Final chapter : My last & painful goodbye.. [oneshot]
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I had a crush on him,

I liked him,

I fell for him,

I love him.

I will always remember how I felt that day.

KIM JONGHYUN <3

My bestfriend.

I know it's wrong. He's my best friend, for god's sake!

But when I look into his dark and playful eyes, the colour of the Earth ground brightens at the thought of it.

I love his beautiful smile as captivating as it can be.

The way he laughs, and the way he talks.

His sweet, yet astounding, smooth yet rough, voice.

Oh why, does he make sense of the madness I’m going through.

But it's wrong.

I know that. I know I shouldn’t. He’s my best friend, and he respects that relationship we had. I know all those things about him shouldn't take my breath away.

But I love the rushing and excitement feeling whenever he’s around and intruding my mind, heart, ...soul.

Kim Jonghyun is so amazing. Isn’t he?

Just a wink from him can make girls shriek out, ‘kyaaaaaaaaaa oppa!’

A click of his fingers draw girls to him and he doesn’t even have to break a single sweat.

Girls would die to be with him. I know. They’re stupid. Some even thought of shoving themselves in his pants, but he refused. Ew? Lost their brains or lost their senses. So happy, Kim Jonghyun isn’t that kind of guy.

He knows his limits.

Even though he was given the title ‘playboy’ in Seoul High, he knew himself better than anyone else. Especially, me.

After all, he’s the kingka in the school and also, because he’s the popular guy in the neighbourhood. He did had a couple of girlfriends but he broke off with them after finding out that they just wants to be shared the same status as him.

Yes, he’s popular...

Besides the crazy shrieking cats, includes aunties, ‘noona’, whole school, and neighbouring schools?!

Sigh.

We would always joke and tease each other.

At times we would pull pranks on freshmen.

Looking back, it’s funny how we became bestfriends at the first place. Because we are two different people. Both of us came from a different family background.

KIM JONGHYUN came from a wealthy family. They lives in big houses and each owns a car, whereas I come from a not-so-wealthy-family, lives in a house that can only fit three people and I work to pay off my father’s debts that’s been piling up ever since he was alive.

Now,

Dad is nowhere to be seen. He disappeared all of a sudden.

Rumours has it that dad was dead.

He was killed while running away from the debt-takers.

But no one really knows where he is now, not even me nor mom.

After dad left, I started working to support mom.

You can say that, I, Kim Hana am the only sole breadwinner in the family.

Mom was paralyzed due to a car accident six months ago.

It was heart-breaking news for her and for me as well.

I’m happy with what I got. Mom told me, “No matter how difficult we’re living at, the most important thing is that we should treasure every bit of moment in our life. The most valuable thing in my life was giving birth to you dear, Kim Hana”.

I got touched by her words.

Anyway,

Jonghyun was nice.

Nicer than any other typical school boys.

We met on the first day of school. It was a mere accident in the hallway.

Like any other school kids, both of us were looking for our homeroom class and we just happen to bump onto each other…

…just like that…by accident.

My first impression on him was, cool.

That’s where our friendship starts blooming. He was two years older than me.

Yes, two years older…

We would share our deepest darkest secrets with each other.

When one is feeling melancholy, the other would bring him/her to eat ice-cream.

Both of us have a lot in common. Even our ice-cream flavors are the same.

I had always enjoyed my times with him.

Despite the fact that both of us have busy schedules — with school and stuffs, we would always make time for each other.

We’re really close until most of the students in Seoul High had mistaken us for a couple.

“Aww…you guys look so cute together!”

“Hey! Last long yeah?”

“Ommo! It’s the HyuNa couple”

Those were a few lines that are always being said.

And believe me, news like that do travel fast.

The teachers too, knew about our HyuNa existence.

They would even give us their blessings.

However,

Hearing those comments made him laugh it out but he never knew that…

I…

Kim Hana…deep down, actually…

Likes him…

Not like him to the extent that I’ll die for him, no. Like him because of his sweet disposition towards me. That’s when I started to fall for him.

Although he tried to clear things off by saying that we’re just friends, most of them thought he’s lying.
I like the fact that people thought we're dating...it's a nice feeling.

I only had my eyes on him and only him. No one else.

There are many stunning guys who asked me out last summer but I accept none of them. 

Seunghyun is one of them.

A jock in my campus.

