How does one fall?

Kyungsoo reads through text with eyes unblinking and eyebrows pushing together and etching creases onto the skin of his forehead.

It's his last shift at the library for the week, and he has once again found a note from one of the books Kiko had just returned.

How does one fall?

Kyungsoo finds himself repeating the first line of Kiko's note over and over again, mind set on finding the answers he believes are hidden in the spaces among each inked word. He's trying to find out what topic Kiko's note would be about today—it's a habit he's developed ever since he'd started receiving the notes—and being Kyungsoo, he thinks that today's topic is about 'accidents'.

He reclines in his swivel chair as he reads:

 

How does one fall?
I remember asking myself that same question in one dream
Where you were Jupiter, and I was an astronaut
Whose ship was propelled off-course by the magnetic force you hid beneath your surface
And was sent plunging heart-first into the multiple layers that made up your atmosphere.

How does one fall?
I remember asking myself in another dream,
Where I was a cat and had climbing trees as my favorite pastime,
And you were the kid who always reached his arms out to try and catch me.

How does one fall?
I remember asking myself one day, not too long ago,
Where you were finally you, and I was finally me, who consulted books for explanations
And found that Einstein, the one and only scientist I ever trusted, said: “Gravity won't be held responsible for people falling in love.”

-”How Does One Fall In Love?”, K.

 

“How does one... fall in love,” Kyungsoo reads the footnote out loud, and he jumps in his seat and crumples the note in his hand when his ears meet the sound of books slamming against his desk.

Kyungsoo looks up to face the person in front of him with a scowl already fixed on his face because there's only one person in his list who's fitting to be blamed for what just happened, and that person is Byun Baekhyun.

“I don't know, Kyungsoo. You tell me,” Baekhyun says, both hands placed on his waist as he rotates his head slowly in an attempt to stretch his neck.

Kyungsoo snorts his breath out of his nostrils. “What do you want, Baek?”

Baekhyun pushes the magazine and the book he borrowed yesterday. “I'm returning these.”

“Already? Didn't you just borrow them yesterday?”

Kyungsoo stamps the book and the magazine before returning Baekhyun's library card, and he puts an act of the most repulsed expression he can manage to ridicule Baekhyun's choice of magazines.

“This magazine was great for body references, okay?” Baekhyun indignantly says. The magazine he'd borrowed was a men's underwear catalog. “If you want proof that I did use that magazine as reference and not for anything else, I can show you my sketches.”

“Yeah right,” Kyungsoo snorts, but he's curious enough to flip and browse through the magazine. He finds that the magazine only had half- but headless men, and Kyungsoo starts cackling at the image of Baekhyun associating faces to the bodies. He pauses at a particular page, one that only featured one model's body.

Kyungsoo reads the name of the model, “Kai.”

Baekhyun cranes his neck to look at the magazine as well. “Ah, yeah! That guy was seriously fun to sketch! I wish they could've at least shown his face.”

Kyungsoo looks at the page like he's reading through text instead of looking at a picture and at the sharp ridges and toned muscles of Kai's body. He finds that what he finds most appealing is the shade of the model's skin; it bronze, sun-kissed if Kyungsoo must say, and it reminds him of Jongin—

Shaking his head, Kyungsoo closes the magazine and puts it on the stash of returned books and other reading materials he needs to return to the shelves.  He concludes that underwear catalogs are useless because people—excluding him, of course—tend to focus more on who's modeling it instead of the actual products.

Baekhyun smiles knowingly at Kyungsoo as he asks, “Anyway what were you asking about earlier? Something related to the topic you loathe so much? Romance?”

“Nothing. I was just reading a note.” Kyungsoo uncrumples and straightens the edges of the note in his hand before putting it together with the older ones. “And I don't hate it... I just... I just had a bad experience with it and would rather not talk about it with you since I'm not interested anymore,”  Kyungsoo says.

“But here you are, forced to deal with something that's related to the exact thing you claim to be not interested in anymore.” Baekhyun moves to peek at the new note, but Kyungsoo has already put the piece of paper along with the older ones and closed the drawer before he even gets the chance to. Baekhyun purses his lips, but it's more of in thought than in disappointment. “Why not date her Kyungsoo? You have to stop thinking that your relationships will always turn out like how your last one did.” Baekhyun says.

Kyungsoo visibly sighs. He's tired. He knows that it's been almost over three years since he broke up with his past lover over his decision of leaving his parents for Seoul to pursue the college degree he truly liked on his own and that since then, he hasn't been able to get into a serious relationship, but he wishes his friends would stop forcing him into one. “Like I told you already Baek, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. And it's not because of what happened three years ago. I've been over that for almost two years.”

“Well...” Baekhyun begins, his tone softening. Although Baekhyun is known for being able to talk nonstop, he's surprisingly mindful of other people's opinions when it comes to serious matters. It's one of the things Kyungsoo likes about him. “If you feel that way then I really think you should talk to her about it already, Kyungsoo. I mean, it would be unfair to keep her waiting and hoping for nothing, right?” Baekhyun suggests.

Her. Kyungsoo's mind dwells to his meeting with Jongin last week. It's been five days since he read one of Jongin's poems, and in those five days Kyungsoo still continuously found notes in the books Kiko returned. However, if there was one thing Kyungsoo noticed that changed, it was how, aside from the usual poems, the notes also included simple conversational footnotes such as 'I like your smile' and 'I hope your day goes great' complete with hand-drawn emoticons.

Kyungsoo thinks about Jongin's handwriting and says, “I'm not even sure if the notes come from Kiko.”

“What?” Baekhyun is raising his voice, but with only a quarter until closing time and the absence of other people at the library, Kyungsoo lets him. “Kiko is the one who borrows the books and returns them, isn't she? If it's not her, then who?”

It's Kyungsoo's turn to purse his lips this time. “I don't know,” he says, but he doesn't say the part that says it's about him not really wanting to think about it.

