d - 1

a party is where i am right now. not the wasted kind of party, just people eating around and chit–chatting with each other. a blast of definitely-not-my-type music, and the crowd that i kinda hate.

 

it's his farewell party, his and siwon oppa's. tomorrow is the day he enlists, so this party happens. the idea of the party is pretty ed up, i know. he shouldn't just leave like that tomorrow, waking up after a wasted night, his bloated face full of vomit stains and stuff. that's just... bad, y'know. but oh, i should just mind my now wasted time instead of thinking about those s. not helpful.

 

you guys are probably wondering why i'm even here if i don't even care about his enlistment or him leaving. well, to think about it, i don't even know the reason too. i was just pulled by victoria, and here i am sitting alone. one table, four seats and only one filled. pathetic. 

 

at times like this, usually junmyeon or jonghyun will come up and be my company. but neither of them both are even here tonight, which makes me feel lonely even more. but being in home doesn't make anything better either—sigh—so i guess i'm stuck.

 

"i thought you're not coming?" one of my manager–hyunjun oppa comes up to see me. as i see it, he seems surprised. of course, because this is so not jung soojung's place. the last time i was at the party... oh, it was the halloween party, surprisingly for me.

 

"vic eomma dragged me here. oppa, i want to leave but i don't want to."

 

"you weren't in a good term with changmin, why are you even here anyway? want to go to a date?"

"can't i come for siwon oppa, then? don't even talk about date. you're too handsome to go out with me right now."

 

hyunjun oppa replies with a smug smile, the guy knows he's too handsome for a manager. even i know it too. to be honest, he was once my crush, probably after minho oppa. but i knew the thing won't work out so i just stopped liking him. sometimes he would gave me those little butterflies feelings too, but i just shrugged it off. liking him is a silly thing to do anyway.

 

"fine then. the other managers aren't here, so call me if you want something." he offers and pats my head before he walks to somewhere i don't bother to look.

 

i'm left alone again. with no one to talk to, no one sitting beside me nor even say hi and stuffs. hell, i don't even know if the people here notice my existence. 

 

tired of the boredom and loneliness, i stand up and decide to walk around the area. it's a big, hotel ballroom. the kind of SM would rent, definitely the expensive one. due to that it's a bit hard to find victoria at this rate, but let's just forget about it right now. i walk around, trying to find nothing but food. walk and walk, until then i find him. 

 

the thing i really am not in the mood to see right now. 

 

and beside him is—whoa—her, that two faced . seo joohyun.

 

oh really, what a sight for the not-in-the-mood jung soojung. 

 

the sight of them laughing and conversing about craps that i don't wanna know (but actually am dying to know) makes me grab a glass of wine. i take closer steps to them. the glass of wine is still in my hand, being held tightly. and then i realised that i was walking too close, so i stop. and drink the wine right at that spot, about 2 meters away from them. yet they still can't see me. oh okay, just how conversed is shim changmin in the convertions? he never even look that enjoying or interested or whatever when he's with me. god, what an amazing night this night is.

 

i walk out to the garden near the ballroom. alone. quiet. and not to forget, it's cold. i want to thank amber for making me wear just jeans and my favourite chambray shirt. because if i wore a dress, i would be getting goosebumps everywhere if i got into this same condition.

 

my phone rings, junmyeon's name shows up as a call sign. i have no choice but to pick it, as i don't really have anything to do right at the moment.

 

i could hear a bump and shaky sounds from the other line, and it's loud, bothering me. "what are you doing?" my voice is shaking too without me realising. it's damn cold in here, but going in isn't a better choice either.

 

"oh, sorry, my phone fell. i'm on the way to the party, want me to pick you up?" junmyeon says, his voice sounding angelic as ever.

 

"i'm already here. thrown to the garden, not even bother to go inside."

 

"are you crazy? what are you wearing? it's freaking cold outside!"

 

"not dress, don't worry. the ac is cold too anyway."

 

"yah, jung soojung, listen to me for once won't you?"

 

"i won't."

 

"soojung-ah, cmon. if it's about hyung, just talk to him now. he's leaving tomorrow, it's your last chance." junmyeon now starts to sound desperate, and i hate it. because he's so desperate for me and changmin to made up, and that's not the first thing i want to talk about or even do right in this second. 

i sigh heavily and loudly, making sure that junmyeon hears. "oppa, do you know the reason why i'm at the garden? changmin is at it again. yesterday we met and not a bit of sorry. well, i understand because it's right after we fight. and today, day minus one he will leave and he hasn't said anything. don't even know that i'm here, don't even care. i saw him with the same person, again! and i—i don't know..." i choke up, and i sure know that it's starting to get bad.

 

"go on, soojung. you can't just hold it in like that. i'm sorry for not understanding you."

