If you want me, I'll come back and meet you
Whisper, whisper, you must admit you want it

 

Months later, it was hard to tell that Serenity and I started off as enemies. Even I, I did not know how we even used to hate each other. Serenity (or Nutty or Angel) was my roommate and my friend. I could not imagine us being another way. Or yes I could…

 

It had always been somewhere in my head to be honest. But it got real on a Friday night. She was with her friends and came back home around 8pm. I greeted her as she fell next to me on the couch. We had a small talk and watched the show together while having dinner. There was Harry Potter on TV that night and being a Potterhead, she could not possibly miss this. At some point, she looked tired and was struggling to find a comfortable position for her head. So I nudged her and moved my shoulder. She shook her head and stood still beside me. I shrugged it off and returned to the film. But a few minutes later, she had changed her mind and her head was on my shoulder. And it hardly ever moved after. Not even after the end of the film. We just decided to watch a nerdy talk show because we were nerds who liked to talk about very serious topics. However, at some point we grew silent and my imagination was running. Was it that moment when the guy tries to kiss the girl at the cinema? What the hell, Jongin? I screamed in my head. I had to shut these ideas… just like I always had until then. I could not be like that, not now, not with Serenity. I could not ruin everything. It had been years since I last had this kind of relationship with a girl. She was also my roommate. She knew who I was. I didn’t want all our sincerity to be wasted in the messy thing that love could be. Besides, what if I didn’t like her like that and was just so comfortable and only listening to my hormones? Finally, I knew it… I knew Serenity didn’t want this. She hated how guys always ruined everything by hitting on her.

I looked at her only to see her sleeping face. I smiled, kind of relieved. She was just asleep… because she was comfortable with me. That was our relationship. But the more I was looking at her sleeping face, the more it was hard to stop all of these ideas.

Was I suddenly physically attracted to her?

 

Chanyeol spilled his drink in front of me. “Are you stupid?” he asked. I grimaced as he tried to remove the remaining of what he spilled from his face. “Of course you are…” he answered me. I nearly died at this. I grabbed my head in my hands and collapsed on the counter. “But hey, there’s nothing wrong with it. Actually, it was about time you noticed” I turned my head to look at him, still resting on the counter. “What do you mean?” Chanyeol rolled his eyes at me. “Because you do believe you were suddenly attracted to her?” I gave him my ‘duh’ look. Wasn’t what I had just told him? “I will forgive you because it’s your first time falling in love” This got me straight up on my seat. “In love?” “Jongin… You’ve been attracted to her the whole time. You just didn’t notice until now. I think it’s safe to say you are falling for her…” I let a flow of swears escape under my breath as my head met the counter again. I could not afford this. No, I could not. “Hey, it’s not that bad…” He patted my back, trying to imply I was being a drama king. But he did not know… “It is… Serenity is like me, Chanyeol. She hates a guy hitting on her, she is not interested in cheesy lines, she doesn’t want a love life and cliché drama scenes. I’m that guy she can be close to without feeling awkward and she is that girl I can feel good with anytime. Do you know why? Because we know for sure the other is sincere and doesn’t expect what people usually would… Do you get what I mean?” The guy stood there and finished his drink before shrugging. “Not really. Actually, that’s just all the more reasons why I’m rooting for the two of you. So don’t you ruin my ship” He grinned at me exaggeratedly.

I sighed. He didn’t understand. But now, only one could. And that was the last person I wanted to tell about this.

Obviously.

 

I felt guilty when I looked at her more than I should, when my heart was beating loud as she rested her head on my shoulder, when I patted her cheek being out of character, when… I noticed all the changes. Or what I thought to be changes.

She begged to disagree when I started to reduce our time together. I was snappy too and colder. I just had no idea how to stop this.

“What’s with you lately?” she finally asked me one morning and it felt like she slapped me across the face. Last time I saw that glint of anger in her eyes was when we were enemies. That’s when I realised. I was ruining it all. “I knew this would happen” I mumbled and sighed. She frowned at me as she tried to catch what was happening. “I love you.”

...

It felt like I told her I had a cancer. And to be honest, it was kind of the same process. It started very little and slowly, all of my body was weak and under its control. Love was a cancer.

“And I hate it. Because I know it will ruin everything. So please, just give me time. Leave me the heck alone and give me time. Please, Nutty. Because I-” “Fine, you don’t have to repeat, I’m not stupid. I’m not deaf either.”

She left the kitchen and a few minutes after, I could hear the front door being slammed shut. Silence welcomed me.

I did it. I really ruined everything.

 

Well I just wish we could go back one more time and begin it
Back before I lost myself somewhere, somewhere in it.

