Joohyun (Present)

It was so early that morning that the sun hadn’t even risen up from the horizon, the blue sky creating a crisp morning air that made Joohyun wrap her jacket closer to her. There was a mug of coffee in her hands, but it had long time turned cold and unappetizing, so she simply held it just because. She was standing inside the hallway, looking out at the ocean and the rocky path. The house had been extended, and the area she was standing at now used to be a part of Seulgi’s garden. There were wide windows that covered the entire wall, giving it a splendid view of the sky and the sea, compared to that small box-framed window they had before. Even the wooden panel had been replaced, the kitchen modernized, and even if it had the same layout it was a different style all together. Joohyun sighed as she stood there, thinking about everything and nothing at once, looking around to see that nothing was like the house she used to visit. Most of the constructers had gone because the house was technically done. It was stripped bare from furniture, that was the only thing it needed anyway, and Joohyun realized that her work was finally done there. Yet, she couldn’t get herself to leave with the other’s just yet, and she ended up staying the night with no one around her.

She’d talked to Wendy every once and a while, but it was a clear distance between them, that made it tough to communicate thoroughly. It was tough, because no matter what had happened and her confused feelings, she still missed her fiancée so, so much that she couldn’t sleep. The bed was too big for one person anyway. It didn’t help trying to talk to her either, because Wendy still seemed insecure about everything, and honestly, it didn’t surprise Joohyun one bit. A pair of footsteps echoed through the empty house after an hour or two, even clearer as it was empty and the floor was new. “You’re still here?” Seulgi had asked, and the sun was barely on its way up. Joohyun didn’t look at her, but she heard something move around, like items in a box.

Joohyun only shrugged. “Had to check some things around here,” she lied before turning away again, not knowing what to take of the situation. Things had been a bit awkward between them ever since Joohyun lashed out on her not too long ago, but she had to hand it to her that Seulgi was persistent… Just at the wrong timing. She could feel Seulgi looking at her, and Joohyun turned around to face her. The silence was tense and filled with so many unsaid words. She wondered what this conversation could lead to, or if it would lead anywhere at all. “Why’d you come back?” she wanted to ask, but instead she said nothing, and as usual Seulgi was the one talking a she sat the box down.

“You know, it’s autumn,” Seulgi began after a while. “You said we’d meet again then, someday,” she continued and Joohyun only sighed. She had been lying when she said she didn’t remember it, but she didn’t want to think about it because when she thought of meeting Seulgi again, she thought of them being together.

Joohyun then chuckled, a bit bitterly, looking down at her coffee before turning around. “It’s been a while since then,” she replied with her eyes still looking at the lightly brown beverage. Seulgi would’ve liked hers black. “Did you actually think we would meet again?”

She looked up to see Seulgi’s reflection from the window, and she was holding onto her arms casually while nodding. “I did; I just didn’t know when, to be honest,” Seulgi replied after a while. “I had to get away from my mother first,” she continued. Joohyun never knew how Seulgi’s mother reacted, as she hadn’t even heard from her since the day they parted. As for her own parents, well, they were stunned the whole trip, but her mother sort of knew all along. She had told them that they didn’t look at each other as friends did. That was the only time they brought it up, and never again did they discuss Joohyun’s uality. To this day, Joohyun still didn’t know if they liked it or not, but they didn’t disown her. “I left a message to you,” Seulgi suddenly shared, making Joohyun turn around to finally face her. A confused expression entered her own face, not having any single memory of a letter or anything similar from Seulgi. “Guess you never found it.”

Joohyun took a second or two to think over any unread letters, but it had been so long that even if they were forgotten, they must’ve been thrown away. Yet it didn’t make sense, she would never throw away a letter from Seulgi. In that moment she was about to ask, looking at the profile of her first love, one that suddenly appeared out of nowhere again. And as she looked at Seulgi, an entirely different question popped up instead. “Why me?” Seulgi seemed equally as confused then while looking over at her. “Out of all the architects in this country, why me?” Joohyun continued to ask, looking around the entire house she helped build for her, not really knowing why.

