Sometime death will be better than life because we didn't need feel the pain,sadness,sorrow,and dying.but destiny sometime could really cruel forced us to face the fate even we never wish for it.sometime simple things that lost from your hands between your fingers make you dying forever to regret it until your death come,if it really come faster before then we didn't need live in hell like this.in the darkness and breathing among our hopeless lifes,counting the day when it will end.yet i'm never regret to give my everything as long he still alive infront of me,even i know he is dying in his regret that keep blaming him self for everything that happen that night.it wasn't his sin,even it wasn't my sin too but maybe we just could blame it to the fate and destiny.maybe this is life that we should face before our life end.

Even actually this bedroom is really bright with all those lights and lamp post,yet i just could laugh in my mind pity on my self because the room is still dark in my eyes.a pair of my eyes already lost their shine and i'm living in darkness forever since that night accident failed to end my life.all i could see just shadows,blur and it appear only when there are bright light infront of me.i'm blind,i'm dead even when i'm still breathing.i couldn't see anything,couldn't see his smile anymore,hyung and leadersshi that i'm really proud and love more than i love my self.though i know well,even if i can see now,i won't see him smiling anymore like before.kwon jiyong that i know with a bright innocent smile already change and become different jiyong since that night accident take away everything from us.i couldn't told him that i'm fine,i couldn't told him to stop blaming him self.i couldn't...because i lost my voice too that night,the accident take away half of my self and left me as mute maknae.couldn't see and blind,couldn't talk because i'm mute,i didn't know if i still could use seungri as my name or lee seung hyun as my life.because for me all of that,died that night when our car got hit by that truck.that rainy night haunted me forever in my nightmare,it kill me everynight in my dream.yet it forced me to face the fact that i'm still alive and breathing as broken one.

to be honest,when at first i'm awake and try to open both of my eyes in hospital after i though both of us already died in that night car accident,i'm scared to death because everythings is dark even i'm open wide my eyes.my head hurt and my throat and neck feel more hurt like burning with the thick bandage around it when i try to touch it with my hands.i try to ask,i try to call my hyungs,i try to call my parents yet there are no words come out from my mouth except the broken scream voice like only "argh!!" and i'm panic struggling to avoid everyones that try to touch me and hold me back to laid me back on the bed.for the second time i lost my conscious after feel something sting on my arm and i hear my mom and my dad voice sobbing try to calm me down.my tears fell and slowly i let the pain make me sleep.i try my best to holding back my self not to panic even i can't stop tears that wet my eyes and cheeks when i'm wake up again.this time i hear their voices,Youngbae hyung's voice that told me not to be afraid,Daesung hyung and TOP hyung that keep told me to calm down and holding both of my hands in their hands.then all i could hear just a sobbing crying voice,jiyong hyung voice,he is crying.i stop moving and they ask in worry when i push them away and laid back on my bed while my hands blindly searching the blanket and pull it.he just keep mumbling sorry again and again while he calling me as his maknae like always.my tears keep fell wet my cheeks each time i hear jiyong hyung whispering sorry near me.Why you say sorry? Its an accident,we didn't plan it. This is my fate,this is our destiny.why did you blaming your self hyung? I don't want life like this,become someone that make you blaming your self forever.i try to said it out yet there are no words came out from my mouth and i'm really hopeless didn't know how to stop everyones crying for me.this is enough,in desperate i'm sitting on bed,both of my arms stretching infront try to find my hyung,my jiyong hyung that really broken more than me.then i feel a pair of hands hold on my arms.without think twice i'm hugging tight person infront of me after i smell the familiar smell that make me really sure that person infront of me is my hyung,Kwon jiyong.both of us crying harder,hope it could wash away our misery,hope it could waking up both of us from this nightmare.

i can't see anything,all the time just left me breathing in the darkness,till i don't know when is the morning or when is the night.this hospital room is really cold and i can't see anything except the bright light on the ceiling and door infront of my bed,maybe there are lamps there.i hear nurse read my record as patient to the doctor,all those medical words that i don't understand and i hear them talk about my self that already refuse to eat or drink,refuse take my pills for more than 5 days.i'm wake up to sit on my bed and they look panic try told me to laid.suddenly i'm feel useless and let my emotion explode,i push them away and threw everythings that i could grab with my hands blindly.they scream in panic and i could hear my hyungs voices calling me to stop while i feel few hands holding me back try to get me back on back.i feel more dissapointed and angry,without think twice i cut my left wrist when my right hands grab something like piece of broken glass from the floor,i think i threw a glass or bowl before.i smile while let my tears wet my cheeks when i'm feel numb on my wrist and look like blood start rushing out from the cut that i made,i feel someone pull me in their embrace then i stop smile when realize the one who hugging me ti