It's not that Ten was arrogant or anything, he just believed in himself and his abilities. His mom always said that believing in oneself is the most important thing. What others thought was secondary, and he loved his mom, so he took her advice. Sure, being born in the Middle of Nowhere, Thailand wasn't ideal for someone with big dreams, but with enough effort and faith in himself, he trusted that he could achieve, if not everything he dreamed of, then at least some of it. 

This was his last year of high school and rather than study like crazy for a university entrance exam, he looked up tutorials online and practiced his singing, dancing and guitar skills, hoping to go to Bangkok when he is done, and join the entertainment industry. It kinda though, because this was probably his last year with all his friends in the same place, but everyone was so busy these last few months that they barely got to see each other outside of school. So while his friends had their noses in their books, he was left with a lot of free time that he mostly spent outside with his dogs.

He was coming back from the store one afternoon when he had to do a double take. Mrs. Nuamnui's house had been left empty for the past two years since her husband passed away and she moved away with her kids. According to his mom, she wasn't planning to sell the house and was going to come back eventually, once the grief subsided. And yet, there was now a man on the patio, a big suticase next to him, struggling with the lock. He dropped the keys and spat out something Ten didn't quite catch and from the overall vibe, he has pretty certain that the man wasn't Thai. But just as he gathered enough courage to walk over and offer to help, the lock cooperated and the man disappeared inside.

Over the course of the next few days, Ten couldn't help but keep a curious eye on his new neighbour. He heard his mom gossip over the phone about a foreigner moving into their street, and he even heard some girls in his class giggle and whisper about the handsome newcomer. During the day, he could be seen toiling in the overgrown garden, battling with the intense heat and humidity, trying to make the vegetation manageable. The man caught him staring one time and smiled politely, despite the fact that he was elbows deep in some weed or another, sweat dripping from the tip of his nose.

Half an hour later, Ten came back but the man wasn't to be seen. Undeterred, he balanced the plate of freshly baked cookies in one hand and knocked on the door with the other. After a few seconds, the door opened,

"Um, hello, do you speak Thai?", Ten asked in the said language carefully, but was met with a panicked expression,

"I-I'm sorry, I don't..."

"Ah, I got my answer.", the boy smiled and continued in English, "I asked if you speak Thai, but I suppose you don't.", thankfully, Ten was one of the best in his class when it came to languages, especially English, mostly owing to spending way too much time online, "Is English fine?"

The man visibly relaxed and returned the smile, "Yes, English is fine."

"I, um, I live just down the street here, and my mom sent me to bring you these and welcome you to the neighbourhood.", while his mom was a kind and friendly woman, she most certainly didn't send her son around to distribute her cookies to strangers, but it was the best excuse he could find to come and meet the man, "I'm Ten, by the way."

"Yixing,", he said and Ten didn't really catch that, "nice to meet you, would you like to come in?"

"Thank you.", he said as he walked in, "Wow, it's weird to see this place so empty."

"You were here before?"

"Yes, my mother's friend used to live here, I came a few times. Where are you from?"

"I'm from China.", the man smiled and gestured for them to go into the living room, "Drink?"

"Sure, can I have coke?", Ten beamed. He didn't know why he found all this so exciting, maybe because this was the first foreigner he ever met in person, despite having numerous online friends from across the globe. It also really didn't hurt that his new neighbour seemed to be quite kind. "That's so cool that you're from China! Why did you move all the way here?", seriously though, no one came to Chiang Mai Province just because.

"For work.", he said as he motioned to a little chair and offered him a glass of coke, "I work with the police."

By the time he finished his glass, which took him longer than usual due to the fact that he kept talking constantly, he was thoroughly fascinated by the newcomer. His English was fairly basic still and it was obvious he struggled with it, but he tried his best to answer Ten's numerous questions with kindness and patience. He also admitted that Ten was the first local that came to welcome him. He was thankful.

Ten found it difficult to balance his curiosity with basic manners. Yixing, whose name he couldn't pronunce, so they settled on the Chinese's international name, Lay, was quite busy with his work, but he seemed to welcome Ten's company and help in his free time. At least, that's what Ten hoped. It was entirely possible that Lay was just too nice to him to show otherwise.

"He is so cool, apparently he lived in Korea before and knows some Korean! And did you see his piercing? I wish my mom would let me pierce my ears.", he said sadly but then picked himself up just as quickly, "But maybe if she sees a respectable policeman with a piercing she will let me?"

"Oh my god, will you shut up about him for a second, Ten, I swear!", his classmate and best friend dropped her forehead onto the desk in exasperation.

"No but really you guys, do you think I'm too annoying and pushy? Should I leave him be? I mean, he asked me to help him move his things, I would be rude to refuse, right?"

"Yes.", the girl mumbled, face still stuck to the desk.

"'Yes' what?"

"Yes, you're annoying and pushy.", a boy answered instead, and placed his hand on Ten's shoulder, "But! He seems to appreciate having someone at least be nice to him in this backwards village. So when do we get to meet him too?", at these words, even the girl perked up.

"I don't know.", Ten groaned, "What if I am already bothering him, and besides, with your guys' English..."

"Our English is perfectly fine, thank you very much.", the girl sounded insulted.

"Ok, fine, I'll ask him if he wants me to bring along some friends to help him move his stuff in."

And Lay did. The late shipment of his things from Korea didn't seem to be very big, but having three eager young people help him with it, definitely sped things up. The awkwardness and tension due to the age difference and slight language barrier didn't seem to stop Ten from enjoying himself thoroughly. His friends ended up being too shy to speak to Lay in English, at least anything more than the basic "Yes.", "Here." and "Thank you.", so he fancied himself a translator which kinda made him feel cool. That is until he saw a guitar and made a high pitched yelp.

"Are you ok?", Lay turned towards him immediately, concern etched on his brow.

"It's so pretty!", the boy handled the instrument with care as he handed it to its owner.

"It's just a guitar, jeez.", came a side comment in Thai from one of his friends, but he didn't care, because Lay smiled at him and handed it back.

"Do you know how to play?", he asked.

"A bit.", Ten said and sat down on one of the boxes, plucking at the strings. They needed some tuning and Lay nodded giving him the permission to fix it.

