If you leave now, I'll come back and haunt you

 

It was hard to pretend nothing had changed. The more I read about her, the harder it was. So I eventually gave her notepad back to her, saying I thought it was mine at first and got confused. Her eyes turned even colder than they were when I asked her to wait. I can remember a slight flash of panic in them too. Eventually, she took it back and mumbled an ‘okay’ before going back to her room silently. I stood there, staring at the closed door of her room.

She avoided me a bit more after that, just for a day or so though.

Still I felt awful for some reason. It’s not what I expected from this but really, what was I even expecting? Scratch that. Since when was I expecting anything from her regarding our non-existent relationship? We were nothing to each other. Barely could we be considered roommates. I would like to say we were strangers. However strangers don’t make the other feel bad on purpose just like we were up to before that day. And strangers… don’t know each other. I knew her, just a little more each day. I was the stranger to her. A jerk of a stranger. And for some reason this idea was very uncomfortable.

 

Chanyeol called me miserable for that. "I told you, this girl is what you need. Not in a romantic way right. But more in a... serves-you-right way? You suddenly feel like being nice and open to her? Ha, nope she said. Karma is a BEEP."

I hate him. But he was right, I deserved it. I deserved to experience how bad I was to girls. Especially those who liked me. Wait, it's not like I liked Serenity. Don't try to reverse the situation like that. Okay. I just... I don't know. I feel like we missed on something great.

 

Well I just wish we could go back one more time and begin it [...]
We got the start wrong

 

I was just done with my last term and ready to go home. I escaped the campus and almost joined the bus stop nearby when I remembered I came here using my brand new car. I still wasn't used to it. I groaned and was about to walk the other way when I spotted Serenity with a guy. I would have left her with him a few days ago but I spotted that smile on her lips. That awkward smile. Way too polite smile. I heard her words, her “no” again and again. I didn’t even realise I was getting so close that I could hear her. I was focused on something else. I saw her frown... And I remembered her notepad... "I hate it when guys hit on me so blatantly. I feel trapped. I hate it so much I feel like ignoring forever boys. Why am I like this? Girls usually like it... But I truly dislike it. So much sometimes I do not want to leave home for a long while so I won’t have to meet one of them. What's wrong with me? Guess I'm a cold wrench..."

No, she was not. Or we were both cold bastards. But I could understand that. I was like that too. I was then probably the only one able to understand her in that situation.

I sighed and made my way to her. "Hey, is he bothering you?" I said as I put my arm around her shoulders protectively. She looked up at me, shocked. So I tried a reassuring smile. "Y- Uh... Jongin?” I had to hide my surprise as she said my name, not expecting it. “Oh... No, he is not. We were done just like I was telling him" The guy eyed me as if I were a piece of trash and I ignored him. "Good. Then let's go home, I got my car." She nodded and followed me silently. I just told her a few things but I mostly kept silent, my arm still around her shoulders. I didn't let go of her until we were in front of my car. Then I was sure she was safe.

"Thanks for what you did..." She mumbled, looking at me. I shook my head and opened the passenger door for her. "Don't. Just get in, that looser wasted enough of our time didn't he?" She smiled at this and nodded. Serenity eventually hopped in and after I also got in, I started the engine to leave this place.

 

We barely talked during the ride. The few times I tried to initiate a conversation, she was busy looking outside the window and she looked so peaceful I could not bring myself to disturb. Or then our eyes would meet and she would look away almost immediately.

I sighed when I stopped the engine and let my head hit the headrest. "I wanted to say sorry... for being a jerk since you moved in" I suddenly blurted out looking in front of me. I was a dark shade of pink, I knew it. And her laughter didn't make it any better. "I was one too. And you helped me just now, I owe you. So don’t mention it" She nodded at her last words, obviously satisfied with her reasoning. I shrugged. "I would hate it if I were a girl. Heck, I don't like it when girls are like that to me..." She smiled at this and let out a small “Right?”

I wanted her to open up to me. To tell me what I read in her notepad. However, she was not ready.

I nodded to myself and got out of the car. The gentleman growing in me was kind of disappointed to see her already out of it too. I would have liked to show her I had some manners by opening the door for her. What the heck? I thought. But somehow that new guy inside of me was taking control… or I would like to believe it was someone else.

