「 ☼ teaser 1 //
「 ☼ what you gave me // apply closed.TEASER #1
Haewon is home before his father is - thank god - and checks his home phone as soon as his mother is out of the kitchen. There's no missed call from a teacher yet (or - worse - somebody in the administration, which only ever happened once and was technically just a secretary, but was still the time his father was the angriest), but he knows it's just a matter of time before one of them calls to explain that Haewon had a bad day today, and maybe you can talk to him about a transfer, or getting him to talk in school?
It wasn't even that bad of a beating, honestly - no blood was drawn. There's a nasty bruise developing on his forearm from where he was kicked by the biggest one of them - it's purple and that terrible greenish yellow and Haewon cringes when he touches it and when he notices that sick, disgusting color - but nothing feels broken. He's read about shock and he's not going into it so that - that's good, at least. And the usual gang was even discreet about it - if the student council secretary hadn't shown up nothing would've even gone wrong. It would've been any other day. It would've been fine.
So Haewon does his homework up in his room, changing out of his uniform and into a sweater with sleeves long enough to cover his bruise and then some, as he listens for the front door's click and his father announcing his arrival. His mother doesn't mind - she's used to this, she understands better, she knows Haewon would talk if he could. She gets that he's the way he is - nobody else in the whole world really does. There are nice people at school, sure, but nice doesn't mean I'll sit with you at lunch so you're not lonely, it means I won't make fun of you, but I won't talk to you either, so you'll be lonely either way. His homework isn't too hard, but his mind is elsewhere - he doesn't want to talk to his father but he knows it's coming. Haewon squeezes his fists as tight as he can but that's not enough - he closes his eyes but he can see his father being disappointed - he tries his best to breathe and even that's hard.
So he heads to the backyard, like he always does - he looks down at his feet when he walks down the stairs so he doesn't see the worry overcoming his mother's face, because even though nobody's called yet, Haewon only goes back to the clubhouse on bad days.
It's a small clubhouse - back then it was huge, and now all the furniture is so small, it feels like a castle for gnomes - there's an old, teeny tiny leather couch that used to be able to fit all six of them with room, but now, Haewon takes up five eighths of it and his limbs stretch over it if he lies down. There are a few lawn chairs that aren't as comfy as they used to be either, and a map on the wall with an X marking the spot where treasure was buried. The keep out sign vanished between the seasons, and the white paint with the red roof - almost all of it is gone. Of course, it's Haewon's favorite place, regardless. His father built it when Haewon was four, and has said things about expanding it, but they're empty promises - "I'll make this bigger for you if you talk in school more." He says it like it's the world's easiest thing to do - like it's buttering toast or looking in the mirror or using a stapler - but if it was that easy, he wouldn't even need the clubhouse anymore.
It's a small clubhouse - back then it was huge, and now all the furniture is so small, it feels like a castle for gnomes - there's an old, teeny tiny leather couch that used to be able to fit all six of them with room, but now, Haewon takes up five eighths of it and his limbs stretch over it if he lies down. There are a few lawn chairs that aren't as comfy as they used to be either, and a map on the wall with an X marking the spot where treasure was buried. The keep out sign vanished between the seasons, and the white paint with the red roof - almost all of it is gone. Of course, it's Haewon's favorite place, regardless. His father built it when Haewon was four, and has said things about expanding it, but they're empty promises - "I'll make this bigger for you if you talk in school more." He says it like it's the world's easiest thing to do - like it's buttering toast or looking in the mirror or using a stapler - but if it was that easy, he wouldn't even need the clubhouse anymore.
His mother comes in, after a while - Haewon doesn't even know how much time has passed, though he can faintly hear the sound of his father watching the news if he listens hard enough. She can't join Haewon on the couch so she sits across from him in one of the lawn chairs. "Your - your school called, dear," she begins. Haewon looks down at the ground. "You - did they...the other boys hit you today, didn't they?"
Haewon nods, almost too slightly to see.
"Oh, honey," his mother sighs, voice overcome with concern. "Are you alright? Is anything broken? Did they draw blood again?"
"I'm fine," Haewon says. An ant is scurrying across the floor; its comrades follow shortly, one after the other. It's a distraction. "Nothing is broken. There wasn't any...any blood."
"I convinced the lady on the phone that you don't need a transfer, but things might be different next time. Your father and I have been looking at some other schools, dear, and there might be a better fit for you somewhere else."
