4

Yongguk found the door to Himchan and Yongnam’s apartment unlocked upon reaching the place. When he entered, he found his twin brother sitting on a chair he’d dragged from the dining table, playing with his first guitar as he faced the wide window overlooking the city. His shoulders were slumped in defeat and when Yongguk walked to him to take a look at his face; he was surprised to see a scratch on Yongnam’s cheek. Something sharp must have grazed at his skin.

The apartment was a mess. There were books and papers scattered on the carpeted floor, the Polaroid photos of the couple torn into pieces— a trace of their argument. Yongguk couldn’t imagine Himchan throwing the books and messing the table. He couldn’t create the image of Himchan screaming and crying, asking Yongnam to break up. Never in his life had he expected for two of his beloved ones to fight.

Himchan and Yongnam never fought verbally. They never hurt each other.

But what was he seeing right now? Why was Yongnam sitting there alone instead of accompanied by a smiling Himchan and why was Himchan staying at his house, crying, instead of having Yongnam by his side?

“Hey,” Yongguk said.

Yongnam stared down at his guitar, long fingers strumming in a slow rhythm. The melody it produced was hauntingly sad. Yongguk felt his skin tingle listening to such dejected music coming from his brother. He couldn’t stand it so he placed a hand on Yongnam’s shoulder.

Yongnam turned his face to look at his brother and smiled faintly.

“Himchan and I broke up,” he muttered, his voice carrying some sort of hesitancy to it. Maybe he was wishing that he hadn’t said the words out loud. Maybe he was thinking of how weird it sounded to say something he never intended to say.

“What happened?” Yongguk asked despite the cold shoulder his twin brother was giving him.

Yongnam closed his eyes and set the guitar back to its original place. His hands lay limp by his side, head tilted upwards as he leaned back in his seat.

“I failed to hold onto him.”

Yongguk creased his forehead. Yongnam opened his eyes and smiled, fingers clasping and then unclasping in apprehension.

“He asked me what he was to me and I hesitated.” He chuckled and hung his head. “I ing hesitated, Yongguk, and that was enough to give him the answer he needed. I don’t know why I couldn’t answer him. I-I was not really registering the situation we were in. I had just woken up and was heading to the studio but then he stopped me and asked me those questions; like whether I loved him and cared about him, that I want to be with him forever. I answered those without hesitating but when he asked me what he was to me, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. The next thing I knew, he’d packed his stuff into his luggage and he stormed out of the apartment without saying goodbye.”

Yongguk curled his fingers over the fabric of his jeans and heaved a sigh.

“Do you love him, hyung?”

Yongnam furrowed his eyebrows in confusion and finally stared into Yongguk’s eyes.

“I do. I love him.”

“Then you have to tell him that.”

“I already told him-”

“Convince him,” Yongguk said through gritted teeth. “Show him, okay? Because right now he can’t see it. You’re not showing it to him and he’s losing hope. Make him understand. Do everything you have to do in order to get him back. Stop making mistakes.”

Yongnam dropped his gaze to his lap and shook his head.

“I don’t know Yongguk. Maybe it’s better for us to-”

“Don’t say that!” Yongguk snapped, earning a surprised look from his brother. “I know you two still love each other so don’t give me some bull excuse about you two being apart is better. I know you still love Himchan and the same goes to him. If you two broke up and decided to not see each other anymore then what’s gonna happen to us? We grew up together. We ing shared everything since we were little. It is always the three of us.”

“That’s something of the past, Yongguk.” Yognam smiled sadly at him. “Things are bound to change.”

“That’s because you let it change,” Yongguk pulled at Yongnam’s collar. He had this urge to throw a punch in his face because Yongnam wasn’t trying to understand the things he wanted to say to him. “Some things are not meant to change. You love him so make it last. Don’t let that change. Just get him, for ’s sake.”

Yongnam’s eyes were wide as he gazed into Yongguk’s furious ones. It was obvious that this was the first time he’d ever seen his brother act like this.

“You wrote those songs for him. You got interested in music because of him. You started playing in the band because of him. You did that all for him so why are you backing away and make it seem like nothing of that matters to you right now?”

Yongnam held onto Yongguk’s hands and pulled them away from his collar. He chuckled and punched at his shoulder lightly.

