“When are you gonna be home?”

“We’ll be back before you know it. Sorry, Seungcheol, just wait for a little bit.”

Seungcheol groaned and leaned against the wall by his front door. “Okay, yeah, I’ll be here,” he replied into the phone. “Thanks.”

Jeonghan weakly grinned from the other side. “Remind me when I get home, we’ll start putting a spare key on the door frame or something.”

Seungcheol closed his eyes and sank to the floor. “Sounds good,” he gruffed.

“See you soon.”

“Bye.” Seungcheol silently hung up the phone and shoved it into his pocket. He sat on the dank, carpeted floor and waited in the hall. It wasn’t like him to forget his key, but then again, he wasn’t fully himself lately. It’d been a week since he saw Jihoon disappear behind the elevator. After that, he had immediately called Seungkwan.

“SEUNGKWAN!”

“WHAT?!”

“HE LOOKED AT ME! IT HAPPENED! HE LOOKED AT ME!”

“OH MY GOD, REALLY?! OH MY GOD! HYUNG!”

“WHAT DO I DO NOW?!” Seungcheol screamed.

“RIGHT!”

Then there was a pause.

“SEUNGKWAN!”

“I’M THINKING!” Seungcheol tried to contain himself on the other line. “Uhh, okay! Step one accomplished! Good job hyung!”

Seungcheol smacked his forehead, but couldn’t hold back his smile. “Yes! Thank you! WHAT’S STEP TWO?!”

“STEP TWO!” Seungkwan shouted. “I think...step two…”

“SEUNGKWAN!”

“STOP YELLING!”

Seungcheol took a deep breath. “Sorry.”

“Okay! Next step is…”

Seungcheol waited.

“...to talk to him.”

Talk to him. That’s all Seungcheol could think about. After establishing that that was the next step, Seungcheol tried even harder to get close to Jihoon. But days had gone by, and he never found the boy in the hall again. It wasn’t until he ran into Soonyoung that he heard Jihoon wasn’t staying at home, but at their other friends’ house. And Seungcheol was crushed. Just when he thought he was making progress, it turned out that he was driving Jihoon even further away. Seungkwan and his friends kept reassuring him that taking it slow was the right approach and that this would all work out if he was just patient. But he couldn’t help it. He was so devastated that it seemed like his plan would never work out. And that made him lose his mind, and, incidentally, forget his key.

“So dumb,” Seungcheol said aloud as he covered his face with his hands. Slumped against the wall, he groveled on the floor. Just sitting there gave him time to pity himself again, until a beautifully familiar voice broke his silence. “You okay, there?”

Seungcheol’s head shot up and his eyes grew wide from shock. “JIHOON!”

Jihoon stood above him with groceries in his hands. “You okay?”

But Seungcheol wasn’t okay. He was completely surprised and he wasn’t sure what to feel first. “Uhhh!” he blurted out as he shot to his feet.

Jihoon was just as uncomfortable as Seungcheol. He rubbed the back of his neck and turned to the front door of apartment 917A. “Are you locked out?”

“Uhh,” Seungcheol started, “Yeah. I…” He took a second to just stare at the side of Jihoon’s face. He was at a lost for words. Jihoon stood before him with his soft pink hair and smooth cheeks, but for some reason Seungcheol couldn’t fully read his face. There were no tear stains or any signs of blushing. He seemed...calm. Seungcheol couldn’t tell if that was a bad thing. “I forgot my key.”

“Oh,” Jihoon replied, gently nodding as he got out his own. “Sorry about that.”

“No, no,” Seungcheol stammered, forgetting how to properly use his tongue. “It’s obviously not your fault.”

Jihoon’s cheeks pinched inward as his mouth stretched out. “Right.”

For a moment, Seungcheol didn’t know what to do next. And neither did Jihoon. It was only yesterday that Jihoon decided it was time to come home and take that next step he had talked about with Junhui and Chan nights before. Soonyoung and Mingyu were ecstatic to have him back, even throwing him a ridiculously small “Welcome Home” party. But as much as he was glad to be home, he was still horribly afraid of taking that step, so much so that he didn’t even know if he had anymore emotions left to express that fear. So imagine his horror and uncertainty when he came home to find Seungcheol just sitting there at his front door. A part of Jihoon told him to run in the opposite direction, but he knew what he had to do: talk to him.