The other woman was quiet for a while, and Seulgi didn’t spare Joohyun a single glance before she turned around. Her eyes gleamed of something, of loss, of sadness as well. “Out of regret,” she replied silently, almost alike a hoarse whisper. “Because, after all these years, it’s safe to say that I still wondered about how you’d been, and what you’re like now.” Joohyun wasn’t sure of how to respond to that, because even if she wanted to yell at Seulgi again, she didn’t have the energy to. Instead she just listened, and saw the sadness in Seulgi’s almond eyes, feeling the cold around them through the tense air. “I didn’t really need this, this house, but I remembered your promise and… I remembered the fact that even now, I still love you.”

The surprise that hit Joohyun wasn’t Seulgi’s confession, not even the tears that rolled out of her eyes, but rather the fact that when she uttered those words, Joohyun felt her heart leap out of her chest… Metaphorically, of course. It made her surprised to the point that she almost had to balance herself, even if she tried to stand perfectly still, as glimmering tears ran down Seulgi’s face. And in that moment, Joohyun wasn’t sure if she was emotionally unstable or if something else took over completely, but she stepped closer. Close enough to hold onto the collar of Seulgi’s sweater, to pull her closer until the new and familiar feel of her lips were on hers again.

The kiss was feverish with every single heartbreaking, painful and bittersweet realization of separation. Seulgi’s lips were warm and hard on hers, gripping onto Joohyun was she could still taste the salty tears. Joohyun’s own hands moved to her hair, pulling her closer one last time, savoring the loss of that mind-blowing contact that she suffered through sixteen years. It was their first kiss after all the tension between them, after their separation and it was probably the last kiss they would ever share. When they parted it still tingled on Joohyun’s lips, with their face still close to one another, trying to take it all in. A wave of memories and reminiscing hit Joohyun in that moment, making her stomach churn and her veins drown in heaviness. How could Joohyun feel nostalgia when the woman she had loved for so long was right in front of her? How could she start missing a person who was right in front of her?

Then an image of Wendy smiling flashed through her eyes, her fiancée and her love, the one she was going to build a life with in a new country. The woman who had been through every up and down since college, whom she had known for years and loved so dearly. At some point Joohyun realized that she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t leave Wendy, not for Seulgi, not for anyone. She came to comprehend that even if Seulgi would always stay in her heart, as a best friend, as a first love, she knew that they just weren’t meant to be. It hurt, even if she didn’t want it too, and she took a deep breath before coming to terms with it. “It’s too late,” she had replied a while after the kiss, her hands still tangled in the taller woman’s dark hair and their breaths mingling. Her heart was unsteady, so was her hands and entire being, trembling by the proximity. “I don’t want to do this to you, but it’s true. Had it been earlier, then maybe, but I’m in love with Wendy now… I can’t leave her.” She saw the pain in Seulgi’s eyes, but it was the harsh truth that time had put upon them. “I used to love you, maybe I still do, but it’s not enough anymore,” Joohyun continued softly, but instead of moving away she stayed in that warm embrace, because she knew it would be the last time they could actually be like that.

The tears had stopped coming out from them both, although Joohyun couldn’t even remember when she began to cry as well. She felt the pain however, the harsh reality hitting her like a truck on the highway, and soon she let go. In that moment, as they stood there apart, Joohyun exhaled to realize that it was really over this time. That the long journey of heartbreaks, love and everything about Seulgi had really, really come to an end. It was over, and with that breath the pain subsided with about a fracture. It wasn’t gone, but it was a start, and it was time to move on. She saw Seulgi sigh, the girl she loved when she was younger. “I understand,” Seulgi had said, and Joohyun really hoped that she did. Even if it wasn’t the most vocal farewell like the first time, it was equally as tough and complicated, and this time they were really going to move on. For a moment Joohyun wanted to say they could keep in touch, but as they locked eyes again, she had a feeling it would only be an empty promise. She either got everything of Seulgi or nothing from Seulgi, and there was no inbetween.

Another moment passed by with the crashing waves outside, and as the sun illuminated the empty corners and the shadows that followed, Seulgi walked pass Joohyun and further into the house. It was her call to leave, to say goodbye that was as simple as that, and that was probably the most heartfelt Seulgi could get.

“You’ll always be my first love, Kang Seulgi,” Joohyun thought to herself. “But Wendy will be my last.”