"I want to st-stay in Gwacheon," Haewon replies, as firmly as he can.
"I know." His mother sighs. "It's not something your father or I did, is it? Did we - did we mess up?"
"Mama, it's not your f-fault," Haewon assures her, even looking into her face to say so. Her eyes are welling up and he ducks his head as soon as he sees. It's mine, completely, he thinks. I'm messed up and it's not you or dad's fault.
"I know, but -" She stops. "I know, but it's hard. For us, too - I can't imagine what it's like for you, honey, but it's hard on us too."
She's running out of things to say - this is always how their talks end, before his father comes. "I-I'm sorry for worrying you, mom."
"I know, but -" She stops. "I know, but it's hard. For us, too - I can't imagine what it's like for you, honey, but it's hard on us too."
She's running out of things to say - this is always how their talks end, before his father comes. "I-I'm sorry for worrying you, mom."
She pauses. "Your father...isn't going to be this nice, you know."
Haewon nods. "I know."
She stands up and ruffles his hair. "Alright. I love you, Haewonnie," she says - she means it.
"I love you too," Haewon says, and he smiles (even though he knows his smile looks like all his other faces since it's so stiff) up at his mother. She shuts the door with a creak behind her. Haewon buries his face in his hands and exhales sharply, trying to calm his nerves - the only thing he can do now is wait.
His mother is right - she always is. Haewon's father is not as nice.
Haewon's father doesn't sit down in any of the lawn chairs at first - he looks like he'd crush it if he did. He's an architect, and he lifts such heavy things - his muscles are like planets. Haewon isn't like his father. Haewon is the kind of person his father would've beat up, too, if they went to school together - he has the same look in his eyes when he talks to Haewon that the gang at school does when they're hitting him.
"You got beat up today." It's not a question. "Where'd they get you the worst? Show me."
Haewon rolls up his sleeve - the air is cold, how long has he been out? It must be night already - and pointedly looks away from the bruise and his father's face when he reveals it. "Damn," his father says, leaning in closer to look - "They really got you bad, didn't they?"
Haewon nods.
Haewon's father doesn't sit down in any of the lawn chairs at first - he looks like he'd crush it if he did. He's an architect, and he lifts such heavy things - his muscles are like planets. Haewon isn't like his father. Haewon is the kind of person his father would've beat up, too, if they went to school together - he has the same look in his eyes when he talks to Haewon that the gang at school does when they're hitting him.
"You got beat up today." It's not a question. "Where'd they get you the worst? Show me."
Haewon rolls up his sleeve - the air is cold, how long has he been out? It must be night already - and pointedly looks away from the bruise and his father's face when he reveals it. "Damn," his father says, leaning in closer to look - "They really got you bad, didn't they?"
Haewon nods.
His father sighs. "You're my son, Haewon - I don't like seeing you like this. I don't like seeing you like this at all."
"I know," Haewon says.
"And it really worries your mother, too, you know?" his father as. He plays the "concerned" role well - like an actor doing the same role in the fourteenth movie in a franchise.
"And it really worries your mother, too, you know?" his father as. He plays the "concerned" role well - like an actor doing the same role in the fourteenth movie in a franchise.
"I-I know, dad. I-I'm sorry."
"No you're not." His father sits down in one of the chairs carefully. "If you were sorry - if you were ever sorry - this would never have happened. Your classmates wouldn't make fun of you if you actually spoke, you know that?"
"I-I know." Of course Haewon knows - he's not an idiot, despite what some of his classmates believe. He's not an idiot because he knows - he knows how dumb he looks when the teacher calls on him and he can't say anything, he knows he looks dumb, he knows and he can hear them laughing - he's not deaf. But it's his father, so Haewon keeps quiet, eyes glued to the ground.
"I just don't understand." Haewon's father crosses his arms. "Are you trying to prove something?"
"N-no."
"Then why won't you talk? You're doing it fine now. What the is wrong with you, son?"
Haewon swallows. "I - I - I'm not - I don't...dad, it's not on purpose. I just can't." His voice cracks. "I'm sorry, dad."
"No you're not," his father repeats. "What do you mean, you just can't? That's not an excuse."
