Do you remember how we met?

We were 9 years old, both scared, innocent, inexperienced and vulnerable.  Who knew that a school I didn’t belong in would unite us?  Who could have guessed that a school in the middle of nowhere with a ‘special’ program that was eventually moved elsewhere would be the birthplace of a whole lot of feelings?

You had hair that was so short that if you still had it today, you would hate it.  It was so round and spherical that I could spot you from a mile away.  Regardless, I found that characteristic oddly admirable.  The fingernail on one of your thumbs was misshapen due to a small accident with a door which you didn’t quite remember when I had asked you about it.

Our entire friendship started with, “Hey, are you done with your apple juice?” and an exchange of confused expressions.  We were an odd pair from the start and from the moment we started talking, I had a good feeling about you.

There are so many things “talking” could mean.  Sometimes it means catching up with a friend or getting to know them again after they’ve changed, even just a little bit.  Sometimes it means something serious and possibly life changing where decisions need to be made.  A lot of times, talking isn’t really talking at all.  Most of it is just sounds to assure the other person that we’re still around even if the words don’t really matter.  It’s interesting how that all works.

It’s been 8 years since we met, 6 years- almost 7 since I fell for you.  I sit at my desk, night after night, writing and trying to give words to a feeling I can’t figure out.  But I think today is the day that I tied it all together and knotted the ends of the questions I had been asking for years.

Let’s rewind, shall we?

Dec. 29^th, 2013

Tomorrow is my birthday.  You said you got me a present but you also said you felt bad because you thought I wouldn’t like it as much as something else.  I don’t care what it is.  You got me a present.  You remembered.  You care.

But today, you also asked me for advice.  A point of realization hit me.  I can tell that I have no chance with you when I’m giving you advice to date someone else.  Honestly, I believe I’ve hit rock bottom.

So I sat around for a while, doing nothing but paying attention to what I was feeling.  It’s still there; that feeling I get every time I breathe.  It’s not a sharp pain but it’s pain and it doesn’t feel good.  I feel like if I tried to inhale any more than shallow breaths, I would start crying.  It’s been here for half a year now.  I wonder if it will go away.

My parents decided to celebrate tonight and they bought me a cake.  When I blew out the candles they asked me what I wished for.  I shrugged.  But to me, it was pretty clear.  I wished for you and only you.  You are all that I need.

I sounded so stupid back then.  I was whipped, no doubt; whipped beyond repair.  As a friend said, I was in way over my head and in way too deep.  It’s funny how two years can change someone’s thoughts so drastically.  Instead of “dreaming”, I spend more time actually dreaming.

Jan. 5, 2014

I had spent most of the holiday sleeping until my dad would yell at me to get out of bed.  I grew a liking to sleeping or just lying there, even if I wasn’t tired.  Sleeping is like not existing for a while.  There are no problems to deal with or feelings to suppress and it feels so safe.

If I wasn’t sleeping, I was either wasting the day away on the couch or crying to myself.  It sounds pathetic but being so useless is exhausting.  I constantly worry about having to accomplish something but I don’t have the motivation or the strength to stand up, really.  I spent a lot of time thinking about you.  Us.  Him.

I remembered that time we watched the clouds during lunch.  All of our friends were outside with us, busy laughing and eating.  I separated myself from the group and walked to an empty spot.  I lied down and looked up at the clouds.  Suddenly, I felt a weight on my chest.  It was you.  You laid your head on my chest and looked up at the clouds with me.  We stayed like that for quite a while but to me, it felt like time had passed too quickly.  It wasn’t long before our friends left us and went inside.  We didn’t move, we didn’t speak, we didn’t do anything.  We just stayed there in silence, watching the white clouds pass over us.  It felt so right.  It’s like we didn’t need to say anything or we didn’t need to move.  Your presence was enough for me and mine was enough for you.

I wonder if you remember any memories of us just like that one; the peaceful kind that makes you smile when you think about it.  Most people hate school but that is, after all, where we met and made all of our best memories.

Tomorrow, I have to go back to school.  Nobody wants to have to deal with the workload or studying for exams.  I don’t want to go back either.  I’m not ready to face you and him again.

You had quite the boyfriend back then.  He was a smart guy but you seemed to be too busy to really go out with him so you tried to squeeze in all the bonding during school hours.

I’m glad that you made time for me.

Jan. 6, 2014

Today wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. 

“Here.”  You placed a card and a ring on the lunch table.

“Oh my gosh…  You got the rings?”  I asked you, making a few of our friends confused.

“Yep.”  You chuckled and nodded.

