{8 MONTHS BEFORE HIS DEATH}

On that fateful day, while we were practicing for our upcoming album, Seokmin had begun to fall ill. I noticed that he looked pretty much close to dead for half the time. However, whenever I or Seungcheol approached him to see whether he was okay, he would brush us off and tell us that he's fine with as much enthusiasm as he could conjure with his deceiving acting. 

Sadly, the act was over when he lost consciousness halfway through the song. Jihoon gasped and ran to the stereo to turn off the music before coming back to check on Seokmin. True enough, his forehead felt deadly hot and his body was the exact opposite. He shivered in his current state and Vernon called the manager to inform him of what had happened to Seokmin. 

Luckily, our manager was 5 minutes away and bolted through the doors at the speed of light before picking up Seokmin and placing him on his back, sending him to the hospital. None of us could follow now but we were allowed visitation in the night. Hence, we could only sigh and wait it out patiently as we continued our practice. 

For some reason, the time passed quickly enough and we found ourselves in the group car, sent to Seoul National Hospital to visit Seokmin. When we reached the lobby, we bolted out of the car and ran towards his ward, just to make sure that he was going to be okay. 

To our relief, he was already half awake when we arrived and his chest rose and fell rhythmically. His arm was attached to an intravenous drip and his body was wrapped up with two blankets, shielding him from the chill. Honestly, when I saw his state, my chest began to ache, seeing my best friend in hospital, barely conscious. 

"What's with the number of people here?!" A doctor spoke in a booming voice. 

"Annyeonghaseyo," Seungcheol spoke with polite confidence, "We are his bandmates and have come here to visit him. How is he, Doctor...?" 

"My name is Doctor Han," The doctor replied with a comforting smile, contrary to his initial entrance. "I did a check on him just now and his condition is fairly stable but I think he needs to come back for further checkups, considering your busy schedules. He should be discharged in 2 days time at most." 

We sighed in relief and thanked the Almighty that he would be okay. I, personally, was more than relieved. 

"Guys...?" A weak croak sounded and we turned in unison to realize that Seokmin had opened his eyes and noticed our presence. 

We surrounded his bed immediately and Jihoon spoke, "You're alive!!" I was so worried for you." His voice laced with worry and relief, "But the doctor said that you would need to come back for more checkups." 

"Hyung, I heard all that but don't worry about it. I'll be okay." Seokmin said comfortingly with a warm smile but at this juncture, I could not really tell whether it was the real Seokmin that I used to know or it was the actor, Lee Seokmin. 

After a few rounds of games, jokes and fun times, all of us had grown tired and soon, most of my members were already asleep soundly around the hospital ward. Five of them slept upright on the couch, some used the stools and placed it at Seokmin's bed, using his bed as a pillow and some were daring enough to sleep on the floor openly. 

I paced around the room, trying to avoid tripping all over the members who slept on the floor. Endless thoughts kept running through my mind and the more I thought, the more my worry escalated. 

"Hyung..." It was Seokmin, whose voice made me snap out of my thoughts. 

"Seokmin-ah. Are you really alright?" I asked with a little bit of caution within my tone. However, I noticed his change in his body language; He shifted uncomfortably within the blankets and didn't look me in the eye for a while. 

It all seemed too quick to comprehend before he flashed his rectangular smile again and just nodded before saying, "I'm alright, hyung. And get some rest because you have a long day tomorrow. Oh, and thank you hyung, for whatever you have done for me." 

He closed his eyes after that word and instantly fell asleep, travelling away to dreamland. I smiled slightly at his ability to sleep in a second, before taking a corner where I brought my knees up to my chest, resting my chin on them. No matter how hard I tried, sleep never came over me and I remained wide awake with my worrying thoughts.

****

Seokmin was released from the hospital pretty smoothly and he was back with his typical, smiley, personality. He was almost back to his typical self, goofing around with the maknaes, playing jokes on the hyungs, including myself, and being the happy-go-lucky, just like how I knew him one year after I had first talked to him. 

Initially, because of the positive change in behaviour, all of us thought he was okay and that everything was bound to get better. We practiced hard and played hard as well, getting over closer overtime as a group. 

Unfortunately, we were dead wrong and were successfully blinded by the sudden introduction of happiness. 

It was after the 3rd visit to the hospital when Seokmin had went missing-in-action. Usually, he'd come and join us for a practice or two, but he was nowhere to be found. Gradually, worry started to rest upon our shoulders and it did not help when he picked up none of our calls. We tried the landline, we tried his spare phone given to us by the company and even his own personal line, but to no avail. 

Our managers were too busy to deal with minor problems like these so I volunteered to go home, knowing that Seokmin was the homebody, preferring to stay at home whenever he can. I grabbed my jacket and phone, rushing out of the dance studio and ran to our dormitory as fast as my legs could carry me and hoping that he was well. 