Words around campus say that he had most of the girls in his pants before.

Only god knows who I like…

Who my heart yearns for,

Jonghyun…

Kim Jonghyun.

The only guy I’m head over heels with.

He has an aspect of a gentleman by judging from his outer appearance and his well-mannered behaviour.

Everything was perfect when it was only me and him. We would go to scary carnival rides and eat hotdogs together.

But everything ended in a blink of an eye.

A week ago, at the newly open streets of Seoul,

He discovered, a girl.

Not just any ordinary girl, but a popular one too.

She looked like one of those celebrities.

She had long brown hair with big Japanese curls. Her eyes are pretty and her lips are soft— pink and luscious as though no guys ever tasted that lips before. She has pretty hands and nicely toned legs.

She is a beauty.

Men would probably die for her.

And this girl goes by the name of…

Shin Se Kyung.

He was star struck by her absolute beauty and almost walks into a pole in front of him.

From that moment, I knew he found his love.

True love.

Well, he’s been talking about when he will ever get his true love.

Now I guess he found it. Guess, his prayers got answered from God. 

“Ommo! Hana-ah! Look at her!”, my body arched backward as he pull me behind one of those concrete walls.

He smirked, “Ain’t she a beauty?”

I just gave him a simple nod and a smile.

“She’s..., she’s my ideal girl”, he said with a smile - the side of him I’ve never seen.

Why? How could you not know, Kim Jonghyun? Your true love has always been me, who’s always been with you through thick and thin together. She’s just some random girl you saw and then you’re saying that she’s your ideal girl?!

Maybe he does believe in the quote; ‘love at first sight’.

I thought maybe I could claim him mine and confess my feelings to him. I guess we’re just not meant to be.

Soon after, they got close to each other.

He then started neglecting me. I was alone.

All alone.

They text, talk on the phone for hours and even send out love letters. Of course, I on the other hand got jealous over the fact that he had chosen her over me even though he doesn’t know my hidden feelings towards him.

But what can I do?

All I can do is to observe them from far. Cry my heart out when he’s not watching.
 

***

‘Hana-ah~ don’t you think I’m the luckiest guy on earth to be Sekyung’s boyfriend?’, he nudge my elbow and slid a letter under my Biology book even though he’s just sitting next to me in class.

‘Yes oppa’, I wrote back with a heavy heart.

Something inside of me is reluctant to accept their relationship.

It hurts me when I believed I could stand a chance to be with Jonghyun whenever I’m around him. A ridiculous high hope I ever had, knowing he had found his ideal girl. I should stop this feeling.
I’m sorry Jonghyun. I cannot stop loving you if I keep thinking and looking at you. 

Sometimes, I wish that girl didn’t appear before you.
Sometimes, I wish I don’t know what love is when I met you.
Sometimes, its better to say goodbye.

One sided love is harsh.

After all those great times with him, I just have this feeling that maybe, one day, Jonghyun might come up to me and say, ‘Hana-ah, I’m, in love with you. Would you please accept my love?’

I guess I’m being too delusional.

Ever since he got her, he hangs out with me lesser each time.

He would give excuses like, ‘Hana~ I’ve got umm…urgent thing to attend, would you please excuse me?’

But I knew that his ‘urgent’ plan was a date with Sekyung.

Jonghyun, I wish I was brave enough to tell you my feelings but I’m afraid if you won’t accept and thinks that this is all a joke to you.
I’m afraid if you won’t accept my love, you will start hating me and avoid me in every way you can.

I hate you Jonghyun.

I hate you for making me love you. I’ve fallen deep for you.

And now,

My heart hurts to see you with her.
I should have ignored it. As though, something I couldn't see.

I should have looked elsewhere.
I should have run away before I even know that I’m falling for you.

You made me feel this way, unintentionally.

Without words, I held my breath waiting for you. Wanting you. Hoping you.

Why does it hurt so much? Why is this unbearable feeling turn out to be so cold?
Why does it keep hurting? I couldn’t even prepare to let you go.

I think my heart was surprised more than I do.

I'll just hurt for a while,
Since only scars will be left in the end.

***

Jonghyun walked me home from school since he has nothing after school and that he felt guilty for not hanging out with me.

That was the first in a long time he had walked me home from school.
Throughout our journey home, both of us didn’t spoke a word.