“You’re an idiot, Yongguk.” He then smiled at him. “I hate that you know me better than myself.”

“That’s because I see things you don’t see in yourself. I’m quite observant,” Yongguk’s lips curled up into a smirk.

Yongnam closed his eyes and Yongguk could see that he was holding back the tears. His twin brother pressed the heels of his palm to his eyelids and sniffed, chuckling out of embarrassment.

“Can you do me a favour, Yongguk? Can you get Himchan for me?”

The smirk on Yongguk’s face turned into a smile.

“Sure, what are brothers for?” Yongguk muttered before he rushed outside the apartment and trudged through the rain to get to his car.  He dialled Himchan’s number and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel impatiently. When Himchan answered on the second ring, he cut him off immediately. “Just stay where you are.”

“Yongguk, what are you saying?”

“You’re clearing things out with Yongnam.” Yongguk said.

“There’s nothing else to do. Why are you-”

Yongguk hung up on Himchan and concentrated on the road. He wasn’t going to let his friend mess this up. This wasn’t the time to preserve one’s ego and pride. They needed to sit down and talk and that was what Yongguk was planning to make them do.

Once he reached his house, he glanced at where Himchan had parked his car earlier and mentally sighed in relief when he could see the said car was still there. He threw the front door open and walked to the kitchen. Himchan was sitting at the dining table; right where he left him and the cup of coffee Yongguk had brewed for him was now empty, perched on the table. Himchan had a blank look on his face as he held onto his phone. When he noticed Yongguk’s presence, he stood up and attempted to utter a word but Yongguk interrupted him by grabbing at his wrist.

“Yongguk!” Himchan called out his name sharply; startled by the way Yongguk was handling things. He never did something like this. He was never harsh. He never had that angry look on his face. Confusion was evident on Himchan’s face but Yongguk ignored all of this.

Yongguk stayed silent as he dragged Himchan out of his house and back to his car. He didn’t mind that they were drenched in rain. All he wanted to do was bring Himchan back to Yongnam.

“Yongguk, stop it!” Himchan yanked his hand off Yongguk’s and stared at him bewilderedly. “Why are you doing this?”

Yongguk ran a hand through his wet hair and stared up at the dark sky briefly before he let out a deep sigh and fixed his gaze on his childhood friend.

“You promised to love him. You said it to me, remember?”

Himchan gasped, his lips trembling. The rain drops clung to his lashes like glitters. He opened his mouth to say something but the words were stuck in his throat.

“You have to keep your promise, Himchan. That’s all I want you to do, please.” Yongguk muttered before he opened the passenger door and gently pushed Himchan in.

Himchan didn’t fight this time. He stared out the window silently as Yongguk drove him to his apartment. When Yongguk glanced to his side, he could see that there were tears rolling down Himchan’s cheeks. He turned his attention back to the road and smiled to himself.

Himchan still cared. He still did.

-

Yongguk remembered the day Yongnam reintroduced him to Himchan like it only happened yesterday. He could still recall the outfit he wore on that day and what he was doing. He was sitting on that swing their father made for them in front of their house and he was wearing his favourite graphic t-shirt of Tigger from Winnie the Pooh along with a pair of oversized slippers that would fall off whenever he started running around the front yard.

He still remembered the nervous look on Himchan’s face as he walked by Yongam’s side and the way his twin was skipping towards him in excitement upon finding a new friend.

When the young Yongguk reluctantly apologized to Himchan, he’d glanced up briefly to look at the two boys who were standing before him and it was at that moment that he noticed the admiration on Himchan’s face as he stared at Yongnam. His eyes twinkled and his bunny teeth were on display. Yongnam had smiled back at Himchan and muttered an ‘It’s okay’ to him.

We’re friends now and since we’re neighbors, we’re gonna grow up together and do everything together from now on.

Yongguk guessed that was when the fate between Himchan and Yongnam had been decided.

Now, back to the present day, he was driving Himchan back to the couple’s apartment to meet Yongnam. It was the other way around compared to the past. This time it was Yongguk who wanted them to reconcile. He didn’t want them to be broken up by a pity argument that was filled with anger and sadness.

They still loved each other and they were going to show it to each other, Yongguk would make sure of that.