Jihoon awkwardly fiddled with his key until he sighed and started to put it in the lock. Seungcheol watched and waited to see if the boy would say anything else. He knew this was his moment to truly talk to him for the first time since Jihoon overheard that conversation...how many days ago? Seungcheol had lost track. But he wanted to see if Jihoon would possibly make the first attempt.

As Jihoon opened the door, he softly mumbled, “Do...do you want to come in?”

Seungcheol’s body sank. “Are you sure?” He had no idea why he would give Jihoon the option of retracting the offer he’d been waiting for for weeks, but he didn’t want to push him to do anything he wasn’t ready for.

Jihoon looked back at him and politely grinned, like you would to the mailman or a random person you passed on the sidewalk, with little true emotion. “Yeah. We should talk.”

Seungcheol gave a sigh of relief and nodded, trying his best to contain his excitement. “Thanks.”

The two of them walked inside and Jihoon locked the door behind him. Seungcheol watched the boy head into the kitchen. He placed the groceries on the counter and started putting them away without saying anything else. Seungcheol took a seat at one of the stools on the opposite side of the island and decided to just start talking. “So, how’ve you been?”

With his back turned, Jihoon chuckled a bit. “Not too great.” He glanced back and made eye contact with the reason why he wasn’t too great. “You?”

That answer made Seungcheol’s chest sting. “About the same,” he weakly replied, turning his head down. He was still beating around the bush. “When’d you come home?”

“Uhh, yesterday. Yeah, I was starting to run out of clothes and thought it was time to come back,” he replied, putting some stuff in the fridge.

Seungcheol slowly nodded. “I’m glad.”

Jihoon waited for Seungcheol’s next question, but it never came. He could tell the boy was uncomfortable, and why wouldn’t he be? Jihoon was freakishly uneasy and he was thankful that this was the one time in his life his face didn’t show it.

But that just made Seungcheol even more uneasy. Why doesn’t he look worried? Why doesn’t he look angry? Why doesn’t he look like...anything?

Jihoon hesitated when he realized that the small talk was over. He slowly finished putting away all the food and stuffed the bags in a drawer. Finally, he stretched out his arms and leaned over the counter to look at Seungcheol. And as he stared, Jihoon was expecting his heart rate to pick up and for sweat to form on his palms. He was expecting that rush of emotions he always got when he looked at Seungcheol, even the other day when he was running away. He was expecting some form of clarity to ease his confusion just by looking at him. But…

Jihoon didn’t want to think about that right now. “What…,” Jihoon started. His attention grabbed, Seungcheol’s head immediately shot up and their gazes met. Seungcheol’s eyes still looked concerned, while Jihoon’s were...normal.

“Yeah?”

“What...did you want to tell me the other day?” Jihoon asked.

Seungcheol paused. This was the moment he had been waiting for and he could feel his heart pick up. “I…” But he stopped. His chest was thumping as he realized he didn’t even know where to start.

Seeing his hesitation, Jihoon said, “You were trying to tell me something, weren’t you?”

“Right,” Seungcheol sighed. He still wasn’t sure the best way to start, so he just started, “That night, when you overheard me saying...all of those things…I—I really didn’t want you to find out. It wasn’t because I wanted to hide everything from you, it was because everything was so new with us. I needed to figure out all my issues to make sure I could…” He looked to Jihoon as he tried to find the right words. “...move forward...with you.”

Jihoon listened, and as he did, his eyes fell to the counter. He just focused on Seungcheol’s words. “And your ‘issue’ was that...you were in love with Jeonghan.”

Seungcheol closed his eyes and leaned on his forearms. “That was part of it.”

“Part of it?”