"A bit?", the girl who introduced herself to Lay as Mint, exclaimed, "He is really good! He sometimes miss class just to play!"

"I'm not that good.", Ten shook his head and played a slow quiet tune, not to interrupt the girl after she finally gathered enough courage to speak some English.

"He is planning to go to Bangkok and become a star.", the other boy, Bambam, continued and Ten blushed and made a mistake, making everyone laugh.

"I never went to school for it though."

"Me neither.", Lay finally spoke, "But you shouldn't give up, you have talent."

The encouragement from his friends and his potential role model only sparked Ten's enthusiasm and ambition even further, and he decided to make himself a tight practice schedule and stick to it. He even gathered enough courage to ask Lay if he could teach him occasionally, and the other agreed.

♦

The first time he felt an uneasiness creep through his chest was when his mother dropped a glass of water she was bringing him, right into his lap.

In the course of the past few months, his mother became a bit more clumsy, but usually, by the time Ten arrived to the kitchen to help her clean up the mess she made, she would excuse it by tripping on the dog, or the pot being too hot, or the rug being uneven. But this time, there was no excuse. She was holding the glass and the next second she wasn't and her face told him that she knew as well that something was off.

"Ma, are you ok?", the boy asked, his throat dry and his stomach sinking. But she smiled, said the glass was still wet and slippery and went back to the kitchen to bring the cloth.

Something was wrong, he could feel it in the pit of his stomach. He sat in his room, phone in hand and contemplated calling his sister that studied in the capital of their province. But what was he going to say to her? He would just worry her needlessly. His father was out of the country as well, working hard to support them all. His friends were all studying for the slowly approaching entrance exams. Lay crossed his mind, but he quickly shook that thought out of his head. Last thing that man needed was a whiny brat with his thoughts all over the place, struggling to put his worries into foreign words.

Just as his mother walked in to ask him what he wanted to have for dinner, he got up, not even looking at her, and went out of the house. He passed by Lay's house, but it was empty as he was still at work. It didn't matter anyway, not like he was going to barge in on him like this. The only contact he had with the Chinese have been a few guitar sessions, but since they were both self thought, most of it just turned into them messing around and playing some music.

Thinking about that made him smile. Maybe he should think about the things that made him happy. He walked through the park and remembered the times his dogs were still puppies. A pair of girls he found nestled under the protruding tree roots surrounded by kids that wanted to play with them. They were too young to be alone, a passerby said, they will only last a few days like this. So he ran home crying, and dragged his mom and sister to come and see them. With his sister as his ally, their mother buckled and the rest is history. His thoughts turned morose again. Their mother.... Should he google it? But what would he type in the search anyway? "Can't hold things"? Right. He didn't know how to express what he suspected.

In the end, he just went back home and snuggled with his dogs hoping that he was wrong.

The following days, however, weren't much better. In fact, they were worse because now he interpreted every single thing she did as suspicious. She forgot where she put her glasses? Suspicious. She sneezed? Suspicious. She shooed away Bella the dog? Suspicious. At this point, he just accepted that he was being paranoid. Maybe he's spending way too much time at home. Good thing that he had a guitar class with Lay tonight. It will be good to see him. To play together and have a bit of fun, since that was impossible with his stressed out friends these days.

However, as soon as they started playing, it was obvious that things were off for both of them. Lay looked undeniably sad. It didn't take long since Ten met him, to conclude that Lay wasn't always the jolly type he came off to be at first. He was kind and seemed cheerful whenever he saw Ten, but it happened once or twice that Ten caught his smile falter ever so slightly. He also noticed, when he would pass by Lay's place and see him alone in the garden or through the window, there was no joy in his eyes. He chalked it up to loneliness at being alone in a new place where he didn't even speak the language. Since he started noticing it, he tried to find excuses to come over and say 'hi' as often as he could. 

But this was the first time that Lay was like that around him, even the slightest attempt at a smile failed him. But as Ten wondered about the cause, a soft voice shook him from the silence, 

"Are you ok?"

And only then Ten realised that it's been minutes since they both stopped playing, caught in their own thoughts. He automatically nodded, realising Lay stole the words from his mouth.

"Are you nervous about the trip and the audition?", Lay asked, and Ten offered a little smile.

"Not at all, I'm really excited!", but his tone didn't match his words, and he wondered at that. Because he was, he was super excited. He's only been to Bangkok twice in his life before and he loved every second of it. And as for the audition, his dance video already had hundreds of likes on YouTube alongside many comments that he was cute. Bragging about this to his friends caused Mint to ask him to go back to talking about Lay instead, because she couldn't stand his big head anymore.

"You don't sound excited.", Lay pointed out.

"I think there is something wrong with my mom.", Ten blurted out, and this was the first time he voiced his suspicions out loud. As soon as he did it, he felt a sharp painful pang in his chest. Lay sat up and put his guitar away.

"Why do you think that?"

"It's just that...there are all these small things. On their own it's nothing, but when you put them together they add up. And also, I think she knows. I saw her face change a few times, I think she knows there is something wrong, and it scares me.", so he told Lay about all the things that made his mom a bit less like what she used to be and he knew that none of it made any sense to anyone that didn't know her as well as he did. But ever since his sister went to Chiang Mai City, it's just been the two of them and the dogs, and she was his everything.

Lay suggested that he should talk to her about it, but Ten didn't know how and admitted that he was too scared. "Do you think it's something?", he asked Lay anxiously but the other one just sighed,

"I really don't know. All the medical knowledge I have is first aid. So if you ever need me, never hesitate to call me. But for things like these, I can't say anything, I would just be guessing."

"Maybe I'm just paranoid."

"Maybe. But if you need my help, or someone to talk to, I am here."

His worries about his mother, however, took a backseat to his excitement over his Bangkok trip. Bambam was also applying to a university in the capital so they went there together and had a blast. They stayed there for a few days following their exam/audition and daydreamed about how amazing it would be to study and work there together. It was a shame that Mint decided to study in Pattaya, but at least that wasn't as far away from them as it could be. 

When he got back, his mom gave him a hard time over the piercings he got done while there, but otherwise, she seemed happy for him too.