“You should really talk to her soon to find out for sure, Kyungsoo.”

“Yeah... I think I should.”

 

***

 

Unit 505, Kyungsoo mouths the numbers smack-dabbed in the middle of the metal door before him. According to the text he received from Jongin yesterday, this was the younger's apartment unit number. He looks around, taking a deep breath before pushing the doorbell three times.

Jongin had invited Kyungsoo over his apartment as a favor, saying that his older sister wanted Kyungsoo to take pictures of her sculptures for an exhibit brochure she's currently in the process of making. Today was supposed to be Kyungsoo's last meeting with Jongin for his photo journal, but since he's only about ten pictures away from finishing his project, Kyungsoo decided to put off their last meeting for next week.

Jongin's home unit is at the fifth floor of the apartment building, and if Kyungsoo hadn't known Jongin was sharing the rent with his older sister, he would've thought Jongin was secretly a spoiled only son from a rich family.

The door opens soon enough, and the first thing that greets Kyungsoo is a bed-haired, half- Kim Jongin who's only in a pair of loose gray sweatpants.

“Oh, hyung. Good morning,” Jongin says before he rubs his eyes with his other hand that wasn't holding the door open.  “You're early,” he continues, and his voice sounds rough, almost as if he'd just woken up. His strawberry hair looks completely mussed, sticking up at all the wrong places, and there's a sleep-crease on one of his cheeks.

“Sorry.” Kyungsoo forces himself to look down and focus on his feet. “Did I wake you up?”

Jongin only smiles weakly before stepping aside and gesturing for Kyungsoo to come in. “I was already out of bed when you rang the doorbell, but seeing your face did wake me up.”

Repressing the small smile that threatens to creep on his face, Kyungsoo asks, “Do I look that bad?” He motions to take his shoes off after carefully wiping them against the doormat, but he's quickly stopped by Jongin's hands.

“It's okay, hyung. You can keep your shoes on. Kiko noona and I don't take our shoes off either,” Jongin says, “And, no. You look far from bad.”

“Is that a compliment?” Kyungsoo straightens himself before stepping inside, with Jongin closing the door behind him. He's not really a big fan of flattery, but he thinks it would be a good way to start his usual banter with Jongin, which are very pleasant when compared to the ones he has with Baekhyun.

Jongin's reply, however, strips Kyungsoo off of chances in coming up with a clever comeback: “Yeah. It actually is.”

They reach the kitchen in no time. Jongin tells Kyungsoo to sit and wait for him at the living room as he prepares tea for the both of them, all the while apologizing for not having coffee which would've been a more appropriate drink for this time of the day.

Kyungsoo shuffles towards the living room and sits down at the black leather couch faced towards a coffee table and a 16 inch flat screen TV. There's a small window that overlooks the city streets five levels below, and Kyungsoo admires the way the light coming from the window reflects on the glass surface of the picture frames hung on the wall opposite it.

“I think Kiko Noona went out for a walk,” Jongin says as he walks towards Kyungsoo and places the tea down onto the coffee table.

Kyungsoo remembers Jongin telling him about how Kiko only visited and used the extra room, which she turned into her art studio, during weekends.

“She'll be back soon,” Jongin adds, taking a sip from his own cup. He's standing in front of the window, and Kyungsoo just wishes Jongin would move away because the light is hitting him at all the right places and it's a bit distracting because it's making his strawberry hair appear white, as if it were one with the light, and the thin sheen of sweat on his skin glimmer and complement his bronze skin.

Naturally, Kyungsoo's eyes travel down Jongin's whole build and he knows that he's practically over with puberty and the state of raging hormones at his age of 20, but Kyungsoo can't help but think that he's seen Jongin's build somewhere. Maybe just letting Baekhyun be himself and leave several issues of men's underwear catalogs around their shared apartment unit was a bad idea after all.

“Uhm... about your sister,” Kyungsoo attempts to distract himself, opting to find the answer he's also been wanting to find since the day he read one of Jongin's poems, “Does she have someone she likes? I mean, does she tell you about those kinds of things?”

There's a brief look of puzzlement on Jongin's face before he teases, “Why? Are you interested in Kiko noona, hyung?”

“No!” Kyungsoo says, flustered, almost spitting out the tea he'd just taken a sip of. “It's nothing like that. I'm just curious about how close the both of you are.”

“Hmm... well, yeah. She tells me about her boyfriend all the time. They've been dating for five years so you could say she's pretty much engaged.”

Wait, what?

Kyungsoo puts his cup down. “So... Rahee?”

“Nah. Rahee's my other older sister's daughter. Kiko noona just really treats her like her own child.”

Just then, the front door opens and both Kyungsoo and Jongin turn their heads towards the sound.

“Jongin! Are you still asleep? I bumped into Sehun earlier and he told me that the person you wanted to contact called back—” Kiko appears in front of them at the living room. “Kyungsoo-ssi! You actually came!” she exclaims, her bag falling off her shoulder and onto the ground.

“It's the least I can do for the most loyal customer we have at the library,” Kyungsoo says and he watches Kiko walk towards Jongin.

Kiko picks up one of the pillows on the couch and uses it to hit Jongin's stomach. Jongin is then sent clutching his tummy and mouthing 'ouch' and 'that hurt' as Kiko says, “Don't you at least have the decency to appear fully-clothed in front of a visitor?”

“He's not just a visitor! He's my friend!” Jongin says, and he makes a pained face as Kiko continues to strike him with the soft-looking pillow.

Kyungsoo thinks he should stop them, but he doesn't want to meddle and also it wasn't like someone was actually getting hurt. The two only break it off once Jongin starts walking to change inside what Kyungsoo thinks is the younger's own bedroom.

“Sorry you had to see that,” Kiko says, “Jongin can be a handful to control sometimes.”

“No, it's okay. I actually found it quite fun. You two look really close.”