“Hana, are you okay? You’ve been um…silent with me since…since…? Um…it’s been a week or two already, why are you not talking?”, he broke the silence.

‘You’re oblivious aren’t you oppa? I’m hurt you idiot! Can’t you feel it?!’

“Ah~ ani oppa. I’m just not feeling myself lately”

‘Oh’, was his only response.
 

Have I mentioned that he’s an oblivious guy when it comes to situations like this?

I’d rather he’s oblivious to that girl than to this situation instead.


***
  
“Oh HANA!”, he got me by surprised and got onto his knee.

“J-J-Jonghyun?? What are you doing?”
He slowly reached out his arms to touch my hands.

“...Jonghyun...is this...wait, what are you trying to do?”
“This, is, for, you”, he said it unexpectedly romantic. Again, my feeling for him continues to flow.

“For...me?”
“Yes, well”, he got up from his knees, “Well actually, I’m quite embarrassed to do this. I thought of a brilliant way to propose Se Kyung”

“..oh. You look like an idiot. Tsk. Jonghyun becoming a romantic guy. Oh wow I can’t stop laughing”, I just laugh to cover up. He hurt me, once again.

“HANA!! This is my first time serenading. And this would be the first time I would ever done. Could you help me out a bit?”, Jonghyun pleading for help.
 

“Oh, help?”

‘First time... serenading? Am I his first he ever serenades to?

‘It got me happy and there I thought my hope was gone. I can’t help it but to fall for him again. It won’t kill just to help a tiny, itsy... bitsy...for him... will it..? That’s what I thought so, “SURE!~”

“REALLY? REALLY REALLY?! I didn’t expect you would help me. I mean you’re been off lately. I’m worried if I’m burdening you...Hana, thanks”, he said with a big grin upon his face.

“YEAH YEAH YEAH. So what do you want me to help you out with?”
“Help me get this act done perfectly, I do not wish Se Kyung to see my pathetic proposal”, Jonghyun said while rubbing his neck.

“..pro-posal. Oh okay. Alright enough talking, let’s get on with it already”,

I’m sorry, dear heart. This would probably be the happiest moment in my life, if it were for me. It’s time for me to move on, right, after this.

“Se-Se K-K-K-Yu-Yu...ng ... I-I..,” I interrupted him; “WHAT ARE YOU STUTTERING FOR? TSK. DO IT PROPERLY WILL YOU? TSK”, I push him down onto his knee, “Okay first, you hold in your breath and let it out. Now, say out with all your heart”.

“Se Kyung…I love you”, Jonghyun, satisfied that he had said it but he didn’t expect I would respond.

“Jonghyun…I love you too. I love you ever since I met you, you made my heart flutters, it's hurting my chest."

“..H-Hana?”, Jonghyun was dumfounded for the moment.

“..Oh, Sorry”, realized, “I was, just acting as Se Kyung, maybe she would responded back like…how I reacted. Well this kind of serenade thingy could make any girl confess out her honest feelings, get what I'm trying to say?”

“REALLY? SE KYUNG WOULD SAY THIS? This is...” his voice trailed off.

“Hana! You’re amazing; I didn’t know you could act? This is so much realistic, it really got me there. I thought you’re confessing me or something, because I know you wouldn’t. After all, we are the bestest friend in the whole wide world. I hope Se Kyung would say this to me too”.
 

What the…

I...I’ve confessed...to Jonghyun.
Though it’s...pretend-to-be-Se Kyung position..
What’s got into me?! Why did I?

That’s it.
I’ve decided.

I can’t bear this anymore.

I have to…

“Jonghyun, I've got something to tell you…”

“Haha, I can’t believed this would turn out even greater than what I’d expect it to be. Hana, you’re really something! What will I do without you!! I have to repay you back, oh how about an ice cream!”

“I’m leaving”, there, I said it.

“Wait, what? Where to?”, he stopped on his tracks and turn to me.
“Umm…out of the country…”

“Oh? Where?”
“Uh…eum…over to…to…err…to the States! Yeah, States. I’m visiting an old aunt who’s sick”, I lied.

‘Oh’ was his only answer.

Was it obvious? Did he realise the change of tone I used?

***

Although I knew well that I wasn’t going to the states.

I…
I…

I was dying.

Soon…

But that’s the only way for me. I don’t want him to get worried about my state. Maybe, when I’m dead, this feeling of love towards him might fade; I’m erasing this foolish one sided feeling,

Forever…

There’s no cure for my illness, Alzheimer.

