Namjoon woke up to the loud noises of his fellow band mates scuffling into the room. They must've thought he was still sleeping because they started talking about plans.
"So, what should we do? We have the basic birthday , but nothing cool, chill?" He could hear Yoongi say with his drunk like voice. Jhope, he suspected, started laughing, his laughs muffled, probably so he wouldn't wake up his same age friend. "What's so funny, hyung?" Namjoon couldn't hear who it was, probably one Jimin. There was a short silence before Jungkook yelled loudly, "Strippers?" Namjoon got up from his bed after hearing that and looked at the boys. "I knew he'd wake up if you said strippers." Suga said and Jimin handed Suga 3 dollar bills. Namjoon grabbed a pillow, throwing it at his hyung.
Second later, he was jumped on by the younger ones wishing him happy birthday. 

"Namjoonie! Happy Birthday." They yelled and attacked him by jumping one another on top of each other, creating a BTS sandwich. Once it was over, they put a blindfold over him and guided him to the living room, where a cake and balloons were waiting for him. They had him seated, dimmed the lights, and took off his blindfold. On the cake, were little cake decorations and titles of his songs. There were derpy photos of him and in the middle, a photo of them together on his previous birthday. Namjoon smiled and thanked the members who had goofy smiles on their faces. Jin cut the cake evenly, giving Namjoon the biggest slice with the best decorations. They all sat around and lit the candle. "Happy Birthday to You. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday Namjoonie. Happy Birthday to you!" Namjoon gave a small smile at the members before blowing out the candle. For the rest of the time, they ate cake and whatever else Jin cooked, talking about their favorite memories.

 After that, everyone was tired and planned to take naps. Namjoon waved them off to sleep and heard a knock at the door and opened it. On the ground, were fan gifts, surrounding the doorstep. He spent the next 10 minutes bringing it on in, covering the living room floor in bright colors of gifts and balloons. He started with he big packages, receiving new Converses, new Jordan's, new clothes, snapbacks, and everything he liked. They all fit perfectly and Namjoon made a reminder to thank the fans on the fancafe and twitter. Then were medium sized ones which had more clothes, beanies, lots of chokers, earrings, sunglasses, and cool little books for him to read. The leftover gifts were letters and books from fans. One by one, be sat on the sofa, reading each heartfelt letter. A lot of them thanked him and told him he was amazing. Some told their stories and how him and BTS helped them. A lot had pictures of them and he smiles at realizing all the ARMY were so beautiful and cute. He continues reading more, some were so sad his heart aches and he felt sad for the ARMY who continued to support them even when they had tough times. The stacks of letters and books were decreasing with each hour and soon he reached the last book. "Happy Birthday Namjoon" it read. The book had pictures of ARMY and thank you letters. He again, felt his heart swell happily at all the beautiful ARMY. When it was close to last page, he reached the last fan. 

"Chris-ti-na Ma-nan-sala ," He slowly pronounced. Attached was a picture of her and Namjoon promises to the world, his heart skipped a beat. He read her letter but kept getting distracted by her picture and decided to cover it up so he could focus on what she wrote. Maybe it was because he was a bit biased, but he liked what she wrote the best. He doesn't know how many times he reread it, but soon Jimin was towering over him. 

"Namjoonie, what is that? I've been looking at you stare at that for 2 minutes straight." Namjoon quickly closed the book and shoved it aside lightly.

"It's nothing," he says, his cheeks turning a light shade of pink. Jimin smiles slyly. "Sureeeeee."

Namjoon smacks the younger one, "Who are you calling Namjoonie? I'm older than you." Jimin rolls his eyes and when Namjoon isn't looking, he grabs the book and turns to the page he was reading. Namjoon moves quickly, but ends up ripping the book, and failing, because Jimin still has the page. Jimin tries to read it, but his English isn't bad good and ends up handing it back.

"Why are you looking at this? You like her?" Jimin hands the page back to an angry NamJoon.

"No. You can't like someone you don't know. I just think she's very attractive and interesting." Nam Joon looked at the picture once more before placing it back into the book. "Uh huh…" Jimin watched him slowly before going back to take a nap with Jungkook. 

The members knows there something wrong about Namjoon after the fanmeet accident. He doesn't talk a lot about how the fanmeet was like usual. He just listens to his music, and occasionally adds in a couple opinions, but it's not the same. They reach the hotel room and Nam Joon goes to the bathroom, and doesn't come out. He feels bad about everything. It was his fault, the whole fanmeet was ruined. Mayhe he should leave BTS. The fan told him he wasn't attractive at all and had no talents. Nam Joon is usually strong, but this sort of hurts him. He loves ARMY's so much and it's like having the person you love stab you.

The next fanmeet , a fan tells Namjoon if she could switch his photo card for another member and he leaves for a bit. The other members feel awkward again and so does the whole fanmeet. They try comforting him, but it's been happening to often, and he's bound to break down.