He beamed as he told Lay about all the things that fascinated him in the capital, but then he would remember that he should wait for the audition results before he goes ahead of himself. After all, the amount of talented people from all over the country and beyond that he encountered there shook even his confidence.

But it wasn't long after that, that it finally happened. Just as he started believing that he was seeing things, that he was imagining it, it happened and he felt like all his fears punched him in the face with a united force. The first thing he did when she called him into her bedroom, panic in her voice, was pick up the phone,

"Lay, are you home?", he tried not to scream, to keep her from panicking further, but his fear was obvious enough.

"Yes, I'm home! Should I come?"

"I need to get her to a hospital, she can't feel her legs and she can barely talk! Lay I don't know what to do.", he now fully cried but the Chinese tried to reassure him that he will be there in a minute with his car, and that he shouldn't worry. That they'll take care of her in the hospital, the doctors know what they are doing.

The wait at the hospital was excruciating. He tried to tell the doctors everything he remembered, every single thing that ever made him suspect that something was off, but his mind was blanking out and it was hard to talk when his voice refused to cooperate half the time.

"There go all my dreams.", he mumbled to himself as much as to Lay who was sitting beside him while they waited for Ten's sister and a diagnosis.

"What do you mean?", the older asked in confusion.

"How could I leave her alone like this."

"You don't even know what it is yet, maybe it's really nothing serious.", but the way he said it, Ten found it hard to believe that even Lay believed his own words.

"I knew something was wrong. I shouldn't have even bothered with Bangkok. I should have taken her to a doctor weeks ago."

"It'll be ok.", Lay said and put a gentle hand on his back. Ten realised that even though they've met some time ago now, this was the first time Lay actually touched him. "I'll help any way I can."

Few days later, and his mother was back from the hospital with a diagnosis. A diagnosis that left no room for doubt in Ten's mind.

"I am not leaving!", he shouted at his mother and sister.

"Ten, honey, you can't throw your bright future for me like this.", his mother said through tears.

"Who's going to take care of you then, huh? Bella and Sara?", he said sarcastically, "Or do you want her to drop her studies and move back here?", he pointed at his sister who just stared at the floor.

"We will manage. Your father will be here in three months, auntie Koko lives nearby, I will manage. Please, if you get accepted, you have to go!"

"Dad will stay for a month and auntie is 70 years old!"

"65.", his sister mumbled and he shot her a reproachful look. "Mom, do you understand how serious this is?", he went to crouch in front of her, "Depending on how bad it gets, you might not be able to move!"

"But I can be fine. With medication, the doctor said I can be fine for many years!"

"Ma, he is right.", his sister finally said with a shaky voice. "We can't leave you alone like this. I'm so sorry Ten. I'm really, so sorry.", she burst out into tears and he came to hug her. "When I'm done in 3 years, I will come back here, and then you can go and achieve your dream."

"Exactly. Hear that Ma, it will all be ok in the end."

♦

"I'm going to rot in this town.", Ten said dejectedly as he sat down on a dirty box in Lay's yard, "Just like that palm of yours.", he pointed to an unhealthy looking tree.

"It's not rotten."

"Then what's wrong with it?"

"Actually,", Lay straightened up, a pained expression on his face, albeit barely visible under two wide mud splats he wasn't even aware he had on it, "I have no idea."

"Why do you even bother with this garden though? You've been wrestling with it for months and there's still more weed than flowers.", but his neighbour just burst out laughing,

"You really are so negative today! How was that, the glass is half empty, right?"

"Right.", Ten said petulantly as he threw a little rock into an overgrown bush.

"You know, you should be happy Ma is doing well, instead of whining here like this. At least help me out if you're gonna be bothering me."

Ten smiled at him and got up, "I am happy, of course I'm happy. But I could have been happy in Bangkok, instead of pulling weeds with you here.", he tried to make it obvious that he was just teasing, and judging by Lay's snort and handwave, he caught up on it.

The doctors told them all that night that multiple sclerosis is an unpredictable disease but that in all likelihood, his mother will be doing fairly well at least for now. And thankfully, she was. But he knew that leaving her was not an option. He had a duty to her and he wouldn't be able to live with himself, or enjoy his life, knowing that he left her alone here.

Even Lay tried to get him to go, promising that he will be there for her if she needs anything, but she wasn't his responsibility, she was Ten's, and so he hugged his friends goodbye and stayed behind. If it weren't for Lay, he was sure he would have gone insane by now. In the past months, they've grown closer and their time together didn't stop just at guitar lessons. Lay came by regularly to visit Ten's mother and the woman took such a huge liking to the Chinese, even despite their language barrier, that she forced him to call her "Ma" as well (or the closest his pronounciation could get to it). She constantly talked to him, even if he couldn't understand anything, but she insisted that that's the best way to learn the language.

On the other hand, because they now spoke so much to each other, both Ten and Lay became much more comfortable with English and unless they really pushed it with some difficult conversations, the language was no longer an issue.

He even managed to learn some basic Chinese words and expressions, and already knew 10 characters. That will look really good on his future applications.

But every time he happily thought about the fact that he managed to develop such a close friendship with someone so cool (a foreigner, a policeman, someone so much older!), he realised that he actually knew absolutely nothing about the man.

He never managed to get a straight answer out of him about why he was there or how long he was staying. Never. At first, he thought maybe the answers weren't making any sense because of his poor English, but even when he asks him now, the questions somehow get deflected and glossed over and eventually forgotten, so by now, Ten felt too embarrassed to bring them up again. Same went for questions regarding his family. All he knew was Lay had no family. That was it.

He supposed it made sense, after all, no one in their right mind, especially not one with Lay's potential, came to live in a muddy town in some province in Thailand unless they had a past just as muddy, and he often found himself daydreaming about what it might be. But usually he would hit a wall as soon as he remembered that Lay was a certified police officer, transferred here willingly from Korea. With those facts, his ideas about him being a refugee, a murderer, a mafioso or a war criminal, all fell into the water. However, the undeniable sadness that he noticed so long ago was always present, and that made him believe that whatever his story was, it wasn't an easy or a happy one, so he never asked. All he wanted to do was become someone that Lay could confide in if he ever wanted to. But so far, there was no indication of that happening.

