Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

But that’s alright because I love the way you lie

- -

Human being is a very weird creature, constructed in a very complicated, but logical way. Everything in human organism has its place and function, to make one consistent entirety together. Although, one organ inconveniences us more than learning anatomy and genetics. Brain.

Brain - responsible for plenty of functions of our organism; thanks to it we can move, feel pain, think and feel.

Feelings. We can group them as good ones and bad ones. Good feeling cause us to function better, way better, our body generates hormones adequate to level of our contentment. Some of those feelings can even give us faster heart-beat, slight shivers, absent-mindedness, feeling so-called ‘butterflies in stomach’. On the other hand bad feelings influence us the other way round. Along with sadness our body is getting weaker, we’re becoming depressed, we feel like we are worthless. Along with anger, neurosis catches up with us, every single detail causes us to throw tantrum. Often it’s hard for us to control all these feelings. Mostly they’re outweighing our senses, we can find irrational lacks in our logic, way of thinking, just nobody knows why all of sudden we got lacks in it.

I’m not an ordinary person, I think. I didn’t bag any huge discovery nor did I change humanity’s fate by eliminating their stupidity, but still I work hard for my own life.

At the very least it was like it so far.

I’m only twenty three years old and whole life before me, but I ain’t got time for myself already. Since two years I’m a photographer. Thanks to my passion that photography is, I was able to make it my job.

At the very least it was like it so far.

My name is Kim Hyuna. I had to come into my own when I was only fifteen years old, right after my parents died in tragic accident. They were coming back from business meeting, while big- truck smashed them into the tree. Driver had much alcohol in his blood, he drove upstream. My dad died right away, on the place of accident, mom fought for her life for next six months. Although it was pointless fight, nobody gave her more than five percent of chances to live. Nobody tried to help her.

Nobody.

I was working illegal as a waitress at sleazy bar, where inside could be found half- strippers, showing their bodies to men. Disgusting it was. I had to reconcile school and work. But when I was close to psychical comedown, as well from emotions’ spate as from being tired, I met mt Savior.

Jeon Jiyoon.

The way we have met is same as for everyone. Because she’s two years older, I never supposed to become friends with her. I wasn’t mixing with any older people here. She fast-talked to me just like that, one day in school. I exactly remember what did she ask me about. I was sitting on the bench alone, I didn’t want to talk with anyone. But God sent me an angel in that moment, who asked me ‘Why are you so lonely today?’. My eyes almost popped out when I realized absolutely stranger for me, is worried about my person. Of course I didn’t want to spit any word out on the subject of my situation, about my ‘life fatality’.

Jiyoon didn’t put pressure on me, nor she stopped asking how am I every single day. She always did find a way to bring smile onmy face.

A smile, that whole world couldn’t see for such a ling time. Smile, that was convincing me myself that nothing’s lost. That my life is just on its start. My heartsickness turned out to be typical overstatement of past happenings, too much of responsibility - as for my age. If it wasn’t enough, I had to keep up appearances, just to not let civil services know that I live alone, other way they could put me in orphanage.

Nobody could know, that I live alone.

Nobody.

- -

Lazily, I uncurled myself waiting till my vision will sharpen. Involuntarily I looked at digital watch, standing on the bureau. I sighed when its screen showed 1AM. Jiyoon is still not at home. Her phone was left here, idly laying on the table in dining room. Sweeping my hair away from my face, I stood up to move towards the bathroom. I only placed my foot beyond threshold as I heard sound of front door being open. It scared me to the point that I placed hand upon my chest, as if heart would jump out in a second. My eyes didn’t saw anyone, but Jiyoon. I sighed in relief, but even relief didn’t stay with me for long.

When she only closed the door and started to take off her shoes, I could smell strong scent of alcohol.

She is drunk.

The moment I directed a glance at her, I regret it. Her eyes were able to burn my head, make little hole between my eyes. Automatically I embraced myself with my arms, taking step back at the same time.

