written in Sunggyu POV

***

I was young in age but old in mind when I met you. At first, I didn't like you. We were rivals and you had all the qualities I lacked. I didn't want to loose to you and even though I knew I sang better you were always the confident one. I felt so small next to you. It was in your blood. Being an idol. I could see it. Your energy, your charisma... It was breathtaking.

I never thought love was for me. I couldn't imagine myself falling in love. Much less with you. But you know... Never say never. The life will make a liar out of you every time. I don't remember when exactly it changed or when I realized that what I feel for you is love. As in capital L.O.V.E. It just happened and one day when I looked you, I stopped seeing everything else. 

I want to believe things happen for a reason. Sometimes we may not understand the reason at times things happen but I try to have faith that someday we will. We will look back and realize we needed that to happen because we needed to learn, to experience... it was simply part of our destiny. However, it's not always easy to think like that. Especially if you are suffering as much as I am. 

You see... Maybe I was just scared to be in love. Because love can bring out the best in you but also the worst. It can change you in ways you would never expect. Sometimes it saves, sometimes it destroyes. So how am I supposed to know? Are you my salvation or downfall? 

I couldn't decide when it came to you. At times, I was your best friend, laughing, playing, doing fanservice and then I would morph into your worst enemy. Criticizing you, giving you the cold shoulder, ignoring. You were so confused. So... I gave you the wound but I think it hurts me more. I could see the pain in your eyes, the helplessness... You didn't know what you were doing wrong, why was I angry with you but I couldn't tell you and every time it happened, my heart would break all over again.

I don't know why you keep forgiving me. No matter what I do or say, you always smile and accept. Maybe you sometimes shout, sulk or argue but you always come back. Always. And that kills me because I don't think I deserve you. I have no confidence when it comes to you. I can't confess. Not because I am scared of rejection but because I am scared of what if? What if you feel the same? We can't be together and knowing we love each other without any hope... I think that may be even worse than what I feel now. Or if you reject me... how will we ever work together? Nevermind my pride or broken heart but can you continue to be in the same group? When you know how I see you? I can't confess because it doesn't matter whether you accept or decline, neither option is good. 

***

I was a fool. I looked at you more than anyone and I still didn't see it. Your smiles, your laughs... how could you fake it so easily? Everytime you cried, it was the happy, grateful cry after we won something or you were simply overwhelmed by the support of our fans... Not this time. When I saw you breaking down in front of everyone, my world collapsed too. You barely made it to the backstage and you never returned. Not even when the fans asked you to. You. Who always did everything for the fans. I knew it right there and then. Something was wrong. 

When I got back, I wanted to scold you, to be the good leader but one look at you stole my words away. You were a mess. You were sitting with your head down, everyone rushing around you, trying to make you feel better but you ignored them all. I glared at them and they immediately left us alone. Even our members didn't come near. 

"Woohyun-ah~" I've started gently but you only started to cry harder. Oh my God. What happened to you? I knew there were some family problems but... was it really serious?

"Come on... what's wrong?"

You just shook your head. I crunched down and hugged you. You stopped breathing the moment our body touched and started to tremble. I was at loss. What should I do?

"Please~" I begged you to let me help you. You burrowed your head in my shoulder, I could feel your wet tears and you started your mumble...

"I... I'm so sorry... everything is... I... it all just came down to me... You all had your activities but I was not performing for a long time... seeing the fans... I was so grateful I didn't want to let them down... but... but my parents... they... they were arguing for a long time... I thought... they would divorce... it was bad. Really bad... but they seem better now... however the debts... you know... we have them and... and I couldn't earn enough ... because we didn't have a new album... the payments... we have to sell the restaurant and... I... I feel I was not good enough you know... and... and... I am not feeling well these days... my stomach hurts. A lot. But I can't... I can't miss the promotions... I need to smile at our fans. I missed them so much... so much... I can't be sick now. And... I... gosh... Sunggyu I can't keep it inside anymore..." 

You sobbed and I tighten my hold. Oh my poor Woohyunnie. He was suffering so much... I mentally slap myself for not knowing this. 

"It's okay. Shhh. Don't worry. Everything is going to be okay."

You shook your head again.

"No... You... You don't know but I can't... /gasp/... I can't do this..." 

You were starting to hyperventilate, your breathing really shallow. 

"Calm down. Woohyunnie~ Look at me. Deep breaths, okay?"

Our eyes meet and I am lost. Your expression is so pained. Are you really hurting that much?

"Gyu... I..." Your voice is low, shaky...

"I think... I am in love with you."

The moment the words are out from your mouth, your eyelids flutter and you sunk down against me. I am at shock. I catch your limp body, my own vision darkening. How...? Someone must have seen what happened because there are people rushing to your side, taking you from me and I just blindly follow. 

What will happen now? You... How... I love you so much but can I really accept your confession? Can we really be? I wait in the hospital, worried to death. I worry about you, about your health, about us, about the group... Everything happened so suddenly. I clutch my head. I... I wanted to be the strong one. To always do what's right for the group and protect everyone. However... can I reject you? Can I really do it? Especially after I saw how much you need me? How much you are suffering?

They come to inform me you woke up and I can go see you now. It's an infection of some sorts. Nothing too serious but your intestines are hurt and you will need to stay in the hospital for some time. Apparently, it must have hurt you a lot and the doctors are shocked you could hide the pain for so long. I feel even more guilty... and hurt.

I enter your room and you are staring at your hands, not able to meet my eyes. My stomach drops to the floor. Oh Woohyun-ah. You have no idea... No idea.

"Hey~"

"Hi."

"How are you?"

"Better. Don't worry."

"Do you need anything...?"

"It's fine. Really. I am sorry I will need to stay here but they said I can make it to the next concert so..."

"It's fine. Don't think about it. Your health is more important than our activities."

We remain silent for a while after that. You are not even looking at me and I don't know what to do.

"About what happened... I..." You start and I can see your struggle.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it... I just..."

I can't take it anymore. I just can't see you like that. So confused. So scared. So hurt. As long as it was me... I could preserve but the moment I realized you are in pain, that you also suffer because of your feelings... I couldn't be the source of your agony. I just couldn't do that.

"Woohyun-ah." I stop your talking and you finally meet my eyes.

"I love you."

I say and lean in for a kiss. Your pupils dilate, you are surprised but I see a smile dancing on your lips and that's all I need. It makes the whole world perfect.

the end

a/n: I am refering to the recent concert in this fic when woohyun really broke down crying and couldn't even return for the stage at the end. he stopped his sns activies for some time after that but he is now okay :) posting pics etc again so don't worry. there were rumours about his family on the net but it seems they were all lies so please don't take things in this story too seriously :) it's just fiction