I rested my arms and my head on the top of the car and looked at her as she was closing the door. She met my eyes, looked down to her books, made a few steps and looked at me again. I didn’t budge. “What is it?” she finally asked, knowing something was up with me. A small smile played on my lips. “I was thinking… Perhaps we should just start it all again? You know, go back to the start and introducing each other.” She smiled at this like one would smile at a kid when he said fairies exist. I studied her face intently from that point. She looked like she was contemplating it. She walked all the way up to where I was standing. I straightened up to face her properly. “Nah, I like it this way. All the bickering and being basically jerks to each other”

I chuckled. “That’s how you plan to pay back? You said it yourself, you owe me.” She nodded in agreement, not trying to back off. “I do owe you. What I mean is… That it’s fine like this.” I frowned at what she said. So she was not interested in being friends or something? I didn’t get it. And disappointment was slowly growing in my chest when she spoke again. “If you don’t mind, we could perhaps try to get along better from now on. I mean, what’s so good about being nice to each other now is that you can hardly go any worse than you were before.” And that’s when she killed me. A huge smile stretched my lips as I laughed out loud at her reasoning. Smart kid, she got a point here. “Look who’s speaking. I’m sorry but you were being a cold to me if I remember well” She gapped, looking outraged at what I said. But not mad. I could see her lips fighting a grin. “Well, you’ve been an even before I landed a foot in the apartment” I chuckled and raised my hand in surrender. “Ok, ok, I’m the biggest out of the two of us but you’re not so far behind, angel” She glared at me as I, a victorious smile on, walked in the direction of our building. She was hot on my heels, ready to give a sassy comeback. And my smile was growing larger by the second.

I realised… But it just became our building.

 

And I must insist
That you haven't had enough
You haven't had enough

 

In a week time, Serenity and I got a lot closer. After that day, we both spent the weekend at home. Which was not unusual as we were not really into going out that much – but she was a lot more of a social butterfly than I will ever be. We used to avoid each other and spend the day in our respective rooms. But that Saturday morning, I got out of my room and stayed in the living room for the first time in weeks. I wanted to see her as soon as she was leaving her own room so I could try saying ‘good morning’. As if to make sure we really were going to be like this now. My eyes twinkled in amusement when I saw her ‘angry bird’ face as she got out of her room, yawning a little. Then her eyes met mine and I got to taste the joy of teasing her first thing in the morning. Before, I would have never witnessed this. That’s something I didn’t want to miss anymore, too much fun. “Straight in the morning already? You won’t give me a break, will you?” she mumbled grumpily and I laughed. It had been a while too that I didn’t laugh that early in the morning. “Ugh… nothing changed after all, I still hate you” “Well usually at this time of the day, I’m wishing you’re dead” “Same and I still am” she shot back victoriously and we both laughed. I was being a good sport at it, I would have been as grumpy.

And to be honest, I think I liked it.

 

After that, we didn’t really stop talking. Only to shower, obviously. All day long we had small conversations and it looked like we were stuck between trying to act natural and enjoying fully this new company we were to the other. I guess I was making excuses sometimes to initiate more conversation. I was greedy. In want to know more, to know what the notepad’s owner was like in person. There were many pages of that notepad I wanted to become real. I guess I was lonely and having someone a lot like me was a chance I was desperate to grab.

That night we watched TV together even if it was unintentional. And we ended up talking more. “Not going out?” she asked at some point. “Nah, I like being home way too much. You know, away from all the fake attention and the ruckus.” She smiled brightly at this. “You?” I asked in return. Just like I said previously, even though we were both quite introverted, she happened to go out a lot more than me. She shrugged. “Same thing I guess. At home, you don’t have to compromise, you just do what you want to do. You can be who you want to be without having to be responsible to society” I smirked at this. “Though, popular as you are-” “I’m not popular!” she protested. “Trust me, you are. Somewhat… you just don’t realise. The point is, I would have expected you to be more of an extrovert.” I noted. I turned my head to look at her. While I was on the floor with my back resting against the feet of the couch, she was sitting on it, her legs to her chest and a small comforter around her. “You were wrong then. I know I look a lot different from what I actually am.” I nodded and turned my body a little more towards her as our eyes met. It was not awkward. No, it was actually a lot more comfortable than all the avoiding. “I am like this too… My friends say all the time that I’m a disappointment compared to the first impression.” I chuckled at this and she shook her head in disbelief. “I beg to disagree on this…” A smart comment again that got us laughing at how weird we were.

Yeah I could not disappoint her. She didn’t expect anything from me.

