「 ☼ teaser 2 //
「 ☼ what you gave me // apply closed.TEASER #2
I can remember nine summers ago like a movie in first person. Every inch of the clubhouse is maped in my mind, but it's not clubhouse, it's a pirate ship, or a castle guarded by a dragon, or a spaceship. The wooded area near my house - I can feel the dandelion chain on my head and I can see the way the sun looked through thetrees. I can hear the fireworks, and feel the blanket around my shouders, and the cool grass of the hill under my fingers.
Mostly, though, I remember how happy I was. There's not a word for it - "euphoric" comes close but I know that's not right, not exactly. And "nostalgic" only really applies in retrospect, right? How I felt then - that specific happiness - that feeling...it almost feels like I had a set amount of it, and then I wasted it. I wasted a lot of my happiness when I was seven and now it's jus trickling off. Maybe by the time I'm fifty, all of it will be gone. (It can't be already all gone, can it? Sixteen is a really young age to have no happiness in.)
I don't even get mad when I get hit anymore.I'm used to it - they're not strong enough to break my bones, clearly, or they would've already, and I'm fine. It's just a routine, something that happens like English quizzes or math tests. It's like it's scheduled, for them. Wake up, go smoke, skip school, go in latte, beat up Shin Haewon. But it doesn't make me sad or angry or anything. My dad is right, though - I know I deserve it. I know I deserve it and I know I can't change and maybe that makes it worse.
I miss being happy. When'd I start being so sad? I can't pinpoint a date but it must've happened at some point, right? When was it? Note: find out when you stopped being happy. I don't know when it was, but I want to go back there. I want to go back there and I want to tell myself to be happy.I want to be happy.
But it's not that easy.
It's never, ever, ever that easy.
The fireworks will be loud, but for now, the rest of the world is silent. Haewon sits down on the hill with a towel, and as he does every year, and wraps the blanket around his shoulders; it's a summer night, but somehow, he's managed to still be cold.
Haewon always tries to get to the hill before the fireworks start - he has since he was twelve, and his parents stopped going with him. (This year they have excuses, at least - his father's in Seoul to talk about the construction of a new building, or maybe he's just drinking with the rich people who paid for it, and his mother's been taking more and more bakery shifts lately.) It's not like there's a rush to get up on the hill, or anything - it's fairly hidden away, and there are better places to watch the fireworks.
But this hill - this hill is Haewon's second-favorite place in the world. Just sitting down on it - just closing his eyes in the silence - is like pressing play on a remote, and all his memories play back, like a movie in first person.
When he's five, he goes with his parents, and stays close to them; the fireworks are magic, flowers bursting and disappearing in the night sky - he jumps in surprise with every bang, but he doesn't keep his eyes off of the sky, for fear of missing something. Even when the show is over, and his parents drag him home, he still stares up at the sky from the window in his bedroom, half-convinced that the flowers will come back into the sky while he's supposed to be asleep. (He ends up falling asleep with his head against the window, and he has a horrible neck-ache, too.)
When he's seven, his memory is vivid; the fireworks aren't any brighter or louder than they are any other year, but everything else sure is. Everyone's laughter is so loud and so happy - the sparklers light up the world more than the stars do, even though they don't last as long - he rolls down the hill wrapped in his blanket like a kimbap roll, as a dare, and ends up hurting his elbow a little, but he's too happy to even say anything. Before the night is over - before he goes back home - his parents gather everyone up, and they take a photo. (Haewon still has it, somewhere, buried in his bookshelf between The Magician's Nephew and A Song of Ice and Fire - he hasn't looked at it in ages, but he remembers his cheeks hurting from smiling so much, because he was so happy then.)
When he's eight, it's just him and his parents - his parents are there, but he's never felt so alone in his life. He cries when the fireworks burst out, because it's so quiet in Gwacheon without everyone there with him; his parents walk him home halfway through the show, and he goes to bed early that night.
(Of course, he's gone every year since. The show has never had the same magic that it did back then, but sitting there with his memories, he comes close. And if coming close is the closest he gets...)
The fireworks start with a bang - Haewon snaps out of his reverie and opens his eyes, staring up at the bright red firework in the sky, signaling the show's start. He shivers, and wraps the blanket around his shoulders just a little bit tighter, though he quickly realizes that he might not have shivered because of the cold.
Mostly, though, I remember how happy I was. There's not a word for it - "euphoric" comes close but I know that's not right, not exactly. And "nostalgic" only really applies in retrospect, right? How I felt then - that specific happiness - that feeling...it almost feels like I had a set amount of it, and then I wasted it. I wasted a lot of my happiness when I was seven and now it's jus trickling off. Maybe by the time I'm fifty, all of it will be gone. (It can't be already all gone, can it? Sixteen is a really young age to have no happiness in.)
I don't even get mad when I get hit anymore.I'm used to it - they're not strong enough to break my bones, clearly, or they would've already, and I'm fine. It's just a routine, something that happens like English quizzes or math tests. It's like it's scheduled, for them. Wake up, go smoke, skip school, go in latte, beat up Shin Haewon. But it doesn't make me sad or angry or anything. My dad is right, though - I know I deserve it. I know I deserve it and I know I can't change and maybe that makes it worse.
