Seulgi (Summer, 1999)

That summer passed by with the hot sun on their skin and salty seawater on their lips, moments spent together like the ones they used to have, despite always knowing that they would officially come to an end. Seulgi still had no idea what they were doing anymore, and the more she thought of it the less it made sense. They weren’t friends, yet they weren’t lovers. If someone asked Seulgi if she was single, she would have said no, but if the same person asked whom she was seeing, she wouldn’t reply. Nothing made any more sense than before. When they went to school they were their usual selves; they’d gotten closer, gotten back to that best friend habit, yet they weren’t openly “together”. Sure, sometimes she let Joohyun hug her when she was clingy in the halls, and sometimes when no one was around in the gym-lockers they’d kiss. Still, they weren’t open about it; they didn’t even talk about it. It wasn’t actually something they decided, they just weren’t.

The moment summer holidays rolled along and school was done, Seulgi wondered if they ever would be together in public. They hadn’t much time, because in September Joohyun would officially be going back to Seoul and who knew when they’d meet again. Everything in theory was complicated, and nothing made sense no matter how much she tried to make it comprehensible. It was one of those mornings after Joohyun spent the night, when Seulgi came to think of it yet again. Both of them were just looking at the ceiling, the swaying curtains paying a visit to their vision line every once and a while. The hot air seeped through the slightly open window, and with it came the late summer woes, with the realization that one day they’d no longer really be… “You’re awfully quiet,” Joohyun shared then, awakening Seulgi from her thoughts. Her legs were draped over Seulgi’s, but her hands were busy with her own sketchbook, and for a moment everything just seemed so right. It made her think, that for a while, something like this wouldn’t actually pain her. She never had anything against love; not really, she just hated all the trouble around it. Especially their kind of love.

It took another moment, and Seulgi had to look away from the vision that seemed too good to be real. “It’s nothing,” she sort of lied, but she had no idea to her own quietness. She didn’t have anything else to say, as her eyes gazed upon the calendar hanging on the wall. Her lips let out a sigh then as she looked at the date, one day closer. “It’s the last day of August,” Seulgi shared then, as her gaze went back to Joohyun who was still working on something, her warmth seeping through the already hot weather, yet it wasn’t uncomfortable.

Joohyun nodded absentmindedly. “I know,” she replied curtly, her eyes not leaving the paper at all, and Seulgi wondered what she was drawing, but Joohyun wouldn’t show her. “It’s for you to wonder and for me to know,” she had said earlier, making Seulgi roll her eyes, but she didn’t bother arguing. That was the last thing she wanted with their limited time, so she played along, and for once she felt happy. It took another while and a new breeze, with the outside decorations clinging together, before they started a new conversation. “You know,” Joohyun began with the pencil lazily in her hand as she momentarily stopped sketching. “My mother thought of setting me up with her friend’s son,” she paused to think before pretending to have an “eureka” moment.  Seulgi asked who it was, although she didn’t care too much because she knew Joohyun was messing with her. After so many years, she knew that much about her. “Think his name’s Minho something, from a very rich family, plans on studying medicine,” she replied and Seulgi only rolled her eyes.

She played along however, pretending to be jealous while sneakingly placing a kiss on Joohyun’s neck. The action made her squirm, because she was sensitive there, and it made Seulgi chuckle. “Too bad, he’s probably not nearly as hot as I am,” she replied, and looked up to see Joohyun laugh a bit as well.

“Well, he does look very handsome,” Joohyun replied before placing the pencil on top of her now closed book. Her hair was let loose, tangled from sleep and not being brushed, falling over her wrinkled t-shirt, stopping by her thighs. Seulgi laughed once more, moving her lips up towards her face until she kissed Joohyun square on the mouth, and the other girl let out a surprised sound in the progress, yet wrapped her thin arms around Seulgi. They actually hadn’t gotten intimate at all the while they got back together; it took them three weeks before they even kissed. Mostly because Seulgi had no idea how Joohyun wanted this to be, but also because they’ve just taken things casually. And Seulgi honestly missed that for a while, just having somebody to talk to about nothing and everything.

Well this time it didn’t seem like they were going to do much talking, although like everything else she had no idea on where this was going. She just liked the feeling again, the happiness swelling in her heart no matter how stupid it sounded, and the familiar yet adrenaline-like feeling coursing through her body. It made her stomach want to explode, and her lungs weren’t breathing as normally as they should, but it felt too good. A while had gone with a t-shirt off here and a pair of shorts there, but then it came down to it all. For a while it almost felt like the first time; a lot of uncertainty, clumsy hands and just general nervousness, yet playful and funny in a way. It had been so long since they’ve ever been that close, and she just wanted to savor it for as long as she could. Who knew when the next time would be?

