jisoo was a star and Seungcheol rapped along with Vernon and some guys I didn’t bother knowing their names. Of course Diva Boo, the walking nuisance a.k.a Seokmin or Dk or Dokyum—, that guy had ton of names—and Jihoon, weren’t left behind. They were our top-class singers. They deserved a bigger stage and I could say, that festival, even if that time Seungcheol was dating another random senior, was worth it.

Seungkwan was cheering happily as his seniors made their way to where the small stage that filled with certain instruments were. The stage and our table were literally placed in each end of the room and with all costumers inside, I couldn’t figure out what they were talking about while maneuvering