 

Serenity did give me time. And a lot of space too. She was good at this. Unfortunately. And I felt like to be quite honest. I didn’t like space. I didn’t like time ticking oh so slowly. Not like this. It could have been anyone, heck even Chanyeol, that would give me a break from all his nagging – but not Serenity.

I messed up with the only girl I wanted things to go fine with.

 

“Will you now tell me what happened?”

Chanyeol was standing in front of my bed, arms crossed over his chest and an eyebrow raised. “You've had this y attitude all week and Serenity is avoiding me” he stated to give more ground to his need of an explanation. “She has always tried to avoid you…” I commented, not bothering to look at him. I did not even shoot a glance at him since I opened the door for him. If I knew, I wouldn’t have opened it… I guess I was hoping to see her but yeah, I'm not that lucky. Or am I? “Well she was starting to get quite fond of me so I deserve to know why all these efforts are going to a waste suddenly” I sighed, sat up and shrugged. “You were right. I love her…” Chanyeol frowned at this. “Yeah and how does this explain anything?” My hands turned into fists as I tried to calm down. My anger issues were back it seemed. I needed to do something about it so I tried to breath in. Chanyeol had a knack for annoying me and making my life a distaster sometimes but he didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of that anger. After all, I was mad at myself. “I told her.” “And she rejected you?” I chuckled darkly at this, stung by my own feelings. I stood up from my bed, grabbed my leather jacket and put it on. “She didn’t have to.” The tall guy grabbed his head, trying hard to understand. “Would you make an effort and explain properly?” “I ing asked her to give me time and she agreed.” I latched on him, the scene playing in my head again and the burning sensation in my heart killing me more and more. My hand covered my eyes as I tried to calm down. “What the hell did you ask her time for? You should have, I don’t know, kissed her right there” I immediately looked at him as if he was crazy and he returned the gaze. “I told you we don’t have the usual relationship” “Bull, your people just like any other, you just have weirder standards. Jong ing in, you didn’t even give her a chance to give an answer to that. Did you?”

I was left silent.

“I knew it…” He started to walk around my room nervously as if it was his problem. I could not get it. “She is dating…” This got Chanyeol on pause and I had his attention, instead of his frustration (which I still don't get, he was too involved). “I saw her with him” I said, my voice and expression hollow. Chanyeol sighed. “I don’t care much about that guy. You did not even try. What time did you need so bad? What for?” I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to talk about how pathetic and scared I am. I wanted to mourn my loss in peace. And perhaps, someday, Serenity will not be mad at me again. Maybe she will even accept to look at me as a friend. “You think with time, it will be okay uh? But how do you feel now she spends her time outdoors with that guy? The same time she used to spare for you before. What do you think it means? Uh? You ing could be that guy, that’s what it means” he darkly said.

I knew that too. And jealousy was burning me down.

I tried to talk to her again but… after I saw her with that guy, after she came home late on purpose to avoid me… It was too hard. I was so mad. Mad at me.

I wanted to tell her “It’s okay now, we can be friends again” but I knew the ache in my heart was not about our friendship only. It was still there. How much time did I need for it to stop? Did I even really want it to stop?

That question kept replaying in my head as I got back home, partially drunk. I stumbled in the lobby, trying to take off my shoes and when I somewhat succeeded in it, I saw her. She was looking at me from the middle of the living room. She sighed and headed towards her room. I marched in the hallway and grabbed her hand before she could disappear behind the door. “I… I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” I somewhat confessed. She stayed silent. “I thought… I thought it would ruin everything, you know, my feelings. I wanted our relationship to stay as it is. I wanted you to trust me and to see I was different from all the guys hitting on you. Because I know how you feel about it… So I hoped they would go… my feelings. That’s why I wanted time. But… It was hard and… I can’t do this anymore. So please, forgive me” I pleaded, my head clouded and my heart burning. Or was it the remains of the alcohol in my system? Can't be sure.

For a long while, nothing happened at all. That silence was killing me. I was trying hard to think of something to say but she moved slightly to the side to face me. She looked at me. “Chanyeol called an hour ago asking me if you were home. You were not. I have stayed up just to make sure you were alive. Because I’m a person with a conscience. But now, I’m tired. So I’m just going to sleep” It took me a while to understand this. But I nodded. “Sorry…” she sighed exasperatedly at this, she hated this, people apologizing nonstop. “Just… Will you speak to me tomorrow?”

The only answer I got was “I will see” before she closed her door on me.

I really was pathetic.

But I realized something. She was worried. Earlier, she was worried when Chanyeol called and I wasn’t home. I fished my phone out of my jeans and called the said boy. “What the, Jongin, I’m trying to sleep!” I cut him, not having listened one bit to what his complaints were about. “Chanyeol, I still have a chance right? She was worried…”