‘Hi, darlin’ Jiyoon gave me sarcastic smile. Literally one second later she was already standing only two steps away from me, her face full of anger. In a way if painter hated his art all of sudden and poured red paint on it.

‘You’re drunk. Again’ I whispered, because of fear I took few more steps back until I felt my back touching cold wall.

‘And you were with HIM again’ I shivered. I couldn’t take control over my fear.

Matthew, short blond at my age, who I’ve met at cafe two blocks away from our house. He always greeted me with his shining smile, showing of white teeth. When I’ve lost my job, he decided to help me at any cost and try to do something in this direction. They cause of losing my job were increasing problems in our relationship with Jiyoon. I couldn’t focus on anything, notoriously I was late at work. Although Matthew still had a lot of hope for me. Since that moment, we walk around the city together right after he finish his work, just to find a job for me. Crisis has come to our town, companies’ owners cut costs, demand for workers has fell. Nay, now thy even fire workers en masse.

There’s one more problem. Jiyoon has plenty of friends here. Whatever did I do, she knew about it. What’s make matters worse is that this became her sick obsession. My girlfriend couldn’t control her jealousy, she became a hothead. Anger became ungovernable, taking control over her feeling, which will lead both of us six feet under soon.

‘You know well that Matthew helps me find a job, just to not make you the only one person earning money in this home. We barely make ends meet’ I tried to explain myself. I lurched feeling her breath on my face. I couldn’t move. Her hand was on my face after a while, enfolding it with fingers. I bravely tried no to break eye contact.

‘If you weren’t only typical trash, you could find it alone. Without me you’re nothing’ she laughed darkly, her gaze drunk with hate, body with alcohol.

‘That’s enough’ I accumulated strength to say it and finally murmured coldly. ‘Go to sleep’ I commanded.

For my surprise she listened. After a while, she stepped back and went to the bedroom. Then, I just slowly placed myself onto the couch I was previously laying on, hugged my blanket and tried to get some sleep. Unsuccessfully. Every time I closed my eyes I saw sight of drunk Jiyoon, in my head words that I hear every evening ringing.

‘You’re a trash.’

‘You’re nothing.’

‘You again were with HIM.’

- -

Life isn’t about dividing and featuring colors. It’s only/that about collapsing them into symmetric rainbow, not amorphous struggle of colors. Black and white color connote with pessimism. And pessimism philosophy is simple - life is a band of agony. Person looking for happiness will never reach it. Only death can be our life’s end. Going by logical line of thoughts, we can assume that pessimists feel helpless towards current situation in their life, it overhelms them, so the easiest way to escape is death. And behind its gate - there’s nothing. Any other colorful colors are connoted with optimism. Yet, optimism has plenty of negative sides either. 

Humans counting only on themselves, caring only about their own optimism, started to divide others into two basic groups - subhumans and superhumans. The second ones can everything - they aren’t a subject of moral law. They’re strong psychologically dominate over the weakest. In short, natural selection - the weakest die.

If I have to compare it all to my personal situation, Jiyoon is superhuman and I am subhuman, partly also decadent. We both are closed in couple of neo-romanticism. Yet, we don’t have any imagery. Eventually we are both realists. Though even here, there is one small detail. I take things as they are - if the tree is green and stands with roots down - it’s just how it has to be. But Jiyoon is naturalist - things are as they are, but every single detail is playing important role - tree can be green, but she will find that once, only one leaf that is ill which is disturbing whole concept.

Next ‘but’. Nobody’s perfect.

But I still love the way she lies.

- -

Smell of crisply perked coffee has waken me up from deep sleep. I furrowed my eyebrows, thinking where it came from. While after I sat, pair of hands covered my eyes. My heart skipped a beat for a moment and I felt breathless when somebody’s lips kissed back of my head. Few seconds later lightness set in and I turned my head around to face Jiyoon. Hesitantly she smiled at me and this time she placed a kiss on my lips. I wasn’t able to kiss her back, happenings from previous nights replayed in my head like a broken record. Jiyoon seemed to be concerned, so she sat next to me.