Then again, he couldn't say that Lay was cold and aloof either. There was definitely affection there, both for him, and for other people around them. Even for the plants in the overgrown garden that he tried so hard to salvage. This softness of his soul was most obvious when he played music. Ten's guitar playing skills rivalled Lay's already, owing to his dedication to the craft despite his chances of joining entertainment thinning so drastically, but Lay had one thing Ten never thought he could challenge - Lay could create art. Both on the guitar and his computer, Lay created songs. Ten discovered this only recently, and mostly by accident. He fell asleep in Lay's garden while the two of them were painting the fence, and woke up to Lay who was playing something on the guitar, singing softly. He didn't show he was awake until the song was done. 

"That's a really beautiful song. What's it called?", he asked as he the garden chair to face the other.

"I don't know.", Lay mumbled and put the guitar down to check if the first layer of paint was dry. Apparently it was.

"Oh, so it's not some famous Chinese classic?"

"No.", he paused as if contemplating if he should elaborate, "I wrote it."

Ten all but jumped out of his chair, "You did?! You're joking right?"

The only answer was a little smile and shake of the head as Lay started painting the fence again.

"Really though, you wrote that? But that's, like, a whole song! With lyrics and all."

"It is."

"You can do that? You can make actual songs and in all this time, you never told me?"

"What is there to tell Ten, it's not a big deal.", Lay shrugged.

"Do you have more like that?", Lay nodded, "I want to hear them."

"Maybe some other time."

It was the typical Lay-conversation-ender. Ten took the paint brush and dipped it carefully into the bucket, but this didn't sit well with him. They've been hanging out together for months now, a lot of it while playing music, and he didn't even know his friend composed stuff. And even now that he knew, apparently that was another big secret that he wasn't supposed to be in on.

"What's it about.", Ten pushed.

"The song?"

"Yes the song.", he rolled his eyes, but Lay just shrugged. Ten thought that was it and was starting to get seriously annoyed. He was contemplating how to sulk most effectively, when Lay spoke,

"I guess it's about missing someone."

For some reason, perhaps because of the way he said it, Ten felt his chest tighten. It's almost like he could feel the loneliness behind those words. He himself knew a thing or two about missing people, after all, he only saw his father and sister a few times a year, but this sounded different and he decided to leave it alone.

♦

The trouble was that even though he didn't get to learn more about the Chinese's past in over a year since his arrival to this town, he did get to learn more about who he was as a person. He was kind and talented, hardworking and selfless, and Ten was undeniably in love with him by now. He only ever told Mint this in their late night chats and she said she wasn't surprised,

"Who wouldn't be though, he's so hot!", she said and Ten felt almost insulted, because that wasn't it at all. That is to say, it's not that he was some epically deep person immune to other people's good looks, and it's not like he's blind when it comes to Lay, but that just wasn't it at all. There was so much more to him than appearance, he tried to explain, but he was never very good with words.

"Well, that sounds serious pall. But I hope you understand that to him you're just a kid."

"But I'm not though! I'm almost 20."

", we're old...", she mumbled into the microphone, "Well, what do I know anyway, it's been too long since I saw either of you, maybe he feels the same, but I don't want to see you get hurt."

"Don't worry about that. I am pretty sure he doesn't feel that way about me. I think he's straight anyway so...."

In conclusion, he though, he can't get hurt if he has no expectations. It also helped a lot that Lay always kept him at arm's length, both physically and emotionally. Every time he tried to get through to him, to find out what it was that prevented any of his smiles from being complete and genuine, he was pushed back. Every. Single. Time. This hurt not just because the person he liked kept pushing him away, but because it hurt seeing Lay like that. Even though his life in their town seemed nice enough, underneath it all, he was unhappy. Also, Ten noted, counterintuitively, his sorrow only seemed to grow with time. Usually, one would think, sadness would slowly ebb away after whatever caused it, and the person would learn to deal. But that didn't seem to be the case with Lay.

"I saw him crying the other day.", he confided in his friend.

"What do you mean 'you saw him', where?"

"Well, I was thinking of dropping by, but before I could knock I saw him through the window.", he admitted guiltily, "he was reading a letter or something, and crying. I felt really bad because I know he wouldn't want me to see him like that."

"Oh, so he maybe got some bad news?"

"No, no. The letter was old, it was basically falling apart, it wasn't new."

"Aha,", his friend said sceptically, "And you got all that from your little accidental glance, you stalker. Admit it, how long did you just stand there, watching him like a creep."

"It wasn't like that.", Ten sighed in exasperation, "Why do I even tell you anything, you always make me into some weirdo. But don't you see, something bad happened in his past-"

"And that's none of your business!", she interrupted, "Until he willingly tells you, his past is none of your business. Whatever it is, it's obviously hard for him to talk about, so just respect that and leave him alone, you nosy brat."

"Real talk now Mint,", Ten said seriously, "this is not about me and my curiosity, I am worried about him."

"I know.", she sighed sadly, "But I just don't know what to tell you. You know him better than any of us, but I'm also worried about you."

"Me? Why?"

"Because you're in love with someone you know nothing about, and because for all you know, he might walk out of your life tomorrow, and what will you do then?", her words were met with silence, "I know it's nice to be in love and all, but I think this particular case is more than you can handle, seeing as all your previous dating experience was handled online, and before you protest, I didn't mean to drag you for it, I just mean...I don't even know anymore."

"I know what you mean...", he confirmed. He might be almost 20 but really, he had very little first hand experience with relationships. Even in the miraculous case that Lay felt something for him too, what sort of a relationship would that be?

♦

"You have to come, it's non-negotiable!"

"It's non-what?", the Chinese asked obviously confused,

"Negotiable. It means you have no choice. You are required to attend or I will never talk to you again.", Ten demanded, but really, the whole point of this party was to draw his friend out into the world again. In the past few weeks Lay has shut himself off from almost everyone, albeit subtly so. At first, after moving here, he seemed eager to learn as much Thai as he could and communicate with the locals. He seemed to happily chat with others even through the language barrier. He even seemed to have some friends at work, from what Ten gathered. But then slowly the eagerness dimmed and Ten figured that if he didn't make it a habit to drop by his place often, Lay wouldn't even lift a finger to see him unless Ma needed something.