True enough, he laid on his bed with his back facing me. His body slowly rose and fell, with his eyes shut tightly, showing that he was well asleep. Heaving a sigh of relief, I took a seat at the foot of his bed and watched him sleep after I sent a short message to Seungcheol of his whereabouts. 

In silence, I pondered about what had happened to Seokmin, so bad that he went home instead of coming back for practice? Furthermore, I had also seemed to sense the change in atmosphere; No longer was it comfortable and full of camaraderie, but it was filled with tension and mystery. 

Not wanting to wake him up, I could only think, "Seokmin-ah, whatever it is you're going through, I hope you have the strength to tell hyung one day. You can trust me... right?" 

****

{2 MONTHS BEFORE HIS DEATH}

It had only been a quick 5 months before we were back into the music scene with our new mini album and title song, Mansae. Again, we were back to our busy lives and spent most of our time in the studio, practicing until our hair stuck to our foreheads and our clothes were so drenched, you could wring it and liquid will flow mercilessly. 

Seokmin's temperament got worse too, where he'd snap unknowingly, cry and argue with others but it never lasted long with him snapping back to his senses and apologizing, as if nothing ever happened. 

It broke my heart when I had to experience it for myself. He did utter a long string of curses and harsh words in my direction when I tried to comfort and help him. At times, Vernon had to step in and with his intimidating aura, no one really dared to mess around with Vernon. 

Nobody knew what was going on but we had to endure it for a while. Time was tight, practice was intense and hence, there wasn't really much time for our own personal matters to get in the way. We did have "group meetings" as an evaluative routine and reflections, but they were never long enough to cover everybody's emotions and their own personal feelings. 

There were times when I woke up in the middle of the night, only to find Seokmin's bed empty, but he would always be around the next morning, as if he had always been at home and was never out galavanting around. 

His features began to sink where his cheekbones became more prominent and dark eye circles were starting to take its place below his eyes. He was tired most of the time and slept whenever he could, away from us. It confused me but my heart still hurt from those words that cut like a freshly sharpened knife. Sometimes, it was similar to watching your best friend lose his mind gradually as well as his memories.

Sadly, there was nothing I could do. Instead, I could only wait patiently for the right time. It clearly wasn't the right time to do so now and I could only pray that God would be merciful enough to show me a sign. 

****

{19 November 2014}

Surprisingly, Mansae's promotions seemed to take forever to complete. Our schedules were packed with performances, interviews, fan meetings, radio shows et cetera. Whatever you thought of, we definitely had it in our schedule. 

Seokmin was still temperamental, but was more quiet than ever. He rarely spoke, unless he had to and seemed to be in a world of his own. Now, he sat at the side of the bed, fiddling with his fingers like the first day I had met him. 

The members had gone out to restock our fridge and get a quick lunch before we went back to the studio, deciding to leave Seokmin and I behind. 

Perhaps, it was the perfect time to finally ask him about what has been going on, but I was still worried about his relatively crazy temperament. If he were to snap at me, I won't really know what to do, so I had to be sure that I was careful with my words. 

Mustering enough courage to act upon it, I asked, "Seokmin-ah..." 

"What?" The tone was monotonous, deadpanned and aloof, as if he did not even want to talk to me. 

"If I may, I just wanna know, what happened? To make you change so much? You are no longer the happy-go-lucky Lee Seokmin anymore. Sure, you do that for the fans, but it's different with us, your own bandmates. Are you hiding something, Seokmin-ah?" 

It was silent for a while, as if Seokmin was processing whatever I had just said. He only scoffed and said, "What do you care, hyung? Even if I'm hiding something, what can you do about it?" 

"I can't help you if you---" 

Seokmin gave me no chance to finish my sentence and went, "If I don't tell you? Yeah right. A great help would be to just shut up and pretend as if nothing's wrong with me. This problem is not something you can solve in a day. I'm tied to it, for most of my life. Nothing you say or do would get me out of this living nightmare. I didn't ask for this so stop putting your finger into other people's pie." 

"Seokmin, you don't understand. What you should know is that we can help you to at least cope with whatever you're going through. Yes, I know it's hard but we're a team and we make sure that nobody gets left behind---" 

"SHUT THE UP, JOSHUA HONG JI SOO." Seokmin bellowed until his voice resonated from the walls of the house. 

"You don't know what it's like. YOU are the one who doesn't get it. You have a goddamn perfect life, what the hell would you know?! I didn't ask for a problem like that. This is something I have to go through on my own. It's my own personal problems that you guys can do nothing about. The CEO will be ing disappointed and I'm not going to be responsible for that." 

I fell silent hearing all those words coming from someone like Seokmin. I knew someone would be angry and probably want to punch the living daylights out of him but I could not find myself to do so. Instead, my heart felt like it broke into a million pieces and tears welled up in my eyes. I tried to blink them away but one drop just had to fall, making it obvious that I had cried. 

