It’s their debut stage today, and they’re in one of the many waiting rooms of M! Countdown.  Though this isn’t his and Jinyoung’s first time, Jaebum feels the all-too-familiar combination of nerves and excitement.  The nerves, he’ll admit only to himself, have been multiplied by the number of members he is responsible for now.  He’s learning to deal with it, because it’s his job and role as leader of GOT7.    

They still have some time before it’s their turn on stage, in the blinding lights, with the maddening crowd of people standing before them.  He takes a quick look around the room to see what all the members are doing, mentally doing a head count and coming up one less.  

Youngjae.

“Where’s Choi Youngjae?”

Jinyoung’s sitting on the sofa, sandwiched between Bambam and Yugyeom, most likely calming them in that natural nurturing way of his.  Jackson is in the middle of what looks to be some body gag, making Mark laugh out loud.  But at the sound of their leader’s voice, all ten eyes turn toward him.  

Bambam is the first to answer.  “I think I heard him ask manager hyung if he could use the restroom.” 

“Thanks.”  He heads out to find his missing member, but when he reaches the doorway he stops to turn back.  “Kids.  The thing we worked so hard for and the countless tiring hours of practice…. it’s all led up to today.”  He smiles, taking a moment to look at each of them, proud of their teamwork and all the hard work they’ve put into debuting.  “Let’s not have our efforts be wasted, and let’s make this a memory we and our fans will never forget.”

With their loud cheers and ‘yes, hyung’ ringing in his ears, he leaves to find Youngjae.  After searching the closest bathroom and a couple nearby rooms and finding only other idol group members, his worry starts to increase.

Just as he thinks he’s going to have to let their manager know — and not looking forward to that conversation — he remembers there being an older, usually out-of-order bathroom at the farthest end of the building and rushes toward it.  

When he opens the door and finds Youngjae, he breathes out a sigh of relief.  Then he takes in the younger member, crouched on the floor, staring blankly ahead, looking in every way the epitome of lost and fragile.

The first thing out of his mouth however is the opposite of concern, and maybe it’s because he’s not sure how to handle all the feelings inside of him that keep creeping up concerning Youngjae lately, especially feelings like how he just wants to rush over and pull the younger man into his arms to comfort him.  

“Ya!  What do you think you’re doing, disappearing like that?” he asks, letting the door slam closed behind him as he moves farther into the room. 

Youngjae looks up, startled at the sudden noise.  “Hyung.  What—”  In his haste to stand, he loses his balance and is about to land flat on his face when Jaebum acts fast, catching him and preventing him from falling.

“Careful now,” Jaebum warns softly, releasing Youngjae once he’s vertical again.  “This floor looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in who knows how long, and you can’t get your stage outfit dirty.  Coordinoona wouldn’t like that.”

“So-sorry hyung.”  He takes a couple steps back and bumps into the sink.  Why do I always have to be so clumsy? he criticizes himself silently.

“Are you okay?”  

“Yeah… um, sorry for worrying you, sorry Jaebum hyung.  I just,” he pauses and looks down at his hands, trying rather unsuccessfully to keep them from fidgeting.  “I just needed some air,” he finishes lamely.

“And you went to this bathroom?” Jaebum smiles at that thought, looking around the small, dingy, and very cramped quarters.  There’s a reason no one’s willingly used this restroom in months (if not, years), besides the fact that the toilets don’t function half the time.  “It’s okay, Youngjaeya.  To be nervous,” he clarifies, “all the other members are."  Including me, he thinks but doesn’t say aloud.  He’s the leader, and as leader, he has to be the one who is in control and steady even if sometimes that’s the furthest thing from the truth.

“I was talking with Mark hyung and Jackson hyung — well they were talking mostly and I just listened, and Mark hyung said in America when he had to give a speech, someone told him to picture everyone else in their underwear and that way you wouldn’t be nervous anymore,” Youngjae begins rambling, his nerves taking front and center stage.  “Jackson hyung laughed but I don’t think it’s a good idea at all, but maybe… maybe Mark hyung misspoke since his Korean still isn’t the best and he meant to say something else.  Us without clothes,” he stops and frowns at that particular thought.  “No, no, that’s not right either… that’s a nightmare—”

“Youngjae.”  Jaebum reaches out and lays a hand gently on his arm.  “Just breathe.”

Wanting to do what Jaebum asks, he takes one, albeit short, deep breath and tries his best to control his breathing and calm his racing heart.  God, Jaebum hyung probably thinks I’m an idiot.  Well, that’s okay, he reasons, I feel like one most of the time anyway.  He can never hope to compare to the other members in their confidence and charisma and charm.  And just when the thought of him not being able to compare and always falling short takes shape, he feels his anxiety increase ten-fold.

“I’m sorry, so sorry, rambling, disappearing…. that I worried hyung. I know you already have a lot to worry about and I’m just making it worse.”  He just wants to reassure his hyung that he’s all right, but instead, he can’t seem to stop the word vomit from spewing out of his mouth.

