it's back

Because she’s been my light.

Time passes and I can tell everything is good. And my story stops there.

No, it’s not like that. Time passes, true. We’re back to campus, my life starts, and so does our story. It’s not easy for me to meet Eunji, again. My first day on campus, I was told that she’s a star in this university. I remember she said she’s majoring in musical yet I didn’t expect she would be on that level. People said she’s the busiest in her program, doing a certain show, writing scripts, training new artists. And I can only mum.

My friend—yes, I befriend people too, like a normal human—said she ruled the student council, before her other activities stop her. Then she’s replaced by that certain giant, true, that Park Chanyeol. And it explained why she was so angry at him that night. Chanyeol couldn’t say a word when she told her what had happened to me. I was embarrassed actually, but the way she’s mad somehow warmed my heart.

I’m not trying to say that she has feeling for me. That’s truly silly. Yes, I might have something for her, but that’s me. Because, yes, she helped me. She listened to me. And took care of me. I admit that I don’t usually trust new people, however she’s different. She showed me her sincerity and I cannot just shrug it off.

Since that night, I’ve been taking medication. I want to overcome it. I want, if we meet again, I want to show her that I’ve changed even though it’s not easy at all.

I have said that meeting her is not easy, right? I get a glare the moment I started looking for her.

“What you’re doing here?”

A guy, shorter than me said. He’s Baekhyun, one of Park Chanyeol’s staf.

“Excuse me Sunbae, can I know how to get contact with Eunji Sunbae?”

“Why?” a cold voice comes from behind. I turn around and meet a girl in blond hair. It’s Yoon Bomi, I’ve met her before and Eunji said she’s her roommate.

Giving her a space to walk in, I say, “I have things.”

“You don’t change at all, mama boy. Still rude like the last time,” I know that voice. That giant comes out from another room next to where Baekhyun sits. Leaning his back on the side of the door, he smirks smugly at me.

“He’s brave though, for coming here,” Baekhyun adds, he has that pitying smirk on his face, and I wish I can punch it.

“Well, I agree. But Baek, isn’t it because the light still on?” Chanyeol says before with a glance I can see his hand reaching the …. On the wall and the room suddenly turns off.

I close my eyes right away, clenching my fist.

You’re good. You’re fine. You’ve been in this situation before, Jongin-ah!

But still, I cannot feel my legs, it’s numbed.

I try to imagine light, like a clear sky, but it’s not easy as my head keeps showing me nothing but darkness. In a mere second I can feel my palm sweats. And my breath, I can’t…

“Look at him,” I can hear a mocking chuckle.

I can sense the light is on again, but my eyes are too heavy. And I need to overcome my breath.

“I don’t know you were like this before, ah, I shouldn’t have missed it,” Chanyeol says in a faked disappointment, “so, selling your weakness like this, you got to hug Eunji?”

“You should know that’s low, boy,” Baekhyun follows, and it’s when I finally can open my eyes.

Sweat falls on both side of my temple, my gaze is blurred, yet slowly I can see that same smirk, that mocking smirk on Chanyeol’s face.

It’s not that I’m embarrassed by it. No, I don’t care with anything he does to me. He knows nothing about what I had experienced and being down because of his words is not worth at all. I just need to meet Eunji, and I don’t mind facing him if he will tell me how to see her again.

I know, I have other options. I admit that I shouldn’t have started it here. Maybe asking random student will be much easier than this. What can I say though? It has happened and I cannot step back.

“Yeol,” I hear Bomi’s voice, it doesn’t sound as cold as before, yet I bet she won’t be much different than her friends, “stop playing around.” She says, pitying me. Great.

I look at Chanyeol with determined mind. “So, can you tell me how to get contact with her, Sunbaenim?”

And I see he’s startled. Maybe not expecting the persistent me. I am not, actually. But since he has messed with me, I shouldn’t just run and forget things, right?

“Eunji doesn’t like a weak guy,” he says, his gaze getting stern. “Baek, a coward like him doesn’t suit uri Eunji, right?”

“Well, isn’t that obvious?”

“Guys…”

I think I know where this goes.

“Eunji is a strong girl, independent, and too kind. If you look for a shield, you should try looking for someone else, she’s too good for a kid like you.”

“What is your point, actually?” again, I see he’s taken aback, “are you trying to tell me that you’re her boyfriend, so I don’t have chance or something like that?”

“What?!”

“Look, I know where I should stand, if you’re really her boyfriend, I will stop. But if you’re not, don’t act like a loser, Sunbae. You just said I’m a coward, but didn’t you just show me what a coward look like?”

They definitely don’t expect this coming. Chanyeol doesn’t react. No one speaks. And the room getting colder and quieter. I don’t mind if what I just did will only harm me. I just cannot stand this bastard. He wants a fight, I shouldn’t remain quiet then.

“You won’t tell me anything, do you?” I break the silence, I can see he’s getting mad. “If you said it earlier, I would have tried something else. Why making thing so complicated?”

I send him one last stern look before bowing shortly, “anyway, thank you, Sunbaenim.”

Turning around I can see Bomi looks at me with a look I cannot figure out. But I don’t care. I just keep walking, and when I almost reach the door Chanyeol speaks, “every Friday evening—” I turn my gaze to him, and he still has that cold glare, “—she teaches freshmen at the West Theater.”

I don’t understand his sudden change, but I guess I don’t take it too much. I just nod before saying short thanks. And leave.

I can conclude today that I’m both stupid and miserable.

Friday evening, at the West Theater, I heave deep when I find nothing, not even a single person. Standing on the stairs in the middle of the seat rows, I should have realized this earlier. People like Chanyeol shouldn’t have been trusted easily. Yes, it’s my mistake, for taking his words without careful thought.

Another sigh. I believe I look desperate now. But what can I d