“Aww. Did I get better?” She chuckled again. “As if it was that hard!” “It is! You don’t know how much of an effort I am making to try and be pleasant” I joked and she made a face at me.

Just like that, we spent the night talking and the day after was no different. The next Monday, I was even disappointed to learn she had no class in the morning and would go to work straight after classes. I had no idea she was working… It was only around 8pm that we got to talk again. Even though she looked so tired and mad. But it only made it easier for us to talk: it’s not like I hate finding new subjects to complain about. And work was providing a large amount of complaints I could understand (especially when said job got you tutoring teenagers).

Next day, I knew we had a similar schedule and I decided to drive her to university too. “Even if I would have loved to hear your complaints about the bus… I kind of pity you for being this late already” That’s how I told her. There was no way I was being too casual about helping her. We had our policy after all: being cold jerks, right? But friendly cold jerks still.

It was Friday again and I knew Serenity was done with her last term too. I had no excuses for waiting for her but I couldn’t let her be. Not after what happened the Friday before with that weird guy. So yeah, my feet were about to lead me to her building when…

“Hey, Jongin, up for a drink?”

Chanyeol…

I sighed knowing there was no way I could escape this situation without having him taunting me. “You know I’m not of fan of these student gatherings…” I sighed, trying to escape his arms that were s around my neck. “Going home?” He asked. “Duh, obviously…” That’s when he grinned as if he had won some kind of a game. The headache was near, I knew it… “Well, you should know the parking lot is definitely not this way then…” Mischief was clear in his voice and I almost groaned. I side glared at him, expecting the worst. “Come on, who are you fetching?” he asked. That’s when Serenity came into view. I panicked, not sure what I should do with Chanyeol ready to annoy the heck out of me… and of her, probably. Our eyes met and she gave a small smile before looking back at her friends. I heard Chanyeol whistle beside me as he still was waving in her direction. “If I had expected this from you… a girl… and not just any girl. I would have pictured you with a nerd with huge glasses if I had to choose but…” I closed my eyes in exasperation. “What even? It’s my roommate and I was just considering giving her a ride back home” Chanyeol raised an eyebrow. “A ride back home? Wow now, I have missed an episode or two.” “Another time, okay? Have to see her, I’m sure you scared her off…” I sighed and he cooed in amazement. But before I could escape the living embarrassment my friend was, he stepped in front of me, asked me to wait and ran away… I stared, confused. Until I saw him nearing Serenity. And I groaned…

 

That’s how we ended up at a bar, Serenity in between Chanyeol and I. He looked fascinated by her. I’m not sure what the reason was. Was it her looks or because I changed my behaviour towards her? What was sure is that it was awkward as heck but Chanyeol tried his best at least to make her comfortable. I was somewhat thankful for that. Even if we would have certainly both preferred to go home instead of spending time with noisy and nosy Baekhyun, sassy Sehun and troll Chanyeol.

“It was easy to deal with her” he eventually said when we were about to leave. Serenity was talking with another girl in the meantime. “Was it?” I asked, pretending to be uninterested and fishing my hands in my front pockets. “Yep. You guys are the same… Incredibly awkward with too much social interactions… so I monopolised her most of the time” I rolled my eyes at this. “I noticed that” A sudden urge to slap myself rushed through my body and my palm really was about to meet my face in a huge slap. Did I really need to say that? Sigh… “Aww, jealous, aren’t we now?” I sighed exasperatedly at him and he laughed proudly. “Hey, at this time of the night, you have an excuse to drive her back home at least, right?”

True.

I made my way to the young woman and told her we were going back together. I was not giving her a choice but I still tried to sound nice. I knew about her bad temper after all and I didn’t want to feel bad if she had taken the bus at this time of the night. Who knows what could happen. Nor did I want to make her feel uncomfortable in front of everyone…

“I’m sorry about Chanyeol” I finally said once we were in the car. She shook her head. “Don’t, he is friendly and I could have said no anyway…” I laughed at this, shaking my head. “No you couldn’t have. Definitely not. He looked nice tonight but he is the devil” She shrugged. “Well he suits you then” This managed to draw a smile on my lips. I hesitated, feeling like pouting but I thought better. “I wonder, should I leave you here in the cold after all?” And as expected, her pride spoke and she said she was fine with it. I had to force her to stay in her seat and start the engine to stop her. “Stubborn” “Jerk” “Anytime, angel”