Genre: romance, angst.
Characters: Park Chanyeol, Byun Baekhyun.
Type: [M], [TW].
Reviewer: Minah.
Chapters reviewed: complete (approx. 37000 words).
Requested on: Jan 11, 2018.
Request completed on: Jan 26, 2018.

picked up and credited

title (5/5)

The title depicts a set-up where the one who claims whatever his obsession is, might have a fervent desire for something and it's unhealthy. In terms of meaning, it's a powerful title. It also relates to the story completely.

DESCRIPTION/ FOREWORD (1/2)

The description immediately answers my question to who is the obsessive one between Chanyeol and Baekhyun. But if you could change the warnings in the foreword into another brief summary of their background, it would be great. Instead of mentioning all the social matters straightforwardly, you could tell us how old they are; some particular actions Chanyeol had done to Baekhyun and vice versa and leaving readers to wonder what happened to them in the past that made them act in such a way; where the story is going.

For a quick reference, I recommend checking out this story's description and foreword. You both have some trigger-warning elements, but she didn't reveal much about the plot and managed to give us a glimpse of what to expect from her story. Your warnings, however, revealed some of the most important plot points later in the story.

I believe the [TW] mark will justify your story, and you don't have to reveal so much in the foreword. Readers should be responsible for themselves when approaching such type of fics.

PRESENTATION (2/2)

Default font can be the best option sometimes! I'm okay with your simple poster and background, besides I'm not interested in looking and judging at what doesn't define a good story. So, next!

CHARACTERIZATION (24.5/30)

Both of the characters have their own flaws, their good characteristics, and their background. But were they elaborated well?

Baekhyun is a hard-working student; he tops the whole school academically. He is bubbly, out-going, and fun. Even so, deep inside, he has a depressed side due to his ually abused past by his biological aunt. His flaws would be that he is weak to stand up for himself; he's submissive. He seems naive, especially around Chanyeol. Even though he had good reasons and intentions for his doings, he gave up telling it to Chanyeol (in chapter 5, posting individual pic to social media and Chanyeol interpreted it with seducing people and as if he wasn't taken already, etc.)

I'm just stuck in my own mind, trying to figure out his funny characteristic. Right from chapter 1, you said that "he loves to play a lot and cracking random jokes making people laugh everywhere he goes", but all throughout the story, I only see him as a nice (in fact, too sweet at times) person. I have not seen any jokes he cracked but rather, I'm only informed of it. It's a matter of telling, not showing. It could also be due to his fearful side when he was around Chanyeol, and I'm aware that he's with Chanyeol most of the time. But maybe you can show us some scene where he was with his friends. Maybe in chapter 2, when Luhan asked him why he didn't wait for his friend, you could make Baekhyun respond more funnily (yes, I'm not impressed with how he reasoned that he was hungry). (-0.5)

I also notice this disturbing thing going on with Baekhyun. That is, even when Chanyeol hurts him and does him a 'favor' by somewhat releasing him from Chanyeol's own 'punishment', Baekhyun says "I love you." While I completely understand that he loves Chanyeol, he says it when it seems inappropriate at the moment. It seems like it's a rewarding phrase because Chanyeol 'forgives' him, and I think saying "thank you" in this situation is enough. (-2)

Right from the start, he was rebellious and wanted to end their relationship for good because he couldn't stand the 'maniacal' Chanyeol any longer. However, I soon realize it's only a sparkle at the moment. He's not strong enough to leave Chanyeol, partly because he's still in love with the other, and mostly because he's forced not to leave.

He hates himself because he was 'tainted'. He has not much self-worth, and that's a normal mental process going on due to his traumatic past. While I think Baekhyun is indeed an interesting character, he has his own conflicts, and it seems he acts stably at first, I couldn't believe it when he decided to commit suicide... after four months of being confined to Chanyeol's house. Why didn't he just do so earlier, right after sending Luhan his 'farewell' message by Taeyeon's phone? Why did he choose to stay longer and please Chanyeol, giving the latter happiness, only to leave his lover in sorrow on his own birthday? (-3)

Baekhyun is an adorable, precious and miserable boy. I do like his character, but sometimes it's hard to understand his actions. He holds many secret sides to himself, and I understand that evolving his personality is probably one of the harder areas you have to do. But honestly, you have done a fairly good job at this.