He glances up and meets Jaebum’s eyes.  His roommate, his leader hyung.  Despite being older, Jaebum’s been such a good friend, helping him and encouraging him when he worried that he wasn’t good enough or that he wasn’t learning the dance moves fast enough.  He sees infinite patience and a kind understanding and that just makes him even more nervous.  He doesn’t want to ever see disappointment in those eyes, he’s not sure he could handle it.  

He only ever wants to see Jaebum smile at him, and to have him give him those really wondrous hugs like he did sometimes after he did really well in his daily vocal lesson, or when after a dance practice even the choreographer couldn’t find fault with him and said he had done a good job.  It was in hopes of one of those spontaneous hugs that kept him going and working so hard in those early months of trainee life.

And then there was last night.  When he hadn't been able to sleep, Jaebum shifted closer to him, putting an arm around his body and hugging him tightly from behind, making him feel safe and secure.  His eyes had shut, and he finally felt his body begin to relax.  The last thing he remembered before drifting off to sleep was the sound of Jaebum’s voice singing softly to him.

But if he messes up today, none of that will ever happen again.

“I don’t want to let you down.  Any of the members,” he quickly adds.  “I haven’t trained as long, and what if I forget my line, or mess up a dance move and fall into another member, or if I get out there and freeze, or what if I can sing but my voice cracks… and… and…and what if…” His chest starts feeling too tight for comfort and his breaths are coming out fast and shallow as the multitude of ways he can mess up race through his mind like a mini slide show of doom.

“Youngjae!” 

Through the fog that’s enveloping his brain and making him dizzy, he hears Jaebum shout his name but try as he might he can’t seem to answer.  He also can’t seem to catch his breath, he realizes, while his hands and fingers are starting to go numb.

“Choi Youngjae!”  

Panic, this time, in Jaebum hyung’s voice.  I shouldn't worry him, I should never worry him…I can’t worry him, he thinks, just as he feels his body begin to sway.  

“Hey, hey, look at me,” Jaebum pleads, placing both his hands on Youngjae’s arms to try and steady him again.  “Just breathe, please Youngjae, baby…come on, just take some deep breaths.  Slowly.  I’ll count for you, and all you have to do is focus on my voice and taking one deep breath at a time.  You can do it, I know you can.  One…two—”

“I-I can’t,” he barely manages, his voice just a raspy whisper.  “Tr-trying to, hyung.”  

Jaebum is busy trying not to panic himself, but this is Youngjae.  Choi Youngjae.  His responsibility, his roommate, his team member, his friend… his… 

“Youngjaeya, please,” Jaebum says again, hoping his voice is steadier than he feels, while placing a hand gently on the other’s cheek.  He leans forward without thinking of anything else, brushing his lips against the younger boy’s once, twice, before stopping himself.

And it seems that all at once, Youngjae feels his breath rush out, the tightness of his chest beginning to ease, and his heart — his heart though — it still races but for an entirely different reason.  His eyes meet Jaebum’s, and Jaebum is looking at him with concern and something else he can’t name.  

“It’s okay, just let yourself breathe.  You’re okay, everything’s okay.”  Now that color is beginning to return to Youngjae’s face and he no longer looks like he’s two seconds from passing out, Jaebum backs up a few steps, taking a slow deep breath himself, hoping to calm his much-too-fast beating heart.  The fluttering feeling in his stomach, the one that began the moment his lips touched Youngjae’s, refuses to let up.

What was I was thinking?  

The worry and crushing fear, which had clawed so violently at his heart and in his throat during those terrifying minutes, have lessened now and with both subsiding, rational thoughts and doubts begin to creep in and make themselves at home.

Seconds pass by, or maybe it’s actually been longer. Jaebum doesn’t know, and he’s almost unwilling to break the silence that’s fallen between them, too trapped in his thoughts of self reproach over what he’d done and how he could fix things.  Apologize.  He needs to apologize first.  Right?

“Hyung.”  Youngjae’s voice is whisper soft and laced with uncertainty.  His index finger traces along his bottom lip, before he realizes what he’s doing and he quickly jerks his hand away and hides it behind his back.

“Hyung,” he tries again, hesitating only a little, “why… why did you do that?”  He’s too shy to say the actual words but still he forces himself to look at Jaebum while he’s talking.

“You were having a panic attack,” Jaebum begins, trying to find the right words to explain himself.  “And I kept trying to get you to breathe, and you wouldn't and I was worried if I left you to get help that…that…” his voice trails off, not wanting to finish the rest of his thought.  “I uh— I was just trying to snap you out of it.  I’m sorry, Youngjae. I shouldn't have done that.”

It isn’t like he expected him to say anything differently, but still Youngjae can’t help but deflate a little at Jaebum’s words and apology.  It’s silly, really quite silly though, he thinks, what other explanation did I hope to receive?

“It’s okay, Jaebum hyung.”  He doesn’t want his leader feeling bad about what happened, since it obviously meant nothing on his part.  He manages what he hopes to be a small smile.  “It worked, thank you.  I’m sorry for scaring you and for disappearing and causing—”

“Youngjae!” Jaebum interjects.  “Stop before you work yourself up into another panic attack and then what will I do? Kiss you again?”  Crap crap crap, I should not have said that!  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Maybe I wouldn’t mind.”  The words slip traitorously out of his mouth before he can even try to stop them. 