Alzheimer is a disease of which, one dies from memory loss. As the disease advances, symptoms include confusion, irritability and aggression, mood swings, language breakdown, long-term memory loss, and the general withdrawal of the sufferer as their senses decline. Gradually, bodily functions are lost, ultimately leading to death…

That’s what I’m suffering right now. Soon, I’ll die.
So, Jonghyun, I won’t live long.

I won’t be able to see you get married to Sekyung.
I won’t be able to see your child.
And most important is that I won’t be able to see, you.
 

***

Days, weeks and months passed, Jonghyun is spending more time with Sekyung than with me. I went over to the clinic for my usual appointment with my personal doctor regarding my illness. Alzheimer. I got into the small white room and sat on the chair, quiet.

“Hmm? Hana, I have some bad news for you…”, his voice trailed off.

I knew he was going to give me the bad news. The news I’ve been waiting for so long. My death…

“Yes Mr. Han?”, clasping my hands together.
“According to your results, I will have to say that you won’t live long. You have only two days left…”, Mr Han said it with a voice almost sound like a whisper not wanting to hurt me.

Of course.

I broke into tears. Not sad tears but tears of joy. I’m happy, somehow. So happy that I’m glad my feelings for Jonghyun will fade, forever, along with my other memories when I’m dying soon.

“So…”, his voice got hooked, “I want you to spend your time wisely. Spend it with your loved ones, Hana-ah…”, his voice was soft, yet hurtful.

What does he meant by ‘loved ones’ ? Was he refering to Jonghyun?

I just smiled to Mr Han and left the room quietly.
 

***

A day passed and I’m only left with one day left, to live…
I called up Jonghyun and ask to meet me in the park.

“Yobeoseyo? Ah, oppa…could you meet me? Eum…at the park. Ah yes, yeah that place. Yeah. Okay, goodbye, see you then!”, I put down the phone. Inhale a whole lot of air and exhale slowly.

It’s time. I’m going to tell him that he’ll be seeing the last of me today.
and then, I won’t be around anymore…

***

“Hey Hana! Wassup? What did you want to say to me since it’s very important to you?”

I held his hands and said, “I’m leaving tomorrow oppa, you won’t be seeing me anymore”

“What why ?! don’t leave me Hana-ah! You’re my bestfriend!”

“Yes oppa but my sick aunt needs me. She’s important to me”

I lied.

“Ah arasseo…but promise me you will come back okay?”
“I can’t promise you that…besides, you’ve got Sekyung. She’ll make you happy. I guarantee”, I gave him a last goodbye hug.

I cried in his arms. His hug was warm. So warm that I could sleep in his arms. His shirt was wet with my tears.

I’m going away for a very long time oppa, please don’t miss me.

“Hana, a-are you crying?”, he pull me back and look into my eyes.

“Yes oppa? N-no, I’m not”, I turned away as I wipe my tears.

“I’ll miss you…bestfriend...”, he kissed my forehead softly.

“Yes…I’m sure I’ll miss you dearly too…”, I responded and left his embrace.
 

***

It was dark and I climbed onto my bed and pray.

I prayed for his safety.
I prayed for his happiness.
I prayed for his relationship with her.

And I prayed that he’ll also forget about me.

Our friendship.
Our memories.

Everything…

Awhile then, I closed my eyes slowly and drifted into dreamland as tears trickle down my cheeks.

I was afraid to close my eyes at first, I was afraid to leave him but my future is destined and I’ll be dead by tomorrow. My lifeless body will be brought to the grave.
 

***

[JONGHYUN’S POV]

I stood outside Hana’s entrance and rang the bell.

No answer.

I knocked the door.

Still…

No answer.

“Hana~ are you home? Am I too late to bid my last farewell to you? Hana? Strange? Why is her house key outside?”

I crept slowly into the dark living room. Started calling out her name.

Checked every room but she wasn’t there.

Last room to check was, her room.

I open the door to her room slowly, who knows she might be changing; but she was nowhere in sight.

As I was about to leave her room, I notice a book.

A small pink book with a lock on her nightstand.

Curious, I started rummaging her drawer for the key. Fortunately, I was able to find the key.

I flip open her diary and found a page that caught my attention;


Jonghyun.

