{ f o u r  }

Can you see his eyes?

[ Yoon Jeonghan ]

If someone asks me about the amusement park date, I’ll genuinely tell them it is fun and enjoyable. Except maybe, I’ll have to skip some parts to say that. Like the parts when Seungkwan and Hansol, being the love birds that they were, couldn’t stop acting all lovey-dovey in front of us.

Sure this is a date. We are supposed to act that way in a date, not awkwardly locking gazes then putting some distance between ourselves whenever Seungkwan starts kissing Hansol passionately in public.

But, what? I am on a date with someone else’s boyfriend. Touching him would cost me a slit on the throat. Even so, we shouldn’t have acted like someone who have just getting rejected by his first love and someone who rejected the first person that also known as the first person’s first love.

Yes, I rejected him, but that was years ago. We should have moved on by now. Hard, okay. But a must. Even if we seemingly fail to do that somehow, why couldn’t we just act like the best friends we were before the love confession thing?

To be brutally honest, I was so happy when Mingyu told me he loved me. He is a great person. I never had the chance to know more about his whole social life, but it is easy to say he is lovable. Endearing. He should have gotten a lot of people around him. Just like Seungcheol and his popularity, but the Seungcheol I meant here is the high schooler Seungcheol. He is dazzling like a star also. And just like every star, the higher they are, the harder to reach. That isn’t easy to fully catch his attention in other people’s case, so I considered myself lucky he gave me his heart without me asking for it. But at that time, I just couldn’t accept his wonderful offer and now, said heart belongs to someone else.

Why do I suddenly feel regret all over my mind? I know for sure no one could turn time back to years ago; I know things like changing what had happened only existed in fiction. I know I could do nothing even if I grief about me in the past; I just couldn’t help myself but to think about what ifs.

If only I accepted him before, I wouldn’t have been this pathetic. If only I accepted him, I wouldn’t be like this.

If only I fell for Mingyu instead of Seungcheol…

Hansol must have realized we aren’t comfortable all the time because when he turns to us after letting Seungkwan answer a call, his eyebrow raises in question.

“Do we make you uncomfortable, hyungs?” He asks. “Well, you guys can do whatever you like too. We won’t mind you both kissing right here and right now, you know.”

‘Great, Hansol the Genius. Me munching Mingyu’s lips will make everything comfortable? Brilliant. Splendid. Perfect.’

I know I am supposed to not blush at the thought of Mingyu kissing me, but ugh, I just did and, ‘Screw you, Hansol, for noticing it and snickering at it’. Thank God Mingyu is too occupied by his just-laugh-whenever-those-duo-say-something-embarrassingly-stupid activity.

To cover my embarrassing action, I mimic Mingyu’s precious action by laughing nervously and then, start shaking my head brutally to wipe off the stupid thought. But even after another violent shake, I couldn’t get it out of my mind. Maybe I should slam my head somewhere.

‘Alright, Jeonghan, how about you think about Seungcheol kissing you instead?’

Seungcheol’s lips on mine, his body close, his face, his smell, his heat engulfing me—

But then, I recall the moment Hong Jisoo kissed Seungcheol yesterday and I know, I have no right to feel like I need to lock myself somewhere and cry because of their happiness. I know I have no right. I knows I shouldn’t feel that way. But even if I am certainly sure Jisoo wouldn’t last just like Seungcheol’s previous partners, I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t stop loving him even though everything feels sickening and I am so tired. I should have stopped, but I choose the most insane option which is a ‘no’. I don’t stop. Nor do I want to.

‘Aren’t you just plain stupid, Yoon Jeonghan?’

But doesn’t that what being in love mean? You being stupid? Stupid enough to feel happy whenever you meet them; not with gold in their hands, it’s just them greeting you. Stupid enough to feel happy just by knowing they are okay. To know they are still with you. Stupid enough to accept them as a whole. To accept their human imperfections.

To be in love is to be stupid. Both parties are stupid, but even so, they don’t care. They’re happy. They have each other. They want each other. And still clinging to a one-sided love is different. It’s insane. Not only you being stupid yourself, they don’t want you. You let them fool you; you let them scar you, too.

‘Does that make me stupidly insane?’

