Taeyeon wasn't jealous.

 

She told herself that last year. She told herself that last month. She told herself that last week. She was telling herself that now, while she was outside her balcony. Why would she be jealous? She wasn't jealous.

 

She might have brought him to the party, but Taeyeon wasn't jealous.

 

She was actually having a great time at Sunny's party. She was laughing, dancing mindlessly to their songs. Seeing her that way was evidently a rare sight, even the others were amazed. They were really surprised to see a happier side of their friend after the nightmare that had happened. It was probably over, they thought and began to believe that maybe Taeyeon, the woman screaming to Gee with Sooyoung and Yoona, had finally gotten over it.

 

      "I'm glad to see her like this," the party's host remarked at how one of the nation's top singers was murdering every note in their classic song.

 

      "Seriously?" Yuri cringed at the supposed singing that was going on. "Well, as long as she's not crying, I'm all for it," she chuckled.

 

When the song ended and Taeyeon, Sooyoung, and Yoona were arguing about which Girls' Generation song they would listen to next, the doorbell rang.

 

      "Who could that be?" Sunny said.

 

      "Could be Jessica," Yuri joked.

 

      "Whatever," Sunny glared at the girl giggling from her bad humor and walked to the front door.

 

Like it was on cue, the very second the door opened and two people, a woman and a man, emerged, Taeyeon's mood flipped upside down like the smile on her face and she was now completely done with everything. She no longer felt continuing the insanity with her two goofy dongsaengs. It was funny, they had done worse activities than that but when she saw them, she lost all her stamina.

 

      "Hey, Tiffany's here!"

 

      "Oh, you brought--"

 

Taeyeon blocked the name from her mind. It was her least favorite name, the name that would ruin her day just by hearing it. They went inside hand in hand as normal couples in love would. The others said their hi's and hello's to Tiffany and her man, but Taeyeon chose to remain on the sofa. She didn't look behind her. She paid no mind. And no, she wasn't jealous. Not at all.

 

She might have brought him to the recording studio, but Taeyeon still wasn't jealous.

 

Their next album was slowly coming to life. Fans were excited, they were excited. Producers envisioned that it would be bigger than Lion Heart. That day, Taeyeon was scheduled to record her lines for the title track. Just like their last title track, Taeyeon didn't like it, which was always a good omen.

 

      "You should just hate every song we make you sing, Taeyon-ssi," one producer teased.

 

      "Remember when you hated Lion Heart and it did better than You Think?" the other producer added.

 

      She laughingly agreed. "I guess I really should, oppa."

 

Days like this were days Taeyeon enjoyed. She liked working. She liked singing. She liked doing things for her fans. And because of the pleasant mood she was in that afternoon, it didn't take long for her to finish recording her parts. She got to go home early, maybe take a nap afterwards or watch some TV. As much as she'd wish to stay and watch the next member do her thing, she also wanted to get some serious R & R.

 

      "Perfect as always, Taeyeon-ssi."

 

      "We'll see you next week for the next song, Taeyeon-ssi."

 

She bowed and bid her goodbye to the hardworking producers and made her way out of the studio. While she was walking to her car, she wondered who the next girl was. Probably Hyo or Seo. She totally forgot to ask the producers. Part of being the leader was to be aware of these kinds of things. But like the angels in heaven read her mind, as she was about to to start her car, a familiar white Audi pulled up a few meters away.

 

She no longer wondered who was to record after her for the answer was right there. She got out from the passenger side, but guess who she brought to work. Was it "Bring Your Boyfriend To The Office Day"? Taeyeon didn't see this coming. Their arms were linked together like chains, smiling and giggling, practically hopping their way to the entrance, a cloud of hearts hovering above them. So sweet. So in love.

 

      "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Taeyeon screamed after the little sappy show she had just seen. "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S HERE. THIS IS JUST-- HOW DARE HE SHOW HIS STUPID SELF ON A PLACE LIKE THIS? THIS IS THE SM ENTERTAINMENT BUILDING, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?"

 

She kept yelling and ranting, but no matter how loud it was, Tiffany and her boyfriend wouldn't even hear a syllable. Because of the loudness of their affection for each other? Maybe. But definitely because Taeyeon was bawling out to herself like a maniac inside her Benz. As a result, her afternoon was ravaged to the last bit. Taking a nap and watching TV might have sounded awesome a while before, but after seeing her and her smug little boyfriend's face from a distance, a drink or ten sounded more practical. And no, she wasn't jealous not at all. Still, she wasn't.