“Yeah. Shall we?” Kiko gestures to the couch.

She starts telling Kyungsoo about her plan and what she wanted for the photos, saying that Kyungsoo's photos would really help her with the brochures she needed for an upcoming small-scale exhibit she'd been chosen to be part of at the local museum, along with two of her colleagues. It will be about the sculptures, she tells Kyungsoo, to which Kyungsoo responds with an enthusiastic look on his face.

If it's with inanimate objects like sculptures, Kyungsoo thinks he'd be able to do a great job.

They're already moving to go inside Kiko's small studio when Jongin comes out of his room, clad in a pair of skinny denim jeans and a black shirt that had the text 'Ghost writer' printed in bold. He'd taken a shower, which was evident with how his hair looked softer and fluffier. Kyungsoo wonders if Jongin's hair also smell like strawberries today.

“Jongin, since you're already dressed, can you fetch the three us something to drink and eat? Preferably coffee and sandwiches. I'll pay you back later.” Kiko says.

“Sure. It's Frappuccino for you and Black Coffee for Kyungsoo hyung, right?”

Kyungsoo nods, and Jongin sends him a smile.

“I'll be back then.”

The photo shoot Kyungsoo has with Kiko goes unexpectedly fine and far from awkward. Kyungsoo finds out that Kiko loves doing sculptures of body parts—her favorites including the hands, the neck, and the mouth—as he listens to her explaining how each of them seemed to show unique and unnamed emotions on their own. He learns that Kiko and Jongin had the same gleam in their eyes whenever they talked about something they loved, and he wonders if his eyes ever looked like that while talking about photography.

“And, we're done!” Kiko says after the click of Kyungsoo's camera. “I really want to thank you for everything, Kyungsoo.” Somewhere along laughing about common experiences they've had as struggling artists, she and Kyungsoo had agreed on dropping the honorifics.

“It's nothing. I really enjoyed today, and I really love your sculptures too.” Kyungsoo browses through the pictures he took of Kiko's sculptures and makes sure everything satisfies his tastes before turning the camera off.

“Really? You think so? I'm actually still working on one more sculpture, but I am yet to finish it this week.” Kiko points at the only sculpture she had that Kyungsoo hadn't taken a picture of. It was unfinished, but Kyungsoo could already see two hands reaching out for each other as if they were desperately trying to fill in the gaps between their fingers.

“I should work on it tonight while I still have time. Don't you think?”

“Yeah. I would really like to see the finished product.” Kyungsoo says.

“Ah, I'll need Jongin's study lamp to start working on the small details of it. I'll get it later after I finish dusting this sculpture.”

“I can get the lamp for you if you want,” Kyungsoo offers.

“Is it really okay?” Kiko asks, to which Kyungsoo replies with a tip of the head. “Thanks. Jongin's room is the door with a lot of novel clippings and football stickers taped to it. Not easy to miss.”

“Okay.” Kyungsoo smiles, and he thinks it's the first time he's ever smiled at Kiko without feeling uneasy. He hasn't asked Kiko anything about the notes yet, figuring that it would be best to save it for after the photo shoot, but somehow he feels confident that everything is going to be fine.

That feeling, however, changes after Kyungsoo steps inside Jongin's bedroom.

Jongin's bedroom is white walls standing on concrete covered by an equally white ceiling that's dotted by a plethora of small glow-in-the-dark stars and planets. It's cleaner than Kyungsoo thought it would be, Jongin's study table being the only thing that was cluttered and looked out of place. There's an absurd amount of precariously piled books and a mess of crumpled papers on Jongin's study table, but what really catches Kyungsoo's attention is a novel left open at the corner of the table. Its pages are held down from flipping by a fountain pen and small stacks of different colored post-it-notes.

Kyungsoo inches closer towards Jongin's study stable and he forces his eyes to focus on the table lamp placed just beside the novel. He knows why he's inside Jongin's room, and it's definitely not to snoop around Jongin's unguarded stuff.

He plugs the table lamp from the power outlet before lifting it up, and his gaze accidentally catches the words written on one of the wrinkled post-it-notes placed above the novel.

 

My thoughts for today's poem boils down to only two:
First is how I think I like you,
And the second is if you like me too.

-K.

 

“I see you've seen Jongin's writer side,” Kiko says from the doorway, “I don't know who he gives them to, but well, that's not the point.”

Kyungsoo tries to process everything even though he doesn't have much to do because was already too obvious from the start. It all makes sense now: the familiarity of Jongin's handwriting and the way the words are written. But why didn't Jongin borrow and return the novels himself?

“He might look cold, but he's really cheesy. You could even say that he's a bit of a romantic,” Kiko continues as he walks inside and towards Jongin's study table to read the notes. “I stand corrected, my little brother is a romantic. He's the one who's been asking me to borrow novels from the library and I only do it because he barely has time to visit that place on weekdays.”

“So you don't read the novels?” Kyungsoo asks.

“Sometimes I do. I mean, Jongin forces me to.”

Kyungsoo's heart starts beating erratically in his chest, completely drowning out the last words of Kiko's statement. Restlessness comes with the rush of blood from his heart towards his head and cheeks, and he suddenly feels his stomach do a thousand somersaults within a minute.

“I... I have to go,” Kyungsoo stutters as he hands Kiko Jongin's desk lamp.

Kiko tips her head to the side. “Already? Why not stay for brunch?”

“I can't. I really have to go. I have the camera's memory card with me so I'll just send your pictures through email,” Kyungsoo says, and with that, he's out of the door and Jongin's apartment unit.

He speeds down the flight of stairs and passes by Jongin at the groundfloor hallway, but he's too immersed in matching his footsteps with the fast and hard beating of his heart to hear Jongin calling out his name.

It's only after Kyungsoo gets out of the building that he realizes it's the first time he's ran away from something so fast.