Spinning around quickly, he hits the bathroom sink for the second time that day while his cheeks turn a bright red.  Ohmygod Choi Youngjae, you have really done it now.  Please, if there is someone up above, please let this floor open up now and swallow me whole.  

“Youngjae.”

He’s still trying to figure out what exactly to say, when Jaebum turns him around so now they’re standing face-to-face, and he quickly looks anywhere else but at Jaebum hyung.  

“I’m sorry.  This is awkward, right?”  He punctuates the air with his own little awkward laugh as if to reinforce his words.  Smooth, real smooth Youngjae.  He bites his bottom lip, again wishing for the floor to open up any second now.  Any. given. second. now. please.  

His silent pleas remain unheard and he finds that he’s still standing in front of Jaebum, so without any other option (besides running away), he continues.  “You were just trying to calm me, and it didn’t mean anything…. to you.  You don’t like me, like that.  I know. You’re my roommate, my leader hyung,” he says, finally finding a bit of courage and making eye contact with Jaebum again.

Jaebum is busy searching his face, and he isn’t sure what he sees but then Youngjae doesn’t care anymore because whatever answer he found leads Jaebum to kissing him again.  It’s more than the soft, barely there brushing of lips from moments earlier, but still relatively tentative and chaste and he’s left wanting more.  

This is Heaven, isn’t it?  He sighs, and Jaebum stops and pulls back.

“What?  Why?” His voice is more than a little breathless.  Later maybe he would be embarrassed about it, but right now, he barely keeps himself from pouting.  

“You’re not having a panic attack now, are you?”

Thrown by the sudden direct question (and plus his brain is still preoccupied with kisses), he wrinkles his face in confusion.  “No, no I don’t think so.”

Jaebum places yet another all too chaste peck on his lips and smiles.  “So does that correct your assumption about me not liking you…like that?”

“Yeah, yeah it does.”  He knows he’s probably grinning like an idiot (really he is), but he doesn’t care.  Shyly he reaches out and grabs one of Jaebum’s hands in his and holds it.  “I um, I’m glad hyung.”  He’s still nervous and unsure of himself but he wants to be honest too.  “I really like you.”

And his honesty is rewarded by seeing Jaebum smile, really smile, the one where the corners of his eyes crinkle and Youngjae feels his heart trip in his chest just to see that wonderful incredible smile directed only at him and for him only.

There is more to be said and more to talk about, but they know it’ll have to wait when they hear their manager’s voice coming down the hallway, getting closer and closer, yelling out their names.

Youngjae releases Jaebum’s hand immediately, but Jaebum clasps his hand once again, giving it an encouraging squeeze, before heading toward the door.

He glances back to see if Youngjae is following and there’s a smile on his face still.  “Come on, let’s go show the world GOT7 and let them see how great you are Youngjae.”

By the time Youngjae catches up, only seconds later, Jaebum is profusely apologizing to their manager and taking upon all the responsibility.  It’s so very like Jaebum hyung, and Youngjae can’t help but fall a little more in love.

____

Time passes quickly, and chaos ensues as seven members hurry to finish the last seconds of preparation, and now it’s mere moments before they are due on stage.

There’s hot breath against the back of his neck, tickling him, and then Jaebum whispers in his ear, low enough only for him to hear.  “If you need to picture anyone in just their underwear, I hope it’s me and not the crowd.”

Youngjae’s so surprised he almost chokes on the sip of water he’d just taken and knocks into Bambam when he spins around.  Before the younger boy can protest, he apologizes and then shifts all of his attention to Jaebum.

There’s no way he actually said that, right?  But he sees the grin on Jaebum’s face and turns bright red for the second time that day.  “Hyung!” 

All Jaebum does is wink — Im Jaebum hyung winks — at him before turning to pull all of them into one last huddle.  And he does what he does best.  Be a leader.

The stage, the blinding lights, the maddening crowd of people…. it’s all over in a blur and the adrenaline and giddiness of completing their first ever stage as GOT7 is enough to keep them powered up and going through the rest of the day and into the early night hours.

It’s a day Youngjae will always remember, and as his eyes search the room and land on Jaebum, busy discussing tomorrow’s stage with their manager, he knows he’ll remember it for more reasons than one.  

FIN

____

Comments and constructive criticism are welcome.

Tbh, quite nervous (almost Youngjae-level!) to post. It's been a long while since I've tried to write (and this is my first foray into kpop ff), which is why I decided to start out slow with drabble length stories from A to Z, but obviously my A drabble got a little out of hand.  I'm probably terribly rusty, and I'm not sure if everything flowed well, but I have proofread this three dozen times (no exaggeration) so I made myself find some courage to post.

Random question, but since I'm new to the site/community, may I ask why would an author make a story subscriber or members-only?  Is there a particular reason/point?