Genre: romance.
Characters: OC, BTS.
Type: Non-rated.
Reviewer: Minah.
Chapters reviewed: 18 (approx. 49000 words).
Requested on: Jan 5, 2018.
Request completed on: Jan 10, 2018.

picked up and credited

TITLE (10/10)

Although it's a long title, I still like it. It perfectly reminds me of how it all started. It gives off a comedic vibe (drunken), indicates a fluffy romance story to come. Usually, title conveys the meaning of the whole story, "That Drunken Night When I Met My Bias" only relates to the beginning. But I still like it. Maybe because that's a life-turning event in the story. So I have no complaints about this title.

DESCRIPTION AND FOREWORD (5/10)

Even from the start, you have changed the narrator/ POV. I guess it would be better to stick to only one POV in your description, namely the third person POV since there was no sign of changing the POV in the description at all. (-1)

While the use of brackets in your description is perfectly fine, I highly suggest removing them and recast the sentence without the said punctuation. Also, it confused readers in general and me because the information in this sentence is untrue (-3). The last thing you would want to do is to deliver false information in your story. Minah is only an ordinary fangirl of Song Joongki, who in this fic is also a celebrity, and Song Hyekyo is also another celebrity, she is not Minah's best friend.

Your description, aside from the said misleading information, I think it's good enough. It summarized the main event at the beginning, and gives readers enough gist of the story, to decide whether they should follow your story or not.

Also, do consider removing the first paragraph in your foreword. You just repeated what you already said above. (-1)

CHARACTERISATION (10/30)

I'm sorry, but I don't think any of your characters is realistic after 18 chapters.

Eunjae: 2/10

This is exaggerating, but Eunjae gives me the Mary Sue vibes. She appears to have this really cute "characteristic", and she has something going for her that could mesmerize not only one but four characters in your story, just with the first encounter with each boy alone. Aside from her attractive physical appearance, I get that boys who had fallen for her all loved her cute side, which is, acting a bit oblivious, genuine and a little bit clumsy, embarrassed. But let's talk about why I see her as a Mary Sue in your story.

I do see her positive sides like her independence, living alone by herself and managed to do things by herself like an experienced student she is, despite her family being wealthy and all (+2). However, this sounds a bit convenient to be true. During the story, I didn't get to know what kind of thing she does to make a living by herself. Does she have a part-time job? I only see her fangirling over BTS aside from studying and interacting with her bias group. (-4)
First off, I didn't understand how she got so embarrassed and shy toward BTS at first, easily became neutral to very talkative and open after a short period. (-4) She acts like BTS are just normal people (I mean, they aren't normal, they are superstars) and she acted like they were her friends. I did not see much of her fangirl side when she was with BTS, unexpectedly. This change of character of her isn't considered character development, but surreal because it was so rapid and illogical on my part.

The way she was so easily attracted to the boys is understandable since she is a fan of them. But it was bizarre how inconsistent her feelings have been, especially to Jimin and Jungkook, also Taehyung, and I hope it won't be like that with Suga. To explain, Eunjae was extremely dependent and acted accordingly to how the boys were treating her (-3). By that, I mean she did not recognize her own feelings and didn't seem so consistent with them. Even if she was a fan and she could love every member of BTS, her not resisting to be kissed by Jimin (returning the kiss, even) and even expected kisses from Taehyung was disturbing to read. Was she a playgirl who wanted attention from everybody and self-centered like that? I prefer to doubt it, but so far she has been acting like one.