"Are you crying now? Really, Hong Jisoo? That's one thing that I never liked and it's called pity. You do nothing but empathise. I've had enough of your bull, I'm leaving." 

For some reason, I stood up immediately and grabbed his wrist tightly but he shook it off roughly and slammed the door behind him, not even caring to look behind. 

At that, I could only fall back on my own bed, hugging the pillow next to me as I cried myself to sleep, guilty that I was unable to do anything despite the seemingly perfect moment to do so. 

****

{5 HOURS BEFORE HIS DEATH}

The day seemed to pass off in a blur, with our dance and vocal practices without Seokmin. He was gone for most of the day and refused to pick up any calls, whether it was from us or even our manager. Due to that, we decided to leave him alone instead of continuing to pester him, demanding an answer for his absence. 

We came back for dinner at 10pm but he was still nowhere to be found. The room was empty, just like how it was in the late morning and I just sat on my bed with my mind blank.

"Josh! Joshua!! JOSHUA HONG JISOO!" Vernon exclaimed, snapping me out of my subconscious state of mind. 

"You need to eat. You missed out on lunch and have just been drinking water ever since Seokmin disappeared. Here, have some kimchi at least. Jihoon's preparing some food so we might have to wait."

"Thanks." I said, taking the plate of kimchi and chopsticks from Vernon and proceeded to pick up a cabbage leaf from the messy pile that Vernon had placed on the plate. 

"Don't worry, Josh. He's a strong kid and I doubt he'd do anything reckless." Vernon said assuringly, but I knew better that Seokmin might well be on his way to doing something so rash, there's no stopping him. 

Despite the fragrance from Jihoon's kimchi and spring onion pancakes, it was still difficult for me to eat. The kimchi, untouched, continued to sit at my bedside table and since there was no reason for me to stay awake, I decided to sleep and drift slowly to dreamland while thinking of my friend, Lee Seokmin. 

****

{2 HOURS BEFORE HIS DEATH}

A few hours had passed since we fell asleep and the house was still in a state of pin drop silence. All were soundly asleep in their own respective rooms and I, too, was in the same physical state. 

However, the silence was soon broken when I heard the unlocking of the main door. My eyes shot open but I continued to lie in bed, frozen. From the corner of my vision, I knew that it was Seokmin when he opened the door to our shared room. For my case, it was pretty impossible to miss a guy like him. 

To my surprise, he did not go to bed but instead proceeded to turn on the small desk light we had in our room. I heard the sound of a stack of papers taken out from the drawer as well as the clicking of a pen, followed lastly by the sound of the pen against the paper in scribbles. 

Time seemed to tick by at a snail's pace and I heard the sound of papers being folded, more writing before I heard the switch of the desk light, signalling to me that it had been turned off. The chair was dragged and put back in its proper place before I felt his presence looming over me. 

My back turned to face him and I closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep, despite the sudden pain in my chest. 

"I'm sorry, hyung." was the last thing I heard before I heard the main door close for the last time that day. 

****

The morning came fast and the sun shone to reveal the luscious greenery we had outside the house. The chirping of birds were evident and the wind howled against the windows. Indeed, it was a beautiful day on the 20th of November. 

Unfortunately, when I opened my eyes, I was greeted with a small note instead of my plate of stale kimchi that probably went bad during the night. It wasn't a large sheet of paper and was square in shape, pale blue in colour with the word "형 (Hyung)" written on it. 

I sat up on my bed and took the note, unfolding it slowly to reveal its contents. To my shock and horror, it was written entirely in English and I smiled at the thought, without knowing the contents. 

Jisoo hyung / Joshua hyung

Thank you for being such a caring and friendly hyung towards me. On the first day, I remembered the terror I experienced when I was introduced to all of  you but you greeted me with such warmth and friendliness, which is hard to find today. To me, it was filled with genuity and I couldn't be more thankful for the times we spent together after that.

You taught me important skills, one being the skill of English, which would definitely make this letter for you way easier to understand. Your hardwork and dedication makes me look up to you and sometimes, I wish I was like you but then again, everyone's different right?

Unfortunately, the happiness did not last long and I found myself trapped in my own feelings. The stress began to pile up, since my father passed away when we debuted and my mother was in a financial crisis. Everyday, she called me to say how her day went and my heart broke every time I heard her cry.

I did not have the heart to tell you guys either, since we had many promotions and schedules, which made it impossible. The stress consumed me eventually and I know I lashed out a couple of times, even hurting my own band mate's feelings with my careless words and harsh actions.

With that, I figured that it would be better for me to find happiness so that you and the other people I care about would get them too, without me hindering your progress to find the hidden gift which everyone was given; but it is up to them to find it.