"But they are your friends, I don't even know any of them."

"Lay please.", the cockiness in the younger's voice was gone and he outright pleaded now, "I just really want you there.", he racked his brain for a good excuse. He knew that telling Lay he was doing this for his benefit wouldn't do anything, he had to make it about himself, "It's been ages since I've been to Chiang Mai City and seen most of them. I know I look like a social butterfly, but it's only around people that I know well, and after being stuck here for ages, the only one I know "well" right now is you."

There was a little smile on Lay's face now and Ten barely stopped himself from clapping happily at his own successful persuasion.

It was his school-friend's birthday and they haven't seen each other since they finished highschool and the other went to study in the city. Bambam and Mint lived too far away and couldn't make it to the party, but many of his school friends could and he looked forward to seeing them. But what he looked forward to the most was spending more time alone with Lay. Lay offered to drive them there and back so Ten wouldn't have to stay the night in the city, and Ten busied himself daydreaming about how well they are going to get to know each other during the 2 hour drive. To his surprise, when Lay picked him up, he seemed more cheerful than he's been in a while.

"Thank you for blackmailing me to come, it's nice to change the daily routine from time to time.", he admitted once they left the confines of the town.

"I didn't blackmail you!"

"I have dealt with blackmail enough in my career as a policeman to know that what you did is exactly blackmail. Look it up in the dictionary."

"Do you think I have what it takes to become a cop?"

"But I thought you were studying to become a nurse?"

"Bah,", Ten waved his hand, "It's just so I am doing something until my sister moves back into town. I am not prepared to spend the rest of my life changing diapers on old people."

"I think you would be a horrible policeman.", Lay joked, or at least Ten hoped, but after a small pause added, "Still, you can't be worse than me, so you might as well go for it if you want."

"Wait, you are a bad cop?"

"I am not a 'bad cop', I am just not very good at being a cop."

"Well, that would certainly explain how you ended up here."

Really though, that was probably the biggest mystery so far. What on earth did this man do to get transferred to a small town in north Thailand. Ten hoped that this conversation would continue, but he should know better by now. The rest of the ride didn't prove too fruitful either. Lay played some Chinese music and sang to it, which made Ten realise just how much he loved the man's voice. They also talked a bit about Ten's sister who was only two years younger than Lay. Ten tentatively tried to suss out if the other had any interest in her, pretending to want to hook them up. In reality, he would probably jump off a bridge if that happened, but thankfully, there was no spark in his companion's eyes when they talked about her. The best Ten got out of the conversation was that Lay thought she was very pretty, and then he eventually also said that Ten and her look alike.

"So you think I'm pretty too then!", Ten teased praying to god that his blush didn't show.

"You're a man, do you want to be pretty? Don't you want to be handsome?"

"Let's settle for good-looking then?"

"Ok."

Ok? Really? What does that even mean. Ten often wondered if Lay was so curt and unspecific when he spoke Chinese too. Or maybe that was just how all Chinese people were.

As soon as they got to the party he realised just how glad he was to have Lay there. His friends have changed so much in the course of this year, it was ridiculous. Most of them had girlfriends or boyfriends or were just making out with whoever. Whenever anyone talked to him, it was always about who was studying what and how well they did, and by the second hour of the party, he was more than done explaining why he was only pursuing a degree in nursing in their home town. He should have known it would be like that, but he chose to not believe all the dumb movies that made every reunion about comparing success.

"Easy on that drink Ten.", Lay said gently and took the glass from his hand, "If you want to leave, just say the word."

"You know, I kinda love the fact that you came with me.", his tone was snarky, "And not just because I enjoy your company, but at the moment, you're the only good thing about me. Half the girls in this place would drop their for you if only you looked at them. But you're here, with me, my friend. They probably don't even know English well enough to talk to you."

It would probably be a good idea to shut up right about now, but the alcohol and the bitterness egged him on. "Although,", he continued, "if you wanted to look at any of them, don't mind me. I'm sure they won't mind the language barrier, if you know what I mean.", he said bitterly and took the drink back from Lay and finished it in one gulp.

"I think you know that I have no interest in that. But if you want to talk to any of them, I won't stop you"

For whatever reason this made Ten's heart beat in his chest in such a way that he swore he felt it in his throat. "So in the car.."

"Yeah?"

"You just said 'Ok'."

Lay just looked confused as he rummaged through his memory with a frown.

"When I asked you if you thought I was pretty, in the end, you just said 'Ok'."

"Ah, that.", Lay exclaimed and shrugged.

"I didn't understand. Do you think I'm good-looking or not?", he asked, but the drink he downed didn't give him enough courage to look at the man, so he just looked at his hands. Lay laughed lightly,

"'Ok' meant that I agree that you are good-looking. Ten, you're better looking than most boys here, if not all of them, you really shouldn't have problems getting a girl if you want to."

Ten turned and regarded his friend with wide eyes. Did he really think that that was what he was concerned about? Was Lay really so dense or was he pretending? Maybe he was just so painfully straight that it didn't even cross his mind that Ten meant something else.

"Or, you know,", Lay corrected himself, "if you're not into cheap thrills, you can still talk to a girl you like, see if it goes anywhere."

"Are you into cheap thrills?"

Maybe because out of everything, he chose to ask this particular question, and it caught Lay off guard, but the look the other gave him was too charged with something Ten didn't quite understand in his hazy state.

"No. I'm not.", he said seriously.

But before Ten could stick his teeth into this temporary moment of vulnerability, and try to draw something more out of his friend, a girl he used to occasionally hang out with in high school, and the only one who seemed genuinely pleased to see him, slumped down next to them and let out a long sigh,

"Glad to see I'm not the only one enjoying this party.", sarcasm obvious in her tone, "I'm gonna bail and go to a club with my friends, you guys wanna join?"

It took surprisingly little to convince Lay of this and man, was Ten glad they went. Something happened to Lay in that club, and all Ten could do was watch as his guard slipped with the beat of the music, eyes closed and hips swaying. Lay was in charge of driving, and he hasn't touched a drink the whole night, but the music around them was enough to intoxicate him and Ten wondered when he will stop finding these little things that made him fall for the other. This is also where he realised that Lay didn't mind same relationships, because although this wasn't a gay bar, it was definitely open to all sorts of things, judging by their surroundings.