Slowly exhaling, Seungcheol cautiously continued, trying to make sure he was going slow enough that he wouldn’t say anything stupid, “Part of the problem was that I loved Jeonghan. I mean you heard what I said, I...was in love with him for...a really long time.” Just hearing him say it again made Jihoon ache. But he kept listening. “But things didn’t work out and he’s with Jisoo. So, we live together because...we’re friends and that’s what friends do.”

“But that’s not what you thought when you moved in.”

Seungcheol sighed. “No.”

Jihoon nodded. Even though his face didn’t show it, he was starting to hurt like he did when he first learned all of this. “You wanted to win him over.”

Seungcheol was almost startled at how steady Jihoon’s voice was, but he kept going. “At first. But then…”

Jihoon looked back at him. “...you met me.”

Seungcheol smiled from the corner of his mouth. “I met you.”

For a moment, they just stared into each other’s eyes. Jihoon could see the gloss forming over Seungcheol’s. Jihoon could see his subtle joy from just talking to him as well as the slight worry from the entire situation. It was comforting, but again, Jihoon thought that seeing that would make him feel that bolt of...anything. Whether it was excitement, rage, sadness, or even hatred, he was expecting to feel more than he was. All he felt was confused. He stared deeper into Seungcheol’s eyes, hoping to find that something that would invoke that key emotion.

And Seungcheol was searching, too. As he looked into Jihoon’s eyes, he saw nothing. There was no excitement, no rage, no sadness, not even hatred. Seungcheol was expecting...something, and it just made him more concerned. Seungcheol thought that he would see the same emotional Jihoon he had glanced at in the elevator a week ago, but that wasn’t the case. He stared deeper into Jihoon’s eyes, hoping to find any sort of indication that he was the same person.

“I met you, Jihoon,” Seungcheol finally continued, “And this is the part you didn’t hear.” Before going on, he took one last second to see if that spark ignited in Jihoon. It didn’t. He spoke softly and slowly, “I...met you...and started forgetting about Jeonghan. Every time I was with you, Jeonghan disappeared from my mind. You were all I thought about...and that scared me. I thought it was insane that I could move on from Jeonghan so quickly when I thought I felt so much for him, but you did that to me. You made me feel so happy and Jeonghan just made me feel so hurt, and it freaked me out. So I got help from my friends and I told them everything, the good, the bad, the ugly. All of it was out there.” He sighed and dropped his eyebrows. “And I’m so sorry that you had to hear all of it. Because I promise you I...I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Jihoon listened intensely and his brain was hard at work processing all of that missing information. “Is that everything?” he asked.

But again, Seungcheol was taken aback. He spoke so flatly, so unlike himself. Jihoon was a boy who wore his emotions on his sleeves and now, when he was hearing the rest of the conversation that made him run away, he didn’t seem to express anything.

And that made Seungcheol’s brain go off. Is that everything? No, of course it wasn’t! Seungcheol mentioned how great Jihoon made him feel and how that changed his perception of Jeonghan, but he very cautiously chose to leave out the part that he was falling in love with him. “Baby steps,” Seungcheol heard Seungkwan say in his head. He needed to take it slow and nothing was faster than confessing his love. If just looking at Jihoon made him temporarily move out of his own home, what would a confession do to him? And based on Seungcheol’s prior experience, his confessions never ended well. He wanted to be with Jihoon more than anything, but he knew the next step was just to talk to him exactly like this.

But as he looked at Jihoon’s face, Seungcheol couldn’t help but panic. It was empty. Is that everything? Why was that all he had to say? Why didn’t Jihoon look like he cared more? Why was Jihoon being so distant? How was Jihoon being so distant?

“Baby steps,” Seungcheol thought again. But Jihoon’s blank face was just staring at him. And that thought was replaced. “ that.”

“I’m falling for you, Jihoon,” Seungcheol blurted out, not even thinking anymore. “No, that isn’t everything because I. Am. Falling. For. You. And...I want to be with you! And the reason I didn’t know if I wanted to be with Jeonghan was because you just so quickly and so easily took all of my heart and—and—and I didn’t know what to do!” He became hysterical and hopped down from his seat, leaning his hands on the counter. “Everything I ever felt for Jeonghan just MAGICALLY disappeared when I was with you and that scared the crap out of me! How was I supposed to accept that my love of six years just evaporated after meeting you?! Jeonghan was the person I thought I was meant to be with and I was prepared to fight for him until he took me. But you! YOU made that all go away! It was like a punch in the face when I first met you! My whole idea of love was put on the line and I was so ing scared! It was all too much and I was so terrified, but I freakin’ knew that it was happening. And it’s still happening! Because I’m falling in love with you, Jihoon!”

