Fix Me

                    I felt him hit me again and it stung. Why? What had I done wrong? His blows hit me again and again and I considered running away. I want to leave him, but I can’t. I love him too much. I love him so much that I can endure whatever he does to me. I have to, I can’t live without him.

                    I was on the floor and he was kicking me. One kick hit my crotch and I screamed out in pain. Suddenly the beating stopped. He bent down and whispered dangerously in my ear. “Scream again and you’ll have it worse.”

                    He kicked my crotch again and I bit my lip to stop myself from screaming out loud. I whimpered as I felt blood drip from my lip. The pain coming from my crotch was killing me, but it was nothing compared to my heartbreak.

                    He always told me that he’s only doing this because he loves me. I came to accept the fact that this was his way of showing his love for me, but lately I wonder if this is right. I kept my eyes shut tightly, and tried to remind myself to the reasons that makes this right. Why am I still here? Oh, right. I love him.

                    It wasn’t his fault. I wasn’t his fault he was like this. He grew up in an abusive family and he was brought up to be this way. I tried to change him, I really did try. Every time he beat me up, I would just let him. I was muscular and strong, but I wouldn’t fight back. Just let him hit me, maybe if he did then he would love me better. It was just a way of letting his anger out.

                    Somewhere deep inside me, I knew that this was wrong. I knew that this wasn’t normal and it wasn’t right. But who were the people to judge? They didn’t know him; they didn’t know how sweet and caring he can be at times. They didn’t see his vulnerablity. And I’m glad they didn’t. Every time he broke down and showed me his vulnerable side, he would turn violent after that. It was his way of coping, so I let him hit me.

                    I had completely zoned out and only came back to reality when I finally realized that the beating had stopped. I counted to twenty before opening my eyes. I saw him on the floor, unconscious. What the hell happened? One moment he was beating me up and the next he was unconscious? I ignored the pain in my body and crawled over to him. I his cheek and kissed his forehead. He looked so beautiful unconscious. It looked like he was at peace with himself, away from the violence.

                    I lay my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. I closed my eyes and relaxed.

                    “Jonghyun…” I heard someone call my name, sighing. Was it him? Is he awake? I whimpered in fear that he would start hitting me again. Then I realized that it wasn’t his voice. I looked up in confusion and saw you standing next to the both of us. Who are you?

                    “Come with me.” You said. Why should I? I couldn’t see you properly, but your voice was like a gentle caress, soothing over a hurting wound. And I had a lot of wounds. Are you here to save me? Save me from what, I had no idea. I think I knew from that moment on that I would be yours.

                    “What about Minho?” I asked you, gesturing to him on the ground. He was still unconscious, and I wouldn’t leave him there.

                    “Jonghyun, just come with me please. He’ll be fine.” You tried to pull me off him but I struggled weakly. You managed to drag me off him anyway. Where were you taking me? I gave up and just let you drag me away. I feel your slender fingers around my bicep and it felt comforting. I still didn’t know who you were. How did you know my name?

                    I didn’t know where we were going but I knew that as long as I was with you, everything would be alright. I followed you but the thought of him lying on the ground back at the house was still stuck in my mind. I was concerned for him, but I couldn’t pull away from you. I knew that I was doomed to be stuck with you from then on. Was it a bad thing, though?

                    We arrived at an apartment. I could be afraid, wondering what you were going to do to me, but I wasn’t. I didn’t know you, but I trusted you. You were like an angel, but you were like the devil. How dare you drag me away from him? But somehow I wished that you came sooner.

                    I stepped into your luxurious living room and you asked me to sit on the couch. You disappeared somewhere and came back later with a first aid kit. I was unresponsive, I knew. I didn’t know how to respond to you. I was still in a daze and slightly numb. You took out cotton wools, bandages, medicine and some other things from the first aid kit. I sat still as you worked on my wounds. There were some cuts and bruises. I could tell you weren’t a professional, but you were doing an okay job. The medicine stung my wounds a bit, but I knew they were good for me. They would heal me, right?

                    The best unexpected medicine came when you started singing. I knew I could sing well, but I’ve never heard something like your singing. You weren’t extremely good at it, but it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. You sang softly as you dressed my wounds. Was it the medicine healing me or your voice? It was unique and deep, yet soft and caring. I felt like a sailor listening to a mermaid’s song, I was being captured and I could do nothing about it.

                    You stopped singing. Why? Why did you stop? I finally came back to my senses and turned to look at you. You were looking at me. I took in your features. Your feline eyes. Your jaw line. Your lips. Your nose. But what I couldn’t take my eyes off was your eyes. They were a beautiful shape, but that wasn’t it. It was the look in your eyes and I loved the feeling of it. It was love and care. It was magic. It was you, believing in me. It was you, loving me.