My love, my life, my everything.
Dear diary, I’ve been having this feeling for Jonghyun oppa.
I think I’m in love with him, no, not as a friend but more than that.
What should I do?
But he has a girlfriend already.
I was about to confess to him the other day but he already set his eyes on her.
Shin Se Kyung, her name.
I’m hurt. And I’m gonna leave this world tomorrow.
Should I confess to him that I, Kim Hana love him and am suffering from Alzheimer?
No, I don’t think that’s a good thing to do…
I don’t want him to be sad for me. If I tell him about my illness, it’ll be much more harder for me then.
I’ll just keep this as a secret then until one day we meet again…
in heaven…

You know what diary? I somehow confessed to him but as Sekyung cause' he was practicing on how to serenades to her so I helped him out in pretending to be her.
I totally confessed to him but he didn't realise it.
He thought I was confessing as Sekyung.
But actually I was confessing my true feelings but he didn't know...
Sad huh?

Oppa, I love you. I always have been eversince you stepped into this school.
But you only regard me as a friend, not more than that.
I hope that you would propose to me instead of Sekyung.
I wish you could realise how hurt I am when you’re with her.
I want you to know about my feelings but something inside of me refuse to let it out.
So, I’m only dotting my feelings down in here…my diary…
I love you too much oppa. Too much…

  

No.

This isn’t true. I drop the diary off my hands and tears starts to trickle down my cheeks.

So, the part you confessed to me was, actually real?', my thoughts ran wild. I felt like hallucinating.

Why Hana?

Why?

Why didn’t you tell me that you’re suffering from Alzheimer?

Why won’t you be open to me?

Why am I so stupid for not realizing your feelings towards me?

Hana, please come back. Please be alive.

I stood up from the bed and ran outside, to the hospital. Hopefully it wasn’t too late for me.

I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, to Seoul Hospital.

I asked the nurse to Hana’s room and lead me to it.

I saw a couple of doctor and nurses standing beside her bed, looking down.

There she was.
Lying lifelessly on the bed.
Her face was pale. Paler than before.
I walked up to her bed slowly, tears still rolling down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry, but who are you sir?”, one of the doctor asked.
“I’m…I’m her…friend…bestfriend…”, I answered in between sobs.

“What was she suffering from?”, I asked.

“Alzheimer…most of her braincells were being eaten away…you’re lucky that she’s able to still remember you before she left…”, the doctor said as he put a comforting hand on my back.

"What do you mean?", I asked in bewilderment.
"You're Jonghyun? Kim Jonghyun?"

"Y-yes...I am, why?"

"Ohh good, she asked me to pass this to you. She said it's important", the doctor pass me a little piece of note.
 

Dear Jonghyun,

I didn't get to tell you this sooner, I'm sorry for lying to you.
I didn't tell you about my sickness is because I don't want you to worry about me.
I want you to be happy.
Be happy with her.
I'll be dead in a couple of hours and I'm writing this to you before I go.
Please cherish this little piece of paper because I'm going to tell you how I feel about you oppa.

I.Love.You.

Those are the three words I've been dying to tell you but didn't get the chance to.
I fell for you eversince our first meeting.
I loved how people always says that we look like a couple. But it's sad that we're not.
I wish we were but now you're with her and there's nothing else I can do.
Oppa, I don't know why you're the only person I could remember.
I guess God wanted me to remember you before I go.

And oh, remember when you tried to seranade to me? While I pretended to be SeKyung?
The confessing part was real, I was really confessing my true feelings to you.
I was giving you a hint...but you didn't notice.

Anyway,
I'll be watching you from above oppa, I'll always be with you...
Don't worry and be happy. I'll pray for your safety oppa.
I'll beg to God to protect you from any harm, so please, don't worry.

Goodbye...I love you...

I turn my gaze to Hana’s lifeless body.

“Why Hana? Why? Please don’t leave me…please come back to me…”, my words almost sounded like a whisper.

I planted a kiss on her foreheard and hug her one last time before the doctor and nurses cover her body with the white sheet ready to bring her to the mortuary room.

I stood there, like an idiot.

If only you’d confess to me sooner, I’ll be more than happy to accept your feelings Hana-ah…
because, I too, felt the same way you do...I wanted to confess to you but I've got no guts to say it...

Rest in peace my dear…we’ll meet again soon, 
 

In heaven…
 

Goodbye, Hana…

***