 

***

 

(Received 12:03 PM) Hey, hyung what happened earlier?? Why were you running away?

(Received 12:09 PM) Hyuuuuung >____>

(Received 12:10 PM) DID SOMETHING HAPPEN

(Received 3:11 PM) Kyungsoo hyung

(Received 3:43 PM) *pokes*

(Received 4:02 PM) ...

(Received 4:05 PM) ….........

(Received 7:04 PM) Was it something I said/did?

(Received 9:54 PM) Is it okay if I called?

(Received 10:32 PM) Goodnight, hyung.

 

***

 

(Received 11:58 PM) Are we still going to meet tomorrow, hyung?

The tower bell chimes as the university's own 'Big Ben' strikes 12 in the afternoon.

“Well, that ends today's discussion,” Mr. Lee, Kyungsoo's photography class professor, says as he shuts the projector off. “But before you all go, please be reminded that there's only a little over a month left for you to finish your photo journal. With the time limit I've given you all, I'm expecting works worthy of their own exhibits.”

A medley of groans and satisfied hums emerges from the whole class except for Kyungsoo; he doesn't contribute to any, and instead waits for the flurry of students crowding by the door to decrease before he grabs his own bag.

“Ah, Mr. Do. I was afraid you'd already left.” Mr. Lee peeks inside the room before he walks towards the platform and the table at the center of the room. “I'm glad you're still here. I've been meaning to talk to you since the project's last monthly check-up.”

“Is there something wrong, sir?”

“Not exactly, but you may want to take a seat, Mr. Do.” Mr. Lee says.

Kyungsoo takes the seat opposite to Mr. Lee, and he clears his throat and fixes the collar of his polo shirt. It's not his first time to be called out to speak alone with Mr. Lee, after all Kyungsoo is—in Mr. Lee's opinion—one of the best students in the class, and he'd always been one of the students who always get invited to participate at different photography contests as their university's representatives.

“You see,” Mr. Lee begins, tone firm but at the same time uncertain, “The real reason why I made this class do a three-month long photography project is to see who is deserving enough to become my right-hand in this big project I'm planning to do later this year. During last month's project check-up, I was able to pick out five students who I deem will be worthy of that position, and you are one of them, Mr. Do.”

Kyungsoo feels his knees slowly turn into jelly, and his hands shake as he stammers a reply, “That means a lot to me, sir! It really does!”

“I know, but keep in mind that nothing's set on stone, and that your final work will still be the basis of your chances in becoming my apprentice,” Mr. Lee says before finally standing up, “I expect a lot from you Mr. Do, the same as I expect a lot from the other four.”

Mr. Lee leaves the room, and after five days of only receiving texts from Jongin, Kyungsoo finally sends a reply.

(Delivered 12:17 PM) Yes. Meet me down the studio as always, Jongin.

 

***

 

They're at the pastry shop beside Jongin's working place again. Kyungsoo is already clutching a small envelope that held the last payment for his damaged camera, and he sighs as he watches how the rain leaves small knocks on the glass surface of building's transparent walls.

Their meeting had been cut short by the sudden drizzle, but instead of going their separate ways, Jongin had dragged Kyungsoo towards the pastry shop. When asked why, Jongin only smiled and said 'to get the coffee you missed when you ran away last time, silly'.

“Here's your coffee and sandwich.” Jongin moves to set the food down onto the table before putting the tray down on one of the vacant seats beside them. “And here's mine.”

Soon enough, they immerse themselves in normal conversation, with the both of them acting as if four days without contact had led them to become total strangers. Kyungsoo asks about how Jongin has been doing with his poem, while Jongin asks about Kyungsoo's work and project.

It all goes fine, like how it always does when it's with Jongin, but Kyungsoo feels the sudden surge of tension in the atmosphere that he's been dreading to feel all day once Jongin pulls out a novel from his bag and hands it to him.

“Kiko noona says she won't be able to come by tomorrow,” Jongin says.

Kyungsoo takes the book from Jongin, and he feels his breath catch in his throat when he realizes that
it was the same novel as the one that he found on Jongin's study table six days ago when he offered to help Kiko with her exhibit's brochure.

“I actually read that novel too, hyung,” Jongin says, “And there's a part there that I was a bit confused about. I was wondering if you'd be okay with hearing my interpretation for that particular paragraph?”

“Sure, Jongin. What page is the paragraph on?”

“One hundred and forty-three.”

Kyungsoo opens the book slowly, purposely taking a long while in trying to find the correct page number. A large part of him knows and is sure of what's coming, and the small part of him that doesn't is just hoping that what he thinks will happen won't happen.

He finds the page and sure enough, there's a note there, what he didn't expect to see was the text written on the pink piece of paper.

“I know this might sound too sudden, hyung, but... how do I put this...” Jongin's voice comes out weak, and Kyungsoo listens to him clear his throat before continuing, “I've liked you even before I met you.”

Kyungsoo doesn't take his eyes off of Jongin's handwriting.

“It all began when I asked my sister to borrow books from the library for me. She told me that you recommended most of the books she took home. Then, I was left thinking that the one who recommended the books must really be a good person, so I started to send you poems and notes as thanks.” Jongin pauses to take a deep breath. “It was really supposed to be just that until I met you at little Yura's birthday party and we had that accident. It was really just supposed to be notes wishing you a good day, but we started hanging out and I started to enjoy talking and being with you.”

Kyungsoo listens to Jongin with his head still angled towards the novel.

“And one day I just woke up and realized that it's not supposed to be just that anymore because I like you now, hyung. I really like you. More so than I did before I truly met you.”

There's a pregnant pause before Jongin opens his mouth again. “So?” It's a sign for Kyungsoo to read Jongin's note once again.

Will you go out with me?

-K.

Kyungsoo opens his mouth to speak. “Jongin I—”

But he gets cut off by Jongin. “You don't have to answer right away, hyung. You can think it over. I can wait.”

