Sorry guys, this is a bit angsty and maybe too cheesy for my taste but errr..... well, just sorry. 

Pete wakes with a start. Where am i? Pete doesn't remember much from last night but he can taste a sour taste in his mouth that tells him that he was sick. Looking around, Pete realises its  Earn's room. Why am i back in here? He turns to see a sleeping earn, arms wide open and preoccupying three quarters of the bed. Were we holding each other when we were sleeping. Earn wouldn't do that......

Suddenly an absurd and impossible thought crossed his mind. Was it all a dream? Was it all just a horrific nightmare? Just then, Earn moans and turns around. Earn's wide shoulders and tanned smooth skin reminds Pete of their passionate nights together. Not wanting to let the impossible thought go, Pete decides that if it was a dream, then Earn would do what he always did each morning after they spent the night together.

Pete waited patiently and he could tell his gaze was making Earn feel uncomfortable. He mentioned England, ok so it wasn't a nightmare but maybe he remembered. Although his hope was fading, Pete held on to the possibility until ........... that phone call. The call confirmed it. Feeling stupid and hurt, Pete sat through the phone call. When Earn ran in to the bathroom and forgot he was still siting, waiting, this confirmed another belief. Earn feels remembers nothing and feels nothing towards him.  But I remember everything.

Nonetheless, Pete waited, maybe Earn will remember soon.

I still remember when I told you that we've been in love for the past 2 years in the hospital. I remember you pushing me on to the floor with disgust and hatred. I remember you shouting at me to get out and to never speak to you again. I remember the doctors telling me that it was the shock that made you react that way. The gang had seen you and me kissing outside our apartment before you left to go out to see friends. I remember the police telling me that you were attacked but nothing was stolen, but deep inside I knew things more important than money has been lost. 

I remember calmly walking out of the hospital but running at full speed in to the nearby street. I remember feeling tears and rain dripping down the curve of my jaw. I remember slowly trudging on harsh cement, not giving a care in the world about how my feet were scraping against rocks and bleeding. I remember my knees buckling every time i imagine your face and my heart tearing in to pieces when i remember your voice. But falling in love with the bitter sweet torture, i kept reminding myself of you. Because at least this way, at least one of us can forever remember our time together. To ingrain and burn these moments in to my flesh. I want my skin to forever remember your touch, your kisses and the pain you inflict on me.

5 Minutes, Earn is still in the bathroom, maybe he will remember.

I remember it was the closest i have come to giving up on life.  I remember not caring about how pathetic i would look or how much i would hate myself for being so weak because of wanting to kneel in front of you and cry or beg you to remember me , to remember that we were happy. Because i remember you loving me even though I detested myself.

I remember, eventually, stopping and standing in the same spot for a long time. Shaking and sobbing, waiting for your strong arms to envelope me like it always did. Waiting for your warmth to heat up my cold limbs. But it didn't come, the longer i waited, the longer i lied to myself that you will come for me. The longer i stood the louder my cries became, because you never came. Not then and not now.

20 minutes, Earn is still in the bathroom, maybe he won't remember.

So i left you, choosing the last option I had to try and survive. I chose to leave our home and I chose to abandon objects we loved. I chose to go study abroad, hoping that the distance between us will heal my gaping wounds and gashes. Although the wounds closed and the gashes healed, the scares remains with me as a constant reminder.

I remember looking around for you, for your smile and your warm gaze at the airport, even though I knew you wouldn't come. I remember the tears rolling down my face and not noticing them until people were staring me. I remember putting a mask and sunglasses on to pretend I'm happy with a new beginning.

I'm sorry for choosing to leave you.  I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to stay beside you and I'm sorry for not explaining things better to you. I'm sorry i chose to be selfish. I loved you too much to destroy your happiness and I love you too much to watch you happy with another. 

40 minutes, Earn is still in the bathroom, maybe he will never remember.

Pete stands up, collects his cloths and his things. Silently, he walks towards the door.

So now I'm back. Everything is the same and I'm at the same spot i was. Watching you happy with another, to see you being reluctant to have any trace of a memory about the two of us.

The same wounds, the same knife, the same cuts.

The same self-hatred and self doubts floods back in.

 I'm sorry for trying to fill the missing hole with someone else, with their love and flesh. It never replaced you. I'm sorry that you caught me with him and for breaking reality to you in such a cruel way. I'm sorry for not restraining myself from kissing you and trying to remind you again of what we had.

I'm sorry i cared too much and I'm sorry for being angry with your confusion, even though I can see the pain etched in to your face every time you try to remember. I guess our memories are not just painful for me.

But i will never force you to remember, because I don't want you to remember anymore.  . I just want you to be happy.

Looking back at the bedroom, Pete lets a tear slip through his control and it slides down his cheek. Leaving behind his last hope, final dream and hopefully his heart.