“Thank you so much!”  I threw my arms around you and squeezed you tightly.

I didn’t read the card yet.  I knew I’d probably end up crying really quickly if I did.  So when we got on the bus, you told me to read it.  It was hard to hold back tears and I tried so hard to but I still let go of one.

“Awwww, are you crying?!”  You laughed.

“Yeah.”  I chuckled, still with teary eyes.  “Hey.  I love you.”

I was happy that you remembered what we thought about a year ago.  Now, I’m wearing a ring, tied to a necklace string around my neck.  We finally got them; those matching rings we wanted.  I love the rings, but I have to say that the letter on its own would’ve made me just as happy.  For once, it felt like I actually mattered; like someone cares or I did something that someone appreciates.  That was a feeling that I’ve honestly never felt before.  Thank you.

You know, we were really awkward.  Sometimes you’d take my hand and play with it but I’ve noticed that both of us would keep our hand somewhat straight so we wouldn’t interlock our fingers.  I did it because I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to hold your hand or not.  It was like you wanted me to but you were afraid.  Maybe I’m just being delusional.

It really boggles my mind to think that you never suspected any of my feelings for you.  How would anyone miss it?  It was outright obvious.  Maybe you just didn’t want to think about it because it would be just another thing to worry about on top of your workload.  I didn’t want to think about it either but it would never leave my mind.  As a result, my thoughts often became a jumble of gibberish that I didn’t let myself comprehend.

Thinking back to it now, I think I always knew that my feelings were “different”.  I always knew I was “different” but I hated thinking about it that way because it shouldn’t be called “different” at all.  It was a massive struggle growing up seeing only happy couples where the strong man would protect his princess.  It started with favoring female celebrities over the males and moved onwards to being unable to understand why all of my friends would be so obsessed with Zac Efron or James Franco.  They were always nice to look at and of course, I admired their work but to me, they were no different than any boy I would see walking down the street.  Why was Kristen Stewart preferred over Robert Pattinson, or Emma Watson over Daniel Radcliffe?  Why did my relationship with my ex-boyfriend fall apart so easily?

Maybe that’s because I treated him as only a friend.  Maybe I don’t like boys at all.  They’re about as attractive as the stick figures I draw on my papers when I’m bored.  Of course, they are pleasing to the eye when they smile but I don’t particularly like them.  Even now, I’m still not sure about who I like.  It’s just so strange and uncomfortable when my relatives ask me when I’ll be bringing a boy home or when my mom tells me that I’ll change my mind about giving birth and that someday, I’ll bear lovely children.

I’d rather bring a girl home and the thought of giving birth terrifies me and I believe it will remain a terrifying and unwanted thought.  It’s funny how out of everyone in my family, my grandmother was the very first to say the words “one day, when you have a husband or a partner”.  Even you.  You always said there will be some lucky guy out there who I’ll meet one day.

That ring is my reminder that you helped me come to terms with who I am.  You’re a huge part of that and always will be, even if you caused half of the confusion.

Jan. 10, 2014

Sometimes I lie on my bed and wonder why this happens.  If we’re meant to be, why aren’t you mine yet?  And if we aren’t meant to be, why can’t I get over you?  Even if I see it every day, my heart hurts every time I find you with him.  It’s been over two months that I see this almost every day but even so, that doesn’t change anything.  Even today, I stepped on the bus with my head held low because just outside, you were standing around with him.  When you sat beside me, I know you could tell something wasn’t right with me.  You tried so hard to do something to make me smile but I just couldn’t.  It wasn’t a real smile and you knew it too.

You told me that you wear your ring for motivation; that it inspires you to do better.

“Look at your ring when you miss me.”  I smiled.  “I wear mine.”

“Really?”  You turned your head and reached for it, holding the shiny ring that was hung around my neck.  “I wear mine too, every once in a while, for motivation.  I usually put it away because I don’t want to lose it.”

I wear it because even decades into the future, I want to remember who it was that first taught me how it feels to be in love.  Even if it wasn’t always a good feeling, there are so many memories behind us.  It’s too precious that I can’t forget.  I hope you’ll do the same.

I want to remember your hugs.

Jan. 14, 2014

I was at school after hours today.  While walking in the hallway and waiting for a classroom to open, I heard your voice calling me.  At first, I thought I was hearing things but then you actually saw me and called to me.  Before I knew it, you threw your arms around me and hugged me for a good ten minutes.  It was weird to see you being so affectionate again.  I just hope you didn’t notice the heat in my cheeks when you randomly cupped my face in your palms.  After all that, I think I can add another person to the list of people who suspect something between us…

I want to remember the way we spoke.