 

She wasn't jealous.

 

She said to herself while gazing at the view of the city lights from her balcony. She had been living alone now for a year. She moved out of the dorm and purchased the place after she and it (the pronoun Taeyeon preferred to use nowadays to refer to that particular person) made things official and drove the internet to a frenzy.

 

If netizens' hearts were broken, one could only imagine the suffering she had gone through. Regardless, that was forever ago, it had already been a year. She was already fine. She was okay. At least, that was what she liked to tell herself and everyone who was concerned of her well-being. She was alright. If she was alright, why can't she be too?

 

But it was as though something in her would flare up and soon all of her conscience would be set ablaze every time she would see it. She and it were literally inseparable on another level. Wherever she was, it was too. Whether it was a Girls' Generation photoshoot, a common friend's birthday, the friggin' Mnet Asian Music Awards in Hong Kong, it was there too. If not worshipping her, mentally drooling because of her, or simply cheering for her, it was there. And it bothered and annoyed and angered the life out of Taeyeon.

 

She wasn't jealous.

 

She said to herself again, now looking down below. If she was this disturbed by her newfound beloved, if the mere glimpse of it gave her the urge to pull her hair out and smack herself in the head, shouldn't she just stay away? That was exactly what she was doing. That was why she was habitating in that apartment, by herself for the first time in her life. She would've done more, frankly. She would have returned to her town, quit Girls' Generation and left the idol life, but she couldn't do that, the company and the girls wouldn't let her do that, even she wouldn't let her do that. Basically, she was stuck in that world, stuck with it until she finds someone better.

 

She wasn't jealous.

 

She closed her eyes. Now she felt tears forming underneath her eyelids. She simply remembered the time she confessed to her... and she confessed back. It was like a dream, Taeyeon could float in the air after hearing Tiffany say those three words back. It was the best time of her life. Those days, those nights. Even if exposing the slightest clue about their relationship would mean the end of everything, still Taeyeon feared nothing because what she had for her best friend was stronger than anything else.

 

She wasn't jealous.

 

For any relationship, hurdles were normal, but you could only get past through them if you jumped together. Taeyeon did, but the problem was Tiffany didn't. She said she was scared-- scared about destroying their careers, scared about people finding out and scared about losing her best friend. So they broke it off. Taeyeon understood. Putting all of what they had at risk was very frightening to think about. And she loved Tiffany enough to let her go. They remained best friends and nothing changed.

 

A few months later, things began to go downhill. Tiffany met it. It was a singer too, a famous one in fact, which made it even harder to avoid him. Tiffany fell in love with it. Taeyeon was hurt at how quickly she found a replacement, like she was last winter's fur coat. Taeyeon became utterly depressed. Their friends began to worry. Eventually, Taeyeon recovered. Their friends were relieved. But Tiffany was still deeply madly in love with it.

 

She wasn't jealous.

 

She wiped the tears from her eyes with her hand. She shook her head so those past thoughts would fall off. She was better now. She should be better now. She was smiling more often. In the next evening, she would be on a date. The guy was handsome, an idol too, equally famous. If they really clicked, then Korea would have another power couple. She should be happy. She should stop thinking about her and it. That would only make her pathetic, and she was through with that stage. She had moved on.

 

She wasn't jealous.

 

The breeze was getting too cold. Taeyeon took it as a sign to go back in. She pushed the glass door to the right and it was her bedroom. Across her bed was a huge mirror, which she approached. She looked at her reflection intensely and repeated her mantra:

 

      "I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous."

 

Saying it more would do nothing and she was aware of this. No matter how much she tried to deny, no matter how many new clever ways she found to hide it, no matter how many dates she'd go to, her eyes couldn't lie. She knew herself too well. She wasn't doing or feeling any better. She was angry and sad. She was heartbroken. She was still hurting. She was still not over Tiffany. And she couldn't bear seeing it with Tiffany because that could've been her. That could have been them. Lucky bastard. What did he do to deserve her?

 

      "I'm not jealous."

 

But she was. She really was.

 

 

 

 

 

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A/N: Hope you like it! Don't forget to comment :)