Seungcheol had to catch his breath, but the second he stopped talking, regret washed over. The whole time, he was looking right at Jihoon, waiting for that critical response from his confession. But still, there was nothing. His face didn’t change. He barely even flinched. Seungcheol felt his voice start to shake as all confidence flew out the window. “Jihoon...I...didn’t mean to…” But he couldn’t even finish his statement. Seemingly exhausted, he slumped back onto the chair and buried his face into his hands, feeling that he had just screwed everything up.

Jihoon didn’t budge. The whole time he was listening to every word that Seungcheol said, he was waiting for his own response. As he heard everything, he wanted to be shocked that Seungcheol felt that way about him. He wanted to be freaked out that Seungcheol had just frantically admitted all of that. He wanted to be happy that Seungcheol felt the same way he used to. He wanted anything.

But there was nothing. He didn’t feel shocked. He didn’t feel freaked out. He didn’t feel happy. He didn’t feel anything. And as he registered his own lack of emotions, he was no longer confused. Chan was right. He had been saying, “I don’t know,” for weeks. Now that he finally had all the information, his mind knew what had to be done.

“Do you know how many days it’s been since I first heard you through that door?”

Seungcheol’s head shot up. “Jihoon.”

Seeing the boy’s flushed face, Jihoon just raised his eyebrows at him. “Do you know how many days?”

Thrown off by the question, Seungcheol stammered, “I—No, I—I lost track after—No, I don’t.”

Jihoon curled his lips in and nodded. “It’s been 17 days.”

Seungcheol’s heart dropped and his eyes grew wide. “No, that can’t be—”

“I’ve been counting,” Jihoon said with a weak grin. And for the first time in their encounter, Seungcheol saw something in Jihoon’s eyes: a splash of pink and a thin layer of water.

“Jihoon…”

But Jihoon kept going, “17 days ago...you made me hurt more than anyone ever had.” Seungcheol could feel his body give out. “I locked myself away because I thought you were in love with someone else. And now that I think about it, it’s almost insane how much power you had over me because…” Jihoon scoffed and shook his head, “...I was hurting soooo bad.”

“Jihoon…”

“I was so hurt...because I also thought I was falling...for you.”

“Jihoon…”

But Jihoon kept going, now with a slight quiver in his tone. “But days would go by, and I would just keep hurting because, I guess, that’s what love does to you. And at first, I was more upset than anything. I couldn’t even hate on you yet because...how can you hate someone you thought you wanted to be with?”

Seungcheol felt like he was being tortured.

“And then you tried to talk to me...and it felt like I was getting crushed all over again. And I just didn’t want to see you, so I had to rearrange my whole schedule to get away and avoid you. I thought that would work for however long…until you caught me in the hallway.”

“Jihoon, I’m…”

“I had never run so hard in my life. I had never wanted to get away from someone so badly, ever. I was still so hurt that I wanted nothing more than to not see your face. But I did. I saw your ing sad looking face in the crack of those elevator doors and it made me lose it! You made me so beyond confused that I resented myself because…”

Jihoon stopped to catch his breath and looked down at the ground. “...because there was always a small part of me that wanted to forgive you. Deep down, I wanted to be able to get past this so we could have a future. So I went to my friend’s place and stayed there and basically evaluated what could happen between us. I even had this stupid ‘baby steps’ plan that started with me talking to you today.” He glanced up into Seungcheol’s eyes. “I was so confused on what to do with us and I thought that...if I saw you and if I talked to you, my heart would tell me what to do…”

Jihoon’s voice trailed off. Seungcheol was on the edge of his seat, so afraid of where this was going, because Jihoon’s face definitely didn’t give him any indication. He hesitated, but Seungcheol gently asked, “And...do you know what to do?”