 

"oppa, i always let him be my first in everything that i do, that i've done, but look at him! he's betraying me. he knows everything yet he does this and that. why did i do it in the first place? why can't i just hate him from the first place so i wouldn't feel like this right now?" one by one, tears start to stream down from my eyes. i feel relieved as i cry, yet the pain still remains.

 

my sobs are getting louder and can't be controlled. suddenly, i can't think of anything other than the pain that i'm feeling. i don't know how i could get these but it hurts. a lot. although i could hear junmyeon's indistinct voice, his hold on and wait for me, i still can't get over the pain. the pain is new, i never know that i can get this kind of feeling. the feeling of betrayed, hurt, disappointed, mad, jealousy; they're all mixed up.

 

it's suffocating.

 

shim changmin, he's suffocating.

 

although i said that i hate him; although i said it in a hundredth, thousandth times, i hate myself even more because the words are not even true. i can never hate him, and that makes the hate grows bigger. the hate towards myself, or shim changmin, i'm not sure anymore which one is right.

 

is that you, jung soojung?

 

this time, it's his voice that i'm hearing.

 

i laugh to myself. now that i'm thinking about that all over again, i'm starting to hallucinate things. maybe junmyeon is right, i am getting crazy.

 

suddenly, i can feel someone grabs my shoulder from the back and turns me around.

 

then in front of me, here comes the person that i've been talking about. his face—with worries written on it so big i can read it—is so close that i'm starting to get back to life.

 

"what are you doing here? why—why are you crying?" he asks me with his voice sounding so concerned.

 

i wipe my eyes before warning him about his hands, which then he slowly let go from my shoulder. i then look at him right in the eyes, deep.

 

"don't you know the reason?" a sob comes between my sad whisper. 

 

"i know, soojung. i'm sorry, i really am sorry. i forgot that we had a plan that night! she called me because she was drunk, and i had to accompany her and take her home at 3. can't you just understand, soojung? she's been through things—"

 

"bull!" my scream echoes in that lonely and cold night. if the music inside is not that loud, all the guests are now probably walking out and watch me fight with changmin. but fortunately, they don't. "through things, you said? what things? being so happy because she kicked my sister out from the group so she drinks every night? if you think she's pitiful, then what am i in your eyes exact—"

 

before i could finish my sentence, changmin kisses me. on the lips. to be frank, it's a peck, but changmin stays still. and so do i, because i can't exactly do anything. my eyes are still wet and opening, my lips closed. my heart is beating so fast, i feel like it will explode in any time soon.

 

the peck—or the kiss? whatever—lasts for about 10 seconds. changmin pulls himself slowly from me and stares at my eyes right after it all happened. i try to open my mouth to say something—however, nothing could come out. 

 

i still can feel my heart beating abnormally, my thoughts are going blank and my body is totally frozen because of the kiss. moreover, him staring at my eyes apologetically like this make me can't do literally anything. the atmosphere is so awkward, or i'm the only one feeling like that, i don't know. it's just so awkward.

 

"did that explain everything?" he asks, somehow i could hear mocking-ness all over his voice. and i feel... mocked.

 

i don't give him any reply, because i'm still at a daze. and he, as i look, seems frustrated.

 

"listen, jung soojung." he pauses to sigh before he continues his talking. "i know i've been a really bad guy to you. i've hurt you, i've made you cry, i've made you hate me. and i'm really sorry. i'm being very sincere here. i will leave tomorrow, so i don't want to lose the chance to apologise to you. i don't want to make things difficult for us two. and seohyun, i just wanted to help her. if i were to compare you and seohyun, of course i'd chose you. it was—the situation was just so wrong. so please, don't misunderstand things anymore, okay?"

 

"oh... yeah—right. okay..." 

 

"do you even understand what i'm saying? oh god. seriously, this girl."

 

"y—yeah, i do..." i reply. truthfully, i indeed understand what he just said but a part of me still is blank because of that god damned kiss. and why would he clarify all those things to me anyway? comparing me and that girl, why?

 

ugh.

 

he doesn't make things any better, i'm getting more confused by his words right now.

 

"okay then, let's go inside." he says in demand while pulling my hand. me, though, after a few steps, suddenly realised a thing.

 

the kiss... what about the kiss then? what was it? what's the meaning of it?

 

"but—" changmin stops and turn around to see me. his eyebrows arch, confused as he's waiting for me to continue my words.

 

but frankly, i can't. asking him about that is a bit... random. what if he only does that to shut me off so i won't talk too much?

 

but still...

 

that kiss...

 

uh. i should just forget it, right?

 

"oh, nevermind." i flash a small, nervous smile which he replies with a shrug.

 

maybe the answer to that kiss is better left unknown.

//

a/n: oh god, i finally update. just a chapter left and it's done c': i'm in my exam week so please wait just a little more, cynosure readers!