‘Everything’s alright?’ she held my hands. I hesitated, but quickly managed to slap her hands away.

What a stupid question it is.

‘Guess’ I hissed coldly. The latter heaved a sigh and I noticed how her expression turned into pallet of sadness and guilt.

I regret that I looked at her.

Because her next actions caused my feelings of safety and being loved to come back.

Jiyoon got closer to me, as close that only few millimeters separated us. Slowly and gently she embraced me and hugged my head to her shoulder. One second was enough for her scent to fill my nostrils. Scent that soothes me. Scent that in conjunction with sound of her calm breath soothes even the most jagged nerves. Yet she placed one, tender kiss on my forehead.

‘I’m sorry’ only those words.

Only those words made me wanna cry.

Only those words made me hide face in her neck and believe that from now - everything’s gonna be alright.

Even though those words were only next lies.

But I love the way she lies.

We remained in this position for couple more minutes. I was the first one to pull away. I smiled slightly, then stood up and took her hands. I helped my girlfriend to stand up from the couch, so we could walk together towards the kitchen.

Eventually we will be happy.

Lie.

She apologized. She’ll change. For one hundred percent.

Liar.

There are always gonna be fights, but after all there comes compromise and we can be happy.

Only lies.

- -

Week has passed. Full of peace and freedom week. Every evening our living room was filled with laughter and love. There couldn’t be found screaming and crashing of things being threw anymore. There wasn’t any sound of door being shut and glass being smashed. Finally crisis of our relationship was gone, everything looks so simple now. Finally I am able to fall asleep in her arms, enjoying her warmth. Enjoy every single touch and also slide hands under her shirt on the sly, just to draw invisible marks on her soft skin with my fingers. Last night we even recalled this day.

 

When we went out from school, sun welcomed us and along with it - immense hear causing us to swear abnormally. As much as I love heat, how I want to kick that ’ now.

 

‘What about going to ice-cream parlor?’ Jiyoon asked wearing wide grin on her face. In a full sunlight she seemed to be even more beautiful. Her black hair reaching her arms, slightly shined at the same time being a contrast to her light complexion. Caramel eyes glancing at me happily, increasing amount of endorphin in blood. I quickly nodded.

 

In the park, sun rays forced its way through tree’s leaves, not allowing shadow to protect us from burning. We walked along the path in home’s direction. Even if the evening was close, it was still so bright outside. Our ‘trip’ for ice-cream was successful, at least for Jiyoon. I was a well-known clumsy person with two left hands, in the middle of eating I just suddenly dropped my ice-cream. While I was standing there speechless with my hand remaining the holding-something position, Jiyoon burst into uncontrolled laughter, drawing people’s attention. I acted offended, so she decided to play along and said nothing. But it wasn’t awkward silence. Actually, we both enjoyed it. Touch of somebody’s hand interweaving our fingers snapped me out from my thoughts. I looked up just to look into the same bright and full of warmth eyes. Her touch caused me chills, heart beating bit faster.

 

‘If you don’t let go of my hand, I will tell you one secret’ Jiyoon whispered enough loud for me to hear. I giggled quietly. I didn’t want to let go of her hand anyway.

 

‘Hm... Okay then, let it be, deal’ my lips formed into smirk. The latter dragged me towards place looking alike something similar to glade. There wasn’t any people around, so we felt free.

 

‘So what is that secret?’ I gave her sweet smile of mine, placing chin on my hand which was resting on my knee. Jiyoon took a deep breath and looked somewhere else. Following her gaze I waited till she say something.

 

‘You asked me not only once, how did I know you’re lonely... Well, lonely people always know what to do during rainy days. And I saw you plenty times near my house, walking around and getting soaked by the rain. I’m glad you told me about your current situation. Because I think that the worst is, when a secret stays unspoken, not because there’s no audience, cause many people would listen to you, but because of no understanding. Nobody could ever dream that our life can give us such a big pain, although physically it doesn’t hurt. My advice? World is a difficult place. It doesn’t hate you and me, it doesn’t love us either. There are happening horrible things, that we can’t explain. World doesn’t love you. But remember to do your thing. It’s your mission on this world, you have to keep your love and do your thing no matter what.’