Jan. 15, 2014

I realized that I communicate with you differently than anyone else.  With any of my usual friends, I’d just look at them and speak.  But with you, I really try to look deeper into your eyes, as if it would give me any hints to your true thoughts.  It sounds silly to say that you look at the one you love, differently.  Yet, at the same time, it’s so accurate.

I want to remember what it felt like to breathe you in.

Jan. 16, 2014

You’ve been so weirdly distant yet affectionate at the same time.  Throughout the day, you rarely talk to me but when you do, you’re incredibly nice.  As the bus neared my stop today, you leaned your head on my shoulder and said “I don’t want you to go”.

I want to remember even the hard days.

Jan. 17, 2014

I can tell when you’re sad.  I offered you one of my earphones.  You took it and sat down.  Then you just sighed before leaning your head on my shoulder.  I didn’t know what to say so I just leaned my head on yours and played slow songs so maybe you’d sleep.  When I got home, you texted me about how you’re worried that he’s mad at you.  I’m really starting to dislike Nichkhun now.  Honestly, you’ve spent more time talking about how worried you are that he’s mad at you than how happy he makes you.  I seriously haven’t heard you talk about how great he is even once.  It’s like he’s always bringing you down.

Jan. 18, 2014

So I guess lately he’s been asking you out and you’ve had to turn him down because your parents don’t allow you to date…  My position is so difficult.  You asked me for help because you’re worried that he’s mad at you. I want to make you feel better but I can’t do that.  It’s against what my heart tells me.  I don’t want to not help you because that’s against what my heart tells me too.  I hate him.  But I love you.  I told you that I don’t want to say anything about this because I’m afraid I’ll mess something up.  I’m not going to say anything to tear you apart from him.  That wouldn’t be right.

A lot of times, it feels like you’re only with him because he exists.  Just because he’s that smart, somewhat charming Korean boy with a slight accent, you suddenly ‘like’ him.  You always look so uneasy around him, and it’s not the good kind of uneasy.  Our friends tell you that he’s frustrated because he thinks you’re moving too slowly.  You tried talking to him about how you aren’t allowed to go out that often but he acts like such a jerk about it.  So what’s the real reason you’re dating him?  He’s definitely not nice to everyone and all he does is talk to you online or walk you to your bus.  Then when you don’t give him what he wants, he turns cold and snaps at you.  He sounds like your description of people you particularly dislike.

I don’t think I could ever forget the difficult moments even if I tried.  The thoughts came in and out without filters and without control.

Jan. 20, 2014

“Don’t ever die on me.” is what you said to me today.  What would happen if I did?  What would you do?  I wonder how long it would take for you to start worrying.  Then after finding out, I wonder how long you’d cry for before you move on.

For a long while, I thought you wouldn’t care much.  I thought I was really just another lily pad you could hop on to get across the river.  I didn’t think I mattered but you fixed that.  You broke down my walls and cracked everything open so that I could start over and build everything from scratch.  I learned to find purpose, even if it was so hard during the nights I would cry into my pillow.  I found what I loved to do and did what I loved for hours on end into the late night.

Often times, you were up during those late hours too, probably rushing another assignment.

Jan. 21, 2014

I wish you’d focus better on your work and put more effort into it.  I truly believe that if you tried your hardest, you would be the top student in the whole school.  If your current marks are what you can achieve without effort, imagine what you could achieve with effort.  I believe in you, maybe even more than you believe in yourself.  You can do it.

Even if you seemed responsible at times, I couldn’t help but feel in awe at everything you do.  I wrote about you and thought about you endlessly, though it all seemed quite effortless.

Jan. 23, 2014

You tried to take my phone today and go through the things on it.  I quickly took it away and didn’t let you see anything.  I’m sorry.  It’s just that everything on this phone is about you.  The memos, the typed document files, or even the music; they’re all about you.  I said it was a surprise for next year.  Please be patient.  I’m not sure if you’re just messing with me but you said that ‘you know’.  I don’t know if I should find that worrying or reassuring.  If you really know, then what happens now?  Would we grow apart?  But at the same time, if you really know, you’re being even more affectionate than before.  I’m so confused.

I shared my lunch with you, which was nothing out of the usual.  But you took the spoon and tried feeding me.  It was… awkward.  All of our friends at the table were confused too and sent the two of us quite strange faces.  I couldn’t do anything but sit there and blush madly from what you just did.