His own feelings aside, it was nice to see Lay finally relax and enjoy himself a bit, and he concluded that his effort to drag him to the city paid off. As for himself, he had so much fun that night that when they got into the car, he just crashed and slept throughout the ride home.

♦

When he woke up the next morning the only thing he could think about was Lay. This in fact wasn't too unusual, but that other side of him, that he saw in the club, it was the most captivating thing he had ever seen. The usually quite stern and quiet man, let the music take over him. He barely even talked to anyone while Ten made new friends. He barely even talked to Ten. He was so consumed and it was as if the music served as the place where Lay could just be himself. Ten regretted drinking so much last night. When the alcohol hit him hard on the dancefloor and when he realised he won't be able to prevent himself from doing something stupid and making a fool of himself in front of Lay, he distanced himself and hung out with his new friends, only observing from the sidelines. But the precious time they had together in the car, he spent sleeping and he wondered if he just now dreamt it, but he was almost sure that there were tears in Lay's eyes those few times he woke up in a haze during the ride.

That evening he took his guitar and walked the all too familiar path to his friend's house. Lay was already plucking at the strings, writing things in his notebook, but as soon as Ten came in, the notebook was closed and put to the side.

"Hey,", the younger greeted, "were you writing a song? I can come back later."

"No, it's ok, come in.", Lay said halfheartedly, with the little strained smile on his lips, and Ten's heart sank at the realisation that last night didn't really change anything. He put the guitar down and sat down next to Lay.

"Thank you for last night.", Ten realised he was now mirroring the tone Lay set, and wondered when the other started having such an impact on his own mood.

"No, thank you. I had fun too.", he said, but his tone didn't match his words.

"Really?", Ten asked sceptically, but Lay brought out a real smile this time, as if to reassure him,

"Yes, really. I'm glad I came with you, and it was nice to see you have fun with your friends again."

"I met some really cool people too, I wish I could go there more often.", he said offhandedly.

"You must be really lonely here, with all your friends gone.", the sadness crept back on Lay so suddenly, it caught Ten completely off guard, "I'm sorry I can't be a better friend to you."

"Why are you saying that?", where did this come from? Didn't he know just how much he meant to Ten? That without him around, he literally would have gone crazy by now? That seeing him, even for a few minutes, was always the highlight of his day?

"Because you try so hard to be good to me, but I can't...", the grip around his guitar tightened and he closed his eyes, "I just can't be happy."

These words finally shattered Ten's heart. For over a year now, he has been a bystander in this man's life, trying his best but still unable to fix whatever was eating away at him, slowly but steadily. At that moment he knew, that the tears in the car last night were not a dream, they were there, as if every time Lay smiled, it backfired. The words took away his ability to think, because all he wanted at that moment was to make Lay take them back. Just take those words back, and smile at him, just once, genuinely. But Lay's eyes were getting damp, and his fingers slowly trembled and Ten leaned forward and felt their lips touch. He placed a gentle kiss on them before Lay jerked back and his eyes shot open,

"What are you doing?"

"I just..just...", but the look of dismay in Lay's eyes told Ten everything. This was a mistake, a horrible mistake. His eyes got watery in a matter of seconds and he got up and stammered, "I just want you to be happy.", before running out of the house.

What the was he thinking. He knew that Lay didn't see him that way. At best he saw him as his little brother, at worst, as the only person he could talk to in this god forsaken place. But not as a lover, never as a lover and Ten knew that. It ate at him inside and broke his heart when he thought about it but that much he knew, that Lay didn't feel that way about him. Why should he anyway. They weren't even in the same league. Having someone like Lay like him is something Ten can only dream about, so he never even harboured any hopes. He never should have done this. But he just couldn't help it. He ran back to his place, ignoring his mother, and locked himself in his room. He made a mistake. Not only has he now lost his best friend here, but instead of making Lay happy, he only added to his pain and worries and made him feel horrible. Lay had every right never to speak to him again.

♦

He was sitting in his room, one of his dogs nestled next to him on the bed, when he heard the doorbell to his house ring. Bella jumped down from the bed to go and see what's going on, but the door was closed so she just came back to bed, her head perked up in interest. Then he heard the familiar voice greet his mother and he stiffened. 

"Ten, can I come in?", the visitor asked after giving a light knock and he barely managed to squeeze a "Yeah." in response, too surprised to even contemplate the state of his room until it was too late.

Lay got in, Ten's guitar in hand, and smiled at Bella that came to greet him before looking at the boy who looked thoroughly unrepresentative after staying in bed all morning.

"Mind if I sit down?", he asked, pointing at the lone chair in the room. His aura was so thoroughly brotherly that Ten immediately felt ashamed of what he had done. He nodded and Lay dragged the chair closer and sat down.

"You left your guitar at my place.", it was obviously just an excuse to talk and Ten again felt so guilty that he put them in this situation. He didn't even know what to say, so Lay continued, "About what happened yesterday," he said carefully, "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on."

"You didn't lead me on, it wasn't your fault.", he paused a bit, trying to wrestle with the shame he felt, "I was stupid, I don't know what I was thinking.."

"You're not stupid.", he said gently.

"I really like you.", Ten finally admitted after taking a deep breath, "But I know you don't see me that way.", he finished dejectedly.

"I honestly didn't realise, and that is entirely my fault. There is nothing wrong with what you did, but I just can't like you, not like that, I'm sorry."

Ten felt like an idiotic child, "I know, why would you.", but this made Lay sigh and a few moments passed where it seemed like he was trying to find the words to express his thoughts.

"I have someone else, Ten, this is why I can't like you. It has nothing to do with you.", Ten wasn't even surprised. "As for you liking me though, that I don't understand. You don't even know me. You know nothing about me. What is there to like?"

"What is there to like?", Ten repeated incredulously, "About you? You must be kidding me.", but Lay just dismissed this with a shake of his head,

"You don't like me, you like the idea you constructed around the little you know about this person."