Joohyun stopped her momentarily, trembling hands on Seulgi’s own shaking wrists, something in her eyes way different from before. She just looked into her eyes, wide and nervous and anticipated and fragile all at once. For something so fragile, however, there was this raw strength that made Seulgi nearly lose her grip, although she didn’t know exactly why, and they just looked at each other for the longest time. Slowly, Joohyun swallowed, and what she wanted to say was all in her eyes. Three words hidden there, masked in her delicate features and face, and it screamed of something so beautiful and sad at the same time with the summer sun shining upon her skin. It almost made Seulgi want to cry, although she wouldn’t have an explanation for her tears.

So she didn’t let out a single tear, that would be embarrassing anyway, and when Joohyun simply nodded it came down to that same feeling she hadn’t experienced in so long. Basking in the heat of both the weather and each other, Seulgi was sure that was a moment she wouldn’t forget, burned in the back of her mind like a recorded video.  Of course it was a bit unusual at first, time had separated them for a while, and it took some reassuring, but it was still good. Great maybe, at least for her, summer sweat layering around their bodies, only a sheer blanket above them. Seulgi had a feeling her sheets would smell like Joohyun for a long, long time that day, but she didn’t mind it one bit.

It was also the first time she let Joohyun reciprocate the favor, her hands all over her body, and had it been a year ago Seulgi would never let her, but this time she didn’t have the will to stop it. She didn’t want to either way, just lightly gripping onto her shoulders, lips on Joohyun’s. It wasn’t beautiful as in those movies; actually they probably looked a bit odd had you actually seen it. Seulgi was still wearing her slippers and the curtains fell on top of one of their faces all the time. Even then, through the awkward comments and the annoyingly creaking bed, it was as perfect as it could be, and that was really all that seemed to matter.

When it was all done, nothing but a long sound coming from both of them afterwards. They just stayed there, not saying anything for a while, the taste of Joohyun still on her lips, and for once Seulgi was the one holding her close. Taking her in ever so slowly, her pale skin, the sweet scent and her slightly damp hair. Seulgi really hated how she only came to realize that everything could have been easier, had she tried, but she knew it was too late anyway. There wasn’t anything they could do, as time ticked by with each crashing wave outside. That look was in Joohyun’s eyes again, making something choke in Seulgi’s throat, like a painful lump. It was something alike the feeling she got before she cried, even if she was nowhere near to crying, and she hated how all of it just screamed goodbye. Seulgi swallowed then, her slightly bruised and dry lips parting slightly as they looked into Joohyun’s wide eyes. “I love you too,” Seulgi confessed then, her voice cracking a bit because was parched and her emotions were a mess. She didn’t know why she said it, Joohyun didn’t even utter anything, but she still saw it and felt it and everything cliché.

“I know,” Joohyun had said then, and it didn’t surprise Seulgi at all that she actually did despite everything.

The following day, September 1^st, Seulgi looked out the window to see a moving truck finishing with loading up a pile of boxes. The large truck closed the gate, and drove off, only leaving a blue car filled with bags and a rusty old bike behind it. Joohyun stood there with her parents, only standing there by the concrete, holding onto her light cardigan as she seemed lost in her own thoughts. Seulgi wondered about her thoughts, if she was thinking about how it felt like moving there, getting to know everyone in the neighborhood, and most especially if she thought of them.

Seulgi only sighed as her mother stood beside her, putting on her shoes. “We have to go say goodbye,” she said then while looking over at Seulgi. “I know she’s your best friend and it’s sad to see her go, it’s tough for me too, but we can’t be impolite and just stay here.” Her mother then proceeded to walk out the door, and Seulgi was about to follow, before another figure emerged inside. There was a soft smile on her face, not exactly happy, but it was there as she went in. Seulgi could only look at her as she stepped inside, gripping onto Seulgi’s hand as they stepped into the living room and away from their parents’ ears and eyes. It wasn’t nice at all, having to say goodbye like that, not being able to see each other for a while. Would they even see each other again? Seulgi didn’t know, but she still hoped for it, even if she was uncertain. “You move in last and you leave first,” Seulgi tried to joke although it wasn’t really funny and sounded a bit forced. “That’s not fair.” Joohyun could only let out a small chuckle, although it was a bit odd in Seulgi’s ears, as they stood in the living room. The clouds covered most parts of the sun, but from time to time it would appear, and in that moment it did as they stood there. Shining through the windows, glimmering on top of the blue sea and towards the green grass, over to the small distance it could reach through the window. There wasn’t much for them to say, and Seulgi hated goodbyes because they never meant anything good. She had yet to find the “good” in it, and so far it had only been painful. She let out a sigh, wondering about too much at once. “You moved in around this time too,” Seulgi came to think of it, not wondering why that entered her thoughts, and Joohyun only nodded.