 

Jiyoon always had her way of speaking wisely, but this time she took every word from my mind that I could say.

 

‘And even if world doesn’t love you, there are people that do. Those people will burn for you in fire’ in this moment she caressed my face. I froze. Her face stopped few milliliters away from mine. I felt her hot breath on my lips, gentle touch of her fingertips on my skin. I wanted to melt down.

 

‘Would you burn for me?’

- -

Now I was looking into the same caramel eyes. But they weren’t the same bright and full of warmth eyes. The ones I looked into were filled with hate. Have you ever loved somebody so much, that you could barely breathe? When you’re with them, you meet and neither of you don’t know what brings you towards each other. You got that fuzzy feeling.

‘Stop it!’

‘No, you’re cheating on me!’

‘You know that I’m not, I explained-’

‘Shut up, !’

‘I got enough, I’m leaving you!’

Sound of slap. Sound of slap echoed in our house. Skin on my cheek started turning red and it really prickled as hell. Few teardrops falling down my cheeks soothed pain for a while, only to make me feel it then times stronger two seconds later.

She doesn’t know her own strength.

‘I got this job!’ I screamed loudly from excitement. Quickly I ran down the stairs and hugged Matthew tightly. I was really thankful. Whole three months he walked with me through the whole town to find me a job. Finally I’ll be able to stop being a freeloader and help my girlfriend with paying rent. It was next great news. Our relationship finally was repaired, now I got a job. Matthew decided to celebrate it with me and took me to cafe. We spent there and hour and after it, he promised to walk me home. We both were excited. Full of enthusiasm, Mathew put his arm around me in a friendly way.

 

I didn’t know that someone saw us through the window, misunderstanding our gestures. Boy said goodbye to me hugging me tightly and kissing my cheek. It wasn’t anything sinful, shameful or wrong. Normal showing happiness even if it really shouldn’t happen. But we are not living in Korea anymore, here it’s normal. And then, after I entered home, hell started.

We spat venomous words toward each other. I was pushed on the wall, I repaid with scratching her face. She pulled me by my hair - I screamed loud begging her to stop. I lost my strength to shout, struggling - I was loosing energy for this. I got mark of drunk aggression on my face, really visible one. We got lost in this moment. Anger clouded our minds. Neither of words could help.

Finally I managed to go to the bedroom and started packing my things. Our tempers are both bad. And if it’s about love, it has blinded me maybe? Sometimes we think we saw the bottom of human’s stupidity well, then we meet someone, who let us know the well has no bottom. Love doesn’t fall from faucet, we can’t turn it on and off whenever we want. Yet the weirdest love is better than none of it. But our love is toxic and we have to get rid of toxins.

‘Baby, please stop packing, please!’ Jiyoon was desperate, she tried to take my hand, but I slapped hers. ‘Baby, please.’

I continued packing, bag was filled till its edges with clothes threw in a careless way. I had to adjust my hair, strands of it still covering my face.

‘It’s not your fault, it’s me. I know he means nothing to you. Please, leave this things’

I didn’t listen. I have to get out of here. Quick.

Turning me around by my hand was the move compelling me to stop packing. To hell with you, Jeon.

‘Look me in the eyes.’

And I did. It was a mistake. Maybe if I didn’t, I would manage to run away.

Because when I looked at her, time seemed to turn back and I saw a person I met in school. The same person who told me to not lose hope and keep my love.

‘Next time I’ll hit the wall when I’m angry. No, next time I won’t get drunk first’ she brushed my red cheek with thumb as she wanted to heal it immediately.

Jiyoon apologizes even though it’s all lies. But I love her.

I love the way she lies.

- -

Black-haired girl soon fell asleep in our bed. We cried, made some promises, from now on we had to start a whole new chapter. I got nobody to ask for advice. Best friends come and go like a waitresses. I don’t understand myself, I don’t understand this situation I’m in, why am I still here? But when we say ‘I don’t understand’, God says ‘I don’t care about that’.