                    You were staring at me and I didn’t know what you were thinking. What do you see when you look at me? My cuts and bruises? My eyes? What do my eyes say about me? Or do you think I’m handsome? Maybe you think I’m ugly? You reached up and reached for my cheek, but I flinched. Were you going to slap me?

                    I felt nothing. Was I too used to the pain? I turned back and looked at you. Your hand was still suspended in mid-air. Your eyes looked sad. Why were you sad? It broke my heart to see you sad, and I don’t know why. Did I do something wrong?

                    “I won’t hurt you, you know.” You said. I don’t know why, but I believed you. I got tired of believing him when he said he was sorry for hurting me and promised to not hurt me again, only to beat me up the next day. I got tired of the lies he told me, the empty promises, that I started to not believe him. But you were different. You’re gentle and I felt as if I could break you. Although it’s more like me breaking apart and you picking up the pieces.

                    What was your name? Who are you? I didn’t know and I still didn’t. You’re like a stranger to me but I felt like I’ve known you forever. “Who are you?” I finally asked aloud. I think I meant ‘what’s your name’ instead of ‘who are you’ though. I knew exactly who you were. You’re my angel. You’re my everything. And yes, I’ve only known you for less than an hour.

                    “My name’s Key. You can call me Key or Kibum, I really don’t mind.” You answer in that sweet voice of yours. It was deep, with a certain depth but light and sweet. Like church bells ringing, or a choir singing. I don’t know. But I could listen to it forever.

                    Key? Kibum? You have a beautiful name. It is beautiful because it’s yours.

                    “How did you find me? What happened?” I asked endless questions, finally coming out of the trance I was in.

                    “I… Let’s just say I have been watching you from afar for a while and I had a crush on you. I knew you were in a relationship with Minho but I couldn’t stay away. I passed by his house just now and I heard you scream. I ran in without any thought and knocked him unconscious when I saw him hurting you. He shouldn’t hurt you. No one should hurt you.”

                    I slowly processed what you told me. So technically, you stalk me? I didn’t care. I needed to get back to him. Was he okay? He would be angry if I left him. I stood up to walk to the door of your apartment but you stopped me. You grabbed hold of my wrist and I looked down at you. You had tears in your eyes. Why did you have tears in your eyes?

                    “Don’t go. I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t right to stalk you, but I couldn’t stay away. I’ve never spoken to you, but I fell in love with you the second I set my eyes on you. Don’t go back to him. I know what he’s done to you and it would break my heart if he continues to hurt you. Don’t go back to him, please.” Your voice came out as a whisper and I felt myself wanting to stay there with you forever.

                    I kneeled down on the soft carpet and looked you in the eye. Why were you so concerned about me when you barely know me? I’m confused. Why? How? What? When? Nothing made any sense. I was spiraled out of control but somehow I liked it. I liked it because you’re the cause of me spiraling out of control.

                    “The way he loves you isn’t right. Let me show you how love can be. Give me a chance to show you how I can love you, please?” Your plead hit my ears. It was the sweetest thing I have ever heard. What did you mean? He loves me right. What would be different if I let you love me? You would treat me like he treated me… right?

                    You pressed your lips against mine. You were so gentle. You’re so fragile yet so strong. It felt different then when he used to kiss me. He would get rough and made me hurt, reassuring me that it is okay to hurt because it’s a good kind of hurt. I started to doubt him. Did he really love me at all?

                    You kept your lips on mine and cupped my face in your hands. You rested your forehead against mine and whispered to me. “I love you. Let me love you. I won’t hurt you, I promise.”

                    Your words were exactly the same as his. “I won’t hurt you, I promise.” He made an empty promise, but I trust you enough to believe that you would actually keep your promise. Really? You wouldn’t hurt me? You pulled me into your arms and the world is well again. I need nothing other than your embrace. I fisted your shirt and sobbed into your chest. I finally realize. It was wrong. It was never right with him. I can see that now. This felt right. This is right.

                    I felt your chest raking with sobs and I looked up at you in surprise. Had I done something wrong to upset you? You must have seen the look on my face because you said the sweetest words I have ever heard someone say to me. “I’m crying because you’re crying. It breaks my heart that you’re hurting. I’m sorry. I should be stronger. I should stay strong for you.”

                    Your apology broke my heart. You don’t have to be strong for me. We can both be weak together. We can both break apart and let the seams fall apart. We can pick up each other’s pieces and we will find our way. We’ll be okay. I kissed you and I felt the world stop for a moment. So this is how love feels like. This is how love should be.