When I got home today, I tried to cheer you on through instant messaging to help motivate you to study.  For some reason, I remembered cheering you on yesterday to finish the assignment that was due.  Some people stared since I was being a little loud while shouting words of encouragement in the middle of the cafeteria but I kept going.  I saw you smile and instantly I felt really happy about it.  Then today, I remembered that smile and it made my heart skip a beat.

One thing that really bothered me was that I thought you were the loveliest, most beautiful person that could ever exist.  In my eyes, you far surpassed every celebrity and star out there.  To you… well, you simply weren’t satisfied.

Jan. 25, 2014

You keep calling yourself ugly, fat, not perfect, stupid…  I don’t understand.  You have a boyfriend.  A girl should only be with someone who makes her feel beautiful.  If you’re truly happy with him, why do you still feel insecure?  Why are you still unable to be proud of who you are?  It makes me want to cry, knowing that I’m losing you to someone who can’t even make you smile.

If only back then, I knew that a partner doesn’t matter in how we see our reflection.  One boy should not be the judge of how we feel about ourselves.  You had your insecurities and you needed help overcoming them, just like anyone else.  I have my insecurities too.

Jan. 26, 2014

Before Christmas, I promised you that I would dance for you if you did well on two of your assignments.  I guess… I have to go learn three dances.  I never dance around you because it’s really embarrassing.  I don’t care what other people think but I care what you think.  That’s why.  Please don’t be mad or feel left out.  I’m trying.  I was so worked up because I thought you were actually mad.  It turns out, you were just acting.  Somehow by the end, you ended up saying “I love you” about six times.  When I told you to never change, you asked me a question to answer it.  “Do you think that love is so easily changeable?”

My answer to that question now is definitely a negative one.  Love is much easier to sink deeper into than to get out of.

Jan. 30, 2014

We spent the whole day together.  You know, even after seven hours of looking at nothing but your face, I still don’t get tired of it.  We did all of our favourite things in one day.  I’m glad.  We spent so much time to make an original plan but eventually, we didn’t even follow it.  We just went where we wanted to go and it worked out so well.  Not a single moment was awkward or weird… which is weird…  I felt so comfortable with you today.  I can’t believe we visited two restaurants for lunch.  I guess we both have a love for Korean food, bubble tea and cheesecake.  We walked around outside and even though it was freezing cold, I still felt warm in a way.  I was shivering and couldn’t feel my face but my chest felt not exactly warm; but it wasn’t cold either.  It was a curious sensation.  When we returned to your house, we just played that same horror video game on the couch, with you resting your head on my lap or shoulder and holding my hand the whole time.  Then when I was about to leave, you wrapped your arms around my waist and hugged me tightly for a good five seconds.  You told me “Happy New Year” while slightly swaying me back and forth.

What happened?  You’ve been so affectionate lately.  Your boyfriend messaged you today but you didn’t even reply and if you did, it was a short and careless one.  The face you made when you saw his message didn’t look that happy.  Maybe I’m just being stupid again.  I saw you were wearing the ring today.  I was wearing mine too, like I do every day.  What if you actually like me?  What if you’re only with him because you’re scared that you like me?  But I can’t get my hopes up.  When school starts again, I won’t have a week to cry.  I feel so confused and lost.  At the same time, I’ve never been happier or more afraid.

If you were mine, I’d give you all I possibly could, just as I did back then.  On random days, I’d have you open your locker to find a flower in it.  On New Year’s Eve, I’d stay up to watch fireworks with you and on Christmas, I’d walk through a blizzard to give you a present.  On your birthday, I’d send you on a scavenger hunt around the school for you to find notes with chocolate kisses that lead you outside where I’ll hand you the ultimate gift that I’d have been preparing for months.  On Valentine’s Day, I’d forget about the roses that the school allows us to buy and send.  I’d go out to a florist’s shop and get you something even better.

The things I would have done for you…

They would have had no end at all.  You could’ve asked for my right arm and I’d have delightfully handed it over.

This last year has been especially difficult.  I wish I had been more prepared for it.

Whatever.

I can’t redo it, can I?  I can’t relive it.

I would give anything- anything at all- to obtain a time machine and to go back and live it all over again.

Nice.  I made it within 24 hours of the announcement hahaha.

I hope you're enjoying the story so far :-)

I have no idea when the next update will come since I'm moving into university very soon but I'll definitely try to sew together the rest of the story.  I have it all written out.  I just have to tie it together since it has all these dates floating around.

What do you think about the style of this one?  Kind of like a diary but it's me reflecting back to it from now.

Happy reading! ♥

- UnknownSONE