Jihoon closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip as he nodded. “Yeah.” He took a deep breath before looking back at Seungcheol, a tear escaping the corner of his lids. “I need to move on.”

And Seungcheol’s heart shattered. “Jihoon-ah!”

Jihoon started to softly cry, trying to keep himself from losing it completely. He was finally feeling an emotion, and it hurt him that this was the one that gave him absolute clarity. “I thought...that you would make me feel something once you told me everything. I thought that that emotion would guide me in either forgiving you, or yelling at you, or wanting to be with you again. And that would be the next step.” Jihoon choked on his words as he chuckled into his chest, annoyed at how ridiculous what was happening inside of him felt. “But as you were telling me everything, even as you confessed…I felt nothing.”

Seungcheol was now in tears. His heart was in a million pieces and he had no idea what was happening. As Jihoon spoke, he could hear the words, but it was almost too much for him to even comprehend. He jumped down from his seat and frantically yelled again, “JIHOON-AH! DON’T SAY THAT!”

“I felt nothing, Seungcheol,” Jihoon whispered. Seungcheol’s jaw hung open as his chest kept rising and falling. “And I need to move on.”

It still wouldn’t register, but Seungcheol was beyond frantic. “NO! JIHOON-AH!” Seungcheol ran around the counter to stand right next to Jihoon, squatting down a bit to look him in the eyes. “You can’t seriously be saying that right now! You just said that there was a part of you that wanted to forgive me!”

“That’s what I thought…”

“NO!” Seungcheol screamed. Afraid beyond belief, Seungcheol grabbed Jihoon by the shoulders and desperately stared into his pink eyes. “PLEASE, JIHOON-AH! YOU CAN’T SAY THAT!” But even though they held tears, Seungcheol still saw nothing in Jihoon’s gaze.

Jihoon turned away. “We shouldn’t do this anymore...”

“JIHOON-AH!” he yelled, pain ringing in his throat as he shook the boy who refused to return his love.

“I need to move on, Seungcheol…”

“NO! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT AFTER 17 DAYS OF WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT?! WE CAN WORK IT OUT! DON’T WALK AWAY FROM THIS!”

“You moved on after six years of loving the same person. 17 days is nothing. You should know more than anyone how easy it is to move on.”

For a moment, Seungcheol’s distraught consumed his body and his face. The truth in Jihoon’s words made Seungcheol want to crumble. He held his breath as he waited for Jihoon to say more.

Jihoon sighed and turned back to face Seungcheol for what he hoped would be the last time. As he was being held, Jihoon stared up at Seungcheol’s broken expression. He desperately tried to find something inside of him that would make him change his mind. He wanted to not walk away. But nothing in his heart told him to stay.

“You should go.”

And that’s all Seungcheol could take. His heart was so broken that he couldn’t even fight anymore. He took one last good look at Jihoon’s empty face. Seungcheol immediately released his grip and turned away. Without another word of protest, he rushed to the door, walked out, and slammed it behind him.

Jihoon closed his eyes and dropped to the floor and cried a little harder. He knew this was the right choice, but it still hurt. Just not enough hurt to fight for Seungcheol.

Out in the hall, Seungcheol didn’t know what to do with himself. He was enraged and heartbroken and crushed and devastated and utterly and completely hurt. It was almost unreal how horrible this all turned out, so much so that Seungcheol felt lost. He was panting incredibly fast and crying through his anger. He ruined everything. He threw 17 days worth of waiting and planning down the drain. He screwed with his own baby steps when he confessed. He failed to get any sort of emotional response from Jihoon, a boy who he loved for being a ball of emotions. And now...it was over. There were no more days. There was no more plan. There was no more Jihoon. Jihoon was moving on.

Broken and hysterical, Seungcheol turned to his own front door. Reading the apartment number, 917A, he lost it. Seungcheol leaned against the door and smashed his fist right on the 17. Through his tears, Seungcheol shut his eyes and tried to lower his voice as he cried, “Why did it have to be 17?!”