Ten
Unsent LettersThe air between Wonwoo and Mingyu had always been comfortable despite not saying anything to each other. But right at this moment, the atmosphere is thick and too uncomfortable and Wonwoo knows Mingyu feels that way too because he's been fidgeting way too much.
Mingyu sits on one of the swings while Wonwoo stands a few feet across him. Mingyu is avoiding his gaze but Wonwoo doesnt mind. In fact, its actually better this way. Its easier for him to speak up. Or that's what he thinks. He's been staring at the younger for way too long, trying to think of something to say but his brain isnt cooperating with him.
The night is colder than usual and Wonwoo thinks its probably the winter season approaching. He mentally facepalms himself for not wearing thicker clothes because he's very very cold but on the bright side, at least Mingyu's perfectly warm under his jacket, fluffy pyjama pants and uggs.
Wonwoo had once told Mingyu that uggs were too girly for him but the younger begged to differ as he retorted with an accusing finger, "The only thing girly here, is that mermaid socks you're wearing." And they ended up bickering in the shoe store for almost fifteen minutes before the older admitted his defeat.
He smiles at that memory, he cant believe how ridiculous their little arguments were. But that's what make them best friends right? They werent afraid of voicing out their thoughts to each other.
Wonwoo also notes the younger's change of hair colour. Its a strange colour but it suits him pretty well. Its no longer brown, but somewhere in between faded dark blue and gray. He looks more mature with this colour and he distantly tries not to think how hot he looks too.
When the wind blows, Wonwoo shivers and that's when Mingyu decides to break the silence. "Instead of trying to freeze yourself, how about you actually say something so we can get over whatever you want to talk about and get back inside." Mingyu says abit coldly and Wonwoo slightly winces. Mingyu had never use that tone with him.
The thing is, he does want to say something but all the words he wanted to say had been erased from his brain. He gets as far as opening his mouth before closing it again. Its like he lost his capability to speak. "Well?" Mingyu says again, but this time he meets Wonwoo's eyes. Mingyu's fringe falls slightly over his eyes and Wonwoo has to hold the urge to brush them away.
"I-- um. Mingyu-- uh, you see-- well--" He pauses, gaze falling to the ground as he sighs. "I dont know where to start."
There's another pause before Wonwoo gathers his courage to face Mingyu again. The younger is looking straight at him and Wonwoo wants to cower. He knows he looks pathetic and weak but with the look he's given, Wonwoo's confidence drops to the ground and he wants to run away. This was a bad idea.
"Why dont you start with returning my box." Mingyu suggests and Wonwoo immediately returns it to him before stepping back. "You read all of them?"
Wonwoo nods slowly and Mingyu's expression darkens. Okay, now Wonwoo is -scared. Maybe he'll make it out alive if he bolts now and maybe drop out of university and move back to his hometown. He takes a few small steps backwards.
"So is this why you're here? Because you feel sorry for me?" Mingyu asks softly, but there's a hint of anger in his voice.
Wonwoo frowns in confusion, "What?"
Mingyu dryly laughs, "After reading all of my letters, you felt sorry for me right? You're here because you pity me right? Or are you here out of guilt?"
The older shakes his head, "What? Mingyu, no! I'm here to fix things. I'm here to apologize. Not because I feel sorry for you or out of guilt but because I want to. I want things to be back to normal."
Mingyu tears his gaze away from Wonwoo and proceeds to stare at his shoes. "It doesnt work that way, hyung. Its not that easy for me to forgive you."
Wonwoo's heart clenches, "But you said if I wanted to come back, you'll always be there." His voice is cracking and he knows, somewhere in his heart, he knows he's too late.
"I know what I said. But i didnt think you'd come back so soon! You've been gone for so long and when I finally decide to let you go, you suddenly come back into my life. How do you expect me to feel?" The words come out sounding louder than he intended but Mingyu doesnt care. Its his turn to protect himself.
"I know I've been a , okay? I know I've hurt you in alot of ways. I know I've been selfish and avoided you without thinking about your feelings. I know I'm a few weeks too late but please, dont do this Mingyu. Give me another chance and I'll make it up to you. I'm sorry I left you behind. I'm sorry I made you worried. I'm sorry I couldnt give you the map that leads to me. I'm sorry I let us slip away so easily. I'm sorry I made you think you lost me. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm just so sorry for everything Mingyu."
Wonwoo knows he sounds desperate and he's the one who looks pitiful now but if this is what he needs to do to fix things, then he'll do it.
There's another pause of silence and Wonwoo wants to pull out his hair because the tension is killing him and Mingyu is still avoiding his gaze as his lips are sealed. Mingyu doesnt say anything for the next few minutes and Wonwoo is ready to give up. His heart is crushed. He's already bracing and preparing himself to go on with life without his best friend.