Chanyeol. This guy... is maniacal. He suffers from PTSD, so no wonder he acts so cruel and stubborn in his relationship with Baekhyun. I like his thoughts about being himself and not giving a damn about others' perception. I like how he reasonably becomes easily jealous every now and then when Baekhyun interacts with others or plainly just be stared at because of his 'ethereal' beauty. Chanyeol possesses a type of insecurity that always manipulates his emotions and actions in order to make him feel settled with the 'ownership' toward Baekhyun. I have nothing to complain about this guy; rather I want to shower you with praises because you have built him so well to the point that I get thrillingly attracted to this guy and his inner thoughts. He will be undoubtedly my all time favorite character ever in AFF. Though yes, I love him and hate him at the same time. He only realizes that he needs to let Baekhyun go and he needs proper treatments only when the damage has been done. But that's a part of making mistakes, and we all make mistakes.

Chapter 8: 

"What if I am no longer here, by your side one day?"

"I will die. But, no, I will not because you will always be with me, staying by my side through ups and downs."

Thank goodness, he actually didn't die like he expected to be. This part of the chapter plays a great role in building his character development. You did an excellent job of shaping Chanyeol. That's all I want to say.

The couple shares good chemistry. They have their own secrets, but eventually open up to each other and fill up each other's flaws as well as influencing each other's life immensely. In other words, the complement each other with their polar characteristics.

I love how the characters have changed in the end. This dark fic actually brings out a happy, bittersweet ending. How I wish everyone would find their happiness in life, and love and be loved, like Chanyeol and Baekhyun.

PLOT (15/30)

The plot seems to be quite... I don't know how to put this... Well, missing credibilities?

Anyways, it was a journey of their relationship, resolving their own inner conflicts and finding Baekhyun's family secrets. Their past indeed influences a lot to the plot, as it determines their personalities, their background, and therefore, their actions.

And, hence, I'll focus on it.

• Chanyeol's family. The car accident of them arguing each other because of him. This plot device is pretty common. I have seen it in two other stories before. Considering I've read about two hundred fics on this site, the same coincidental idea seems pretty overused.
• Baekhyun's past. I quite don't get this part: 

Chapter 6:

"Thus, he never resists when they stripped him to nothing..."

"Will he got his innocence back if he reports her to officials?"

Chapter 13:

"Baekkie, undress your clothes fast. You cannot make uncle wait, right? It was not a good behavior."

I'm an irresponsible reviewer, I know. But can you tell me who exactly abused Baekhyun? The three quotes above each indicate different identity(ies), I don't completely understand this. His aunt? His aunt's husband? Or both of them? (If the last one is the answer, I'm just speechless. e marrying another e, or anyone among them, doesn't matter. I want to see them have fun in jail. They have to pay for what they have done. And Baekhyun is too benign regarding this; I wonder if Taeyeon has any say in this matter because a mother should feel angry seeing how her son was treated and taken away.)

• Taeyeon. She's a smart woman as you have mentioned in the story. But why wasn't she smart enough to understand her parents' disapproval of their rushed, juvenile marriage? She's supposed to just wait until whatever time that she could be perceived as a mature adult, and then it's not too late to marry Heechul, isn't that right? Or if they decided to marry so soon like that, you should elaborate the reason better than just "they love each other that much". Also, loving to the point of willing to leave your beloved parents and family quite felt uncomfortable to me.
  The fact that both sides disowned their child also sounds too convenient to be true. If it was true, you could tell us more as to how much both sides hated seeing their children marry that much.
  The fact that Chanyeol hired Taeyeon as Baekhyun's personal teacher. Isn't this a bit too convenient to be true?
  The fact that Chanyeol could find out about Baekhyun's family. How was such information discovered when Taeyeon didn't even name her child? Which means, there is no kind of connection marked legally between them, right?

Disregarding the convenient past and incidents, I'd say the plot moves forward relatively well. It drives to the most satisfying ending possible. And it was a meaningful journey. However, credibility is a necessary thing to stories. I take away half of the available points for this reason.

FLOW/ PACE (8/10)

The flow was absolutely perfect, and I'm not exaggerating. Scenes couldn't be transported any smoother. For example: at the beginning of chapter 2, you did an amazing job switching from Baekhyun's position in his school to Chanyeol's. You always know how to connect anything with surprisingly possible relevant elements to transfer from here to there. I'm satisfied with the flow, only except for the last chapter, where it seems you jumped scenes pretty unorganized at times. To be exact, you duplicated one person's point of view when it's not necessary, and it makes me confused because we only note the POV when we change it.

Things in the last chapter acted as a wrap-up. It was indeed drastic to be informed by much new information at a time, but I like how fast it goes. Everything just happens to be there in a logical manner, whether it's a flashback or a time skip. Nothing actually felt rushed.

But draggy?