“Had this been a book, we’d have to analyze what the author meant by this,” Joohyun said, and even if it wasn’t a particularly good joke or a joke at all, they both laughed. Seulgi didn’t really know why she found it so funny, but it felt good to get rid of the slight tension in the air, just to act as another minute meant another day.

Seulgi chuckled for a while more. “I can’t believe it has come to this,” she said then, her hands trying to remove something annoying in her eyes causing her to tear up, called sorrow, and she hated it. Blinking them away quickly, she stood there as Joohyun only looked down, holding onto her little bag. She looked so small then, so fragile that Seulgi just wanted to hug her and not let her go, but she didn’t. Because if she did, she probably wouldn’t let her go.

A moment passed, and her parents were probably wondering where Joohyun was, but they didn’t say anything. They didn’t even move, and they kept their distance, not really knowing what to do. It was too weird and too surreal for any of them to grasp it, that someone so important would be removed from Seulgi’s life, no matter how complicated they were. Then, Joohyun found a pencil in her bag, and with a smile on her face she sat down on the floor. Next to the wall, facing it and Seulgi could only wonder what she was doing. She moved closer to get a better look, only to see an outline of falling leaves on the walls. “We’ll meet again someday, when the leaves fall,” Joohyun had said then as Seulgi sat beside her. “Those summer and autumn months seems to come back to us, after all.”

Joohyun let out a smile during the falling silence, broken yet sincere, her hand moving to caress Seulgi’s cheek ever so lightly. She only stayed quiet, because they both knew it would be too late to do anything about it. They didn’t have enough time, and no matter how Seulgi wanted to sprint to Joohyun, she was too out of breath to actually reach her anymore, and she just had to realize it. She let her hand rest over Joohyun’s, trying to remember the soft feeling of her small hands, and the look in her shining eyes. Seulgi had another picture imprinted in her mind, the look in Joohyun’s eyes and the soft glow that rested on top of her face. She really loved this girl, even if she had always tried to say otherwise.

Moments like these don’t last forever, and before they knew it, they had both gotten up and Seulgi had walked her down to the gates. Opening the old, wooden door that separated their property towards the rest of the neighborhood, they watched Joohyun’s parents and Seulgi’s mother chat. Joohyun’s mother was the first to notice them, waving Joohyun over. “We have to get going if we’re going to make the flight!” she had shouted, and her father was already getting in the car. It was real, Joohyun was leaving, and Seulgi had no idea on what to do. The wind flew between them, another broken smile on Joohyun’s face as they stood there. “Goodbye, SeulBear,” she said affectionately, only giving her a short yet tight hug, Seulgi too dazed to even do anything. And then, as Seulgi watched Joohyun’s shadow retreat away from her reach, she knew that the realization hit her like a boulder. Seulgi knew that Joohyun loved her more than anyone else, enough to disobey her parents, to ignore the rumors, to make it work and yet Seulgi didn’t appreciate her strength. Rather, she had destroyed her, to the point that she knew they would never return to how it was, and even if she tried to fix her it would be too late.

Then, Seulgi let the adrenaline course through her legs, running the short yet what felt like far distance to Joohyun who wasn’t too far away from the car. From the corner of her eye, she saw her confused mother and equally as surprised were Joohyun’s parents. A faint moment she heard her mother gasp, maybe horrified or maybe in shock or both, but it didn’t matter as Seulgi only grabbed onto Joohyun and kissed her hard. So hard that they nearly fell on the grass, that Joohyun had to grip onto Seulgi’s sweater, that it took her a while before she responded. It was the toughest thing Seulgi had ever done, and she tried to control herself, but she couldn’t as tears streamed down her face.

That was the first and last time Seulgi ever kissed Joohyun in front of anyone, and as the clouds covered the shining sun, Joohyun was gone from her life just like that. Darkness, she thought then, seemed to settle upon the whole island.

Her first love had left, and she still didn’t find the “good” in goodbye.