I inwardly laugh to myself like the madman I truly am at that thought because I know; and even if I know, I would still choose to be a stupidly insane person who is madly in love with Choi Seungcheol. Nothing more, but there is something else like- I might be stupid and insane or the composite of both, but I am not suicidal.

I don’t cling to this stupid love for nothing. I don’t cling to let myself be fooled forever. I have hope. The hope that still makes me feel pathetic at times, but enough for me to believe that someday, Seungcheol would face me with the love I have been waiting for years to see from him in his eyes.

This hope have always been with me since the first second I realized my feelings for him. It is from so long time ago. It might last forever, until my very last breath or it could crash and burn tomorrow. Maybe because Seungcheol suddenly comes to me and confesses his undying love or maybe because I would receive a damned invitation to his marriage with Jisoo.

Which one would happen? No one knows and all the things we aren’t sure of make this world far more interesting and savagely painful at the same time. It is the same like the very person who could bring us bliss and euphoria more than others is the very same person who could bring us the most tormenting sorrow.

What a ing trap.

One of the reasons this hope existed is my memories of our old days. The sweet memories—too sweet to be true. Too much, too sweet.

Yes, too much will hurt you so much? Goddamn right.

The memories of us smiling together, hand in hand, having each other in our arms when things were tough—the memories’ existence I hoped would burn into ashes in the blink of an eye, but even after years of doing everything, I always failed. So I gave up. I let those things lead me on. I let those things keep me believing that one day—tomorrow, next week, next month, years later, or even in my second life—Seungcheol would choose me.

There is a time I realized, being hopeless is less painful. You wouldn’t have anything to lose. You wouldn’t have anything to regret. To blame. To cry at. No need to witness all the dreams you built smashed to the ground. Shattering like glass. Then the pieces sliced your fingers when you try to pick them up, fix them, make them whole again. They make you bleed. They make you feel useless, trying to fix things you know would never ever be the same again.

I could see the other me, smiling, and humming, ‘Easier, isn’t it?’

Throw away your hopes, discard your feelings. They are nothing but burdens.

But then I saw him came to me when the night fell, behaving like before. Like nothing changed. Like he never abandoned me in public. Like when we were children and thus, the hope, the feelings come running back again, hugging me, and never letting me go.

That is before I thought of the possibility of him acting like that because he has no choice. He is sick of me, but couldn’t leave me either. Now that I am aware, how could I face him again?

‘Make him speak,’ a sound vibrates inside me. ‘No more waiting and acting nonchalant, you’ve had enough. You deserve one hell of an explanation.’

And then I agree I should get an assurance no matter what, no matter how. But first, I have to survive this date.

It is not really long after that when Seungkwan comes back. He runs a little while he breathes some air to his palms. The tip of his nose is a bit flustered too, probably because the winter started to show. Good thing I wear something warm.

“Guys,” he calls and when he reaches us, Hansol quickly takes his hands in his. For warmth, I think. He should have known global warming haven’t changed the weather fully just yet and brought at least a scarf with him. “How about we take some rest? I know a place that isn’t so far from here.”

That is another sentences for ‘Congratulations! The date has finished! You made it, Jeonghan! Go grab something as the prize!’

If only it is his treat. Or Mingyu’s. Or whoever’s.

At last, of course I give Seungkwan a solemn nod and nobody complains. He looks too frozen to be refused. I don’t really blame his attire because well, it isn’t snowing yet, but the wind is exceptionally cold all of a sudden even though there is still sun in the morning if I remembered it correctly. Wait a little bit and maybe the snow would fall.

Thus, we made our way out of the park. Hansol and Seungkwan are a bit in hurry in front of us, but as I walk side by side with Mingyu, I couldn’t stop my eyes from staring at the classic carousel we pass. That is my and Seungcheol’s favorite ride when we were kids. We have so many beautiful memories because of that. Now, reminiscing said memories, I could only smile bitterly because there is no way they would happen again. 

Five minutes of walking later, I find myself stepping in front of a glass door of a not-so-unfamiliar café. Seungkwan and Hansol already went in, but I stop a bit to frown and tilt my head. Somehow, I might have come here one or two times before, but for the life of me I don’t remember when.

The place isn’t t