Yes, call me selfish, with the fact that by the time you read this, I would have been gone from the living, but I hope you would accept it and forgive me one day because by then, I would be as free as a wild bird, rid from the sadness and pain that keeps me here. I have found my happiness and I pray you would find it too.

It's hard to process, isn't it? However, I hope you do not mourn over me for too long. You've been a great hyung and have brought great joy and positivity in this short life of mine. Continue to spread it, despite my passing, and be like a beacon of hope to others, just like you were for me.

Joshua Hong Ji Soo or Hyung, I wish you all the best and thank you again for being such a wonderful blessing. Remember me before I was consumed by my own grief and keep those memories in your heart instead of the times that I brought hurt to myself and the rest of you.

I'll see you again, I promise, and I'll greet you with open arms when the time for you has come. Do not blame yourself for my death because this was my choice and there was no way you could have stopped it.

My friend, I bid you goodbye and let's meet again, hmm?

-Lee Seokmin, 20 November 2014-

As I read the letter, my heart broke into a million pieces and the tears flowed freely without stopping. The letter was soon to be drenched with my tears and I could only feel the pain, which had been amplified by tenfold. 

I staggered to the living room and noticed that all of the members too, were weeping softly. Seungcheol sat there with his face pale, like he had just seen a ghost. His phone was left on the table and I walked over to it, only to be greeted with these words. 

[BREAKING NEWS] 

A young teenager, aged 17 and above, was found dead yesterday at the foot of the Noryangjin overhead bridge, just above Noryangjin Highway 2. He sustained severe injuries with a broken spine and a head injury. He was reported to have been hit by an oncoming lorry and was pronounced dead at the scene on the 20th of  November, 0500hrs.

[UPDATED]

The victim has been identified. He goes by the name of Lee Seokmin and is confirmed to be one of the main vocalists of rookie group, SEVENTEEN. The reason of his death is still unknown. Our condolences go out to his family and friends. 

Subconsciously, I found myself on the ground, kneeling as I clutched my heart in pain and agony. The tears rushed down my cheeks even harder, especially since I was the last person he had talked to before his death. Memories came flooding back like a tidal wave, the good and the bad as I could probably hear my heart shattering into smithereens. 

Deciding that the atmosphere was too stifling to voice out my pain, I ran out of the dorm, running as fast as I can to the nearest park, which happened to be at the Hangang River. In between pants and sobs, I stopped running, finding a patch on the ground underneath an Angsana tree and lying on it. 

The only thoughts that ran through my head at that moment was why he had chosen to do it. I knew pretty well this was something he did not want me to do, but I did not have the heart and the audacity to be happy after hearing of my best friend's death. I looked up into the sky and noticed the cerulean blue skies and the white, puffy clouds which dotted the sky. 

"How I wish you would be sitting here with me, right now. Whether you were dead or alive, I just need to see you one last time." I thought to myself, in between my sorrow and grief. 

God knows how I managed to fall asleep in my mental state but I was drifted to dreamland. 

At that moment, I found myself in a green grassland, with butterflies fluttering about and beautiful yellow sunflowers growing on the hillside. I walked through it, feeling nature with my bare hands. My spirit felt uplifted and I took in a deep breath of the fresh air as it caressed my face. 

I was in a moment of bliss before I heard a familiar voice call out to me. 

"Hyung!!" 

I turned around, noticing the boy I knew too well, clad in all-white with a huge smile on his face, waving to me in the most animated fashion. Smiling, I waved back with less energy, considering my personality. 

Then, a strong grip was found around my waist and a sharp chin rested on my shoulder. Suddenly, I was brought to an instant calm as my entire body felt warm and comforted by his presence and I replied with the same gesture.

"You came to see me, hyung?" 

I nodded a little sheepishly. 

"That's nice of you. I wished to see you one last time and look where we are." He smiled again, but sighed, "However, you need to let me go or you'll never move on. I need you to do that, for me and for everyone else around you. Take me as a memory. You have much to live ahead of you so go, have fun while you can." 

The tears were apparent again and it trickled down my eyes, falling onto his perfectly clean, white shirt and I was being pushed away from his grip. Looking at me, he smiled again and used his thumb to wipe my tears away. 

He took a few steps back and said these words as he began to disappear from my vision, flickering between reality and virtuality. 

"Goodbye Joshua. I'll see you again. Live for me and I hope you won't need to feel sorrow, pain and hurt anymore. I will always be there spiritually, whether in your happiest moments or your darkest times and I will protect you. Let no harm come to you and I'll see you again soon." 

Hello readers! :) 

This is part 2 of the previous chapter! :) Thank you for all the support that you guys have given while reading this fanfiction :) The support really means a lot to me :) Also, I would like to thank Icepixxie and Venus Postershop again for the amazing posters that they have made for me :) Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy the fanfiction so far! :) Subscribe for more and feel free to ask me anything in the comments below ^^