I can point out a moment that was quite draggy. That is the class scene in chapter 9. I actually felt overwhelmed with all the unfamiliar boys having a conversation about Baekhyun leaving school. That was plain unnecessary, and you could have only talked about Luhan and Sehun's reaction because honestly, besides these two, I have no connection to the others. It was a bit informative, but you could cut it down and make your descriptive skill do wonders. (-2)

WRITING STYLE (8.5/10)

You don't have beautiful wordings, and weak words are frequently presented (-1), but you have an engaging narration. Most of the story are descriptions, but I never found myself drifting off, meaning it wasn't a boring read at all.

If ever, I'd like to point out that at the end of chapter 11, you put much space to create some type of thrill to the readers. But usually, when you do that, we already know the outcome wouldn't come out as bad as we feared. Also, it kind of turns me off since it carries an unserious feel to the tensed situation. (-0.5)

I'd suggest writing something like this:

"I'm really sorry. We have tried our best, but...", the Chinese doctor sighs heavily as he drifted off, avoiding Chanyeol's gaze for a moment.

"... But what?" Chanyeol managed to croak, tears already forming his eyes.

"We saved his life. But he's now in a coma state."

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING (3/10)

So, I'm genuinely curious... what does this sentence mean? (chapter 4)

"one will only appreciate someone or something too much when he or she never receives one for so long or in his case, at all".
 

You don't have a stable use with tenses. I assume you must want to write in past tense, but you keep jumping to present tense. This frequent mistake hinders me from reading smoothly from start to finish, as I always mentally paused and thought about how those sentences should have been corrected. I recommend hiring a beta-reader to help you.

I randomly chose chapter 13 to point out your common mistakes. Sorry for the laziness.

+ Preposition:

"Chanyeol suddenly drops on his knees." -> "to."

+ Ellipses: Either you don't use it, or you use it properly. Ellipses contain three dots, and two dots near each other is considered a grammatical error.

+ Wordiness:

"I do not know what reasons you and your husband have until you left him just like that, and I do not want to question you, to get mad at you for leaving him all alone, for became part of the reasons of why he did what he did, not only because you two just left, but it is because you left him to someone you should not." This sentence is very long. Break it into smaller sentences to enhance readability.

+ Missing comma:

"He will especially if you come back to him, especially if I am out of his life." Insert a comma after the phrase "he will".

+ Incorrect question formation:

"Why he needs to wake up?" -> "Why does he need to wake up?"

+ Subject-verb agreement:

"All the things that has happened to him," -> "have".

+ Missing determiner:

"He thought meeting would only make the Chinese male continues hoping." Insert "the" before the bolded word.

+ A mix of everything:

"The teenager who used to look so smug, cold, and void of emotions is now looks like he almost gives up with his life." -> "The teenager who used to look so smug, cold and void of emotions now looks like he almost gives up on his life."

In this chapter, I couldn't spot any spelling errors, but you do have to work on your grammar. There are so many errors lying on almost every paragraph in this chapter alone, that I'm not that convenient to correct them all for you. I might have missed some other errors, but I figure the job goes to a beta-reader.

SPECIAL (0.5/1)

I'm not a fan of the plot, but kudos to you for evaluating your main characters in depth and relatively solid, especially those whose mental states are abnormal. I have an acquaintance who also experienced a molested childhood and that person also puts on a mask being around others, but they have no faith in life. My point is, I could connect to the characters well.

I especially admire your author's notes in chapter 9 as it is so aspiring.

Don't mind me not giving a full mark in this area. As I said, the plot feels lacking at certain parts. Of course, I still upvoted because your characters are really something!

total: 67.5/100

★reviewer's notes:

I don't know where to put this, so I'm putting it here. This is a small suggestion, but maybe you could change the titles for some chapters to make them more relevant to the contents? Like, I get that the lyrics for each song might fit perfectly (and that applies to Breathe and If We Love Again as much as I know) but you can put the song at the beginning of the chapters to set it as the background music for your readers, instead of making them chapter titles.

I like how you surprised readers by naming the adopted child after Baekhyun's former lover. It was not over the top at all, and it's also one meaningful aspect of the story. Good job on that!

I sincerely apologize if the review turns out bad, and bored your eyes out cause again my garrulous mouth came back stronger than ever OTL. Anyways, my memory wasn't fresh enough to recall much from the story. I read the chapters discontinuously and the last chapter was read many days after. I didn't take many notes either, so I only came back and skimmed over a little bit; I was cautious what I was confident to say, and what I was not. So please, express your honest thoughts about my review!

I'm sorry for changing the rubric without telling you. This rubric makes the grade turn out tight so it's inevitable that the score should have been higher if it sticks to the former rubric, I have to say.