When he reached the apartment, he beckoned Himchan to follow him and with a soft sigh, the latter gave him a weak nod and so both of them ascended the floors that led them to the apartment. After Yongguk had opened the door for Himchan, he made an attempt to leave but Himchan stopped him.

“Yongguk, you stay.”

Yongnam craned his neck to look at the two persons standing at the doorway. When his eyes met Himchan’s, he hung his head and crossed his arms, now standing up from the chair he’d dragged to the wide window.

With a muttered ‘okay’, Yongguk leaned back against the front door and urged his friend to walk up to his brother. Himchan gave him a hesitant look but then he turned away and made his way slowly to Yongnam.

“Yongguk said that we need to clear things between us,” Yongnam said with a humourless chuckle.

Himchan only nodded at that, standing only a few feet away from his ex-boyfriend.

“Look, I’m sorry,” Yongnam started. His mouth opened and closed for a few times, as if he was still reconstructing the right sentences in his head. “I love you, Himchan. I do.”

Himchan looked at him with a distressed face but Yongnam held up a hand.

“I’m sorry that I hesitated when you asked me what you were to me. I wasn’t expecting such question because I was blind. I thought nothing was wrong with our relationship because I was always away, and that is my fault. I should’ve known that I was hurting you. It’s selfish of me to think that everything is okay when behind closed door, you were crying about how far we’ve drifted apart from each other. I’m so sorry that I made you go through those things alone. I’m really sorry, Himchan.”

“It’s not just about that, Yongnam,” Himchan muttered with a shake of his head. “You always apologize and think that things would go back to normal. Apologizing doesn’t fix things and it certainly does not make me feel okay. You’re not giving me the reason to stay, Yongnam. What’s the point of being in a relationship if all I do is sit around and watch you spend your time with your career? I know it sounds selfish but I think you’re just too invested in your career that you fail to see what I am to you. If it’s not gonna work between us then maybe we made the right choice to break up. I’m not gonna stop you from chasing your career. There’s really nothing wrong with it but I just want you to let me go because I can’t see where I stand right now.”

“Don’t tell me that I need to let you go!” Yongnam closed the gap between him and Himchan and grabbed at his shoulders, giving them a furious shake. His face was contorted in such sadness that it was painful to look at. “I told you I love you, didn’t’ I?”

“Saying that you love me is not enough, Yongnam. You’re just saying that.” Himchan said with tears cascading his face. His voice was no longer composed. It kept breaking whenever he talked. “I just want to feel cherished. That’s all I want. Nothing else.”

“So I made a mistake. I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologize,” Himchan hissed, his forehead creased.  “I don’t wanna listen to it anymore.”

“Then I promise you that I’ll make things right again,” Yongnam almost shouted. His teeth were clenched and Yongguk could see that he was tightening his grip around Himchan out of desperation. “Just stay with me, please.”

Himchan shoved at his chest and let out a loud sob.

“I don’t need your apologies and promises! That’s not what I want! Why can’t you understand what I’m saying?”

“Then tell me what I have to do to get you back!” Yongnam backed Himchan up to the couch. Himchan stumbled onto the couch with his eyes wide. Yongnam knelt down in front of him and held onto his hands. By now both of them were crying. “I’ll do anything you say and I swear you won’t regret it, okay? Tell me, Himchan. Just tell me. We need to make this work. We both know that we’re not perfect but we still love each other and I want to believe that our relationship is not merely made up of having mutual interests and old memories from our childhood days. There must be something more than that. I’m an idiot when it comes to figuring things out so I need you to help me, Himchan. Point out the things I need to know. Tell me when something’s wrong. Don’t bottle up your feelings.”

Himchan closed his eyes and his shoulders slumped, his breaths coming out with a shudder.

“Show me.”  

Yongnam stared up at him with his mouth agape. Himchan opened his eyes and released himself from Yongnam’s grip before he cupped his face in the palms of his hands, lips curling up into a broken smile.

“I just need you to show me. That’s all. No making promises because promises are for the future. I want you to do it right away. Can you do that for me?”

Yongnam nodded a few times and rested his forehead against Himchan’s.

“Yeah.”

Yongguk sighed and slumped down against the front door with his legs crossed, watching the two important persons in his life embracing each other. He then looked down at his shadow that was stretched on the floor and smiled.