Putting the book inside his bag and the note inside his pocket, Kyungsoo frowns at the impossibility of giving Jongin an answer that won't hurt.

 

***

 

“So what did you say?” Baekhyun asks Kyungsoo during the latter's last shift at the library.

Baekhyun is helping Kyungsoo with cleaning up the stuff the latter owned from the desk drawers, even if he's still a bit taken aback after finding out about Kyungsoo's decision on quitting his work at the library. Kyungsoo hadn't told him the exact reason why he'd decided to quit, but Baekhyun is perceptive enough to know that whatever the reason is, it has something to do with the incident Kyungsoo had with Kiko, Jongin, and the notes.

“I told him about how I'm not interested in getting into any romantic relationships as of now.”

“So to put it simply, you rejected him.” Baekhyun gathers Kyungsoo's collection of Jongin's notes, carefully placing it inside Kyungsoo's document box along with all the other trinkets Kyungsoo owned.

Kyungsoo's voice comes out unsure, “Yeah?”

“What do you mean by 'yeah'?” Baekhyun narrows his eyes at his friend. “Okay, let me just get this straight, Kyungsoo. Do you like Jongin or not?”

The question comes out of Baekhyun's voice too abruptly, and Kyungsoo is led to blink and gape at his friend as he forces himself to shake his head. Does he like Jongin? Come to think about it, Kyungsoo hadn't really given his feelings for Jongin much thought. Sure, he admits that he finds Jongin as both physically and mentally attractive but for Kyungsoo, there's something missing; he just hasn't felt the want and need to be in a relationship with Jongin.

“Oh my god you like him?!” Baekhyun exclaims, and it's the temporary librarian—Zhang Yixing—who rings the bell and tells them to quiet down this time. Baekhyun continues in a hushed tone that sounds more like a sibilant hiss than a whisper, “You like him?”

Kyungsoo follows his tone. “I don't know, okay?”

“But you still rejected him without knowing what you exactly feel for him!”

“But I told him that I still wanted to be friends, and he said yes—”

“Which the both of us and almost everyone in the world knows is just a lie used to cover up the rejection, Kyungsoo! Why did you have to turn him down?” Baekhyun says, exasperated, “I've always been telling you this, but since you can't seem to remember it, I'm going to repeat it one last time: stop thinking that your future relationships will end up like how your last one did.”

“I don't... I'm not...” Kyungsoo tries to form a rebuttal, but fails.

“Jongin's a nice guy, Kyungsoo. And it's not that I don't respect your decision, but...” Baekhyun trails before he pushes the document box into Kyungsoo's hands, “I just can't understand why you refuse to give him a chance.”

 

***

 

The answer to Baekhyun's last question, Kyungsoo learns in the days that follow, is not worth finding out anymore. It's been almost a week and a half since his last meeting with Jongin, and Kyungsoo hasn't been able to hear anything from the younger. He'd tried sending Jongin messages and calling the younger, but he never gets a reply and his calls only go into voicemail.

It's normal, Kyungsoo thinks, Jongin is just human and it's only expected of him to be upset with Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo then frowns at the realization that Baekhyun was right all along. No two people ever come back to being what they were before one of them took the big leap and decided to confess.

Hours stretches into days, and days stretches into weeks. Kyungsoo starts missing Jongin, especially when he stumbles upon something that he remembers laughing or talking about with the other, but he pushes the thought towards the back of his head, opting to focus on things he needed to do such as finding a new job to replace the library he'd quit from.

(Delivered 8:35 AM) Hey, Chanyeol... do you know of any jobs I can work with right now?

(Received 8:56 AM) I know there's 1 at the convenience store near my house. I think they r looking for a cashier atm. Idk about the working hours tho.

(Delivered 8:59 AM) Wow, really?? I'll check it out. Thanks for letting me know, Chanyeol.

 

***

 

The city streets are damp with rain again.

It's the first Monday afternoon in the month of June, yet even though there's still a few hours before night time, the sky was already darkened and overcast by grey clouds.

Kyungsoo stands outside the convenience store that Chanyeol had told him about, which turned out to have already found a new cashier and whose employees were too lazy to care and take down the 'Wanted' sign on their entrance door. Forgetting to bring an umbrella, Kyungsoo is forced to wait the rain out and take refuge under the waiting shed just in front of the building.

The bleak weather only intensifies Kyungsoo's urge to frown and curse the day. He's been having it hard since the moment he woke and got up from bed. Mr. Lee had called him out earlier for the results of the last project check-up before the deadline, which was already only three weeks away. Kyungsoo was relieved to find out that he was still part of the five students who hold the chance to become Mr. Lee's apprentice, but Mr. Lee had quickly stripped him off of that relief after informing him that even though he found Kyungsoo's work impressive as always, he was looking for more.

“I've noticed your latest works have been lacking a certain element, Mr. Do,” Mr. Lee had said, “There's a reason why I let all of you decide on what to do for your journal. It's because I want your work to be personal. I sense a lack of passion with the way your journal is as of now. I hope you fix this problem before the deadline. You're not the only one who's aiming to be the top in this class after all.”

Kyungsoo fights the urge to take his frustration out on one of the convenience store's trash bins.

“Bad day?” Kyungsoo hears someone say, and he turns to his left, only to step back once he finds Jongin standing and folding an umbrella in front of him.

“Jongin? How are you here?” Kyungsoo wonders why, of all the time and places he could've bumped into Jongin, it had to be today.

“I'm on my way home from dropping Rahee at the Parks' place for her play date with little Yura. I hope noona wouldn't find it too hard to pick Rahee up later with this weather,” Jongin says almost too casually, almost as if he and Kyungsoo didn't stop talking for two weeks. “How about you, hyung? What brings you to this side of the neighborhood?” he continues.

“Looking for work.”

“Oh, yeah. I heard from Kiko noona that you quit the library. I wondered why.”