His crush really was so dumb, Ten though and couldn't help but smile a bit,

"Well, if you continue sounding like Oprah, I will stop liking you.", he was so relieved when he saw Lay laugh at this. And just like that, the tension was gone. Ten promised himself that he will not let these feelings develop any further but he was also determined to make the most of this new situation and try to turn whatever this was into a more genuine friendship. "It was my first kiss with a guy", Ten eventually said.

"I'm sorry it didn't turn out so great. Are you gay then?

"I...I don't know...", this was a question he asked himself quite often, "I just...I don't know.", but never could answer with certainty.

"It's ok, I don't know either.", Lay laughed sympathetically, "I guess it doesn't matter, we like who we like, right."

"Right!", that's exactly how Ten always felt, but suddenly he was confused. Somehow he constructed this idea that Lay's "someone" must have been his wife that tragically died in a fire or something. "So wait,", he asked carefully, "You said you have someone, is it a guy then?", he was fully expecting Lay not to answer, or to deflect as he usually did, but for once, that didn't happen.

"Yeah."

Holy . 

"But, where is he?"

"I don't know."

"What? You don't, oh, is he...ok?"

"I think so, I don't know.", he smiled sadly , "It's complicated, we can't be together right now, but I will wait for him."

"Wow man, that's some mysterious .", never did it cross Ten's mind that getting some answers to his questions would only serve to confuse him further, "You know, sometimes I think about what your deal is, like, what if you're actually a killer?", at that Lay burst out into a fit of laughter,

"What if I am. Maybe it would be good for you to stay away from me from now on."

"Hah, no way. If you are, then I want to be your apprentice, you know, Leon style!"

"You shouldn't joke about stuff like that.", Lay said, but his smile wasn't gone yet.

"Oh come on, like you never wanted to kill someone."

Lay snorted, but eventually said, "I am serious though. I never should have let it come to this, but I hope that we can still be friends. I don't want anything to change between us."

"I do.", Ten was determined this time, "I want you to tell me things. I want us to be able to talk. I am tired of your secrets and I think you are too. You now know every single thing there is to know about me, so if you want us to be friends, this has to work both ways."

"But I can't.", Lay said sadly and Ten felt like he was hitting his head against a very thick wall,

"Why!? You say you want us to be friends, but you don't trust me at all."

"Ok.", he sighed, "What do you want to know?"

"That's not how it works. I don't have a list of questions I want to ask you. I just, I want you to not shut me out when I do ask, that's all."

And it did get better after that. He finally heard some of Lay's songs, and because they were beautiful, he wanted to hear more. But he realised that most of them were written for and about his missing boyfriend, and that playing them made Lay sad, so he didn't push. Lay really had no family other than his grandparents and he didn't have many friends either. But anything regarding the boyfriend and his disappearance was out of bounds. He just couldn't talk about it for whatever reason and Ten decided to try to respect that.

♦ 

A few months after that, Ten got awesome news. Bambam was moving back to their province and was going to continue his studies in Chiang Mai. Naturally, he was beside himself with happiness because this meant they would get to see each other much more often. In fact, Ten now had a few pretty good friends in the city and went there every other weekend already. Sometimes he would manage to drag Lay with him too and enjoy watching him dance and have fun.

As for Lay, his initial plan and promise to himself, to curb his feelings and make them more brotherly, failed. However, since they were now closer than ever, and since he knew that even if he can't have him, no one else can either, that is, until the mysterious boyfriend returns, he could live with it. It also made him happy to see that Lay was settling down pretty well here. His language skills were quite decent by now, he got a promotion at work, and he had a few work colleagues that he hung out with occasionally. 

But it was around Lay's second birthday in Thailand when things started going south again. Ten wanted to do something special for it, but Lay was very firm about not wanting any fuss. He didn't want to go to the city to celebrate, and he didn't want any parties either. In fact, he said, all he wanted was to stay at home and be on his own.

"But that's such a lonely way to spend your birthday.", Ten told him, but Lay smiled,

"I hope it won't be.", then he took a deep breath, "I hope he will write to me tomorrow."

"Oh.", it came out almost without any sound, "So he writes to you?", maybe he was being delusional, but in his mind, Ten imagined that the missing boyfriend was by now almost a figment of Lay's imagination. An ex, or something, that didn't keep in contact. Now he realised that he probably constructed this story to make it easier on himself.

"Sometimes.... rarely.."

"When is the last time you heard from him?", at this question, Lay's smile faltered and he looked down,

"January."

Ten knew that expressing his shock at this fact would be a douchy move so he tried to say as casually as possible, "Why do you guys contact each other so rarely?"

Long distance relationships were the only kinds Ten ever had, in fact, he was involved in one right now, but they usually included night long chats, or everyday texting, not messages once every year and an uncertain birthday greeting.

However Lay just shook his head and mumbled, "It's complicated.", but Ten wasn't having it this time,

"I'm a smart guy, I'm sure I can understand even the complicated stuff."

"Look, I don't want to talk about it, ok. I shouldn't have said anything.", he said in annoyance, "It's none of your business anyway."

"Of course it's my business. Look at you! You are honestly sitting here, telling me that you will spend your own birthday cooped up at home, waiting to potentially hear from some guy who last contacted you almost a year ago? Do you know how crazy that sounds?"

"I do, which is why I prefer not to tell you anything at all. But for some reason you feel you have the right to stick your nose into my business when it is clear I don't want to talk about it."

This was the final straw as far as Ten was concerned, "Stick my nose in your business? Is that what I've been doing for the past year and a half, huh, Lay?", he got up, "I guess I went ahead of myself in thinking I was your friend.", he spat out and left.

He was seething. Whatever ing issues Lay had, and he obviously had plenty, he had no right to treat him like this. Not after all this time and after Ten had been so patient. He went home and vented to Mint about it.

"What do you know about that "boyfriend" of his anyway?", she asked,

"Nothing. I literally don't know anything except that he has the most beautiful ing eyes, according to Lay's songs, or the few parts I can understand."

"How do you even know he exists?"

"What sort of a question is that? You think he invented him just to blow me off? Seems a bit drastic when a simple 'no' would have sufficed?"