Also, her background of being bullied at school needed more evaluation. Why was she bullied? What did she do wrong to be bullied? Why did she only have one friend, even though I see there was not anything that might steer people away from her? (-1)

There was this part that you successfully made Eunjae more relatable, and that's the exact thing I'd love to see more. It was the part when she doubted herself and thought she was underserving for Jungkook, and that she wanted what's best for him, by encouraging him to do We Got Married. However, she was scared that she might lose him to a famous idol from Girl's Hour and felt jealous. If you could describe every bit of her emotions that realistic and relatable, Eunjae would have been so much well-developed for a character. (+2)

Jimin, Suga, Jungkook, V: 8/20

Boys. They are the main problem in the character area to me. They are even more under-developed than Eunjae. There is not enough material for me to analyze their characters, unfortunately. They don't have a background, except for they are celebrities (-3). They don't have any struggles, internal conflicts at all (-5) (maybe except for Suga, as he doesn't feel intrigued by anything). I get that this is a fluffy story, but not touching anything at all over the more serious sides of their characters would make them feel flat. I only see a little playful side of Jungkook, a little gentle side of Jimin, and a little perceptive side of Taehyung. (+8) But aside from that, I only see them goofing around with our heroine, making her intimidated with their skinship/ flirty words most of the time. They lack personalities. They don't feel real. They often act irrational or plainly not ethical and normal for a person at all (-12). For example, when Jungkook kissed Eunjae just because he felt she was cute, even though she was not sober. When Jungkook and Taehyung came straight into her house without her permission... and all that lovey-dovey scenes. Would people befriend and interact with each other that fast?

Suga was a little interesting at first when he acted cold towards Eunjae because he couldn't stand anyone messing with his brother's feelings, but of course, he had to fall for Eunjae because he realized she was cute and genuine and all, and we are back to square one again.

Side character - Hyerim.

I feel like this friend is a bit too understanding and kind to be real. If I were a hardcore Taehyung fan and saw my friend with him in her apartment one day, I would be so pissed because that friend didn't share anything about her encounter with Taehyung with me at all. Moreover, I wouldn't even go as far as shipping my friend with my bias. We often have this obsession over our bias, don't we? It felt unreal how Hyerim acted so casual and took it all in when Eunjae told her Jungkook and Jimin kissed her.

PLOT (10/30)

There are many details/ scenes where the credibility is thrown out of the window (-20). For example, Eunjae being able to prepare coffee for Jungkook although she was drunk (chapter 1).

All the events revolving around Eunjae with BTS are all so coincidental and too beneficial to be true. I can list a few: Eunjae being called up during the fan-sign (chapter 2), her moving to an apartment next to BTS's, her (somewhat) friend's wedding with a male friend of Jimin, her and Suga stuck in the elevator, etc.

There is not a solid plot going on in your story. It's basically a fluffy romance story, with dramatic events only dedicating to the romantic purpose. I will gladly read a story without much plot outside of characters' love lives, as long as the romance part is well built. Obviously, your plot is weak on the credibility part. The bright side is, it is always so eventful that I could finish reading it in one sitting. I'm actually curious what you are up to do in the future chapters. Will Eunjae end up with Jungkook, Taehyung, Jimin, Suga, or any other member? Or will she have none of them as her lover? Since it's really hard to predict because Eunjae is not very consistent with her feelings (which is not a good thing), I can say it's intriguing (ironically).

WRITING STYLE/ PRESENTATION/ FLOW/ GRAMMAR AND SPELLING (12/20)

Writing Style and Grammar/ Spelling: 5/10

Your writing is all over the place, meaning, there are times when it's really good, and most of the time when it can't be considered a serious fiction.

Firstly, about the negative things. You tend to add unnecessary or improper words to express or describe the characters' feelings; this makes your writing really juvenile and colloquial (-2). For instance: in chapter 2, you wrote: "I stood up, and breathed out, immediately crinkling my nose as I smelled the air. Yuck. Omg. It was horrible." "Omg" is an abbreviation for "oh my god," writers should never abbreviate words in their stories. In chapter 18, you wrote: "Gahhh why can't I be so chill with Suga?!" "Gahhh" is also not a word and you can rewrite it in another way but still manage to keep the feelings the character is trying to express.

You tend to use romanized Korean words and phrases a lot, and that's undoubtedly bad. If your story language is English, then write all in English (-1). I understand that words like "hyung," "noona" don't really have equivalents in English, but try to refrain from writing things like "jongshincharyo" and then explain it like "(Come to your senses)." I don't see any purpose in it, and this issue disrupts my reading a lot because they frequently appear in every chapter.