Kyungsoo tries to keep his answers short, “I wanted a change of workplace,” he says, and Jongin breaks out into an abrupt laughter.

“Is there something funny?” Kyungsoo asks.

Jongin takes a moment to straighten himself. He's wiping at his eyes by the time he decides to speak up once again. “It's just that I stopped talking to you only for weeks, but you already sound so rigid, hyung. It's like you're going by a script.”

“There's nothing funny about that. Why don't you try sending messages and calling someone everyday only to have each attempt ignored?”

“I'm sorry for that, but you know I had a reason to be sad,” Jongin says, “But I found out yesterday and today that I missed talking to you more than I like being left alone to wallow at my own sadness.”

Jongin is smiling as he offers his hand towards Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo thinks that he missed this too.

“Friends?”

Kyungsoo sends a smile back at Jongin. “Friends.”

 

***

 

The next day, Kyungsoo receives a text from Minseok for the first time in two months. Minseok's message tells him about a job opening at the studio beside the pastry shop near the library he used to work for—at the studio Jongin works for. Knowing how much he needed the money, Kyungsoo accepts the job and thanks Minseok for offering it to him despite the fact that the job specifically requires Kyungsoo to take pictures of people. Minseok only tells him that it's the least he can do for him at the moment.

Kyungsoo keeps his new job at Jongin's studio a secret from Jongin in an attempt to surprise the younger, and on the day of his job orientation, he receives a text from Jongin:

(Received 7:33 AM) Hey, hyung! Today's your first day at your new job, right? Here's a text to help you start your day.

(Received 7:39 AM) t: I think your eyes looks best when they're staring into mine.

Kyungsoo almost chokes on his coffee upon reading Jongin's last message, and he sends a fast reply.

(Delivered 7:42 AM) I don't think... ting works that way Jongin...

(Received 7:45 AM) Really? Can you show me how, then???

(Delivered 7:53 AM) Like hell I will.

(Received 7:53 AM) Ehh you're a meanie, hyung!

Kyungsoo leaves the conversation at that as he leaves for work. If he were to reflect on his relationship with Jongin, Kyungsoo thinks he definitely grew closer to Jongin during the past few days he's spent with the younger. It was almost as if Jongin's confession never really happened.

He arrives at the studio just in time with his newly-repaired camera in tow.

Coming upstairs, Kyungsoo realizes that the studio was actually bigger than it looked from the outside, but it was already crowded even at such an early hour. Myriads of people  were walking to and fro from the stage, towards the dressing room, and back again. It was as if Kyungsoo had just walked inside a bar, the only difference being the fact that there was no dance floor and certainly no alcohol at the snack stations.

“Pardon me, but are you perhaps Mr. Do Kyungsoo? The newly-hired photographer?” a tall and slim guys comes up to ask Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo can't shake off the feeling that he's seen the guy before as he nods, taking notice of the taller guy's colorful hair. “Yes. I am.”

“Hi, I'm Oh Sehun. You'll probably see me as the one in-charge of the small-scale stuff around the studio like carrying boxes, but I'm actually the one in charge of the lighting and other electrical stuff,” Sehun shakes Kyungsoo's hand with eagerness. “You're currently here to familiarize yourself with the workplace before starting work tomorrow, right? Well, there's an unusual amount of people here at the studio today because we've invited a small-scale celebrity for today's photo shoot. He's quite well-known for his type, as you can see with number of girls around the room. But, well, I hope you have fun, ” Sehun says before he motions towards the stage, mouths that he has to go and work, and leaves.

Kyungsoo soon finds himself looking for Jongin amidst the overwhelming number of people inside the studio, and he gives up, figuring that it would be better to contact Jongin in order to find him.

(Delivered 8:38AM) Where are you?

(Received 8:40 AM) At work, why?

(Delivered 8:42 AM) What are you wearing?

(Received 8:50 AM) Uhm... normal clothes?

Kyungsoo tries looking for Jongin in the crowd, only to fail once again.

(Delivered 8:58AM) Be more specific.

(Received 8:59 AM) !!!! are we actually doing this, hyung?

(Delivered 9:03 AM) Huh? What are you saying? And come on...

(Received 9:04 AM) Okay, okay. Wait... Uh...

(Received 9:09AM) I'm wearing a loose thin white tank top... and a pair of black skinny jeans...

Raising his head to look for Jongin in the crowd once again, Kyungsoo spots how the door of the main dressing room opens. It doesn't take a while before his phone vibrates in his hand once again.

(Received 9:14AM) brb hyung I have to go to work.

Just then, the group of fangirls beside Kyungsoo start to squeal and chant a name foreign to Kyungsoo's ears.

Kyungsoo realizes that even though he knew Jongin worked as a model at the studio, he didn't exactly know what type of modeling the younger male did. He finds out soon enough once he peeks at the models gathered at the center of the small stage, and Kyungsoo thinks he's never gaped at something so openly before.

In the middle of the small stage, was strawberry-haired Kim Jongin clad in only an underwear.

 

***

 

Him finally being an official photographer at the studio, Kyungsoo thinks, is the root of his current state of fatigue and stress. That, and the looming deadline for his photography class project.

Adjusting to working at the studio was a breeze for Kyungsoo since the people were always helpful and were always willing to tend to his questions whenever he had any, but Kyungsoo couldn't expect them to be able to help with his main problem. Kyungsoo's current concern was how he was going to please his new clients considering the fact that his job required him to take photos of people and only people every single day.

The studio, Kyungsoo had found out, was in charge of releasing issues of the men's underwear catalog Baekhyun used to borrow occasionally from the library before, the one with shirtless men without faces. Kyungsoo had also found out that Jongin was quite popular and that the younger male goes by the nickname 'Kai' in the modeling industry.