Faith of innocent people is the biggest gift for liar. I tried to be good for her, showed her my gratitude. I cared about her cheered her up in the worst moments. Any good act won’t be left without punishment.

Past should be just a past. But first we have to close the gate before past step in to next chapter. We live to fight for one more day. But I got enough of fighting. I can’t force luck to conduce me. I’ll kill past with love. Our love.

I got out from hose silently. Thank God Jiyoon left garage keys on top of cabinet. I opened the garage not making a sound. I knew she placed here a canister with petrol, she doesn’t like going often to petrol station, so she always takes one in the case. Noticing red thing, I took it by handle and placed in the house. I turned back to close the garage, the came inside our house.

What actually I am gonna do?

Suddenly I felt hate toward my own partner. You ty, drunk maggot. God blowed his nose and you were the snot. 

World is a difficult place. It doesn’t care. So do I. Every matter has to finally wear out. Dreams die and get lost in depths of time, it’s one of bitter truths about life. Lonely people always know what to do during rainy days. Lonely. Yes, it’s the crucial word, the ugliest word in the whole dictionary. This time I also feel lonely. Crime sounds beside this word innocent and hell, which is here is only distant, soft association. Love has teeth that bite, wounds will never heal.

I removed the top of canister. Inside there were only four liters of petrol. But it’s enough. Doubts got over me. Shouldn’t I just run away? Take my things and ease out? Stop it, Hyuna. Are you a coward?  Running away from problem won’t fix it. Life is really a copy of art. The more it’s primitive, the better imitation it becomes.

Starting from the wall on bed’s side where Jiyoon was sleeping, little by little I poured petrol on the floor. Wanting to be unheard, I slowly walked step by step backwards. All the time glancing on her, to check if she’s still asleep, if she for sure sleeps deep, I continued my action. Pouring all the petrol out of canister on the other corner of room, I sighed heavily. There are happening horrible things, that we can’t explain. World is dirty, the longer people are swirling in it, the more they get soaked with dirt.

I reached for black lighter from my pocket. Do I really want...

‘Would you burn with me?’

This question continued to replayed in my mind like a broken record. This was the way she confessed her love for me. She didn’t say ‘I would burn for you’. She didn’t want to show her side of being a liar yet. She asked if I would burn with her. Asked if I love her as much as she loves her own lies.

And I love the way she lies.

There was no time to think. There was no time for doubts. Until I was confident about what I am doing, quickly went I to the bathroom. Throwing every next medicine found behind me, finally I found it - strong sleeping pills. They’re here because I had serious problems with insomnia a year ago. Sometimes three to four hours of sleep were enough for me. In our dreams we can’t feel pain. We always wake up before real suffering comes.

Taking double dose, I comfortably lied on the bed. I was waiting for the moment when I fall asleep will come. I believe it’ll be alright. Now it’s the hardest part, but then it’ll be alright. It’s all settled. You can’t put toothpaste back into the tube, right?

Sleep slowly started to take over me. I lighted my lighter. It’s locked, so it won’t go out before I close the cover of it. Without hesitate, I threw it on the floor and it started to burn. I hugged back of my girlfriend, waiting for deep sleep to come. The temperature in the bedroom was getting higher incredibly fast. Without me you’re nothing. If it was different, I could leave her. At least for once she didn’t lie. World doesn’t love you. It doesn’t love us.

And even if world doesn’t love you, there are people that do. But people tend to complicate their life if it wasn’t complicated enough itself. Real hate is a gift that human learn for years. I am able to say that last lesson about hate was given to me today. I am only a creature of my own unawareness.

But now I’m smiling. House starts to burn. I fall asleep, finally. We won’t feel a thing. We will go to a better place.

‘I love you’ with those words imprisoned in my throat, pills took me to the paradise of dreams. With those words I started to burn.

I burnt with her.

- -

‘Would you burn with me?’

‘Yes.’