"I - dad," Haewon says - he tries to steady his breathing and squeezes his eyes shut. "Dad, I'm sorry. I just can't. I-if I could explain it better to you -"
"There is nothing to explain," his father says, cutting him off. He's not yelling, and he doesn't hit Haewon either, which is even scarier - his voice is so calm and controlled. His voice is like a tornado, shaking up all the things inside Haewon while leaving the packaging undamaged. "Come back inside and go to your room. Clearly I'm not getting anything out of you now, so I'm not going to waste my breath. But I expect you to change, Haewon."
It's not that easy, Haewon thinks. But he nods, and he apologizes and bows to his dad before he runs out of the clubhouse and into his room.
He doesn't start writing right away. He lets the tears come, first - he doesn't sob or cry out because he doesn't want his father to hear. Haewon takes his pen and grips it until his knuckles turn white in an attempt to calm himself down, and when he's stopped crying, he opens his journal, even though his hands are shaking so hard that he can't steadily hold the pen.
"No you're not." His father sits down in one of the chairs carefully. "If you were sorry - if you were ever sorry - this would never have happened. Your classmates wouldn't make fun of you if you actually spoke, you know that?"
"I-I know." Of course Haewon knows - he's not an idiot, despite what some of his classmates believe. He's not an idiot because he knows - he knows how dumb he looks when the teacher calls on him and he can't say anything, he knows he looks dumb, he knows and he can hear them laughing - he's not deaf. But it's his father, so Haewon keeps quiet, eyes glued to the ground.
"I just don't understand." Haewon's father crosses his arms. "Are you trying to prove something?"
"N-no."
"Then why won't you talk? You're doing it fine now. What the is wrong with you, son?"
Haewon swallows. "I - I - I'm not - I don't...dad, it's not on purpose. I just can't." His voice cracks. "I'm sorry, dad."
"No you're not," his father repeats. "What do you mean, you just can't? That's not an excuse."
"I - dad," Haewon says - he tries to steady his breathing and squeezes his eyes shut. "Dad, I'm sorry. I just can't. I-if I could explain it better to you -"
"There is nothing to explain," his father says, cutting him off. He's not yelling, and he doesn't hit Haewon either, which is even scarier - his voice is so calm and controlled. His voice is like a tornado, shaking up all the things inside Haewon while leaving the packaging undamaged. "Come back inside and go to your room. Clearly I'm not getting anything out of you now, so I'm not going to waste my breath. But I expect you to change, Haewon."
It's not that easy, Haewon thinks. But he nods, and he apologizes and bows to his dad before he runs out of the clubhouse and into his room.
He doesn't start writing right away. He lets the tears come, first - he doesn't sob or cry out because he doesn't want his father to hear. Haewon takes his pen and grips it until his knuckles turn white in an attempt to calm himself down, and when he's stopped crying, he opens his journal, even though his hands are shaking so hard that he can't steadily hold the pen.
author's note
( laura ) : yo, happy wednesday! i have first period off so i figured i'd publish this before i had to go into school today. anyway, so do y'all listen to flight of the conchords? bc while this was written while a sad song was playing it was proofed to "the most beautiful girl in the room". so that's my creative process in a nutshell.
anyways, here's haewon. he's haewon and he doesn't really have the best home life...or school life, frankly. his dad is kind of a and they're not close to each other but he likes his mom. also he likes sweaters.
also this font? is so small. this font is so small and my vision is terrible so like my face is like either this close to my laptop or zoomed in to like 150%. but i digress. anyways here's my writing and i'm sorry this is so long? but idk i just. here's haewon. he's haewon. i'm so sorry reviews aren't all updated but i've been having layout problems so hopefully they'll be out sometime after school today???? send me good vibes!
anyways, here's haewon. he's haewon and he doesn't really have the best home life...or school life, frankly. his dad is kind of a and they're not close to each other but he likes his mom. also he likes sweaters.
also this font? is so small. this font is so small and my vision is terrible so like my face is like either this close to my laptop or zoomed in to like 150%. but i digress. anyways here's my writing and i'm sorry this is so long? but idk i just. here's haewon. he's haewon. i'm so sorry reviews aren't all updated but i've been having layout problems so hopefully they'll be out sometime after school today???? send me good vibes!
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「 ☼ i'm REALLY SORRY i couldn't get ch. 1 out over thanksgiving and finals are like happening and i am made of stress but i s2g it's gonna be out before 2016!!
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