Lullabies by Yuna

I still remember my first love. I was in my first year of high school, I was a late bloomer so I’ve never date or like someone before. She was beautiful and kind but a bit aloof. We’ve met through mutual friend and she introduce us. We became good friend and one day my view of her changed. I started to felt nervous when I’m around her and I tried to avoid physical contact as much as possible since I always froze when she hugged me and when our finger accidentally touched.

I was so confused about my feeling and it drove me insane. I was sure she noticed too. I saw hurt in her eyes when I abruptly retreat my hand when she tried to reach for it. How I always squirm when she tried to hug me. I felt sorry for her but I just don’t know what to do. After weeks of contemplating what to do, I finally told her what was wrong with me. I timidly knocked on her dorm room door. My mind kept telling me to run but I tried so hard to not run.

“Just a second.”

I heard her voice on the other side of the door. I took a few deep breath to calm down my anxiety. Then she opened the door, and I froze. I just looked at her and she looked back at me. I felt weird and my heart started to thump out of my chest. She clears and smiled at me.

“It’s been a while since you come here. What’s up?”

“Um, I need to talk to you.” I said softly, I’m not sure if she heard me or not.

“Okay, come on in Bomi.”

                She moved away slightly from the door to let me in. Walked into the familiar room. It has been a while since I went in her room, not since I felt this weird emotion messing me up. I sat on her bed since there was no other place to sit other than the chair at her desk which was occupied by her bag. She did the same and sat across me. My heart started to thump again and my stomach hurt. She saw how stiff I was and tried to touch me. I evaded her hand and once again I hurt her feelings.

“I’m sorry.” She said to me with weak voice.

“No! I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, it’s just that I’ve been feeling weird lately.” I kept my head down avoiding her eyes.

“There are things that trouble you?” She asked.

I nodded yes.

“Then why didn’t you tell me? I was so worried about you. I thought I did something and you hate me.” Her voice cracked and didn’t dare to look at her eyes.

“No, you didn’t do anything and I don’t hate you. But it does have something to do with you. Or more like I’ve been acting weird because of you.”

“What do you mean?” Confusion was apparent in her voice.

“When I’m around you I just become a mess. I felt anxious and my heart beat so fast it’s driving me crazy. I avoid your touch because it made the feeling worse. When I’m not around you I’m fine but I still think about you. I’ve been losing sleep staying up at night thinking about you and I really don’t know what to do. What is wrong with me?”

She blinked once, twice, thrice and so on. It was silent for a while then a gentle smile form on her lips. She flicked and forehead, I rubbed the area where she flicked to soothe the pain and gave her a glare.

 “You idiot! That means you like me.”

“I do like you though, we’re friends and all.” I said without hesitation.

“No no, not like that. I mean you like me more than a friend.”

“What? But that can’t be. You’re a girl!” I freaked out.

“Last time I check, yes I’m a girl and still a girl.”

“What? But I’m a girl too.” I pointed at myself while still freaking out.

“I can see that.” She replied with a hint of sarcasm.

I kept freaking out and a lot of bad thought came running to my mind.  She just sat there with flat expression on her face. I mumbled to myself and then she grabbed my hand. It shocked me, I looked into her eyes and I was lost in it. I was gawking at her without myself realizing. I snapped out of it when she told me about her crazy idea.

“Okay, listen here. It might be a girl crush or something, we don’t know for sure.”

I listen attentively and nodded my head as she continues.

“I say we test it out to see if it’s just a girl crush or if you really like me in that way.”

“But how?” I was curious about her method.

“We should kiss. I mean if you don’t really like me you would probably hate it.”