-

Spring, 3 years ago.

Yongguk turned around when he felt someone tapping on his shoulder a few times. He saw Himchan smiling at him and in return he raised his brows at his friend. He placed the book he’d been reading back on the shelf and watched Himchan walk along the shelves slowly, as always, having his fingers tracing the spines in a gentle manner.

“Don’t you have class right now?” he asked his friend.

“I skipped it.” Himchan said with a chuckle. “Yongnam’s sick so it’s no fun without him.”

Yongguk shook his head with disbelief and leaned against the shelf, arms crossed. After pacing around the library for a few minutes, Himchan made his way back to Yongguk. He stood next to Yongguk and stared straight ahead, hands into the pocket of his jeans.

“I once read a book about time travelling.” Himchan said after a few seconds of silence. “It told the readers about the existence of parallel worlds and the possibilities of how people could change the pasts to their whims. It’s quite an interesting read, given that I’m not really a big fan of books but I read it till the end anyway. It got me wondering.”

“Wondering about what?” Yongguk sat down on the library floor and Himchan followed suit. Both of them were still staring straight ahead. Yongguk was playing with the buttons of his shirt mindlessly as he waited for Himchan to speak.

“I wondered what would happen if I travelled back in time and say the things I’ve been keeping to myself until now.”

Yongguk stopped fiddling with the buttons on his shirt and turned to Himchan, blinking in confusion.

“I wondered what would happen if I had asked you why you kept running away from me. I wondered what you would tell me if I asked you what you have been thinking all those time when we were still in school. I have so many questions to ask you at that time,” Himchan chuckled. “But I’ve been wondering about this particular matter for a long time.”

It took Yongguk a brief moment before he could find his voice. “What is it?”

“I wondered how you would’ve reacted and told me if I confessed to you during our last high school summer break.”

Yongguk stayed silent at that. He tore his gaze away from Himchan and clenched his fists on his lap. He felt mad all of the sudden. It was stupid because one question was all it took to see the truth and Himchan was the one who posed the question.

Truly an idiot, he told himself.

“I admit that I’ve liked you for a while since we were little, Yongguk.” Himchan straightened his legs on the floor and stared at his red sneakers with a small smile on his lips. “It feels so good to confess right now because I’ve been keeping it a secret for years.”

“But you’re with Yongnam,” Yongguk stated.

“I know and I love him now.” Himchan looked at him and tilted his head sideways. “That’s why I’ve been wondering what would have happened if I had confessed. Maybe the future would have turned out different, huh?”

Yongguk chuckled and stared up at the ceiling; feeling quite relieved all of the sudden. Maybe because he’d been dying to know what Himchan felt for him and now he’d gotten his answer.

“I liked you too, in the past.” He said bluntly. Himchan hummed at that. “But like I said, you’re with Yongnam now. You do love him, right?”

“Yes, I do!” Himchan nodded his head as he laughed. “I promise I love him with all my heart and that wouldn’t change.”

Both of them laughed at that. They stared at each other and the smile on Yongguk’s lips widened.

“In a parallel world, maybe we’re dating each other right now, who knows?” Himchan pondered. “And also, maybe we don’t know each other at all in another world.”

“Yeah,” Yongguk nodded slowly.

“Quite an impressive theory that book came up with.”

Yongguk couldn’t agree more.

A/N:

This is the end! Omg thanks for being patient with me T.T  I feel so out of place when I wrote this story because I am not one to write and not update constantly. My anxiety always got ahead of me when it comes to updating regularly but I guess it’s a different case for this story. I postponed everything because my feelings were not intact. Haha.

So I have something to add about the inspiration to this story. I’ve been reading mangas a lot during my vacation and I came upon this good read. The manga is called ‘Orange’. In the manga, it mentioned something about the parallel world and time traveling. If you’ve read the manga, you’ll know that ‘time’ is the concept of the story. It’s an interesting concept so I kinda got that idea from the manga as I wrote the ending. Hehe. Do read the manga. It’s really good and ugh the mixture of emotions you get from reading it will tear you apart. (I kid).

Let’s just remind me to stop writing unfinished stories and post them here, okay? I mean I have a lot of drafts in my computer and I have this urge to just post them before they’re even finished. Wth. Haha.