Each time a different character speaks, do make a new paragraph for them. When two characters are talking in the same paragraph, it's hard to keep track who is talking (-1)

Also, the occasional (but I see mostly in the recent ones, which is not a good sign) use of author's notes, or weird explanation line in parentheses (-1), for instance, in chapter 18, you wrote: "I need to leave this house for a few minutes. Or I may die from SSO- Suga iness Overdose. (What's wrong with me XD)." I have no idea whether this is author's note, or Eunjae's. Nonetheless, both cases are equally discouraged.

Although your story is easy to read in general, you do have to work on grammar a little, but your grammar is not that bad and can easily be fixed (subject-verb disagreement, incomplete comparison, comma missing before "and" in a compound sentence , incorrect/ missing preposition words, unnecessary ellipsis, tautology, mix of tenses, typos...).

The positive things. I can ascertain that you can improve and you will improve if you want to. The scene where Eunjae and Taehyung were talking in a coffee (?) shop in chapter sixteen and the argument between Jungkook and Eunjae (I can't recall which chapter, maybe 13?) were nicely done. You have all the potential to grow as a writer because I completely loved how you described the characters' feelings, their dialogues turning serious and the writing style really amazed me there. I wish every part of your story were well written like that.

Flow: 5/7

Even though the characters grow their feelings way too rapidly (-2), the events are quite smoothly moved forward, and I felt like nothing dragged on for too long. There were no unnecessary scenes as well. Keep it up!

Presentation: 2/3

Poster is great, pretty font, pleasant layout. The only thing I need to complain is the unpretty gif you set as the background (-1). It feels uneasy to the eyes especially when I read your story with a PC.

TOTAL: 47/100

★ REVIEWER'S NOTES:

I know what you are feeling right now if you have done reading my review or plainly just skimmed over the score. All I have to say is, calm down, don't get mad. Don't bite me. In the past I got mad, my cheeks felt like burning from reading all the criticism from another reviewer. I did not agree with the reviewer at some parts, so I voiced out to prove that she was wrong in those parts. It's your turn now. Counterattack me! I know that it knowing your precious story is seen badly by someone else, but I believe you wrote for mere entertainment, and I think you have achieved your goal as a fanfiction writer. But on a more serious side speaking, you have to acknowledge the faults in your story, sooner or later.

My review is imperfect and amateurish because let's face it, this is only the fifth time I review stories, somewhat subjective (though I wish I'm not) and the score might or might not speak truth about your story, so take it all with a grain of salt. However, I hope you find my review helpful because I really want to help you as a reviewer. Do tell if I was helpful or not. I love honest feedback.

Speaking of honesty, I personally feel engaged in your story and would love to stay to read until the end. I did say that your story is unrealistic, but the events were, although typical and cliched, so interesting and I find myself enjoy reading your story actually. Maybe a part of the reason behind this is because you picked Minah as the portrayer for Eunjae in the posters, and she's my ultimate bias. It was easy for me to imagine the heroine and it's fun because it's Minah. Just like how your story hooks up hundreds of subs, maybe it's because of the fun journey you have brought out. It's fanfiction after all, and I think your story has that factor to attract the fandom. I did see many fandom jokes in your story, well at least the popular ones, I'm not following BTS that much.

The last message would be to tell you my true feelings about TDNWIMMB; it's close to guilty pleasure, I think. It's like when I watch anime shows like "Diabolik Lovers" just because the characters are gorgeous, and there were many y vampire bites there. I had fun (and thrilling anger towards the heroine as well) watching that show, even though the plot was... um, you know what I mean. I see the potential in both your writing and that anime; it's just a matter of whether you know how to develop it or not.

Edit: I forgot to say that I laughed a lot while reading your story, especially in the latest chapters and Jin and Eunjae's dad jokes. I found myself constantly grinning or smiling all the time. I didn't feel burdened at all reading your story.