Kyungsoo had asked Jongin on one of their photo shoots about why the younger chose to go with another name, and Jongin had told Kyungsoo that it made modeling in only an underwear easier for him, in the way that the name 'Kai' made him forget about who he was and should be as 'Kim Jongin'. Kyungsoo begins to wonder if photographing people would become easier for him if he would come up and go by a name other than 'Do Kyungsoo'.

“Just eliminate the part of you that believes you're not good with photographing people, hyung,” Jongin tells Kyungsoo one day while in the middle of posing for the casual fashion magazine Kyungsoo has been anxious of doing.

Kyungsoo remembers hearing that despite the popularity of their studio's men's underwear catalogs, the casual fashion magazine remains as the most important one. Kyungsoo didn't work on the project alone, but he couldn't help but think of the possibility of his photos ruining the collection.

“Nobody ever said you were bad at photographing people, hyung. And I know you're not. I've seen your works and they're all wonderful,” Jongin tells him, “So just... let go and shoot photos like how you think photographers should do.”

So Kyungsoo does, not only with Jongin but with all the other people he takes pictures of.

The verdict comes a week after the studio started working on the casual fashion magazine. Kyungsoo receives his first praise for a photo that's not of landscape or inanimate objects, but of one of the models, and Kyungsoo can't help but think that he owes it all to Jongin.

It's because of Jongin that he's no longer unconfident with the photos he take of people. It's because of Jongin that Kyungsoo thinks maybe he can become Mr. Lee's apprentice after all.

 

***

 

“So you're telling me that you're starting to regret rejecting Jongin?” Baekhyun's painting on a canvas, his color palette only consisting of dark and somber shades. He must be on one of his creative moods wherein he just can't help but act like he's going through his own mind's version of Europe's great depression. “In about month after you rejected him. That's great. Good for you.” Baekhyun kicks and causes an empty tin can to topple and fall over.

“So what do you propose I should do?” Kyungsoo gets straight to the point, too tired to be brave enough to engage in a toxic banter with Baekhyun's current mood.

“Aside from praying that he still feels the same, you need to tell him how you feel, of course,” Baekhyun says.

Kyungsoo makes a small noise in his throat. He couldn't imagine himself confessing to anybody without utterly failing. “That's easier said than done, Baek.”

Baekhyun puts his brush and color palette down and wipes his hands on the front of his painting apron before putting them on each side of his waist. “But Jongin already did his part, hasn't he?”

Baekhyun elicits another gurgled noise from Kyungsoo.

“, you're right.” Kyungsoo looks down to cover his mouth with the palm of his right hand. He whispers the last part, “And I turned him down.”

Baekhyun laughs. “Don't worry I think Jongin-ssi knows you like him even by just a bit,” Baekhyun says, and Kyungsoo makes a questioning face. “I mean, even Vincent Van Gogh doesn't need an extra ear to hear how loud your heart beats when you're near Jongin.”

 

***

 

“Is that for your photography class project?” Jongin asks.

The rain outside the studio hasn't stopped, only getting heavier by the hour with the arrival of the monsoon wind. It's late June and Kyungsoo has been mentally groaning at the copious amount of stress splayed all over his desk in the form of photos.

It's a quarter until midnight, about four hours past their working shifts, but Kyungsoo and Jongin are still at the studio. Technically, they're the only ones left at the studio as they can't leave due to the heavy rain. It was Kyungsoo's idea to stay an extra hour at the studio. He'd forced Jongin to go home before him when the rainfall was still tolerable, but the younger vehemently said that he's fine with waiting for Kyungsoo to finish.

Stranded with nothing to do but wait for the rain to die out, Kyungsoo thinks it's best to past time by working on his photo journal.

“Yeah. I'm down to three more photos,” Kyungsoo says. He's honestly happy with how his photo journal is taking shape, but he's not sure if he can finish it without at least putting in one random photo just to catch the deadline.

Suddenly, a flash of white light reflects against the windows, and all the electricity is cut off inside the studio. Kyungsoo curses in unison with the delayed sound of the thunder's rumbling. The computer he was using to edit his photos had shut down without giving him any chance to save his work, but he remembers that the editing program he was using already had an autosave function.

“Thank god for the autosave function,” Kyungsoo sighs as he collapses in his seat. He turn his swivel chair around to face Jongin who was listening to music while hugging his backpack to his chest. He waits for Jongin to pull the earphones out of his ears before saying, “You should've gone home when I told you to, Jongin.”

Kyungsoo checks his phone for the time. “At this rate I don't think we'll be able to go home. All train stations are closed and I don't think there's a cab who'd be willing to take passengers with this kind of weather.”

“I guess we'll just have to spend the night here, then?” Jongin says.

“It's not like we have any other choice.”

The room they're in is dark, the light coming from the moon serving as the only light source. Kyungsoo and Jongin use their phones' flashlights to move around. They lay out a couple of old tarpaulins and posters they found around the room, making it serve as a mat to sleep on.

“We can use our bags as pillows,” Jongin says as he lies down onto the mat and places his backpack under his head. “I'm beat.”

Kyungsoo follows Jongin and lies down on the other side of the mat. “Same here.”

They lay with their backs facing each other in silence, the occasional thunder being the only things that breaks the silence every once in a while

The sound of falling rain, Kyungsoo thinks, had always sounded calming to him. He's always found something comforting about how the rain sounds like it's washing things away. Maybe because he was very fond of running away from things before. Kyungsoo realizes that he wants to change that, wants to start chasing for the things he want once again, so he turns around, ready to face Jongin's back, only to be greeted by Jongin's sleepy face.

Jongin's features are a bit loosened by the drowsiness that's evident in his eyes, and Kyungsoo decides that what he likes best about a sleepy Jongin is the way the corners of Jongin's mouth curls up into a weak smile, matching the gentle look he has in his eyes.

“Can't sleep?” Jongin's voice comes out as a whisper, but the night is quiet enough for Kyungsoo to hear it.