"That's not what I meant, but, like, think about it. It's some guy you know nothing about, and he disappeared at some point and not even Lay knows where he is or when he will come back. He is constantly in pain over it, but instead of looking for him or something, he is sitting in a little town in South East Asia, waiting for him."

"Well, yeah, it sounds weird, but, I mean, what are you trying to say then?"

"I don't know, but something just sounds off and seriously weird."

"Great, wouldn't it be fantastic if it turned out I was in love with a delusional psycho. That would sound like me though."

"I told you this will be complicated from the get go. I don't think you have any right to be mad at him though, he always made it very clear that he didn't want to talk about this with you and since you're not his boyfriend, you have no right to expect anything of him."

"But I'm his friend! I have the right to worry about him! If some douche was making me feel like for months on end, wouldn't you feel worried too?"

"Did you just hear yourself, because that is literally what is happening now."

"He is not a douche!", Ten said defensively, but caught himself even before his friend started laughing, ", now I feel guilty. What's the time?"

"Just past 9 I think."

"I'll send him a message at midnight."

So he did. He sent him a birthday message where he apologized and said he doesn't want them to fight and that this should be a happy day. The app informed him that Lay saw the message, but lack of any response for minutes left Ten feeling extra bad. After half an hour of silence, he picked up the gift he got him and went out.

There was no one in the livingroom which he could clearly see from the window, so he knocked. Nothing. He knocked louder and when no one answered, he sighed and shouted,

"Lay, I'm gonna come in so if you don't want me to, you'll have to tell me that."

He went in and as he saw from the outside, the livingroom and the kitchen were empty. Apart from the bathroom, he never went to any other room in the house, so he proceeded towards the other rooms carefully,

"Lay, are you there?"

He will feel so guilty if he wakes him up on top of everything, but it would be quite unusual for Lay to go to bed this early.

"Go away.", a muffled sound came from one of the rooms in the back and Ten decided that he should look in on him just in case, since he was already there.

"Oh man.", he sighed at the sight in Lay's recording room. He was sitting on the little sofa with his face in his hands, obviously crying.

"I told you to go away.", he mumbled, but Ten ignored him and sat down next to him,

"Come here.", he said and tried to collect the older into his arms, but Lay resisted, "I'm not going to try anything, I promise, just come here.", and he finally managed to pull him into a hug as Lay just continued sobbing. "I'm so sorry for what I said, I'm sorry.", Ten said gently, trying to do something, anything to comfort his friend, "It's none of my business, you were right, I'm really sorry."

"I miss him so much."

There was so much pain in these words that it almost brought tears to Ten's eyes.

"It's been so long, too long. I just miss him so much.", he sobbed even harder, and Ten his hair and held him tight hoping that these little gestures can ease at least some of the pain. But how anyone could find themselves in a situation like this, he just couldn't understand. How do you love someone this much without having seen them or heard from them for such a long time without any knowledge of where they are or what they are doing.

"You must really love him."

"I promised...", Lay started saying but choked up. He then pulled away from Ten and waited a few seconds to stop crying or at least be able to talk, "I promised him I won't cry. That is the only thing he made me promise, to be happy, to not cry.", but then the tears returned and he just gestured at himself in disgust, "But look..."

"Let's be happy then.", Ten suggested and Lay gave him an incredulous look, "It's your birthday, I am sure he would want you to have fun. Let's do something fun."

"But what if...", Lay pointed to his laptop and Ten cocked his eyebrow,

"Well you can't spend the whole day just staring at the screen waiting for his message. Let's watch or play something, and you can check regularly."

It was almost dawn when they realised they can barely keep their eyes open. There was no apparent sign that his boyfriend contacted him, but he did get many messages from his friends from all over and it seemed to balance out the disappointment at least a bit. He spent a long time talking to a former colleague in Korea and while talking to him, he sometimes laughed but sometimes his brow was creased. Ten didn't ask and just tried to distract him afterwards.

"I need to sleep, you should go now.", Lay said eventually,

"Will you be ok?"

"Yeah, all I can do now is go straight to sleep."

Ten eyed him sceptically for a second but decided that what Lay said was true, they were both beyond sleepy at this point,

"I will see you tomorrow?"

"Alright, I'll let you know when I wake up."

"Do! Or I'll get really mad. We can go and play some basketball maybe."

"Sounds like a plan.", Lay said with a smile.

♦

Ten didn't even need to ask if the missing boyfriend made himself known. Lay's depression spoke volumes. Ten was grateful for his nursing classes where they taught him how to handle people in a fragile state of mind and how to gently coax them to do things he wanted them to. He kept reminding Lay of the promise he gave his boyfriend and as a result managed to drag him to the city more often, where the music would at least temporarily ease his pain. He also suggested that they should maybe start making some music together, and for every sad melody Lay came up with, Ten countered with a happy one and in the end they found that what they had was pretty interesting. The recording device Ten gifted him for his birthday came in handy for this, and it seemed that creating songs that weren't just about his boyfriend, had a therapeutic effect on his friend. 

It was already early December and Ten and Lay decided to finalize some of their songs and gift them to Ma as a New Year's gift. He was on his way to Lay's since they made plans to record a bit but just as he was about to knock he paused. Through the window next to the door he saw Lay getting something out of the fridge when a person approached him from behind. Maybe it's a work colleague, Ten though, until that someone extended their hands and put them on Lay's hips drawing him closer. Ten inhaled sharply, and when Lay turned around to face the stranger with a smile, and when he flung his arms around his neck, kissing him, Ten's mouth fell open. Just as he was about to turn around and leave, Lay noticed him, said something to the stranger and dragged him to the door.

"I'm sorry, I...", Ten tried to say when the door opened, but words failed him. In front of him stood the Lay he has never seen before. His eyes and smile so bright that they were blinding. Lay waved a hand in dismissal, indicating that it's all fine, and then put his arm around the other person's waist,

"Sorry, I forgot you were coming. Let me introduce you, Ten, this is my boyfriend, Lu-.", but the other man smiled and extended his hand, "Lin Chong, nice to meet you, Ten."

Lay tightened his grip around the man's waist, and just like that, Ten was treated to the ever elusive genuine smile he had been craving to see for so long.