The older is about to walk away when Mingyu scoffs and Wonwoo's steps come to an abrupt stop. "You're sorry? After everything you've done, you're sorry? Hyung, I dont think you even understand what you've done to me! First, you lie to me. Then you ignore all my attempts to talk to you. Then you completely ignore my existence. Then you cut me off completely from your life. For twelve whole months. For a whole goddamn year, and now out of the blue you come back and say you're sorry. It must be really easy for you, huh?"
Wonwoo know he's not supposed to feel this way, but he can feel his blood boiling. Does the kid even know what he's saying? He turns around to face the younger as he argues, "Easy? You think its been easy for me? Well, I'm sorry but guess what. Nothing had been easy for me throughout the past year. Do you think I avoided you because I wanted to? Do you think I put myself through all that trouble, just because I wanted to? If that's what you think, then I can tell you that you're so wrong."
Mingyu looks taken aback with the sudden outburst but he quickly composes himself. He's about to argue back when Wonwoo cuts him off. "No, you listen to me Kim Mingyu. I'm completely done with your and I refuse to tolerate any more of this absurdity. You know what? If there's one thing you've correctly concluded in your letters, is that yes, I do hate you."
Wonwoo pretends to not notice how hurt the younger looks as his facade crumbles down. Instead of the mighty and i-dont-give-a--about-anything appearance he had a few minutes ago, Mingyu looks absolutely devastated and stunned.
Wonwoo knows he should stop before he hurts him even further, but he came all this way, might as well go all out right?
"I hate how you keep coming back each time I push you away. I hate how selfish you had been. I hate how you made me choose between Doyoon hyung and our friends. I hate how you made me break up with him. I hate how you left me to weep all by myself after that. I hate how you tore me away from that one person I truly loved. I hate how you think the world revolves around you. I hate how everything had always been about you. I hate how our friendship consists of you talking all the goddamn time. I hate how you never tried to get to know me better. I hate how you always made choices for me and never asked for my opinion. I hate how clingy you are and I hate the way you quoted Theodore Finch. I hate everything about you and mostly, I hate how you had the guts to even call yourself my best friend. Because the voice in your head was right. How could you do that to your own best friend?"
Mingyu can hear how angry the older is and honestly, it scares him. Wonwoo hardly got angry but when he does, its never about small, minor, petty things. And Mingyu knows he can choose to just end this once and for all and walk away but he thinks their long-term friendship deserves a proper closure.
Mingyu is sure his heart is shattered into pieces. Everything Wonwoo had said, was everything he already knew. Hearing them from the older's lips just hurt a little more than it should have. Mingyu may be angry at him too but he knows Wonwoo had a better reason to be. Wonwoo deserves to be angry after everything he had put him through.
"But you know what else I really hate? I hate how they made us kiss that night. I hate how I still want you in my life after everything you've done. I hate how I forgive you for being stupid and immature. I hate how I forgive you for making me choose our friends over Doyoon hyung. I hate how I forgive you for not being there when I needed you the most. I hate how I still let you make decisions on your own. I hate how I dont mind you talking all the time. I hate how I dont hate you for never trying to get to know me. I hate how adorable you were when you quoted Theodore Finch.
I hate how you think I was able to replace you so easily. I hate how you think I dont need you anymore. I hate how you think all those memories meant nothing to me. I hate how you think you're burdening and irritating to me. I hate how you think you're selfish when you're arent entirely. I hate how you think I dont care about you. I hate how you think you're not important to me. I hate how you still try to accept me. I hate how you still wait around for me, because cant you see? I'm trying to move on without you.
I hate how you tried to blame me for how things turned out between us. I hate how you get mad at me when I'm the one who's supposed to be mad at you. You said I didnt understand what I was doing to you but lets make something else clear, you dont have any idea what you're doing to me, dont you? And if it wasnt for that stupid kiss, I would have hated you so much more but I dont.
I hate how pathetic you make me feel. I hate how small and weak you make me feel. I hate how vulnerable and insecure you make me feel. I hate how you make me feel like punching you every time you say cheesy things. I hate how people say we look good together. I hate how you ask me to arrange a date for you. I hate how you always tell me about the girl you like in class. I hate how I find it hard to pull away when you hug me. I hate how I dont want to let go when you hold my hand. I hate how you make me feel things I dont want to feel. Oh my god, Mingyu. I dont think you even understand how much I really hate you."
This is it, Wonwoo thinks. Everything he had bottled up for the past year has been said, out in the open, completely exposed. The cold had been long forgotten as he continues to stand there.
He was never really sure if things had ever ended between them but when Mingyu doesnt say anything for the next few minutes. He knows. This time, they were over for good.
im sorry for the wait guys! i've been abit busy lately and i hope this chapter doesnt . i'll be updating the next chapter soon and it'll probably the last one :( comments are very appreciated! :D
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