Uncertain as to where the confidence he had just acquired earlier went, Kyungsoo makes up a lie. “Yeah. I find it hard to sleep in unfamiliar places.”

There's a brief pause before Kyungsoo hears movement, and before he knows it, Jongin had already inched closer to him and was using his free arm to wrap around Kyungsoo's head almost as if he was planning to enclose Kyungsoo in a hug.

Kyungsoo squeezes his eyes shut, anticipating for any type of touch, but he only feels something sit on the inside of his ear. Then, he starts to hear music; Jongin had let him share one of his earphone's earbuds.

“I have a playlist for songs to sleep at night,” Jongin says.

Kyungsoo doesn't think about Jongin's proximity, about how his pulse had started to beat a little faster than it did before, or how he can smell Jongin's strawberry scent, and instead closes his eyes once he recognizes the song.

Settle down with me
Cover me up
Cuddle me in

“Do you know what this song is called, hyung?” Jongin asks, his voice sounding a lot deeper than the singer's.

Lie down with me
And hold me in your arms

Kyungsoo answers Jongin's question without even giving it much thought. “Of course. It's Ed Sheeran's... 'Kiss Me'.”

“Do you really want me to?” Jongin asks, and Kyungsoo's heart starts drowning out the sound that's coming from the earbud in his ear once Jongin's words sink in.

And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck
I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet

Opening his eyes, Kyungsoo gazes at Jongin's face—at the silent quiver of moonlight in Jongin's eyes, nose, and lips.

And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now

Kyungsoo doesn't answer Jongin's question, but instead, he closes his eyes shut again, takes a deep breathe, leans forward, and puts all of his unsaid words against Jongin's lips.

Kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved, you wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
Falling in love, we're falling in love

 

***

 

Kyungsoo wakes up early the next day, and the sun is shining down and painting shadows on Jongin's sleeping form.

He doesn't exactly know why but he gets the burning itch to take a candid picture of Jongin sleeping. Kyungsoo grabs his camera from his messenger bag, finds the perfect angle, and snaps a photo.

Kyungsoo gets home that day with a text from Jongin that says 'I hope you got home safe' and the determination of finally finishing his photo journal.

 

***

 

“I'm... leaving the studio, Jongin,” is what Kyungsoo says for the first time since he last met Jongin, which was almost a week ago.

They're at the pastry shop beside the studio again, and it hasn't rained in the city for three days.

Kyungsoo had been busy for the last week with the finalizations of his photo journal, only being able give short replies to Jongin's messages and whenever Jongin called, Kyungsoo's phone would only lead his line to voicemail. Jongin thinks it's Kyungsoo's revenge for how he'd acted similarly before.

“Mr. Lee was very happy with my project that among the five of us who were lining up for his offer, he chose to give me the honor of becoming his apprentice or assistant at a project he's set to start working on next month!” The words come out of Kyungsoo's mouth like a rapid waterfall. “We're going to take pictures of various scenery, architecture, and cityscapes. Maybe even climb mountains for their forests.”

“That sounds really great, hyung. I bet you'll really enjoy it.” Jongin's smile is genuine. “But, won't you be taking pictures of people too?”

Kyungsoo hears the concern in Jongin's voice. “Maybe not for a while. But I did include one photo of a person in my photo journal, and Mr. Lee was very pleased about it.”

“Really? Can I see?”

“Yeah, but don't tease me about it.”

Kyungsoo shows Jongin his photo journal and waits for Jongin to reach the particular page before he speaks up. “I hope I'm not too late,” Kyungsoo says and he grins as a shade of pink dusts Jongin's cheeks. Kyungsoo was proud to say that he'd learned a thing or two about how to be romantic from Jongin.

The page Jongin is looking at has a photo of him sleeping, the one Kyungsoo took secretly one morning, and below it is a caption that has Jongin digging and looking  for something inside his bag.

He fishes out a pen and a post-it-note, and scribbles out words before putting it in front of Kyungsoo's face.

Will you go out with me?

“I need to hear it from you,” Jongin says.

Kyungsoo thinks it's silly how his heart feels like it's going to jump out of his throat any minute from now and how Jongin's hand is shaking while holding the note in from of him, but he answers anyway the question on Jongin's note anyway.

“Yes.”

 

“Maybe what we have is worth a shot after all.”
– Do Kyungsoo to Kim Jongin, one fine morning

 

 

 

**EPILOGUE**

 

Kyungsoo comes home from the grocery, heading directly towards the kitchen to restock the fridge. He'd promised Jongin that he'd buy a carton of banana milk because the younger never drinks coffee and had always looked a bit sad whenever he settles for having only orange juice or water for breakfast.

Moving to open the fridge, Kyungsoo notices a note that had Jongin's handwriting on it taped to the fridge's surface. He doesn't even need to guess whether it's a poem or not because it's always the former with Jongin.

What he doesn't expect to read, however, is a revised version of the unfinished poem Jongin had showed him years ago:

I always knew that love would come and find me someday
And that when it does, it would be nothing short of amazing.

I knew love would enter with a bang, surprise me,
And pull the ground beneath my feet, leaving me breathless.

I knew love would be like a meteor shower, leaving me wanting
To travel the distance that separates the earth and the sky
Just to be with them every minute of my life.

That's what I knew, until love finally came
And proved that what I knew was wrong.

Love didn't surprise me when we exchanged greetings.
Love never was like a meteor shower because love was never far away.

My love, I've realized, is simple.
My love didn't enter my life with a bang,
But even if love didn't, I know love would stay.

My love likes taking pictures of the world around them but never of me,
And I like to think it's because love would rather see me with their bare eyes.

My love, even though at first was afraid of loving me back, now loves me
With all their heart which I've promised and still promise to take care of.

My love is You, Do Kyungsoo,
And I'm happy that you came into my life and showed me what love really is.

Hoping to be what you thought love would be, Kim Jongin.