I miss being happy. When'd I start being so sad? I can't pinpoint a date but it must've happened at some point, right? When was it? Note: find out when you stopped being happy. I don't know when it was, but I want to go back there. I want to go back there and I want to tell myself to be happy.I want to be happy.
But it's not that easy.
It's never, ever, ever that easy.
The fireworks will be loud, but for now, the rest of the world is silent. Haewon sits down on the hill with a towel, and as he does every year, and wraps the blanket around his shoulders; it's a summer night, but somehow, he's managed to still be cold.
Haewon always tries to get to the hill before the fireworks start - he has since he was twelve, and his parents stopped going with him. (This year they have excuses, at least - his father's in Seoul to talk about the construction of a new building, or maybe he's just drinking with the rich people who paid for it, and his mother's been taking more and more bakery shifts lately.) It's not like there's a rush to get up on the hill, or anything - it's fairly hidden away, and there are better places to watch the fireworks.
But this hill - this hill is Haewon's second-favorite place in the world. Just sitting down on it - just closing his eyes in the silence - is like pressing play on a remote, and all his memories play back, like a movie in first person.
When he's five, he goes with his parents, and stays close to them; the fireworks are magic, flowers bursting and disappearing in the night sky - he jumps in surprise with every bang, but he doesn't keep his eyes off of the sky, for fear of missing something. Even when the show is over, and his parents drag him home, he still stares up at the sky from the window in his bedroom, half-convinced that the flowers will come back into the sky while he's supposed to be asleep. (He ends up falling asleep with his head against the window, and he has a horrible neck-ache, too.)
When he's seven, his memory is vivid; the fireworks aren't any brighter or louder than they are any other year, but everything else sure is. Everyone's laughter is so loud and so happy - the sparklers light up the world more than the stars do, even though they don't last as long - he rolls down the hill wrapped in his blanket like a kimbap roll, as a dare, and ends up hurting his elbow a little, but he's too happy to even say anything. Before the night is over - before he goes back home - his parents gather everyone up, and they take a photo. (Haewon still has it, somewhere, buried in his bookshelf between The Magician's Nephew and A Song of Ice and Fire - he hasn't looked at it in ages, but he remembers his cheeks hurting from smiling so much, because he was so happy then.)
When he's eight, it's just him and his parents - his parents are there, but he's never felt so alone in his life. He cries when the fireworks burst out, because it's so quiet in Gwacheon without everyone there with him; his parents walk him home halfway through the show, and he goes to bed early that night.
(Of course, he's gone every year since. The show has never had the same magic that it did back then, but sitting there with his memories, he comes close. And if coming close is the closest he gets...)
The fireworks start with a bang - Haewon snaps out of his reverie and opens his eyes, staring up at the bright red firework in the sky, signaling the show's start. He shivers, and wraps the blanket around his shoulders just a little bit tighter, though he quickly realizes that he might not have shivered because of the cold.
author's note
( laura ) : hi!!! so yeah this was supposed to be up yesterday but i was out of town - my friend's band was playing a show in another city and i had to bus over to support him. it took a long time and was tiring and i had school today so it ended up being posted late but HERE YA go now.
this teaser was mostly written on friday in my earthspace & l.a. classes with the song "feels like summer" in mind; please go listen to it and please go see shaun the sheep, it's one of the best movies out right now tbh.
but uh yeah yep! here's some of haewon's writing. i tried to make his style different than mine idk. did it work. also it ended up like 800 words shorter and i wanted it to be happy (or at least happier) but that didn't happen lol. and also idk i'm going to finagle a timeline once the story starts but haewon is 16 here. haewon is 16 and he's sad.
anyways? this might be the last teaser? because idk what to write of just Haewon after this. you've seen him sad, you've seen him (comparatively) happy, you've seen him...being sad and comparatively happy, i guess. but idk i just. don't know how much more of him i can write. i might share a link to my inspiration/writing playlist but other than that idk.
so like yeah yep! i'm gonna go listen to music and wait for colbert to be on. seeya on the flip side, y'all c:
this teaser was mostly written on friday in my earthspace & l.a. classes with the song "feels like summer" in mind; please go listen to it and please go see shaun the sheep, it's one of the best movies out right now tbh.
but uh yeah yep! here's some of haewon's writing. i tried to make his style different than mine idk. did it work. also it ended up like 800 words shorter and i wanted it to be happy (or at least happier) but that didn't happen lol. and also idk i'm going to finagle a timeline once the story starts but haewon is 16 here. haewon is 16 and he's sad.
anyways? this might be the last teaser? because idk what to write of just Haewon after this. you've seen him sad, you've seen him (comparatively) happy, you've seen him...being sad and comparatively happy, i guess. but idk i just. don't know how much more of him i can write. i might share a link to my inspiration/writing playlist but other than that idk.
so like yeah yep! i'm gonna go listen to music and wait for colbert to be on. seeya on the flip side, y'all c:
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「 ☼ i'm REALLY SORRY i couldn't get ch. 1 out over thanksgiving and finals are like happening and i am made of stress but i s2g it's gonna be out before 2016!!
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