Nam Joon reads the comments on a poll of BTS rankings and comes across comments that hurt his heart. "Nam Joon is ugly" "BTS is much better without him" "He at being a leader" He closes the laptop, but the words are etched into his brain, he can't forget them. He can't write his music, without remembering what they say. 

Namjoon leaves the dorms, leaving his band mates confused and worried. He decides maybe a walk will clear his mind. Anything to distract himself. He likes where there dorm is. There's no fans or people who recongize him. It's his own thinking time. The sky is starting to fall down and the stars are starting to come up. He makes a mental note to take walks more often to release his thoughts.

When he comes back from a walk, it's late and the others are probably asleep. He tries to go to his room silently, but knocks over something. Thank god the members are heavy sleepers. He enters the room and finds books laying on the bed, and attached is a little note. 

"Joon, don't feel bad. Feel better." - Yoongi hyung.

Namjoon recognized these as his birthday gifts he received a couple weeks ago. He went through it again and stopped at the same page again. The same person that caught his attention the first time. He rereads her letter, and for some reason he feels better. He feels okay. How weird to ne uplifted by a stranger. Namjoon curls up on the bed. He's holding her letter and the first time in the past days, he doesn't cry himself to sleep.

Ever since that night, Nam Joon carries the letter with him everywhere. As a sort of happiness reminder. Of course he loves all the letters he gets, but this one makes him feel something. Before stage, he'd read it for confidence. After stage, he'd read it for reassurance. He swears he can memorize each and every word as if it were it's own song. He can recall every word and soon they start to replace the hurtful words that's been etched into his mind.

Jhope sits next to Nam Joon as he finishes reading the letter. "What is that?" You've been reading that for days now." He tries to look over Nam Joon's shoulder, but he hides it. Jimin walks over and smiles. "NamJoonie here likes a fan. I saw him looking at her picture for minutes." Nam Joon slaps Jimin who laughs . "Really? Let me see." Jhope opens his palm and surprisingly, Nam Joon gives it to him. "Trish-uh-teen-uh-ah-uh." Jhope tries to pronounce but fails and Nam Joon laughs. "It's Chris-ti-na, you idiot." "Hey, she's really cute." Jhope stares at the picture a little too long, and Nam Joon takes it back."Find your own."

That night, Nam Joon reads the letter one more time, and smiles before sleeping.

Jimin stares at his box of fan letters, he has his own too. His own favorite letter that makes him feel happy whenever he reads it, his eyes turning into half moons whenever the words replay in his mind. Jungkook comes behind him, resting his chin on Jimin's shoulder. "Jac-ky? Who's that?" Jimin turns around and hides it. "It's nothing, Kookie." Jimin places the letter in his box and put it back in the closet, letting out a deep sigh. Jungkook stares at the box as Jimin closes the door and pouts. "Tell me, hyung." Jimin shakes his head. "Sorry kookie. But I'll tell you other things you'd like to hear," he says as he crawls into bed with the younger one.

"Rap Mon, do you have anyone special? Someone that makes you happy?"

Namjoon stares the floor while being interviewed. Jimin smiles, knowing the answer, Jhope smiles too. The others just try to think of an artist Namjoon likes. The letter in his pocket feels like it's heating up and Nam Joon almost says he does when Jimin speaks up. "I do. I received a very special letter. From a fan. I love all the letters but this one is very nice. I can't remember her name. Tina? Chris? Ahh, I forgot." He sends Rap Mon a sly smile, who glares at him. Jimin is slightly scared for when they get home 

(Sorry, switching to Rap Mon for a bit) 

Rap Mon thinks he's going crazy. You can't like someone you haven't met but he swears it's not a fan to idol crush, it's different. Suga and Jin stare at Rap Mon as he daydreams out the car. "Monnie, you've been acting like this since I gave you those books. Do you want to me something?" Jin and Suga wait and Nam Joon looks at them.

"I think I like someone." Jin laughs. "Who is it? SNSD? Red Velvet? AoA?" Nam Joon lets him name more girl groups before talking. "Actually. It's a fan." Jin stops smiling. "We all like our fans." Yoongi says, leaning back casually on the car seat. Jin nods his head in agreement.

"No. I think I really like, not in a fan to idol way. But in a two people relationship way. And it sounds weird. And that's why I think I want to go to find her." 

"Can you do that? There's probably a hundred, maybe even thousands of people with that name." 

"I don't know. But it never hurts to try right?" 

He didn't mean to find it in a creepy way, but he found Christina's page. Her Instagram. He clicked for the location , which settled on California. Maybe they should do a fanmeet. Or something. He found himself looking through her Instagram and liked this one picture of her smiling. He felt content until he looked at the date. 101 weeks ago. Namjoon jumped off his bed and unliked it immediately. He didn't have to worry much because he was on a fake account but still. He sat back on the bed, an arm covering his face, and laughed.

he just wants to meet her once